Killing Ways

57

Ren got a text from Ben as she sat down at her desk: Morning, baby. Miss that hot body. XX

Hot: no. Ice-cold. And in another man’s bed. Jesus. Christ. If the tables were turned.

‘Get in a fight last night?’ said Everett.

‘No,’ said Ren, looking up. Alarmed.

Everett laughed. ‘Not you — you,’ he said, gesturing to Joe.

‘No,’ said Joe.

End of snapped explanation.

‘Ren, you must have stayed out late,’ said Everett. ‘I see pineapple juice.’

‘Aren’t you the observant one?’ said Joe.

Leave my Everett alone. Are you in a bad humor because of me, Joe Lucchesi?

Ren’s phone rang.

‘It’s Gary — come into my office.’

This has to be some kind of joke. ‘Now?’ said Ren.

Gary put the phone down.

She went into his office and sat down.

‘Ren, I don’t believe you are taking your meds.’

Oh. Shit. But why do you think that?

‘Well, I am.’

He stared her down. ‘You’re showing signs of—’

‘With the greatest respect, you have had a lot going on,’ said Ren at the same time.

That did not go down well.

‘All I can say to that is remember what I take are mood stabilizers,’ said Ren. ‘They stabilize my mood, they don’t strip me of all vitality.’

‘I’m not saying you’re showing signs of vitality,’ said Gary. ‘I’m saying you’re showing signs of mania.’

‘I am not manic.’

He studied her face. ‘I’m sorry, Ren. I don’t believe you.’

I want to hurt you. It’s an extreme and terrifying urge. But I mean it. If you want to strap me down and medicate me, you go ahead. But you’ll be saying goodbye to a serial killer if you do. You need me like this. You need me focused.

‘I need you focused,’ said Gary. ‘And I don’t think you are. You are case agent on a huge case — a position of trust that I put you in when...’

‘When what?’

‘Don’t fuck up.’

‘I won’t. Please, Gary, stop asking me about meds. Let me do my job. Have I fucked up on this yet? No. And I promise, if I come riding through the office naked on a white horse, waving a bottle of vodka in the air, feel free to shoot me with a tranq gun. Just mind the horse.’

Gary stared at her.

Unreadable.

By one o’clock, Ren was sitting in Dr Lone’s office.

‘I’m sorry for being sprung on you like this,’ she said. ‘I... Gary just called me in again, told me “Boom, you’re going to see Dr Lone at one p.m.” Just like that — no warning.’

‘He must be concerned for you,’ said Lone. ‘Do you have any idea why?’

No meds talk. You don’t have the energy to lie convincingly.

‘No,’ said Ren, ‘in that there is no problem, but Gary, I would venture, thinks I’m a little paranoid.’

Lone nodded. ‘Why do you think that?’

EVERYONE IS ASKING ME WHY EVERYTHING. ‘Because I guess I’ve jumped... come to a conclusion or two that was... incorrect and, I guess... worst-case-scenario.’

‘That can happen,’ said Lone.

‘I know!’ said Ren. ‘That’s what I think!’

‘Can you go through the incidents he’s talking about it?’

Ren talked him through Devin and Janine. Does Grace Lucchesi count?

‘So,’ said Lone, ‘there were several times when you thought you were being targeted, and those closest to you, personally or professionally or both, were being targeted too.’

‘Yes,’ said Ren. ‘The evidence pointed to that.’

‘Sometimes, things can come together to create a picture that, combined with our personal perspective, our filter—’

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. ‘But there was compelling evidence...’ Wasn’t there?

‘I understand,’ said Dr Lone. ‘But we should also look at the possibility that your angle on that evidence created an extra dimension.’

Grrr. ‘What am I meant to do? My job is to protect people who are in danger. Do I have to run everything by people before I act on anything? That’s not practical in life-or-death situations.’

‘But some of these situations were not life-or-death,’ said Lone. ‘And, yes, it would be wise to run these things by at least one other colleague. You have to operate as a team. You are part of a team.’

Teamwork...

Lone smiled. ‘That may not appeal to you at times, but there’s a reason why that infrastructure is there.’

‘I like to be able to make quick decisions,’ said Ren. ‘I mean, what if someone was trying to kill Janine? And I hung around waiting to run my theories by someone? She could be dead.’

‘Let’s talk about loss for a moment,’ said Lone.

Loss? What?

‘Would I be right in saying that you care very much for Janine?’

‘Yes, of course.’

‘And Ben?’

‘Yes.’

‘And Gary?’

‘Yes.’

‘Perhaps you are worried about losing all three of them,’ said Lone.

What? No, I’m not. Not at all. I’m never going to lose them.

‘It might not be at the forefront of your mind,’ said Dr Lone, ‘but you might want to consider it.’

No, thanks. Why would I want to sit around considering my worst possible nightmare?

‘There’s something else too,’ said Ren. She told him about the previous night.

‘So, what I was wondering was, do you think I should tell Ben?’ she said.

‘Only you can decide that,’ said Lone.

Really? ‘Really? Aren’t you going to tell me that the truth is the only way forward?’

‘No,’ said Lone.

‘But I need you to tell me!’ said Ren. I am a child.

Lone smiled kindly. ‘I know,’ he said. ‘But you also know that the decision has to come from your heart.’

‘I can’t tell him,’ said Ren. ‘My heart won’t allow me to.’ She paused. ‘I don’t even know if that’s selfish. I don’t know what the right thing to do is. He loves me, and I don’t deserve him, and—’

‘You have to stop thinking that way,’ said Lone. ‘You didn’t take it any further last night, which you’ve told me is the first time that’s ever happened under those circumstances.’

‘Yes!’ said Ren. ‘It’s a miracle!’

‘As for telling Ben, you don’t need to make a decision on that right now. If it’s causing you distress, don’t do something just as a quick fix to alleviate that.’

Ren nodded. ‘OK.’

‘Call me if you need me,’ said Lone. He handed her a card. ‘This has my cell phone number.’

‘Don’t tell me: is it fifty-one fifty?’

Lone laughed. Fifty-one fifty was the code in California for an involuntary psychiatric hold; urban slang for completely nuts.

‘Do I seem that bad?’ said Ren.

Dr Lone smiled. ‘It’s a cell phone number, not a straitjacket.’

Ren looked at him. ‘If you know that even good people can hurt people, then how can you ever trust?’

Lone opened his palms, did an illustrative flourish with his elegant fingers. ‘All you can do is accept that hurt is part of life.’

Ren took a deep breath. ‘I don’t want to hurt anyone. And I don’t want to be hurt. I don’t think I can ever accept hurt as a part of life...’

‘Hurt is a part of life,’ said Lone. ‘It is not, however, the whole of life or the end of life.’

‘I like that.’

Still terrified.