Watching the English

CAR RULES

Before we can even start to look at English unwritten social rules about cars and driving, there are a few 'universals' about cars that need clarifying. Across all cultures, humans have a strange and complex relationship with the car. The first thing we need to be clear about in this context is that the car is not primarily a means of transport - or rather, if that sounds a bit too extreme, that our relationship with the car has very little to do with the fact that it gets us from a to b. Trains and buses get us from a to b: cars are part of our personal territory, and part of our personal and social identity. A bus can take you to the shops and back, but you do not feel at home in it or possessive about it. A train can get you to work, but it does not make socially and psychologically significant statements about you.

These are cross-cultural universals - basic, rather obvious facts about humans and cars. But we can now move straight back into discussions of Englishness, because the English, of all nations, are the most likely to resist or even vehemently deny at least one of these basic facts.

The Status-indifference Rule

Specifically, the English like to believe, and will often doggedly insist, that social-status considerations play no part in their choice of car. Even at the height of the BMW's yuppie-image heyday, for example, upwardly-mobile English executives claimed that they bought their BMWs for their excellent German engineering and design, comfort, reliability, speed, handling, BHP, torque, low drag-coefficients and other rational, no-nonsense qualities. Nothing to do with social image. Nothing to do with status. Nothing to do with vanity. Nothing to do with impressing colleagues or neighbours or girlfriends. Oh no. It's just a bloody good car.

English women, and some English men, will admit to aesthetic and even emotional reasons for choosing a particular car. Men will say that their flashy Porsche or big Mercedes is 'a beautiful car', women will tell you that they want the trendy new VW Beetle because it is 'so cute'; both will even confess that they 'fell in love with' a 'gorgeous' car in the showroom, or that they have always had 'a passion' for MGs or Minis, or that they are 'sentimentally attached' to their rusty old banger.

We might even go so far as to acknowledge that we choose cars that we feel express our individual 'personality' or some aspect of our self-image (cool, sophisticated, stylish, fun, quirky, eccentric, sporty, sassy, sexy, honest, understated, down-to-earth, manly, professional, serious, etc.). But not our social status. We will not admit to buying or wanting a particular make of car because it is associated with a social class or category to which we wish to be seen to belong.

Class Rules

The 'Mondeo Test'

But the truth is that car choice, like almost everything else in England, is mostly about class. If you are conducting research - or just have a mischievous nature - you can trick English people into admitting, albeit indirectly, the real social-class reasons for their car choice. You do this not by talking about the make of car they actually own or would like to own, but by asking about the brands they do not like and would not buy. Mention the Ford Mondeo36 to a member of the middle-middle or upper-middle classes and they will automatically make some sort of sneering jokey comment about 'Essex Man' or insurance salesmen - in other words, the sort of lumpen lower-middle-class person associated with this particular make of car. 'Mondeo Man' is the current generic euphemism for this social category.

Some upper-middles may be too polite, or too squeamish about appearing snobbish, to sneer out loud, so you have to watch their faces carefully for the characteristic brief wince or little moue of distaste that will be triggered by the word 'Mondeo'. Among the higher or more secure reaches of upper-middle, the reaction is more likely to be mild, benign, somewhat condescending amusement37, and the genuinely upper class may simply have no idea what you are talking about. I found that the Mondeo-test is a pretty good indicator of class-anxiety: the more scathing and contemptuous someone is about Mondeos, the more insecure they are about their own position in the social hierarchy.

This is not a question of price. The cars driven by Mondeo-despising upper-middles may well be considerably cheaper than the reviled Mondeo, and the almost equally ridiculed Vauxhalls and other British-made 'fleet'38 cars. But however inexpensive and lacking in comfort or luxury features, the Mondeo-despiser's car will be a foreign, preferably Continental make (Japanese cars are not favoured, although marginally more acceptable than Fords and Vauxhalls). The only exceptions to this anti-British rule are Minis and big, four-wheel-drive 'country' vehicles such as Land Rovers and Range Rovers. Those who regard themselves as being a class or two above Mondeo Man may well drive a small, cheap, second-hand Peugeot, Renault, VW or Fiat hatchback - but they will still feel smugly superior as Mondeo Man glides past them in his bigger, faster, more comfortable car.

