Watching the English

THE LIST

But I promised, at the very least, a definitive list of our defining characteristics, and at best some sort of model or diagram or recipe showing how they fit together. So let's start with The List. During all the 'workings out', I seem to have developed a kind of shorthand way of referring to these characteristics, using a single word for each ('social dis-ease', 'moderation', 'Eeyorishness', etc.) without spelling out its entire meaning every time, and indeed often expanding, revising and refining my definitions of these terms in the light of new evidence. Much as I love making up new words and playing with old ones, I do realize that there's a danger here of us ending up with enough home-made woolly jargon to knit ourselves a whole pointless new discipline (Englishness Studies or something equally inane), with its own impenetrable dialect. To avoid this, and to save you the trouble of going back to check exactly what I meant by 'empiricism' or 'fair play' or whatever, I'll try this time to give definitive definitions of each of the defining characteristics. There are ten of these: a central 'core' and then three 'clusters' which I have labelled reflexes, outlooks and values.

The Core: Social Dis-ease

The central 'core' of Englishness. Social dis-ease is a shorthand term for all our chronic social inhibitions and handicaps. The English social dis-ease is a congenital disorder, bordering on a sort of sub-clinical combination of autism and agoraphobia (the politically correct euphemism would be 'socially challenged'). It is our lack of ease, discomfort and incompetence in the field (minefield) of social interaction; our embarrassment, insularity, awkwardness, perverse obliqueness, emotional constipation, fear of intimacy and general inability to engage in a normal and straightforward fashion with other human beings. When we feel uncomfortable in social situations (that is, most of the time) we either become over-polite, buttoned up and awkwardly restrained or loud, loutish, crude, violent and generally obnoxious. Both our famous 'English reserve' and our infamous 'English hooliganism' are symptoms of this social dis-ease, as is our obsession with privacy. Some of us are more severely afflicted than others. The dis-ease is treatable (temporary alleviation/remission can be achieved using props and facilitators - games, pubs, clubs, weather-speak, cyberspace, pets, etc. - and/or ritual, alcohol, magic words and other medications), and we enjoy periods of 'natural' remission in private and among intimates, but it is never entirely curable. Most peculiarities of English behaviour are traceable, either directly or indirectly, to this unfortunate affliction. Key phrases include: 'An Englishman's home is his castle'; 'Nice day, isn't it?'; 'Oi -what you looking at?'; 'Mind your own business'; 'I don't like to pry, but...'; 'Don't make a fuss/scene'; 'Don't draw attention to yourself'; 'Keep yourself to yourself'; ''Ere we go, 'ere we go'; 'Enger-land! Enger-land! Enger-land!'.

Reflexes

Our deeply ingrained impulses. Our automatic, unthinking ways of being/ways of doing things. Our knee-jerk responses. Our 'default modes'. Cultural equivalents of laws of gravity.

Humour

Probably the most important of our three basic reflexes. Humour is our most effective built-in antidote to our social dis-ease. When God (or Something) cursed us with The English Social Dis-ease, He/She/It softened the blow by also giving us The English Sense of Humour. The English do not have any sort of global monopoly on humour, but what is distinctive is the sheer pervasiveness and supreme importance of humour in English everyday life and culture. In other cultures, there is 'a time and a place' for humour: among the English it is a constant, a given - there is always an undercurrent of humour. Virtually all English conversations and social interactions involve at least some degree of banter, teasing, irony, wit, mockery, wordplay, satire, understatement, humorous self-deprecation, sarcasm, pomposity-pricking or just silliness. Humour is not a special, separate kind of talk: it is our 'default mode'; it is like breathing; we cannot function without it. English humour is a reflex, a knee-jerk response, particularly when we are feeling uncomfortable or awkward: when in doubt, joke. The taboo on earnestness is deeply embedded in the English psyche. Our response to earnestness is a distinctively English blend of armchair cynicism, ironic detachment, a squeamish distaste for sentimentality, a stubborn refusal to be duped or taken in by fine rhetoric, and a mischievous delight in pricking the balloons of pomposity and self-importance. (English humour is not to be confused with 'good humour' or cheerfulness - it is often quite the opposite; we have satire instead of revolutions and uprisings.) Key phrases include: 'Oh, come off it!' (Our national catchphrase, along with 'Typical!') Others impossible to list - English humour is all in the context, e.g. understatement: 'Not bad' (meaning outstandingly brilliant); 'A bit of a nuisance' (meaning disastrous, traumatic, horrible); 'Not very friendly' (meaning abominably cruel); 'I may be some time' (meaning 'I'm going to die' - although, come to think of it, that one was possibly not intended to be funny).

