The Drowned Boy

36

Dear diary,

Today is the worst day ever. And I am writing to you in sorrow and desperation. Because Nicolai has hanged himself in the cellar, and the shock triggered a major epileptic seizure. It’s not strange at all that I finally collapsed. Dad has been sitting by my bed and I’ve been lying here ever since. The sustained cramps have left me exhausted. When I woke up and came to, I’d forgotten everything. Dad had to tell me the whole tragic story all over again. That Nicolai had gotten up on a chair and then thrown himself off. Is that cowardly or courageous? I don’t know. All I know is that now I am bitterly sad and disappointed that he left me. And angry. And one thing holds true and that is that I’m strong and resilient. No one will ever send me over the edge.

So I finally came around. And the fly that had been buzzing by the light had disappeared. Maybe it had found a crack in the wood somewhere in the bedroom where it could die a quiet death. It’s autumn, after all. It’s so strange that I remembered that detail but had actually forgotten that Nicolai was dead.

I know that I foam at the mouth when I have a fit. And sometimes I wet myself, which is just hideous. Of all the things that come with my condition, that embarrasses me the most. But Dad is tactful. Because obviously I’m proud and I worry about my appearance. But I’ve lived with this for so long that I guess I don’t care anymore. Right now, though, it’s too much, I’ve had enough.

Still, I’m lying here and I’m alive. Now I can start all over again. Everything is open in the years ahead, and I want to see this as a new chapter. After all, like the Chinese say, a crisis is a new opportunity, isn’t it? And outside the window the moon is still shining white. It’s hard to imagine that they’ve been up there with a rocket. I’ve tried to understand it, and I can to a point. At least you can see the moon. You just need to head straight for it, that shining white disc in the dark sky. But when it comes to Mars, I’m lost. Because you can’t see Mars, it’s so far away. How did they manage to get there? They just fired the engine. It makes me realize that people have endless potential. So I must be able to succeed in a few things. A new man, a new baby, a new life. And Dad will keep me going. Mom has made me some hot milk and honey. As if that would ease the pain. But I do what they say. I drink the hot milk and cry on Dad’s shoulder. Nicolai is dead. And no matter what they say, I have to see him with my own eyes to believe it.