The 'Mercedes-Test'

Upper-middles who pass the Mondeo-test - those who are merely mildly amused by your suggestion that they might drive a Mondeo - may still reveal hidden class anxieties over the Mercedes. When you've had your complacent little chuckle about Mondeos, try saying 'Now, let me guess... I'd say you probably drive a big Mercedes.'

If your subject looks hurt or annoyed, and responds either tetchily, with a forced laugh, or with a scornful comment about 'rich trash' or 'wealthy businessmen', you have hit the adjacent-class insecurity button. Your subject has made it into the upper-middle 'intelligentsia', 'professional' or 'country' set, and is anxious to distinguish himself from the despised middle-middle 'business' class, with which he almost certainly has some family connections. You will find that his father (or even grandfather - these prejudices are passed down the generations) was a petit-bourgeois middle-class businessman of some sort - perhaps a successful shopkeeper or sales manager or even a well-off car dealer - who sent his children to smart public schools where they learnt to look down on petit-bourgeois middle-class businessmen.

Many English people will tell you that there is no longer any Jane-Austenish stigma attached to being 'in trade'. They are mistaken. And it is not just the tiny minority of aristocrats and landed gentry who turn up their noses at the commercial world. Upper-middle class people in 'respectable' professions, such as barristers, doctors, civil servants and senior army officers, can often be equally snooty - and the upper-middle chattering classes (with their 'nice-work' careers in the media, the arts, academia, publishing, charities, think-tanks and so on) are the most disparaging of all. Very few of these people will drive a Mercedes, and most will regard the Mercedes-driving classes with at least some degree of disfavour, but only the insecure will get all huffy and heated and scornful at the thought of being associated with such a vulgar, business-class vehicle.

Again, the price of the car is not really the issue here. Mercedes-despisers may drive either equally expensive, more expensive or much cheaper cars than the Mercedes they find so abhorrent. Nor is wealth per se the problem. Upper-middle Mercedes-despisers come in all income brackets: they may make as much money as the 'vulgar rich businessman' driving the 'Merc' (as he would call it), or even more, or much less. The class issue concerns the means by which one acquires one's wealth, and how one chooses to display it. A Mercedes-despising barrister or publisher might well drive a top-of-the-range Audi, which costs about the same as a big Mercedes, but is regarded as more elegantly understated.

At the moment, BMWs are tainted, to some extent, with the same business-class image as the Mercedes, although generally associated with a younger, City-dealer, 'yuppie' stereotype. Jaguars have also suffered a bit from a vulgar 'trade' connection, being associated with wealthy used-car dealers, slum-landlords, bookmakers and shady-underworld characters. But Jaguars are also the official cars of government ministers, which to some lends them an air of respectability - although others feel that this only confirms their inherent sleaziness. In both cases, however, these associations may be fading, and I did not find either of these cars reliable as a class-anxiety indicator. Should you wish to replicate my highly scientific class-anxiety experiments - or if you just fancy tormenting some socially insecure upper-middles - use the Mercedes test.

Car-care and Decoration Rules

But class distinctions, and class anxieties, don't stop with the make of car you choose to drive. The English will also gauge your social rank by the appearance and condition of your car - the way in which you care for it, or do not care for it.

The unwritten class rules involved in car care are even more revealing than those governing our choice of car, because we are less consciously aware of following them. The English all know, although we won't admit it, that our car choice is a class indicator; and we all know, although we pretend not to, exactly which cars are associated with which classes. But many people are unaware that the state and condition of their car may be broadcasting even more powerful class signals than its make.

