Killing Ways

47

Ben welcomed her straight to bed when she got home.

‘You are too good,’ she said afterwards. ‘I almost can’t handle it.’

It’s overwhelming.

Ben laughed. ‘I’m not sure you’re old or obese enough to have a heart attack.’

‘I’m not so sure.’ Why do I feel so overwhelmed?

She rolled over on her side, out from under his arm and got up.

‘Aren’t you staying in bed?’

‘Killers gonna kill...’

‘A few hours won’t make a difference...’

‘You know lots of things, Ben Rader, but that, you do not.’ She leaned down and kissed him. ‘Grabbing my tits is only going to make this harder for both of us.’ She paused. ‘Don’t even say it. Don’t show that to me.’

Goddamn it.

Ren sat on the sofa with Chloe Farraday’s notebooks open around her. They seemed to span her high school years, sophomore to senior, and one more after that. They were part-journal, part creative writing, part music manuscript. There were unsurprising threads of darkness through all of it, along with drawings of pretty girls, and pretty things.

I can relate.

Chloe was fervently anti-drugs, had been a leader in the Say No campaign, designed posters for it, given speeches.

‘Hey,’ said Ben, walking into the living room.

Ren glanced at the clock: 4 a.m.

‘You need to get some rest,’ said Ben.

‘I can’t. I’m in the middle of this.’ She paused, her hands resting on the open notebook.

‘You won’t be able to think straight if you don’t rest,’ said Ben.

‘That’s bullshit,’ said Ren. ‘You know that. And I’m thinking very straight.’

‘Your sleep is all over the place—’

‘It’s not!’

‘I’m not trying to interfere—’

‘Yet, here you are...’

‘Come on...’ said Ben.

‘OK, look, if I can just keep working here, then I’ll be able to come to bed quicker—’

‘It’s four a.m.—’

‘Who gives a fuck?’

‘You need to look after your... health...’

She narrowed her eyes. ‘“Health”? I’m sitting here with eight notebooks to get through, trying to fucking absorb all this shit, trying to... to... I mean, fuck! This woman —’ she stabbed the photo of Hope Coulson — ‘delivered food to lonely fucking old people! And she gets raped and murdered! This woman was in her garden in the sunshine hanging out her fucking washing... No, fuck this, Ben. The world has gone to shit. It has gone to shit. And I’m trying to play my part in shoveling it off the side of the fucking earth, down into the burning center of hell, I don’t care, where ever. The idea that the city is filled with potential victims is traumatizing me.’

‘Ren, Ren, calm down,’ said Ben. ‘Calm down.’

I want to hurt you.

‘You are not my shrink!’ said Ren.

‘Well, where is your shrink is what I want to know?’ said Ben.

‘Asleep — where else would he be? Or in a psychiatric unit helping people who really need help.’ She paused. ‘Why are you looking at me like that? What’s your point?’

Ben sat down.

Why are you sitting down? Why are you breathing?

Ben looked pale. ‘Ren...’ he said, his tone gentle, ‘... do I have your permission to call Dr Lone?’

What the FUCK? ‘Are you high? Are you out of your mind? Do you know what you’d sound like to him if you called him up about me? You’d sound like dictionary-definition first-world problem. You’d sound like a spoilt brat whose girlfriend is giving him a pain in his ass. Dr Lone would be like “I’m dealing with suicidal, psychotic, violent, sexually deviant crazy people and you’re calling me about your FBI agent girlfriend? And you’re an FBI agent yourself?” He’d be like: “Get a fucking grip!”’

‘Ren...’

‘I’m not having this conversation. I have work to do. And if you stand in the way of that—’

Ben walked quietly out of the room. Ren got up and walked after him.

‘I can’t stand this,’ she said.

‘I just want to go to bed,’ said Ben.

‘Well, I want to talk to you,’ said Ren.

‘I thought you wanted to work.’

‘Well, you’ve ruined that now.’

‘Ren, go back to work.’

‘No! I want to talk about this.’

‘It’s late, I’m exhausted, so are you—’

‘I can’t deal with this,’ said Ren. ‘You monitoring me like this.’

‘Well, go, then,’ said Ben. ‘Just go.’

‘You don’t think I’ll leave?’ said Ren. ‘You never do! Men never think you’re going to leave... until you do. And do you know what?’ Do not finish that sentence or you can never come back from it.

‘What?’ said Ben.

I always do. I always leave.

‘What?’ said Ben. ‘Finish that sentence.’

No way. ‘Nothing,’ said Ren. ‘Nothing. I just want to work.’

‘Yeah, go ahead. Stay healthy.’

‘What the fuck is that supposed to mean?’

‘Nothing. Nothing.’

‘Grow the fuck up,’ said Ren.

‘I leave in the morning — I’d rather not leave like this.’

‘OK, I’ll come in and we can fuck, then I can get back to this.’

He hovered in the doorway. She turned around to him, waiting for an answer.

‘How does that sound?’ she said.

‘I’m tired, I’m just going to go back to sleep. Maybe we can have breakfast together.’

‘OK,’ said Ren. I’m an asshole. ‘Come here, give me a kiss before you go.’

The next morning, Ren made French toast, bacon, fruit salad, fresh juice and coffee. Ben arrived in the kitchen at seven a.m. Ren was flicking through another of Chloe’s notebooks.

Don’t mention sleep.

‘Wow,’ he said. ‘This looks great.’

‘So do you. And so did my refrigerator when I opened it.’

‘Well, I know how it can get around here...’ He kissed her. ‘Did you get everything you wanted done?’

‘Yes. I’m on the verge of something. It’s like I have everything I need, I just need to put it all together. The answer is there.’

‘The answer as to where you will find Duke Rawlins?’

‘Why, exactly, is he here? Why now — at this point in time? He has his sights on Joe Lucchesi who’s here for his son’s graduation. But I don’t think that’s all there is to it.’

‘You’re sexy when you’re thinking.’ He smiled. ‘See what I did there?’

‘I’m always sexy! I like that. If it was true, then I’d be exactly like you.’

‘Ha! Which one of us is going to throw up first?’

‘Sorry about being cranky last night.’ You have no idea how much energy it takes for me not to explode.

‘You were just tired.’

I wasn’t in the least bit tired. Jesus. Which part of not tired... ‘Come on, let’s go back to bed so we can send you home on a high.’