The Drowned Boy

22

“Carmen’s not easy,” Nicolai said. “She’s so stubborn and willful and obstinate. She decides everything and she does it with such energy. Maybe it’s just that I’m weak; I don’t dare assert myself. I just do everything she says, and it’s been like that for years. It’s like she’s an expert in every field, and I just don’t make the mark.”

“She has epilepsy,” Sejer said. “How do you feel about that?”

“I feel sorry for her, because it’s not particularly nice,” he said. “It’s horrible and it leaves her confused. To be honest, that’s true for me too. Normally she wants to keep quiet about it, as if it’s something to be ashamed of. But that’s not true. She’s always had it, but she doesn’t have fits that often. She takes Rivotril. I’d guess she has a seizure about once a month. But they’re pretty major, the fits. She’s out cold for quite a while, and it’s pretty dramatic to see it as well. The cramps are powerful and last for a long time. I haven’t told Carmen, but I’ve never gotten used to it. It really freaks me out. She’s so confused and outside herself afterward. Whereas I’m worn out with fright and worry.”

“What do you mean by outside herself?” Sejer asked. “Do you mean that she behaves irrationally?”

“Yes, totally, she just wanders all over the place. I have to shepherd her like a sheep dog until it’s passed. And you know, it’s quite some time. It’s like a blackout.”

“So after a fit she can be a bit muddled? As she explained to me when she was interviewed?”

“Yes, that’s right; she gets muddled. It’s like she has to start all over again. She doesn’t know what day it is, that sort of thing. She does stupid things that she forgets about afterward. It’s quite frightening really.”

“Do you have any thoughts about her new statement?”

“Of course I do. When I heard, I couldn’t believe it. I mean, really. She could have called for me; I wasn’t far away. But I guess she panicked, and I’m trying very hard to understand.”

“Let me ask you something about her epilepsy,” Sejer said gravely. “Can she tell beforehand if she’s about to have a fit?”

“Yes, she can. Not always, but mostly, yes.”

“And what does she do then?”

“She lies down flat on the sofa or the floor. That is, she does what she can before it starts and she’s pretty careful. I feel really ashamed, but I don’t care as much about Carmen anymore as I should,” he added, with a new frankness.

Sejer gave him a paternal look. “I see,” he said. “And how much do you think you should care about her? Life is not easy and you’re not duty-bound to love anyone this much or that much. So be kind to yourself.”

“What about you?” Nicolai inquired. “Do you love your wife as much as you did before?”

“My wife?” he said. “What can I say? She died many years ago. She was only forty, so I live alone now. Well, with Frank, that is, the dog you met the last time. I don’t have a bad word to say about Frank, but it’s not the same as having a partner.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

Sejer’s smile was melancholy. “No, how could you know? But perhaps it’s true to say I never had the time to get bored. My feelings are just as strong now; I guess they will never fade. Though sometimes I wish they would. So I could move on. I might have found myself a new wife. But whenever I meet someone new, I get cold feet and it feels like being unfaithful. We got married in church, as if that explains anything. So there you go. Now we’ve both confessed,” he said, smiling. “Tell me how Tommy came between you.”

“Well, we didn’t really agree on how to bring him up. Carmen said I spoiled him; she was much stricter than I was. She wouldn’t pick him up when he was lying in bed crying, that sort of thing. And I’ve asked myself what it would have been like had he been normal. You know, if everything would have been better then. But Tommy was the best and I was really proud of him. I had a son and I was going to teach him to repair bikes. And to play football, for that matter. If he was physically fit enough to run after a ball, that is. But Carmen was disappointed. She never said it straight out, but I saw it in so many little ways, that she resented it.”

“Give me an example,” Sejer said.

“Well,” Nicolai started, “one time she was at work in the café. She’d taken a couple of extra shifts because of illness. And I turned up unannounced with Tommy in the carriage. I just dropped in to say hello, because I thought she’d be happy to see us. But I was wrong. I walked all the way from Granfoss, and it was a lovely walk. But she wasn’t happy to see us at all when we came through the door. The other two, Siri and Elisabeth, cooed around the carriage. She didn’t normally like showing him off to others but she made an effort and played all happy and proud. But I know Carmen; I could tell she was just pretending.”

He fell silent and looked at Sejer with troubled eyes.

“And that’s how she is all the time,” he concluded. “She’s just pretending.”