How clean and shiny - or dirty and scruffy - is your car? As a crude rule of thumb: spotless, shiny cars are the hallmark of the middle-middle, lower-middle and upper-working classes; while dirty, neglected cars are characteristic of the uppers, upper-middles and lower-workings (or in many cases 'not-workings' - the deprived, unemployed, underclasses). In other words, dirty cars are associated with both the highest and very lowest ends of the social scale, clean cars with the middle ranks.

But it's not quite as simple as that. More specific class distinctions depend not only on the cleanliness of your car, but also on precisely how it got that way. Do you wash and polish the car yourself, lovingly and religiously every weekend, in the driveway or street outside your house? Then you are almost certainly lower-middle or upper-working. Do you take it frequently to a car-wash? Then you are probably either middle-middle or lower-middle with middle-middle aspirations (if you are upper-middle, your car-care habits betray middle-middle origins). Do you simply rely on the English weather to sluice off the worst of the grime for you, only resorting to a car-wash or bucket when you can no longer see out of the windows, or when people start finger-writing graffiti in the dirt on the boot? Then you are either upper class39, upper-middle or lower-working/underclass.

This last rule might seem to suggest that one cannot distinguish between an upper-class car and an under-class one. In terms of degree of neglect, it is indeed impossible to tell the difference, but this is where one has to take the make of car into consideration as well. At the higher end of the social scale, the filthy car is likely to be a Continental make (or, if British, either a 'country' four-wheel drive, a Mini or something grand such as an old Jaguar, Bentley or Daimler); while at the lower end, the grubby vehicle is more likely to be British, American or Japanese.

More or less the same principle applies to the state of the interior of the car. A scrupulously tidy car indicates an upper-working to middle-middle owner, while a lot of rubbish, apple cores, biscuit crumbs, crumpled bits of paper and general disorder suggests an owner from either the top or the bottom of the social hierarchy. And there are still smaller clues and finer distinctions. If you not only have a tidy car, but also hang your suit-jacket carefully on the little hook thoughtfully provided for this purpose by the car manufacturers, you are lower-middle or possibly at the lower end of middle-middle class. (All other classes simply sling their jacket on the back seat.) If you hang your jacket on a coat-hanger attached to the little hook, you are definitely lower-middle. If you also hang a neatly-ironed shirt on a coat-hanger from the little hook, to change into before arriving at your 'important meeting', you are lower-middle of working-class origins, and anxious to proclaim your white-collar status.

There are minor variations to the interior car-care class rules, relating mainly to sex-differences. Women of all classes generally tend to have somewhat less tidy cars than men - they are rather more prone to scattering sweet-wrappers and tissues, and leaving stray gloves, scarves, maps, notes and other paraphernalia strewn over the seats. Men are usually a bit more 'car-proud', a bit more anal about keeping such things in the glove-compartment or side-pockets, rather less tolerant of clutter and muddle. Having said that, the upper and upper-middle classes of both sexes have a high tolerance of dog-related dirt and disorder (an immunity they share, again, with the lower-working/under class). The interiors of their cars are often covered in dog hair, and the upholstery scratched to bits by scrabbling paws. The middle-middles and lower-middles confine their dogs to a caged-off section behind the back seats.

The lower-middles might even hang a flat, tree-shaped, scented dangly-thing from their rear-view mirror to counteract any doggy smells, or indeed any smells. Their houses also tend to be full of air-fresheners, loo-fresheners, carpet-fresheners and other deodorizers - as are those of the middle-middle class, but the middle-middles know that hanging scented tree-things or any other dangly objects from your rearview mirror is lower class. In fact, you will not see any decorative objects anywhere in cars belonging to the middle-middle and higher social ranks. Nodding dogs on the back shelf, Garfields clinging to windows and other cutesy animal motifs are lower-middle and working-class indicators, as are bumper-stickers and windscreen-stickers informing you of the car's occupants' taste in holiday destinations and leisure activities. There are only two exceptions to the no-sticker rule, and these are virtuous animal-charity stickers and smugly safety-conscious 'Baby on Board' notices, which you will see on the rear windscreens of both lower-middle and middle-middle cars - although the middle-middle notices are less likely to sport the logo of a nappy-manufacturer. (A few borderline upper-middles may also display 'Baby on Board' signs, but they are sneered at by the majority of upper-middles, particularly the intelligentsia.)

