Killing Ways

25

The mood was altered in Safe Streets — every killing had been brutal, but there was something about the intrusion into the home, the innocence of the children, the Cheerios, even the white sheets on the washing line, that made what happened to Carly Raine all the more harrowing.

‘We’re bringing in Sylvie Ross to speak to the three-year-old,’ said Gary.

Sylvie Ross was one of the best child forensic interviewers in the country, a member of the FBI’s Child Abduction Rapid Deployment Team, based out of Quantico.

Ah, sporty, marathon-running Sylvie Ross.

One man connected Ren to Sylvie Ross: Paul Louderback, their PT instructor at the academy. For years, Ren and Paul had a deep emotional affair that, for different reasons, at different times, never really advanced. Just before she and Ben got together officially, she and Paul spent a night together, before they realized it would never work. Last she heard, he had gotten back with his ex-wife.

Did you sleep with Paul too, Sylvie?

Why are you even thinking about that now? Get a grip.

‘Who flew her in?’ said Ren. Is the whole CARD team here? Will Paul Louderback be flung into my monogamously unstable path once more?

‘She was in town, and she’s the best there is,’ said Gary. ‘Have you got a problem with that?’

‘No,’ said Ren. ‘Why would I?’

‘I don’t know...’ said Gary. ‘You tell me.’

What the hell are you getting at?

‘Are the autopsy results on Carly Raine back yet?’ said Ren. ‘It’s been two days.’

Gary looked at her like she had ten heads.

‘What?’ said Ren.

‘After your outburst at Gaston, you can hardly—’

‘You know the guy is a dickhead—’

‘Not the point!’ said Gary.

‘It’s exactly the point!’ said Ren. ‘I got about fifteen text messages of congratulations from people who were there or who heard about it—’

‘The point,’ said Gary, ‘is that if you were wrong, for example, if it was one of Ren’s wild beliefs that wasn’t backed up and you went off like that — you would have pissed off a brand-new Medical Examiner who you have to work with—’

‘I get it!’ said Ren. ‘But—’

‘But nothing!’ said Gary. ‘Yes, the guy is an asshole. But how you handled it? Was worse. You can’t behave like—’

‘Like what?’ said Ren.

‘Jesus, Ren, just zip it! For once in your life, just fucking zip it.’

That is fucking IT.

Ren left, bound for the ladies’ room. She walked in, slammed one of the open locker doors shut. She opened more, slammed them, breathed deeply, wallowed in the sound of metal ringing in her ears. It was better than words.

I feel possessed.

She sat down on the bench, leaned back against the cold brick wall.

I want to feel this hardness against my spine, the discomfort. I deserve it. The fury I’m harboring.

The human body is an incredible thing. Everything I am feeling is contained within this one body, I am alone with it, I am the only one who can feel this rippling pain, this rising and falling of emotion.

I have to do something to ease this pressure.

Ren knocked on Gary’s office door, but pushed in before he could finish giving her permission to enter.

‘You don’t get to take this out on me,’ she said, slamming the door behind her. ‘I’m not taking the hit for your perfectionism issues.’

Gary stared at her.

‘Everywhere you look, you’re seeing failure,’ said Ren. ‘At home with Karen, with Claire, here with me on a professional level and on a personal level. You can’t load all that guilt and blame on me. It’s not fair. I can see you — since you had to involve me in your “issue” — you’re looking at me like you can’t handle the fact that I’m aware of your fucking humanity. My flaws have become enormous to you. You’re totally projecting. How can I work with you hovering around me like I’m a fucking bomb about to go off—’

‘It feels like you’re a bomb about to go off,’ said Gary.

‘Or,’ said Ren, ‘do you feel that way only because of what you’ve done? Maybe, because of all this shit, maybe, for once, Gary Dettling really does have to question his judgment. I mean, whoa, you slept around. Or is it that you got caught sleeping around... the fucking cliché. Maybe I’m not the only one here who is going off the rails. And how does that feel after all your judgment of me?’

‘So you think you’re going off the rails?’ said Gary.

‘That’s what you got from all that?’ said Ren. ‘Are you fucking serious? Stop fucking deflecting! The only things you’ve responded to that I’ve said are about me. Me doing something wrong. That’s the way it’s always been—’

‘That is not true,’ said Gary. ‘I have always praised you when—’

‘Reluctantly!’ said Ren. ‘Reluctantly.’

‘I have fought for you every step of the way,’ said Gary.

He has. He always has. ‘No you haven’t,’ said Ren. ‘And if you have, it’s like some kind of extension of your own ego. “Surely I didn’t spectacularly misjudge my own star UCE!”’

‘Where is this coming from?’ Gary threw his hands up. ‘I’m not here saying I’m perfect.’

‘No,’ said Ren, ‘but you’re believing you should be, believing that you have to be, believing that everyone has to be. And that’s your problem. Your wife’s not perfect, that pisses you off; Claire isn’t, that pisses you off; I’m not. Maybe if we were all perfect, you wouldn’t have to be faced with a world of imperfection every fucking day and you could continue to believe that everything can be perfect in your tiny fucking bubble of perfection. Then you could look in the mirror and not see whatever the fuck it is you are seeing.’

Rein it in, Ren, rein it in.

They stared at each other, in the shrinking room, through the excruciating silence, their faces flush, their eyes black.

Fuck, you are sexy. I bet you are a wild fuck.

‘I need to get back to work,’ said Gary.

Oh, I’m not finished yet.

Do not speak, Ren. Do not speak. Shut up.

‘You can’t spend your whole life compensating for your cruel, cheating army father,’ said Ren.

‘Don’t analyze me,’ said Gary, in a tone like a slap across the face.

‘Really?’ said Ren. ‘Really? Extra bang for your buck on my therapy sessions. I can pass on my wisdom for free.’

‘I had no idea you were this angry.’

‘Oh, fuck off, Gary, with your calming tone.’ And I am way beyond ‘this angry’. This is me contained.

‘You’re a different man to your father,’ said Ren. ‘Yes, one who screws up every now and then — screws around, as it turns out. One who is — oh my God — fallible, but you’re not him. I’m sorry, but he sounds like he was not a very nice man. And you are. Regardless of any of this. You’re not out to fuck up lives.’

Her heart was beating too fast. Why am I feeling like the genie is out of the bottle and I could fuck you right now on your desk? Or murder you? I need to leave.