Myth-Fortunes

Chapter 14

"I said I was sorry," I protested once more. Aahz glared at me and stuck his nose back into the bucket-sized mug of beer.

" 'Sorry' doesn't clear the water out of my ears," he said.

"C'mon, Aahz," Tananda said, scooting closer to him on the wooden bench of our new favorite bar in the Bazaar at Deva, the Over Easy. "He was a little surprised, that's all. It's happened to all of us."

While most of the others at the table with us weren't magicians, everybody nodded. Mistakes were just that: mistakes.

"I am sure the Boss didn't mean to inconvenience you," Guido said, keeping his voice neutral. Beside him, Nunzio nodded. Gus the Gargoyle, off duty that evening from the Golden Crescent Inn waved his cup of molten lava. Bunny and Tananda agreed.

"It was a bad time for an enchantus interruptus," Aahz said, his eyebrows down. "Here we were, trying to convince the secretary that we were master magicians to be taken seriously, in spite of our connection with a former employee who left a bad impression behind him, and we ended up acting like a couple of comedians from Vodville."

"Where's that?" I asked, before I could stop myself. Aahz turned the glare up another notch. "I'm sorry! I saw something in the water."

"It was me," Aahz growled. "There was nothing else there. It must have been a trick of the light. You should have kept your mind on your spell. I fell out of the sky like a rock. The only reason Balu didn't laugh when I dropped onto his back was that he was scared about being there in the first place."

By contrast, I had floated down from the giant bubble like a snowflake, and Aahz still resented it. I offered to buy his beer that evening to make up for it. He was on his third. I nursed my single glass of

wine, which I really needed after a day like that.

"How's your mother?" I asked, eager to get the scrutiny of the group off me and onto something else.

"She's fine," Bunny said.

"Nothing wrong at home?" I urged, seeing her hesitate.

"Not really." She sat erect and settled her back against the wall. Something else was bothering her, but she fended off any attempts I made to get her to talk about it. Maybe she would open up on her own later. But she smiled at me. "What's going on in Aegis?"

Three pails of beer were finally mellowing Aahz.

"Just a little wonderworking to amaze the locals," Aahz said, very casually. "Today, part of the building's foundation fell apart."

Bunny's eyebrows went up. "That's bad. Does that mean delays?"

"Not with us there," Aahz said with a grin that stretched from one ear to the other. "Samwise was right to bring us in.

"What did you do?"

"It wasn't me—it was Skeeve, here." He brought a palm around and smacked me on the back so hard I almost went face down in my wine. "I've never seen a Klahd channel magik better. He picked the whole damned pyramid up all by himself!"

"Wow!" Bunny squealed. "That's amazing!" She leaned over the table and gave me a big kiss. I felt proud of myself. "Felicitations," Guido said. "That was a mighty feat." "Truly historic," Nunzio agreed.

Their words were more than encouraging, but their faces told a different story. They were worried.

When I thought about it, I realized that I was worried, too. It wasn't like Aahz not to add some self-aggrandizement to a story if at all possible. Instead, he launched into a detailed narration of how when the project management got bogged down in bureaucracy, I had come through with a never-before-seen exhibition of magikal expertise. I was shocked. Then I realized everybody was looking at me.

"It was nothing," I mumbled into my drink, embarrassed to look up at the admiring scrutiny of the others.

"It was good work," Aahz said. He accepted another bucketful from the barmaid and raised it. "Slainte, partner."

He took a deep draught, then spat it out all over everyone on the table. I jumped back, wiping noxious liquid off my face.

"What the hell is this?" Aahz bellowed. "This tastes like ammonia!" The barmaid ran back to him.

"Oh, Mr. Aahz, I am so sorry!" she exclaimed. "I picked up the wrong pail! This is the mop water."

"I know the beer here is weak, but you think I wouldn't be able to tell the difference?"

"I didn't mean to," the barmaid said, blotting all of us with the edge of her apron.

Tananda did her best to contain the smile that tried to crease her lips. She and Bunny affected innocent expressions when Aahz turned his glare on the rest of us.

"Bad luck, Aahz," Guido said. "You must admit that it is an honest mistake."

"I'm getting tired of mistakes!" Aahz growled.

The barmaid returned with the manager, Lucanzi.

"Mr. Aahz, I can't tell you how sorry we are," he said, twisting his hands together. "We prize your custom. We are very proud that M.Y.T.H., Inc., visits our establishment."

"Are you feeling sorry enough to comp the refill?" Aahz asked, sourly. "How about a round for the table?"

"Well, yours, sure, Aahz," Lucanzi said. Deveels weren't any better about compensating customers than Pervects were.

"What about the ladies here? They got all dressed up to come to this pigsty, and they end up decorated with floor squeezings! Look at the stains on their nice evening wear."

Lucanzi eyed Tananda and Bunny. I could have gotten the dirt out with a twitch of magik, and Lucanzi knew that, too, but it was the thrill of the chase for Aahz and the manager. Tananda had her knife out of her sheath and was cleaning her nails with it. Bunny somehow managed to look innocent and formidable at the same time, a combination that I could never have achieved in a million years.