The Mobile Castle Rule

I mentioned at the beginning of this section that the 'personal-territory' factor is an important element of our relationship with the car. When Ford described their 1949 model as 'a living-room on wheels', they were cleverly appealing to a deep-seated human need for a sense of territory and security. This aspect of car-psychology is a cross-cultural universal, but it is of particular significance to the English because of our obsession with our homes, which is in turn related to our pathological preoccupation with privacy.

An Englishman's home is his castle, and when an Englishman takes to the road in his car, a part of his castle goes with him. We have seen that on public transport, the English go to great lengths to maintain an illusion of privacy: we try to pretend that the strangers surrounding us simply do not exist, and assiduously avoid any contact or interaction with them. In our mobile castles, this self-delusion becomes much easier: rather than an invisible 'bubble' of stand-offishness, we are enclosed in a real, solid shield of metal and glass. We can pretend not only that we are alone, but also that we are at home.

The Ostrich Rule

This illusion of privacy results in some rather strange and decidedly un-English behaviour. Like ostriches with their heads in the sand, English people in their cars seem to believe that they are invisible. You will see drivers picking their noses, scratching themselves in intimate places, singing and 'bopping' along to music on their radios, having screaming rows with their partners, kissing and fondling - things that we would normally only do in the privacy of our own homes, all performed in full view of dozens of other drivers and pedestrians, who may often be only a few feet away.

The sense of home-like security and invulnerability provided by our mobile castles also encourages some more offensive forms of disinhibition. Even normally fairly polite English people find themselves making rude gestures and mouthing insults and threats at other road users from the safety of their cars - in many cases saying things we would never dare to say outside this protective shield.

Road-rage and the 'Nostalgia Isn't What It Used To Be' Rule

Despite these lapses, most foreign visitors acknowledge that the English are, generally speaking, remarkably courteous drivers. In fact, many visitors are surprised, and often rather amused, to read the now regular diatribes in British newspapers about how we are suffering from an 'epidemic' of 'road rage'. 'Have these people never been abroad?' asked one incredulous, well-travelled tourist. 'Don't they realize how polite and well-behaved English drivers are, compared to just about anywhere else in the world?' 'You call this "road rage"? said another. 'You want to see road rage, go to America, go to France, go to Greece - hell, go anywhere but England! What you people call "road rage" is just normal driving.'

'This is so typically English,' an anglophile but perceptive immigrant friend told me. 'You have a few incidents where a couple of drivers lose their temper and start hitting each other, and immediately it is a big national issue, it is a new dangerous disease sweeping the country, it is not safe to go out, the roads are full of violent maniacs... It makes me laugh. The English are the most fair and courteous drivers in the world, but you are always so determined to believe that the country is going to rack and ruin.'

He has a point. The English do suffer from a sort of 'nostalgia isn't what it used to be' syndrome. The belief that the country is going to the dogs, that things are not what they were, that some cherished bastion or emblem of Englishness (such as the pub, queuing, sportsmanship, the monarchy, courtesy) is dead or dying, seems to be endemic.

The truth about 'road rage' is that humans are aggressively territorial animals, and the car, as a 'home on wheels', is a special kind of territory, so our defensive reactions are aroused when we perceive that this territory is being threatened. So-called 'road rage' is therefore, not surprisingly, a universal phenomenon, and for all the sensationalist headlines, English manifestations of this universal human trait tend to be rather less common, and rather less violent, than in most other countries.

