Inflame

Chapter 28

Kale

AFTER WHAT felt like the longest night in the hospital, Xavier finally kicked us out, telling me to let Lucy get some rest. Now that I’m in bed with my arms wrapped around her, I know he was right. I’ve pulled her in tight, wanting—needing—her closeness. In fact, I haven’t let her out of my arms since we left the hospital. Something about the feel of her skin on mine is soothing, and it lets me know that she’s here, really here.

I can’t stop replaying the scene of Lily being thrown in the air, and the sound of her skull cracking against the pavement is like a vinyl record that’s come off track and keeps playing that one bit over and over again. No matter how hard I try to shake it, I can’t get it out of my mind. Lying here with Lucy, her back to my chest and my hands taking their usual spot on her ever-growing belly, is the only thing that’s keeping me calm right now.

“Kale?” she whispers in the dark. “You awake?”

“Yeah, baby, I’m still awake. But you should be sleeping. It’s been a long day, and you need to rest.”

Sighing, she snuggles back into me. “I’m not tired.” Her small hand moves up to cover one of mine, and she toys with my fingers. “Wanna talk about it?”

Her voice is small, but strong, and I can hear the longing in her voice. Ever since we left the hospital, she’s been trying to get me to talk, but I just can’t formulate the words right now. I have no idea how in the hell Xavier was able to keep calm, but I decide it’s just because he hadn’t been there to actually witness the event. By the time he saw Lily, she was patched up, talking, and smiling. But me? Even when I saw that she was okay, I couldn’t focus on anything except for the bandages. And now that I’m home, the only image I can muster is the one of her lying on the cold, hard ground with blood running out of her nose.

“Not tonight, baby,” I tell her honestly, and I feel her let out a deep breath.

“How about if I talk? Is that okay?” she asks, and I wonder what she wants to talk about.

“Sure, if you’re not tired. Go ahead.”

She interlocks our fingers and holds my hand tight as she begins talking. “You asked me about my last name at Thanksgiving, and while I avoided the question at the time, I’m ready to talk about it. If we’re going to be starting a family, I want to know everything about you, and it’s only fair if you know everything about me, too. And I know you’re not ready, so tonight will be my night. I’ll do the talking.”

Swallowing hard, I remember how she distracted me from my questions. As much as I want to learn everything there is to know about her, I’m terrified of having to do the same once she’s done. I don’t think I could handle that conversation tonight, not after what happened to Lily, and I’m thankful she’s being strong enough for both of us to be the one to put herself out there.

“You don’t have to, Lucy. The past is just that—the past. If you’d rather keep it all in, I’m okay with that.” I know I sound like a coward, and I’m not surprised when she shakes her head.

“It might be the past, and while it might not quite define us, it helped shape who we became today. And that’s not something I want to keep from you anymore. I trust you, and I had my own reasons for wanting to keep it all bottled in before, but I know they were just silly fears that don’t matter now that I’m with you.”

“You don’t have anything to be scared of when you’re with me, Lucy. And you know by now that you can tell me anything—and I’ll always be here to listen.”

I feel her chest rise and fall, silence filling the room until she finally starts to speak again. “I know. And it’s one of the many, many reasons I love you.” She pauses, and I place a kiss on the back of her neck, causing her to shiver under my touch. “Okay, I guess I’ll just start at the beginning. My mom was twenty-one when she got pregnant with me, which really doesn’t seem all that bad. She’d been dating my biological father for about six months, and his family, along with Mom’s, urged them to get married. He didn’t want to, and Mom was okay with that, but in the end, all the pressure from both sides of the family wore them down and a shotgun wedding took place. Mom’s always been honest with me about what happened, and she told me that in the beginning, while she was still pregnant, things were good. He—I’ll call him by his name Tim, for the rest of the story—was a couple of years older than her and already working at his father’s bank. So like I said, in the beginning, things were good. It wasn’t until I came along that things started to sour.”

