Killing Ways

30

Ren went to Devin’s house on the way home to reintroduce herself to Misty. She and Devin took her for a walk in the park, and stopped in a café for hot chocolate on the way back.

Ben was in the apartment when Ren got home.

‘Hey there, pretty lady,’ he said. There was a bunch of flowers in a vase on the table.

Ren threw her arms around him. ‘I love them!’ They kissed. ‘I love you!’

‘Well, I love you too.’ He paused. ‘Your Wall of Horrors? Not so much.’

‘Bedroom,’ said Ren. ‘Now.’

Ren got up off the bedroom floor afterwards, and headed for the shower.

Ben was watching her as she left. ‘You might not want to lose any more weight...’

She stopped and turned toward him. ‘Or I might want to lose lots more. Who knows?’

‘You’re getting a little too thin...’

‘What — for your liking?’

Ren looked at herself in the mirror. I look way better skinny. And I’ve muscles, anyway. I don’t want to lose weight. I just want to work out as much as I feel like working out. Not my fault if that makes me thinner, buddy. Suck it up.

‘I’m just saying you’re working out a lot,’ said Ben.

‘Well then, just say “you’re working out a lot” instead of “you’re repelling me with your boniness”.’

‘Which I did not say,’ said Ben.

‘Not maybe in those words...’ said Ren.

‘Literal Studies with Ren Bryce.’ Ben grabbed a magazine from the nightstand.

‘What did you say?’

‘Nothing.’

‘You can use my hip bones for purchase,’ she shouted.

Ben laughed.

‘I don’t want to live in a place where we can hear each other so easily,’ said Ren.

‘I don’t know how to take that...’

‘From behind... as you slice your finger open on my hip bone.’

‘It’s just wall-to-wall sexual images tonight...’

‘OK, let’s start again,’ said Ren. ‘Come into the shower, close your eyes and pretend I’m someone huge... like Kate Moss.’

‘Can we stay in tonight?’ said Ben.

Aw, maan. ‘No.’

‘We’re always going out,’ said Ben.

‘No — I’m always going out.’

‘Can’t we just watch a movie?’

‘No. Let’s have a life.’

They got back at two a.m. Ben caught Ren by the elbow as she stumbled in the door, tried to hold her steady. She shrugged away from him.

‘Ren, what the hell was that about, earlier?’ he said.

‘What do you mean?’ said Ren. Ooh, my head is spinning.

‘The bar!’ said Ben.

‘Don’t raise your voice,’ said Ren.

‘I’m not raising my voice,’ said Ben. ‘You disappeared for nearly half an hour, three separate times, then I go check you’re all right, and you’re talking to a group of guys...’

‘Why would you even be checking if I’m all right?’ said Ren. ‘That’s ridiculous.’

‘No, it isn’t,’ said Ben. ‘You were gone so long.’

‘Jesus,’ said Ren.

‘It’s not like I’m here all the time,’ said Ben. ‘And, I’m sorry, but you looked like you were flirting.’

‘Oh, please,’ said Ren. ‘I was not flirting. There’s a difference between being friendly and flirting.’

‘I know that,’ said Ben. ‘I’m telling you this bearing that in mind.’

Ugh. ‘This is bullshit,’ said Ren. ‘Where is this going to lead? Is there some conclusion? Let’s just agree to disagree. I’m here with you. I haven’t disappeared with one of those guys. Nobody died.’

‘Nice, Ren. Real nice.’

‘Jesus, Ben.’ Why does everyone want to suck the life out of the room? ‘I’m going to bed. You can have the sofa if you want.’

Slam.

Ben was sitting in the living room when she came down the next morning. The duvet was folded up beside him, the pillow on top of it. He looked pale.

Shit.

‘Hey,’ said Ren.

‘Hey.’

‘What time is it?’

‘Six thirty.’

Jesus, why do I do this to myself?

She walked over to him and sat down beside him. ‘I’m sorry about last night.’ I was so drunk. I’m off meds. I was so, so drunk. ‘I don’t know what to say.’

Ben slumped back, stretched his hands above his head. ‘Neither do I.’ He pointed to her phone. ‘You left your phone on the table. It beeped in the middle of the night. I picked it up to turn it to Silent...’

Uh-oh. Did you see anything else? Scan memory. Scan memory... FUUUUCK.

‘I know I shouldn’t have read anything...’ said Ben. ‘So I want to apologize for that first.’

‘I can’t believe you did that,’ said Ren.

‘I’m sorry — it began as an accident, but then I figured I might get some answers as to why you’ve been behaving strangely.’

‘What?’ Maintain eye contact. ‘What do you mean strangely?’

‘You have not been... yourself. I read your texts to Janine...’

Oh, noooo.

‘I quote,’ said Ben. ‘“Why can’t I stop thinking about fucking YKW?” Ben looked up at Ren. ‘I’m going to presume that YKW — You Know Who — is not me, because it would be OK to think about fucking your boyfriend. Who is YKW?’

This is pretty fucking shit. ‘No one.’

‘Seriously...’ said Ben.

‘No one important,’ said Ren. ‘I mean... it’s not real. It’s not like I’m actually going to do it.’

‘Well then,’ said Ben. ‘I’m going to guess it’s Gary.’

Whoa... ly shit. ‘Gary?’ said Ren. ‘Why Gary?’

‘Because I know you like Gary and respect him, I know you’ve referred to him as handsome in the past, and I get that women like him. Plus, there’s the Paul Louderback tradition of older males.’

‘This is so embarrassing,’ said Ren. ‘I was drunk when I texted that.’

‘At seven p.m.?’ said Ben.

‘Well, yes,’ said Ren. ‘That was the Saturday night we had that fight over the phone. It was after that long lunch...’

‘And what would have happened if that long lunch was with Gary?’ said Ben.

I may indeed have slept with him if the opportunity arose. ‘Nothing.’

‘And what am I supposed to do with that information?’ said Ben.

‘I don’t know. I really don’t. Forget it! It’s embarrassing. It’s not how I feel. I don’t even know why I sent it. It’s like... I don’t know... a weird celebrity crush thing... I mean, read Janine’s reaction: This is not real.’

‘You should hear yourself,’ said Ben.

‘I can hear myself,’ said Ren. ‘It’s embarrassing.’

‘I get it,’ said Ben. ‘But think about how I feel. Do you still keep thinking about fucking him?’

Only when I’m alone with him. And myself. ‘No. No. I don’t know what that was all about. I don’t get it.’

‘I heard a rumor that he’s been sleeping around,’ said Ben.

Ooh.

‘I’m guessing by your face that’s true,’ said Ben.

Damn you, traitor face. ‘Yes. But please don’t say that—’

‘Was it with you?’

‘What? No,’ said Ren. ‘I can assure you of that.’

‘Do you wish it was?’ said Ben.

Part of me does, yes, which I can barely understand myself. ‘No.’

Now: blow-job time! Look down here! Look down here!

‘Ren, stop — I’m not in the mood.’

What guy is ever not in the mood for a blow job? That’s not normal.

She sat up beside him on the sofa.

I’m such a loser.

She started to cry. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘Don’t cry,’ said Ben. ‘It’s definitely not worth crying about.’ He studied her face. ‘But, are you OK?’

She nodded. ‘Yes. Just... a little stressed.’

‘You don’t seem yourself.’

Which self?

‘Come here,’ said Ben, drawing her onto his lap, stroking her damp hair.

Oh, God. What am I doing to this sweet man?

The same thing I always do.