Moderation

Another deep-seated, unconscious reflex or 'default mode'. I'm using the term 'moderation' as shorthand for a whole set of related qualities. Our avoidance of extremes, excess and intensity of any kind. Our fear of change. Our fear of fuss. Our disapproval of and need to limit indulgence. Our cautiousness and our focus on domesticity and security. Our ambivalence, apathy, woolliness, middlingness, fence-sitting and conservatism - and to some extent our tolerance, which tends to be at least partly a matter of benign indifference. Our moderate industriousness and moderate hedonism (the 'work moderately, play moderately' principle we really live by, rather than the 'work hard, play hard' one we like to quote). Our penchant for order and our special brand of 'orderly disorder'. Our tendency to compromise. Our sheer ordinariness. With some notable exceptions, even our alleged eccentricities are mostly 'collective' and conformist. We do everything in moderation, except moderation, which we take to ludicrous extremes. Far from being wild and reckless, the English 'youth of today' are even more moderate, cautious and unadventurous than their parents' generation. (Only about 14 per cent do not suffer from this moderation-abuse - we must rely on these rare risk-seekers for future innovation and progress.) Key phrases include: 'Don't rock the boat'; 'Don't go overboard'; 'Don't overdo it'; 'For the sake of peace and quiet'; 'Can't be bothered'; 'All very well, in moderation'; 'Safe and sound'; 'Order! Order!'; 'A nice cup of tea'; 'If it was like this all the time, we wouldn't appreciate it'; 'Over-egging the pudding'; 'Too much of a good thing'; 'Happy medium'; 'What do we want? GRADUAL CHANGE! When do we want it? IN DUE COURSE!'

Hypocrisy

Another unthinking 'default mode'. One of the stereotypes I tried to 'get inside'. The English are rightly renowned for their hypocrisy. This is an omnipresent trait, insidiously infecting almost all of our behaviour - and even the 'ideals' we most prize, such as modesty, courtesy and fair play. But under the special microscope I used for this project, English hypocrisy emerged as somewhat less odious than it might appear to the naked eye. It depends on how you look at it. You could say that most of our politeness/modesty/fairness is hypocritical, but also that most of our hypocrisy is a form of politeness - concealment of real opinions and feelings to avoid causing offence or embarrassment. English hypocrisy seems to be mainly a matter of unconscious, collective self-deception - collusion in an unspoken agreement to delude ourselves - rather than a deliberate, cynical, calculated attempt to deceive others. (Our 'polite egalitarianism' is perhaps the best example - an elaborate charade of courteous modesty and fairness, a severe case of what a psychotherapist would call 'denial' of our acute class-consciousness.) Hypocrisy comes easily to us not because we are by nature vile and perfidious (or no more so than any other culture) but because our social dis-ease makes us naturally cautious, oblique, indirect, disinclined to say what we mean or mean what we say, prone to polite pretence rather than honest assertiveness. Our hypocrisies also reveal our values. We are no more naturally modest, courteous or fair than any other culture, but we have more unwritten rules prescribing the appearance of these qualities, which are clearly very important to us. Key phrases: too numerous to list - English conversation is littered with polite euphemisms and other disguises, deceptions and denials - on average, at least every other 'please', 'thank-you', 'sorry', 'nice', 'lovely' (plus smiles, nods, etc.) is hypocritical.

Outlooks

Our worldview. Our way of looking at, thinking about, structuring and understanding things. Our sociocultural 'cosmology'.

Empiricism

The most fundamental of this 'outlook' cluster. Empiricism is another shorthand term into which I am packing a large collection of English attitudes. Strictly speaking, empiricism is a philosophical doctrine holding that all knowledge is derived from sense-experience - and its close relation 'realism' should technically only be used to mean the tenet that matter exists independently of our perception of it. But I am using these terms in a much broader, more informal sense, to include both the anti-theory, anti-abstraction, anti-dogma elements of our philosophical tradition (particularly our mistrust of obscurantist, airy-fairy 'Continental' theorizing and rhetoric) and our stolid, stubborn preference for the factual, concrete and common-sense. 'Empiricism' is shorthand for our down-to-earthness; our matter-of-factness; our pragmatism; our cynical, no-nonsense groundedness; our gritty realism; our distaste for artifice and pretension (yes, I realize that last bit rather contradicts what I said about our hypocrisy, polite euphemisms, etc., but I never claimed that we were consistent). Key phrases include: 'Oh, come off it!' (overlap with Humour - English humour is very empiricist); 'At the end of the day'; 'As a matter of fact'; 'In plain English'; 'I'll believe it when I see it'; 'Typical!' (overlap with Eeyorishness, also very empiricist).

