Killing Ways

54

Ren called in sick the next day. She had barely slept, and spent most of the day laying on the sofa, staring at the Wall of Horrors. She tried to stop, tried to watch a box set, tried to do anything to take her mind off her mind.

I am jumping out of my skin.

Her cell phone rang. Janine.

Can’t face her. It’s the phone — no faces. Still.

She let it go to voicemail, then listened to the message.

‘Hey, there — heard you’re sick. Hope you’re feeling better. If you need anything, let me know. Oh, and you’re invited to dinner at Terri’s — she’s just moved into a new place. She’d love to meet you! OK... call me. Hope you’re cozy.’

She put down the phone and it rang immediately.

Glenn Buddy.

I can’t face him.

Don’t want to talk to anyone.

I can’t imagine speaking, having that energy.

The world is fucked up.

The world is fucking me up.

She let the call go to voicemail.

I don’t even have the energy to listen.

Curiosity killed the cat.

She checked the message.

‘Ren, I’m calling with some good news. We got the guy — the hit-and-run of your friend on Mardyke Street: two young kids on a joy ride: not the Big Bad Wolf. So, no one is out to get you.’ He ended with his big laugh.

I’m crazier than the alien Sedalia lady.

Ren ignored food and calls for the rest of the day, then wandered into her bedroom, sat on the bed, and picked up a novel she had started four times before. It was great, but it all felt too trivial. Bigger things were happening out there. There were bigger things to think of. She stared at her toenails — perfectly manicured in blood red. And she thought about female victims on autopsy tables, their lives cut short in all states of grooming and how one could be preserved forever, toenails in need of a pedicure, bikini line needing a wax.

There’s a shitty motivation not to let yourself go.

The intercom buzzer rang. Ren went over, checked the screen.

Joe Lucchesi. What the what now?

‘Ren? Hi — sorry to call over like this — I know you’re sick. I just wanted to go through a few things. I hope I’m not crossing a line.’

Of course you’re crossing a fucking line.

‘Not at all,’ said Ren. ‘Come on up.’ Draw me to sane considerations.

She went over and pulled the curtain across the Wall of Horrors.

I need to keep him contained in the micro-kitchen.

Joe Lucchesi looked ridiculous in the kitchen. Ren had no choice but to bring him into the living room, so they could both breathe and not look like they were in Gulliver’s Travels.

They talked through the case, but something about the conversation felt forced; the lapses into silence, the awkward pauses, the strands they struggled to politely disagree on.

He has an agenda. I’m going to leave him so he can work himself up to getting to the point.

‘Can I get you more coffee?’ said Ren.

‘That would be great, thanks.’

She went into the kitchen, made coffee, and came back in five minutes later. Joe was standing, with the curtain pulled all the way back, looking at the wall. He turned around.

Whoa. Barely restrained fury.

You heard about the Wall of Horrors! That’s why you’re here! Violation!

‘Why haven’t you told me some of this shit?’ said Joe. His eyes were ablaze.

‘This is my home,’ said Ren. ‘That was private.’ Fuck you, asshole.

‘This is my life!’ said Joe. ‘This is a picture of my... wife, for God’s sake.’

‘I know,’ said Ren. ‘You have to understand this is... not for anyone else but me. That’s why it’s at home. I’m respecting your privacy, and my own. I’m putting stuff together; I’m not sure how some of these elements are connected or even if they are.’

‘There’s stuff up here that isn’t at Safe Streets,’ said Joe.

Yes. My crazier ideas.

‘Why is Grace’s name up here?’ said Joe.

‘Because...’ I’m worried. I think she’s part of this. She’s a target... I don’t know. I can’t alarm you.

‘And Shaun’s!’ said Joe.

‘Their names are there because your family has been targeted before,’ said Ren. ‘And, obviously, Gary’s wife has been. Karen is up there too. This is not just about you. I’m up there myself, minus a photo. It’s about so many people. Victims...’

‘Why is there a question mark beside Grace’s name?’

‘A question mark — exactly. Because I don’t have enough information. I don’t know. I didn’t want to come to you with something I don’t know.’

‘Is there something you want to tell me?’ said Joe. ‘Something I don’t know? Is Grace safe?’

‘Tell me again,’ said Ren, ‘Grace is seven or eight on her next birthday?’

‘Seven.’

Ren nodded. ‘That’s good to hear. I had been wondering if her age was significant in terms of Rawlins wanting to hurt her, maybe, at the same age of that girl that Donald Riggs kidnapped the day you shot her — but she was eight years old.’

Joe sat down.

Exhausted and wired, just like me.

They sat in silence for a while.

‘Is there anything else?’ said Joe. He was studying the wall. ‘Who’s Devin?’

