The Happiness Equation: Want Nothing + Do Anything = Have Everything

When I was a kid I always loved albums with a secret track.

You know, you played all the way through, you kept the disc spinning, and then five minutes later a song started playing over your speakers. What was this song? What were the lyrics? Why wasn’t it in the liner notes?

But there was nothing.

No title. No lyrics. Just music.

To me the secret song always sounded like a reflection of the album but different from the album. Over time, more and more artists started including secret songs at the end of their album. The Beatles. Nirvana. Coldplay.

But I have never read a book with a secret chapter.

This chapter isn’t on the Contents page. It’s not in the index. It has no page numbers. This chapter is completely off the grid.

And it contains a special secret that’s not just about you. It’s about your relationship with your partner. That’s why I wanted it separate. The rest of the book is just you.

This one?

It’s a little different.

The law of being happy together

I have a positive attitude about 80% of the time. Good mood. Happy times. Life feels great. You don’t want to see me the other 20%! Sullen, moody, negative. I wish I were positive 100% of the time. But I have never seen anyone there. I’m not saying it’s not possible! Just hard. Remember the single biggest reason it’s so hard to be happy? And the Culture of More versus the Culture of Enough?

I’m happy I’m happy most of the time. I put a lot into The Big 7 to lift myself into greater positivity.

What about Leslie? She’s positive about 80% of the time, too. Enthusiastic and uplifting and happy. Her smile lights up the room. Like me, she’s not perfect, and she has off days, too. We all do. But she’s one of the happiest people I’ve met. I love being around her.

What do those two percentages help us with?

It helps us do math!

Yes, I put the exclamation mark there to get you excited about math. I hope it worked. Truth is, the whole world is math. It’s the basis of your furniture and car and the way the birds fly and the way the beer pours and the way the stars shine. You don’t have to be good at math to love it.

The other good news is you don’t need a calculator for this math because there’s a table coming and I did all the calculator-punching for you.

So, why are our happy percentages so important?

If I’m happy 80% of the time and Leslie’s happy 80% of the time, how often are we in good moods together? 64%. How did we get 64%? Because 80% times 80% is 64%. That’s when our good moods overlap. A full two-thirds of the time! We’re both smiling and loving and happy and life is funny and moments are precious and everything is in its right place. These are the great days. The great moments. The best side of life.

How often are we in bad moods together? The answer is 4% of the time. Because 20% times 20% is 4%. Those aren’t beautiful scenes! I feel bad about them. It’s hard giving each other a mood or energy lift if we’re both feeling off. Luckily, it doesn’t happen too often. Just 4% of the time.

What does this mean?

It means the other 32% of our time one of us is happy and one of us is not. A full third of our time together! A full third of our time together, one person’s mood influences the other’s. The positive person pulls the negative person up or the negative person pulls the positive person down. Most partners find this number is quite high. You can do the math on yourself to find out yours. Why is this number important?

Because you need to ask yourself an important question right now.

And you need to be honest.

What percent of the time are you happy and what percent of the time is your partner happy?

If you’re not in a relationship right now, think about this question with your boss, roommate, or sibling. Whoever you see more than anyone. Whoever has the most opportunity to influence your mood.

You can use this scribble to help:

Take your happy percentage, take your partner’s happy percentage, and look at the number in the box where they meet. This is how often you’re happy at the same time. Remember or write down this number!

Now, how often are you unhappy at the same time? These are the toughest times, the challenging days, where fights, stress, or friction happen. You can actually just use the scribble from the previous page again. Take your percentage, take their percentage, and look at the number in the box where they meet. This is how often you’re both unhappy. Again, write down or remember this number!

Now, once you know how often you’re both happy, and how often you’re both unhappy, what’s left? Well, what’s left is how often one of you is happy and one of you isn’t. This is how often you influence each other’s happiness. You are either pulling your partner up or dragging them down or they’re pulling you up or dragging you down. You can find this percentage using each of your happy percentages. How? That’s the second scribble below:

This is the percentage remaining!

For Leslie and me, we’re both happy 64% of the time, and both unhappy 4% of the time, so 32% is up for grabs.

Find your own percentage. What do you notice?

The person we’re with affects our happiness tremendously. If I’m happy 80% of the time and my partner is happy only 50% of the time, then suddenly 50% of our time is up for grabs. Half of how we feel! We’re pulling and dragging each other into good and bad moods. Half the time! And I walked into this feeling great 80% of the time. What an energy drag.

Remember The Five People Test.

You are the average of the five people around you.

But you are an even bigger average of the one person around you most.

You are tremendously influenced (or you spend a lot of energy influencing) the specific mood and energy of your partner.

What’s the learning?

It is really important to find a partner who is at your level of happiness. Or higher. The good news is that you can Be Happy First (Secret #1). But it could be exhausting cheering somebody up all the time. So think whether your partner is adding to your happiness or draining it.