Savages

147

O makes the rounds of the talk shows.

O-prah, of course.

OPRAH

. . . a story of courage, of … inspiring … dignity. Please welcome O.

The audience applauds. A few stand. O, demure in a gray dress, walks out, shyly acknowledges the applause, and sits down.

OPRAH

What a truly amazing experience. What did you learn? What did you take away?

O

Well, Oprah, you know, when you’re alone that long you have no choice but to confront yourself. I think you gain a self-knowledge. You really learn about yourself.

Oprah looks to the women in the audience and smiles. “Isn’t this girl amazing?” She turns back to O.

OPRAH

(softly)

What did you learn?

O

How strong I really am. How strong a woman …

an inner strength that I hadn’t fully realized …

Applause.

OPRAH

Next, a truly awe-inspiring example of courage under pressure—O’s mother, Paqu.

O moves on to Ellen.

ELLEN

Give it up for MTV’s O!

O, in a jaunty sleeveless T-shirt that displays her tattoos, breaks out a few dance moves and then plops down in the guest chair.

ELLEN

You’ve had quite a time of it, haven’t you?

O

Oh yeah. But first—you get to do Portia de Rossi? I’d trade jerseys for that.

The audience cracks up.

She dances with Ellen, then

On to Dr. Phil.

DR. PHIL

… the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, and I’m a big believer that you teach people how to treat you. You have to consent to be a hostage, and if you don’t own your part in this then you have no power to fix it. I’ve been doing kidnap and hostage cases for thirty-five years, I didn’t just fall off the turnip truck. For every rat you see there are fifty you don’t.

O

You’re a fucking asshole.

DR. PHIL

I’m prepared to offer you first-class help if you’ll take it. But I’m not playing games here, we’re going to drill down and get to the bottom of this, I’m just an old country boy—

O

And an asshole.

Oh, girl, she tells herself—you have to get it together.