‘She’s my dog walker, a student from across the street from where I used to live. She’s been taking care of my dog, Misty. Devin was victim of a hit-and-run... she was dressed in my jacket. I was worried it was a case of mistaken identity. But I just got a call from DPD... they got the two kids involved — it was a regular hit-and-run. And yes, they’re a regular occurrence around here.’

‘Anything else about all this you want to talk to me about, any ideas you want to bounce off me?’ said Joe, calming somewhat.

‘To be honest, I’m tired looking at it,’ said Ren. ‘It’s all I think about.’

Joe stood up. He looked at his watch. ‘In that case, come on... let me buy you a drink. It’s the least I could do for intruding. There’s a great bar around the corner from my hotel. Smallest bar I’ve ever been in.’

‘As long as the measures are big.’

The bar was minuscule, styled like a gentleman’s club, august, austere, its atmosphere ruffled by Joe Lucchesi and Ren Bryce drinking and laughing for four hours’ straight. They ordered a final drink.

‘OK,’ said Joe. ‘It’s time for me to ’fess up.’

I am now nervous. And having a slight spike of sobriety. Annnd it’s gone.

‘I probably should have said this sooner,’ said Joe, ‘but I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.’

‘Is there a reason why you want to make me uncomfortable now?’

He laughed. ‘Well, I think you’ll handle it. I don’t think there are a lot of things you can’t handle.’

LOL.

His face went a little serious. ‘Just... there’s something about you that reminds me of my wife...’

Did NOT see that coming. And I have been looking at her photo for days.

‘Oh,’ said Ren. Annnd now it all makes sense. ‘Wow. I don’t know what to say to that.’ Dead-wife stuff is a minefield.

‘I’m sorry if that made me treat you any differently,’ said Joe. ‘It kind of freaked me out. And I think Shaun had the same reaction when he saw you — he came off as a bit rude. I’m sure you saw that. He’s not. Anna was slim like you, a little shorter maybe, but similar coloring, she had that... edge...’ He laughed. ‘But it was more “French” — fiery in a moody way. You — there’s something dangerous about you. Like, it’s what you’re looking out for. Anna wasn’t. But she got it — the world at its worst. Because of me.’

‘You can’t keep blaming yourself...’ said Ren.

Joe shrugged.

But you don’t know any other way to live.

‘Have you been to therapy?’ said Ren. ‘I ask with zero expectation of a positive response.’

Joe laughed. ‘Correct. No, I have not.’

‘Don’t underestimate it,’ said Ren. Look how amazing I’ve turned out!

‘It’s not going to happen,’ said Joe. ‘Not now. I’m good. I’ve got the kids. Grace saved my life.’

I know. You told me. We all have stories. This is your ‘story’. But I’m guessing you don’t get a chance to tell it all that often. And you probably need to.

‘I literally don’t know what I would have done without her,’ said Joe. ‘But I would bet that I wouldn’t have made it. I will never forget when she was born and she was whisked off to one side, and Anna was in such distress, and Grace wasn’t breathing, and I was there and it was fucking terrifying. It was like... I can’t describe it. Next thing, I hear Grace crying, and the relief, I can’t express it. But then, Anna... Anna was gone, just like that. The alarms were going off, left and right, I was pushed out of the room, and they were working on Anna. It was like... like her last breaths... went to Grace. That’s what the timing was like. It fucked with my head for a long time. I couldn’t get it out of my mind. But when they handed me Grace... I... I was blown away. She was this perfect, beautiful little thing. And, that was that, she got my heart. Right there. I was gone. She was mine, I was hers.’

My mascara. More details this time.

They descended into silence.

‘I don’t think I’ve ever told a woman that story before,’ said Joe.

Ren wiped away tears. ‘Jesus... maybe don’t. I mean...’ if I was on a date with you, I’d be so outta there.

‘I know, heavy stuff,’ said Joe. ‘You’re easy to talk to, I guess.’ He took a breath. ‘The graduation... isn’t the only reason I brought Grace; we have a doctor’s appointment. For test results. Well, he’s a pediatric gastroenterologist, the best in the country. Grace hadn’t been gaining weight for the past few months. We’re not sure why. I... I can’t bear to imagine...’

Jesus Christ. ‘Don’t imagine,’ said Ren. ‘I know that’s probably impossible, but wait and see. Worrying won’t help anyone. Grace looks like a very healthy little girl — this could be a temporary thing, a food allergy, I don’t know.’

Joe nodded. ‘That’s what I keep telling myself.’

She put her hand on his arm.

Possibly inappropriate.

‘Sorry I was an asshole to you...’ said Joe.

‘You were fine.’

He laughed. ‘You thought I was an asshole.’

‘Maybe. But I don’t any more.’ Which is a total disaster. Because now I’m back to finding you as attractive as when I first saw you at the airport.

Go home, Ren. Go home. This would be a good time to go home.