I am always somewhat wary of making such positive statements about the English, and tend to overload them with endless hesitant qualifiers, as I know from experience that praising the English - whether in published work or in ordinary conversation - invariably provokes much more argument and controversy than criticising them. When I make critical or even damning remarks about some aspect of English culture or behaviour, everyone nods gloomily in agreement, sometimes even providing supporting examples from their own experience. But praise, however mild and anxiously qualified, is always challenged: I am accused of wearing rose-tinted spectacles, and bombarded with counterexamples - everyone has some anecdote or statistic that contradicts my observations and proves that the English are really quite an awful and unpleasant lot.40

This is partly because social scientists are supposed to study problems (deviance, dysfunction, disorder, delinquency and other bad things beginning with 'd'), and I am breaking the unwritten rules of my own profession by insisting on studying nice things instead. But that does not explain why it is only the determinedly unpatriotic English who object to my more positive findings about them. When I am interviewed by foreign journalists, or just chatting to tourists, visitors and immigrants, they are always quite happy to acknowledge that the English have some pleasant and even admirable qualities. The English themselves just cannot seem to accept this - at the merest hint of a compliment, they become sceptical, stroppy and argumentative. Well, I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I cannot alter my findings just to appease all these Eeyorish grouches and doom-mongers, so they will just have to swallow the odd bit of well-deserved praise.

Courtesy Rules

I will now stick my neck out and say that, apart from occasional territorial lapses, English drivers are quite rightly renowned for their orderly, sensible, courteous conduct. My foreign informants noticed well-mannered customs and practices that most of us take for granted: that you never have to wait too long before someone lets you out of a side-road or driveway, and that you are always thanked when you let someone else out; that almost all drivers keep a respectful distance from the car in front of them and do not 'tailgate' or lean on their horns when they wish to overtake; that on single-track roads, or streets lined with cars on both sides making them effectively single-track, people are remarkably considerate about pulling in to let each other pass, and almost always raise a hand in thanks; that all drivers stop for pedestrians at zebra crossings, even when the pedestrians are still standing waiting on the pavement and have not set foot on the crossing. (I met one tourist who found this so astonishing that he kept repeating the experiment, marvelling at the fact that he could single-handedly bring streams of traffic to a deferential halt, without the aid of red lights or stop-signs); that horn-honking is regarded as rude, and only used in emergencies or special circumstances, as a warning, not as an all-purpose means of communication or emotional outlet, as it is elsewhere in Europe and most other parts of the world. Even if you fail to notice that the traffic lights have changed to green, the English drivers behind you will often hesitate for a few moments, hoping you will move off of your own accord, before giving a small, almost apologetic 'beep' to draw your attention to the green light.

I am not saying that English drivers are paragons of automotive virtue, or somehow magically endowed with any more saintly forbearance than other nations, just that we have rules and customs that prescribe a certain degree of restraint. When frustrated or angry, English drivers are inclined to shout insults at each other just like anyone else, and the language used is no less colourful, but we mostly tend to do this from behind closed windows, rather than winding them down or getting out and 'making a scene'. If someone does lose their temper to the point of stand-up ranting and raving, or physically threatening behaviour, this is a noteworthy incident, deplored and tutted over in indignant tones for days, cited as evidence of a 'road-rage epidemic', a decline in moral standards, etc. - not, as it would be almost anywhere else, an annoying but relatively unremarkable event.

Fair-play Rules

English driving behaviour can be seen as an extension of our queuing behaviour, in that the same principles of fairness and good manners apply. As with queuing, people do 'cheat', but breaches of automotive fair-play rules provoke the same righteous indignation as pedestrian queue-jumping. Like pedestrian queuers, drivers are acutely aware of 'potential' cheats, and will, for example, inch forward in a pointed manner, with suspicious sideways glances, closing gaps to thwart another driver who appears to be considering an opportunistic manoeuvre, while carefully avoiding eye contact.