She pauses, and I wonder why in the hell her mom would tell her that. It almost seems like she was blaming her for things going wrong, and that’s just not right. As if she can read my thoughts, she addresses that very thing.

“Don’t get me wrong. I don’t think she was trying to blame me or anything. It’s just that she was always honest with me about everything, including him. Anyways, after I was born, he started working late, coming home drunk, the whole cliché nine yards. As I got older, it continued the same way. He made it clear he didn’t want me, he didn’t want Mom, and he was pretty much just there out of obligation. Sure, at church on Sunday, he was the picture-perfect husband and father, but the other six days of the week? He was hell on Earth. He wasn’t abusive—not physically, at least—but by the time Mom got up the courage to leave him, thanks to Steve, I was an emotional wreck.”

The idea that Lucy had anything less than a stellar dad is a disheartening one, and I wonder just how much damage her old man did before she finally got away from him. Running my fingers over her belly, I hold her closer.

“I’m sorry, baby. No little girl should be treated as if she’s not wanted. I can’t imagine having looked at Lily as anything less than a blessing, and she wasn’t even mine.”

“That’s what makes your bond with her so special, Kale, and I admire it. It also lets me know you’re going to be an amazing father. You love her unconditionally and she’s technically not even yours. Xavier told me how long you’ve been a part of their family. They’re lucky to have you.”

I inhale sharply then try to mask it with a cough. What the hell did he exactly say to her? He wouldn’t have told her the story, I know that, but even if he alluded to it, I don’t know what I’ll do.

“Trust me, Lucy. I was the lucky one in that situation.”

“So I hear.”

I cough again.

“Don’t worry, Kale. He didn’t give me any details. If you have things to share, I’ll respect your decision to wait until you’re ready. Just know that whenever you do decide you’re ready, I’ll be here to listen.”

Even though she may not know every single detail of my life, Lucy can read me like a book and she’s giving me an out. I’m going to take it, like a fucking coward, and pray that I’ll be able to open up to her sooner rather than later.

“Thanks, baby,” I tell her in a hoarse voice.

“So where was I? Right. Like I said, he wasn’t physically abusive, at least not with me. And the first time he hit Mom, he made the mistake of doing it in front of her boss.”

“Steve?” I ask, hoping that’s where the silver lining in this story is.

“Yep. It was something stupid, like she forgot to pay a bill or something. He showed up at the restaurant where she was working—the same one Steve and Mom now own—and tried smacking her around in the parking lot. Steve intervened. Tim freaked out and accused them of having an affair and then went so far as to ask if I was even his.”

“Damn,” I whisper, and she echoes my sentiments.

“Yeah, damn. I don’t know why it took Mom ten years to leave him, but whatever Steve said to her that day helped. When she picked me up from school, she was in his truck and it was loaded with our things. He drove us to my grandma’s house and spent the next six months taking Mom to and from work while Grandma made sure I got to school.”

“I wish it hadn’t taken ten years, but I’m glad Steve was there that day,” I tell her.

“You have no idea. I was an impressionable ten-year-old, and while I was skeptical of him at first, I was also in awe. He was like a superhero to me. Once the divorce was final, Tim washed his hands of me, saying I was Steve’s problem now. The thing, though, is that Mom and Steve weren’t even dating. As much as he wanted her, she kept saying she needed time. Eventually, he wore her down, and the day they told me they were getting married was one of the happiest days of my life.”

“How old were you then?” I ask, wanting to know every single detail.

“I was twelve by the time they got married. I haven’t seen Tim since that last day in court, but Steve made up for it tenfold. I remember the day of the wedding telling my new stepbrother, Jared, how lucky he was and I wished Steve was my real father. Later on that night, when Steve asked me to dance, he told me that he loved me like his own, and if I wanted, he’d be more than thrilled to have me take the Dawson name. After bursting into tears and asking him about ten times if he really meant it, I said yes. That was the second happiest day of my life. Tim didn’t fight it for a second, and within six months, I was Lucy Dawson, with a new father, brother, and a baby sister on the way. It was the first time in my life that I really felt like I was part of a family.”

