The Drowned Boy

29

Dear diary, I’ve got a lot on my mind.

We’re far away now. Nicolai and I have left Granfoss behind, and we’re in the sun and it’s really warm. Nicolai keeps complaining. And the Majorcans? They whistle at me on the street wherever we go. It must be the blond hair. Because everyone is so dark here, I really stand out. There are still lots of tourists, even though it’s the end of the season — loads of lobster-pink Englishmen and fat Danes. I keep trying to cheer up Nicolai, because he seems so down. He can’t seem to settle, just sulks and wallows. I think it’s a shame, because we could be having such a good time. But he just doesn’t want to. I think about Tommy a lot, too, but I don’t dwell on it. We have to move on. I insist on having another baby, a clever, bright little thing. I insist on living.

Every now and then I’m thrown by the fact that Tommy is gone forever. I can’t understand it, no matter how hard I try. I mean, never to return. He’s gone for the rest of human existence and won’t come back in any shape or form. At least, I don’t believe he will, but you never know. And one day I’ll die too and be gone forever, and Nicolai will die. Everyone will disappear. It exhausts me to think about things like that too much. Sometimes I wonder about Nicolai, if he’s maybe a bit too obsessed with death, because he’s so sad. And sometimes I ask myself if I really love him. I have asked myself quite a lot in the past few days. And I don’t think I do. This is not a good thing, because we’re married. But then I’m not so sure he loves me. It’s more like mutual sympathy. Even though we argue quite a lot, there is sympathy there. Or we’re just together out of habit. But now that Tommy’s gone, anything can happen. Maybe we’ll fall apart. Maybe in the end we’ll go our separate ways. It’s not like I’m scared of the idea of divorce. If it happens, I’ll get over it pretty quickly, because that’s just the way I am. And in any case, there aren’t many married couples who carry on loving each other year after year. I’ve seen that here on the streets of Alcúdia. Seen all the couples that are not together. They’re in different worlds, and what their hearts are hiding must never come to light. The bitter secrets of some are revealed in their drawn mouths. With others it’s the longing in their eyes, the dream of something else, something better. Everyone has that dream. No matter what we’ve got, everything could always be better. There are some who walk close together and look happy, like we were once happy. But lots of people sit together in silence and say nothing as they eat. It’s quite depressing to admit that nothing is forever.

But I don’t want to think about sad things. We’ve come here to forget, even though Nicolai sees it as letting Tommy down. He thinks our tragedy should fill our hearts every waking moment, but then we would be swallowed up and I won’t let that happen. I’ve got a life to live and enjoy to the fullest. He’s calling from the balcony now, so I have to stop. Goodbye for now, dear diary, it’s so good to have you. I can think clearly on paper, which is such a relief. Nicolai’s life is in chaos, I can tell. He wouldn’t manage without me. I’m holding him up. He criticizes me for being happy, but he doesn’t understand that one of us has to carry the load. Of course I think a lot about Tommy, but not all the time. He’s out of my mind for long chunks, and then I feel peaceful and can see that life is worth living after all. Then I see Nicolai’s bitter face and the grief hits me again like a punch in the stomach. But I’m strong and I can keep things together, keep Nicolai together.