"Well, all right," Lucanzi began.

"And my friends here?" Aahz waved a hand to indicate the rest of us.

"Now, just a minute! You're not going to suggest that washing those cheap suits is the equivalent of a pint of my best beer!"

Guido stood up and looked down upon the Deveel host from a height at least a foot greater than his. "Whose suit is it you are callin' cheap?" he asked.

Lucanzi smiled weakly. "No offense, good sir," he said. "All right, all right. Carnita, drinks for the table. One round on us. No more!" He gave Aahz a fierce glare. Aahz sat down again with a grin. He'd gotten what he wanted. I remembered just then it would have been his round to start with. He had managed to get it without paying for it.

"Nicely done," Nunzio observed.

Aahz accepted the accolade and a fresh, foaming bucketful from the chastised barmaid. He took a deep drink.

"It's all in how you handle the situation," he said.

"So, any luck on your other project?" Tananda asked, looking at me lazily from underneath her eyelashes. I shook my head.

"There's really no time to meet girls on the job," I said, keeping my voice low. I didn't feel comfortable talking about my dateless state in public, but she had asked, and deserved an answer. "I mean, I've seen a few nice girls in Aegis, but we're too busy running around taking care of crises. I'm also coming along when Aahz takes a client up to sell him a stone. I don't get to spend more than a minute or two around

the water cooler with anyone."

"Give yourself a chance," Tanda suggested. "You don't have to look for the one-and-only right away. Just someone to have fun with over a drink or a cup of coffee will be good to get started."

"I feel awkward just trying to ask someone out. I never know when it's the right time to offer. I think I'm pushing too hard."

"The more you practice, the less awkward you'll feel," Bunny added. "Heaven knows I have heard some rotten pickup lines, but those are from the guys who think all they have to do is beckon and girls will just drop everything for them. It's guys like you who interest us more." She looked me up and down the way she had when she first arrived at M.Y.T.H., Inc., dressed up like a dressmaker's mannequin wearing enough makeup to open her own line of cosmetics. That really made me feel awkward.

"What should I say?"

"Something that sounds natural," Bunny said. "Something sincere about what attracted you enough to approach a girl."

"Just don't take any advice from other men," a slender

Deveel woman at the next table said, turning to poke me in the chest with a sharpened fingernail. "Excuse me for listening, but guys will tell you the worst possible lines so they look good in comparison."

"I think you're right," Tananda said. "I can't believe some of their lines! They couldn't possibly have come up with them up on their own, because they'd die of shame if they thought about what they were saying."

"Men have no shame, baby," said a large woman in a dress that struggled to stay fastened around her ample bosom. "They want only one thing." She shifted her shoulders, making her assets roll from side to side.

"Hey, I didn't think we was so obvious about it," said the skinny male at the two-top table with her.

"Are you kidding?" The woman laughed. He laughed with her. I guessed it was an old joke between them. I had never been able to joke with a woman in whom I was interested. Part of me longed for that kind of intimacy, but I wasn't sure how one achieved it. I opened my mouth to ask.

"What's it all about?" Gus asked, his gaze shifting bemusedly from one female to another. "Why do you ask, Skeeve?"

I clamped my mouth shut.

"He's writing a book," Nunzio said suddenly. I was undyingly grateful to him, since all I needed was for it to get around the Bazaar that I didn't think I could get a girl without help. I knew he was a true friend, because he was willing to lie for me.

"A book on dating by you? Hey, that'd be a big seller!" the Gargoyle said cheerfully. "And don't forget to put in the part about bringing the gal a present on your first date. That makes her a whole lot more receptive to a little 'who's yer daddy?' " He winked broadly at me.

I frowned. "Isn't getting to know her folks something for later on when the relationship starts to get more serious?" I asked. Gus threw back his head and laughed. Aahz poked me in the side surreptitiously with one claw tip and subtly shook his head. I felt my cheeks burn.

"Is it gonna be that funny?" Gus asked, slapping his knee. "Skeeve, you'll sell millions!"

"So, what kind of present do you recommend?" I asked.

"You gonna write it down?" Gus asked eagerly. "You don't have anything to write on."

"I can ask you again later when I've got a piece of paper," I said. "Just getting together some ideas right now."

Gus's gray forehead rippled forward, then smoothed out again. "I like to give a girl I'm interested in something small, like a can of really nice spray paint," he said. "If you know her favorite color, she'll like that. She'll think of you every time she does a little personal illuminating."

"Spray paint?" Guido asked. "That's only for girls who are possessed of stone skin."

"What do you think I dated before I found the missus?" Gus asked, puzzled. "Stone skin's the major turn-on for me. A great, cold marble complexion, that's what I really go for."

"Oh, some of us appreciate a little spray paint," Tananda said with a fetching shiver that had every man at the table watching her in fascination. "It tickles!"