When the turn-off lane on a motorway or other main road is moving very slowly, some unscrupulous drivers will 'cheat' by zipping down the outside, faster-moving lanes and then trying to edge back into the turn-off lane at a later point. This is tantamount to queue-jumping, but the only punishment such sinners receive is much the same barrage of scowls, filthy looks and muttered insults that faces pedestrian queue-jumpers - perhaps with the addition of a few irate or obscene gestures, almost always performed from behind the safety of closed windows. The horn is rarely used in such cases, there being an unwritten rule to the effect that honking and beeping 'in anger' should be reserved for admonishing driving behaviour that is potentially dangerous, rather than just deeply immoral.

These tactics seem to be somewhat less effective at maintaining fair play among drivers than among pedestrians, because there is less potential for embarrassment. In the security of their mobile castles, with the ability to escape quickly from disapproving looks or angry gestures, the English are less vulnerable to these rather subtle deterrents and sanctions, and thus more inclined to break the fair-play rules. It is worth noting, however, that although queue-jumping and other opportunistic behaviours are more common among drivers than among pedestrians, only a small minority of drivers break the rules: the majority of English drivers, most of the time, 'play fair'.

ROAD RULES AND ENGLISHNESS

What do these rules tell us about Englishness? The denial rule provides yet another striking example of English social inhibition and embarrassment, and further evidence of our insularity and obsession with privacy. In the last chapter, I suggested that these two tendencies were related: that our excessive need for privacy is at least partly due to our social awkwardness, that 'home is what the English have instead of social skills'. A rather bold claim, perhaps, but none of the data in this road-rules chapter, which has been concerned with what happens when we venture outside the privacy and security of our homes, has caused me to revise this opinion. Both the denial rule and the mobile-castle rule confirm our inability to deal with the realities of social interaction: we can only cope by practising various forms of self-delusion, pretending either that other people do not exist, or that we are still at home.

The courtesy rules, both in the public-transport and driving contexts, also remind us of the importance of politeness in English culture, but I think we are now getting closer to a more precise understanding of the subtleties and nuances of English politeness. The identification of England as a predominantly 'negative-politeness' culture - concerned mainly with the avoidance of imposition and intrusion - seems to me quite helpful. The important point here is that politeness and courtesy, as practised by the English, have very little to do with friendliness or good nature.

A pattern seems to be emerging as we examine different aspects of English life and culture, a recurring theme that I think may be crucial to our understanding of the English character. What I am noticing is that there is rarely anything straightforward or direct or transparent about English social interaction. We seem to be congenitally incapable of being frank, clear or assertive. We are always oblique, always playing some complex, convoluted game. When we are not doing things backwards (saying the opposite of what we mean, not introducing ourselves till the end of an encounter, saying sorry when someone bumps into us and other Looking-Glass practices), we are doing them sideways (addressing our indignant mutterings about queue-jumpers to other queuers, and our complaints about delayed trains to other passengers, rather than actually tackling the offenders). Every social situation is fraught with ambiguity, knee-deep in complication, hidden meanings, veiled power-struggles, passive-aggression and paranoid confusion. We seem perversely determined to make everything as difficult as possible for ourselves. Why, as one American visitor plaintively asked me, can't the English just be 'a bit more direct, you know, a bit more upfront?' We would, as she pointed out, save ourselves and everybody else a great deal of trouble.

The problem is, I think, that when we are 'direct and upfront', we tend to overdo it, becoming noisy, aggressive, rude and generally insufferable. Whenever I talk to English people about my research on Englishness, and mention that we tend to be inhibited and have lots of rules about politeness, they say: 'But we're not inhibited and polite - look at our football hooligans and drunken louts all over the place - we're loud and obnoxious and a disgrace'. Leaving aside what this response reveals about our penchant for national self-denigration, I would argue that our inhibited politeness and our loud obnoxiousness are two sides of the same coin. Both tendencies reflect a fundamental and distinctively English form of social dis-ease, a chronic and seemingly incurable inability to engage normally and directly with other human beings. We have developed many ingenious ways of disguising and overcoming this unfortunate disability ('facilitators' such as The Weather, the pub and taxi-drivers' rear-view mirrors), but it can never be entirely eradicated.