She turns in my arms as she wraps one of hers around my back. “Here’s the thing though. I’d spent ten years hearing how I wasn’t wanted, wasn’t needed, and I felt like I was worthless when it came to love. No matter how much Mom and Steve showed me affection, one man’s emotional torment was too strong to break hold. My sophomore year of high school, I was at a party after a football game. I’d been drinking a little, and a guy I was seeing at the time pulled me into an empty bedroom. Long story short, one thing led to another, and I ended up losing my virginity on the floor of a dirty bedroom. The worst part was the whole school knew about it by Monday morning and my brand-new nickname was plastered on my locker.”

I look down into her eyes, unable to read her expression. She’s speaking as if it’s just another ordinary thing when all I want to do is find that asshole and beat the shit out of him for not only ruining her first time, but for being a prick and spreading the news.

“Nickname? Do I even want to know?”

She lets out a small laugh. “It’s not that bad. There I was, sixteen and I’d had sex once in my life. Before that, I’d only ever messed around with one other person, but for the kids of Gulf Breeze High, that’s all it took. Their less-than-original Loosie Lou was all over my locker for the whole school to see.”

“Kids are fucking brutal. Baby, that was fucked up. You know that, right?” She places a finger on my lips then points to her belly. I give her a sheepish look, having forgotten myself for the moment. “Maybe for talks like these, we should put headphones on your belly so he can drown out the sound of his parents’ conversations.”

“I’ll remember that next time, Kale. But as for the nickname, it wasn’t all that bad. In some weird, twisted way, I liked the reputation. As guys started saying they’d hooked up with me, too, I took it as a sign that I was wanted. Messed up, right? For someone who spent her first decade being reminded that she wasn’t wanted, it made me feel good inside to know that so many guys thought I was special enough that they just had to claim that they’d had me, too.” She shakes her head and lets out a small laugh. “I know that sounds so stupid now, but at the time, the logic made sense to me. Looking back on it, I know it wasn’t that they wanted me. They just wanted to say that they’d also had a chance to bag the school whore, when in reality, I didn’t have sex again until I was in college.”

I honestly have no idea how to respond, and she gives me a reprieve by continuing. “You know about Noah,” she says, and I remember the conversation we had about her college boyfriend. “There wasn’t anything painful there, no terrible breakup, and by the time we split up, I was in a really good place. And for the first time in my life, I took control with how I dealt with relationships. Which ultimately led me to you. Meeting you, Kale Montgomery, was the third happiest day of my life. I might not have known it at the time, but my life changed significantly that day, and if I’d had any idea the impact you’d have on me, I probably would’ve run screaming from the classroom. Instead, I was practically giddy when I saw you waiting for me in that parking lot. And then that night? Well, you were there. Let’s just say I was more than happy to accept your friends-with-benefits proposal.” She smiles up at me—the sweetest smile she’s ever given me.

“What I thought would be a summer of fun turned into almost four of the best months of my life, followed by the worst nine as I watched you date that guy from seven thousand plus miles away.”

Her smile turns earnest, almost rueful. “The day you left for Afghanistan, I was devastated, and that’s when I knew you were so much more than my best friend. At the time, I realized I couldn’t do casual anymore, because you’d basically ruined me for all others. What I didn’t know was that you didn’t just ruin me for casual flings, but for any other man. I’m not proud of it, but I tried to forget my feelings for you while I was dating him, yet in the end, they’d only grown stronger.”

“We’re kind of a sad pair, right? All that time wasted because we didn’t want to admit that we had feelings for each other. Until him,” I tell her, rubbing my hand over her belly.

