The Drowned Boy

27

Twenty-first of September. Morning at Oslo Airport.

“So,” Nicolai said as he picked at a slice of pizza, “I called the airport to ask what kind of plane we were flying on. Because it’s interesting to know. There’s a big difference between the different types of airplanes. And we’re going to be on a huge Airbus.”

“What are you worrying about now?” Carmen sighed. “You’re not scared of flying, are you?”

“No, but I’ve been looking on the Internet. You want to know what I’ve found?”

“Not really,” she said with a smile. “Ignorance is bliss; that’s what Dad always says.”

“The plane weighs forty-eight tons,” Nicolai told her. “And it flies at a speed of five hundred and twenty-eight miles an hour. And when we get up to forty thousand feet, the temperature outside is minus sixty, and there are twenty-five tons of fuel in the tank. And if a flock of geese flies into the turbines, we’re doomed. There have been eighteen major accidents involving this type of plane in which seven hundred and ninety people have died.”

He looked at her and rolled his eyes, mostly to be funny. I’m glad he can still joke, Carmen thought, and laughed.

“Did you hear what I said? Seven hundred and ninety poor people. Imagine,” he said with a smile. “We might not survive. All that will be left of me is the filling in my bottom left jaw and a twisted skeleton. That’s how they identify people. I mean, when there’s nothing left apart from burned remains.”

Carmen let out a peal of laughter, the one he had always loved and made him happy. She liked Nicolai’s sense of humor and wanted to encourage him. “Jesus, Nicolai, you’re not for real!”

They were sitting at a pizza bar waiting for their flight. Nicolai had not touched his food. A thought had just struck him and a deep, worried furrow appeared on his brow.

“I’m going to ask you something,” he said earnestly. “And I want you to tell me the truth. Be absolutely honest, because I need to know for sure.”

She looked at him and pouted, as she did when she was exasperated and impatient. “But I always give you an honest answer whenever you ask me anything,” she said, slightly offended. She wiped her mouth with a napkin and looked at him askance.

“If they had done a test before” — he said in a very serious tone — “and told you that Tommy had Down syndrome, what would you have done? Would you have had an abortion?”

Carmen pushed the food away and thought for a few seconds. He didn’t see any doubt and her voice was firm when she finally replied.

“Yes,” she said, looking at him without shame. “Yes, I would have had an abortion. Which isn’t that surprising. I’m more surprised that you asked. It’s obvious, isn’t it? No parent wants a child like that.”

Nicolai crushed the napkin in his sweaty hand. “Yes, Carmen, they do,” he said quietly. “I wanted Tommy. Just as he was.”

“Yes, but Nicolai, now you have to be honest!” she persisted. “Would you really have wanted me to have him if we knew? With all the work and worry. For the rest of your life. A child that would never grow up. To have a young child in the house every day for the rest of your life? Would you really have wanted me to go through with it? I know they said at the hospital that people with Down syndrome had taken exams and passed their driving tests. But that’s only a few. They’re slow, Nicolai; they don’t understand much at all!”

He balled his hands under the table, feeling his nails digging into his skin. More than anything he wanted to lash out. And he realized that if this conversation had taken place in the house at Granfoss, he would actually have hit her. He would have let rip because there was no one watching there. A desperate punch to the face, no going back. But the crowds of people drifting past the pizza bar made him stop. No, he thought the next second. I’m not someone who does that. I wouldn’t sink that far; I have to get my act together.

“Now it’s your turn to be honest,” Carmen said sharply. “If we knew the truth before, should we have had Tommy?”

“Yes,” Nicolai said. His voice was equally firm and without doubt. “We couldn’t choose not to have a child just because he’s not perfect. We’re smarter than that, both of us. I mean, you’re intelligent and so am I. And he must have inherited something from us. I mean, it’s in the genes, even if he did have Down syndrome. Tommy would have managed, I’m positive. He would have passed his exams, and he would have gotten his driver’s license. Because I would have made sure that he did all that. If only he’d lived. Do you hear what I’m saying?”

“But we’ll never know,” she said in a subdued voice and then stood up. She put her handbag over her shoulder and made to leave.

“Come on, let’s go to the gate, and don’t forget the whiskey and perfume. Boarding starts in five minutes. And please stop talking like that; it’s too late anyway. We don’t have the choice anymore.”