Despite our idiopathic social handicaps, we do have some redeeming qualities. Many of the rules examined in this chapter, for example, highlight the immense importance of the concept of 'fairness' in English culture. This is not to say that other nations lack such a concept - what is distinctively English is our overwhelming national obsession with 'fair play'.

Most of the remaining rules in this chapter seem to be concerned with that other great English obsession: class. The car-care rules relating to dirt, tidiness and dogginess indicate a curious but apparently consistent pattern in which we find that the top and bottom ends of the social scale have more in common with each other than either has with the middle ranks. The common factor usually turns out to be some form of disregard for social niceties or a lack of concern about 'what the neighbours will think'. It occurs to me that this may be why the majority of the more notable and flamboyant English eccentrics have always come from either the highest or the lowest social classes. There seem to be very few examples of brazen, colourful eccentricity among the middle-middle or lower-middle classes.

Finally, the 'road-rage' issue sheds some new light on the question of English patriotism or, rather, our distinct lack of it. Can there be any other nation so resolutely unpatriotic, so prone to self-flagellation, so squeamishly reluctant to accept praise? This dearth of national amour-propre, this unshakeable conviction that our country has nothing much to recommend it and is in any case rapidly going to the dogs, must surely be one of the defining characteristics of the English. Although, having said that, I suspect that this trait is in fact a subcategory, a symptom or side effect of our modesty, moaning and humour rules (particularly the self-deprecation rule and the Importance of Not Being Earnest rule) rather than a defining characteristic in itself. Either way, I can confidently predict that despite all my critical comments on the English in this book, I will be taken to task when it comes out for being too positive, for painting too flattering a portrait, for ignoring or glossing over our darker side - and so on and so gloomily forth. If I sound a bit cynical and grumpy and pessimistic here, it's probably because I'm English.

32. This is not as improbable as it might sound: cows on the line are quite a frequent problem in this country, and most regular rail passengers will have heard a similar announcement at least once.

33. If you are female, lone males may instead assume that you are chatting them up. They are therefore more than willing to break the denial rule and talk to you, but it can then be difficult to extricate yourself from the conversation. Even the 'formal interview' approach can be misinterpreted, so I tended to avoid speaking to unaccompanied males unless I was a) surrounded by other passengers and b) getting out at the next stop.

34. If you would like to try this yourself, I found that the best method was to pretend to be searching for something in my shoulder-bag: with my head down and hair over my eyes, I could actually still see my 'target' and calculate my trajectory to achieve a relatively gentle bump, while giving the impression that I was genuinely distracted by my bag-fumblings.

35. I have since been told about a cross-cultural study of pedestrians which showed that the Japanese are indeed much more skilled than other nations at avoiding bumping into each other in crowded public places - so this was not just my imagination.

36. The Mondeo example may be out of date by the time you read this, but there will be an equivalent suburban, lower-white-collar car, probably a Ford or Vauxhall, so just substitute the new name.

37. Or even, among the very class-secure, approval: I know one unquestionably upper-middle woman who actually drives a Mondeo. She says that she bought it precisely because of its Mondeo-Man associations with salesmen: 'If the big companies buy it for their travelling salesmen, it must be a reliable car that can take a lot of abuse,' she argues. Such confidence and admirable disdain for the opinion of others is, however, quite rare.

38. Cars purchased in large quantities ('fleets') by companies, generally for the use of travelling sales staff, area managers and other relatively low-grade employees.

39. The exception being very wealthy members of the upper class whose servants are responsible for their car care, and whose cars are therefore cleaned to impeccable upper-working-class standards.

40. I have noticed that those on the political left tend to believe that we have always been awful and unpleasant (citing colonialism, Victorian hypocrisy, etc., etc.), while those on the right favour the 'going to rack and ruin' line, harking back to an earlier age (usually the 1930s, 40s or 50s), when we still had manners, respect, dignity, hard-backed blue passports and so on.