"Perfume's too personal," Bunny agreed. "If you give her something from your favorite hobby, it could be a good ice breaker. Then she'll know a little about you, too."

"Never," said the Deveel girl, aiming a finger directly at my nose, "give a girl lingerie before the third date. Maybe not until the sixth. That's a present for you, not her."

"I never ..." I protested.

"Candy's good," said the barmaid, bending her knees to rest the edge of her tray on the table.

"Something you'd actually eat," Tananda said, with a smile. "Not out of the bargain bin at World o' Stuff."

"Cheapskates," agreed the Deveel, whose name was Felina. "Sometimes they even forget to take the price tag off."

Tanda, Bunny and Felina launched into a lively and detailed discussion of gifts they had received from would-be suitors, most of which were unacceptable in one way or another. I had never really realized the depths of my ignorance when it came to the fair sex. Nor were they at all shy about discussing the shortcomings of dates they had had, in spite of the fact that there were several men listening.

"One of Uncle Bruce's men brought me an ammo belt," Bunny sighed. "Only it was the wrong caliber quarrels for my crossbow. I knew it wasn't going to work out. He wasn't paying attention. He was angling to get close to my uncle. I told him he should bring Uncle Bruce a present, if he was so interested in him. That shut him up." She put her tip-tilted nose in the air.

"Hey, Miss Bunny, men don't stand a chance if you don't cut us any slack," Nunzio protested. "The power's all on your side."

"And we mean to keep it that way," she said with a sweet smile.

"How do you strike up a conversation if you have nothing to say?" I asked.

"Ask for help or offer help," Felina said promptly. "If you're new in town, ask where the good places are to eat, then offer to take her to one of them. Pay. Don't go dutch. You'll look cheap. If she likes you,

she'll treat you another time."

"Skeeve wouldn't be cheap," Bunny said. "He's a generous guy. Aren't you, Skeeve?" "I, uh . . . "

"And how about that bum standing me up on our date, when he told everyone he was taking me out?" the barmaid asked, coming to set fresh mugs down on our table. "You would never leave a girl standing, especially in a bad neighborhood, would you?"

Before I could open my mouth, Tananda jumped in. "No, of course he wouldn't. He'd be there."

"And the last skunk that I dated," Felina said, leaning in confidentially, "started seeing another girl on the side. As if I wouldn't find out. You wouldn't do that to a girl, would you, Skeeve?"

"Uh, no ... "

"Of course not," Tananda said. "For better or worse, he's one of the most honest guys I know."

"Honest is not always so good," said the hefty Deveel woman. "Who wants to know, really, if their hips look big in something? But you should put in that book of yours to be tactful. Tactful gets you more points than honest half the time. But if you're not fundamentally honest, you lose, guy. Do you know the difference?" "Uh ..."

Instead of opening my mouth, I started to look around for something to write on. Other women chimed in from around the bar.

"Open doors. Help us get a heavy package up the stairs. But if we say no, we mean it. Don't force the issue. That's insulting. Our magik's as good as yours."

"Do a little favor for her and don't expect a favor in return."

"Don't be in such a hurry! Trust takes time."

"Maybe she is looking for the same thing you are, but let her tell you."

"Just be nice. That means more than all the presents in the world."

Before long, I had a hundred suggestions for my imaginary book. I was going to have so much information and opinions that maybe I should have thought about writing one. It was kind of embarrassing to listen to them shooting the breeze back and forth, making unflattering statements about bad dates. The notion that I might have been one of those thoughtless men made me feel awful. I surely was guilty of at least a few of the mistakes they discussed. My biggest night out was still a blur in my head. I couldn't recall all of my date with Cassandra. At least I hadn't been cheap—in fact, I had been wildly profligate, as my bill from the credit card had shown. And while my advances had gone farther than they might have if I had been sober, they hadn't been completely unwanted, if the note she had left on my mirror in lipstick was an indication.

"Does any of this help?" Bunny asked at a lull in the conversation.

"No," I admitted. "I think I'm more confused than before."

She smiled at me. "You'll get it. Really. Relationships between men and women are as natural as the birds and the bees. Otherwise, why would there be so many people?"

I had no answer to that. I stuck my nose in my wine cup to think. Why hadn't Aahz put in his two copper pieces? He was always free with advice.

I glanced around and spotted him next to the bar counter. Aahz and the tavern owner had their heads close together in conversation. I was afraid it was something about the mishap, but it looked more like a friendly chat. Aahz was grinning widely. Out of his pocket, he whipped a contract, pointing to various clauses. While I had been listening to dating advice, he had managed to convince a Deveel to buy a stone, sight unseen.

But, no. Lucanzi took down some information on a napkin and stuffed it into the pocket of his apron. Aahz caught my eye and gave me a thumb's up. Another prospect. No question about it: Aahz was good at selling. He was motivated. Before I knew it, he would have sold all million slabs, ensuring his name at the top of Phase Two. I was impressed.

"Psst! Hey, Boss!"