“Maybe not sad… Stubborn, perhaps? Oh well. It doesn’t matter now. When I found out about Sprout, that became the new happiest day of my life, but it was also one of the scariest. And I hope that telling you about Tim can kind of help you understand why I was so hesitant to jump into a relationship at first. I was terrified that the only reason you were expressing feelings for me was because of him. At the same time, I realize how hypocritical that was, because I didn’t tell you how I felt until then either. And I know how unfair it was to project what my father did onto you, but I couldn’t help it. It felt like the past repeating itself, and it scared the sh–er, crap out of me. Which is why I shut you out. I don’t know if I’ve ever said it, but I am really sorry for that. You were so sweet, so gentle and reassuring, and all I could do was kick you out of my apartment and ignore you for the next two days. It’s a wonder you even put up with me.”

Leaning in, I press a kiss against her forehead before looking directly into her eyes. “I put up with you because I love you. Because I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You’ll drive me nuts, I’ll make you pull your hair out, but at the end of the day, it’s you and me, and I wouldn’t change that for the world.”

“You mean you and me and baby,” she teases, lightening the tone of the night.

“True, but it was you and me first, and you’ll always be first for me, Lucy. I appreciate you telling me all that. It does kind of put things into perspective for why you were so resistant in the beginning.”

“I know, and I should’ve been honest and open about it from the beginning, but it was just hard, you know? We’d been whatever the hell we were for so long that the thought of opening up and changing everything was too frightening to even think about. I guess we have this little guy to thank for pushing us to finally be truthful with one another.”

“I know I’ll be thanking him for the rest of my life,” I tell her. “Now, come on. It’s been a long damn day, and I want to get to the hospital first thing in the morning to see how Lily’s doing.”

I watch as her eyes soften, and she brings a hand up to caress my face. “She’s going to be okay, Kale. Like she said, the worst was that they shaved her hair. If that’s not a sign that she’s thinking clearly, then I don’t know what is.” Lucy lets out a small laugh, but I can’t bring myself to find any humor in the situation. I know she’s just trying to keep things light, but I can’t help the overwhelming sense of guilt that seeps back in.

“When she’s home without a bandage on her head and with healed ribs, I might believe you,” I tell her, and she sighs softly.

“Kale, you cannot blame yourself for this. Even Xavier knows it was an accident. You’re just going to be miserable if you keep beating yourself up. That won’t do you any good, and it won’t do Lily any good. You saw her, babe. She was fine. She was laughing and chatting, and she was more than happy to see you.”

I know she’s right, but she wasn’t there. She doesn’t have the images and the sounds replaying over and over in her mind. “I can’t stop seeing her, Lucy. I should’ve been able to stop her, but she was just too damn fast. I was supposed to protect her. She’s my goddaughter for crying out loud, and I couldn’t even keep her safe. What the hell kind of father am I going to be?”

“Oh, Kale,” she whispers as she moves in closer so her belly’s pressed up against my abs. She grabs my hand, brings it down to rest on her stomach, and looks deep into my eyes. “Every single day, you show me what an amazing father you’re going to be. From the moment I met you, I’ve known that. And when you saw Lily tonight, you should’ve seen that, too. She didn’t feel a single ounce of blame towards you, and at the end of the day, there was nothing you could’ve done.”

She leans up and gives me a slow, lingering kiss on the lips before pulling back. “Whatever you’re thinking, Montgomery, you need to stop. I love you. Lily loves you, and Sprout’s going to love the hell out of you. Now get some sleep. We’ll go see her in the morning, okay?”

Nodding, I give her a small smile before she turns over, settling in with her back against my chest. “I love you, too, baby,” I tell her, and I mean it.

As we lie in silence, I replay her admissions over and over in my mind, and I wonder just how in the hell I’m going to get up the courage to finally tell her all about my past. Everything she said just scares me even more, because I don’t want her to feel like she’s a replacement—or that Sprout is—for everything I lost so long ago. But now that I know the history of her biological father, I’m terrified she’s going to find some sort of link between me and him, and I decide, probably foolishly, that her knowing about what happened all those years ago isn’t important. At least not for now. I know it’ll probably come back to bite me in the ass, but I’m taking the coward’s way out.

As I start to drift off to sleep, I see Lily in my mind and I hold onto Lucy even tighter, knowing that if I ever lost her, or Sprout, my life would be over.