Eeyorishness

More than just our incessant moaning. Quite apart from the sheer quantity of it, which is staggering, there is something qualitatively distinctive about English moaning. It is utterly ineffectual: we never complain to or confront the source of our discontent, but only whinge endlessly to each other, and proposing practical solutions is forbidden by the moaning rules. But it is socially therapeutic - highly effective as a facilitator of social interaction and bonding. Moaning is also highly enjoyable (there is nothing the English love so much as a good moan - it really is a pleasure to watch) and an opportunity for displays of wit. Almost all 'social' moaning is humorous mock-moaning. Real, tearful despair is not allowed, except among intimates. Even if you are feeling truly desperate, you must pretend to be only pretending to feel desperate (the unbearable lightness of being English). By 'Eeyorishness' I mean the mindset/outlook exemplified by our national catchphrase 'Typical!': our chronic pessimism, our assumption that it is in the nature of things to go wrong and be disappointing, but also our perverse satisfaction at seeing our gloomy predictions fulfilled - simultaneously peeved, stoically resigned and smugly omniscient. Our special brand of fatalism - a sort of curiously sunny pessimism. Key phrases include: 'Huh! Typical!'; 'The country's going to the dogs'; 'What did you expect?'; 'I could have told you'; 'There's always something'; 'Mustn't grumble'; 'Better make the best of it'; 'Never mind'; 'Blessed are they who expect nothing, for they shall not be disappointed'.

Class-consciousness

All human societies have a social hierarchy and methods of indicating social status. What is distinctive about the English class system is (a) the degree to which our class (and/or class-anxiety) determines our taste, behaviour, judgements and interactions; (b) the fact that class is not judged at all on wealth, and very little on occupation, but purely on non-economic indicators such as speech, manner, taste and lifestyle choices; (c) the acute sensitivity of our on-board class-radar systems; and (d) our denial of all this and coy squeamishness about class: the hidden, indirect, unspoken, hypocritical/self-delusional nature of English class-consciousness (particularly among the middle classes). Our 'polite egalitarianism'. The vestigial prejudice against 'trade'. The minutiae and sheer mind-boggling silliness of our class indicators and class anxieties. Our sense of humour about all this. Key phrases include: 'It is impossible for an Englishman to open his mouth without making some other Englishman hate him or despise him'; 'That sort of background'; 'Don't say "serviette", dear: we call it a napkin'; 'Mondeo Man'; 'A bit naff/common/nouveau/flashy/vulgar/unsmart/uncouth/Sharon-and-Tracey/suburban-semi/petit-ourgeois/mock-Tudor...'; 'Stuck-up posh tart (hooray/upper-class twit/old-school-tie/snob/publicschool yah-yah/green-wellie/Camilla...) thinks s/he's better than us'; 'What do you expect from a jumped-up grocer's daughter?'; 'That nice little man from the shop'.

Values

Our ideals. Our fundamental guiding principles. The moral standards to which we aspire, even if we do not always live up to them.

Fair play

A national quasi-religious obsession. Breaches of the fair-play principle provoke more righteous indignation than any other sin. English 'fair play' is not a rigidly or unrealistically egalitarian concept - we accept that there will be winners and losers, but feel that everyone should be given a fair chance, providing they observe the rules and don't cheat or shirk their responsibilities. Fair play is an underlying theme in most aspects of our unwritten etiquette, not just the games and sports with which it is most famously associated: queuing is all about fair play; round-buying, table manners, 'orderly disorder', driving etiquette, flirting codes, business etiquette, polite egalitarianism, etc. are all influenced by this principle. (Polite egalitarianism is hypocritical, concerned with the appearance of fairness, the concealment of embarrassing inequalities and inequities - but at least we care enough about these things to be embarrassed.) Our penchant for compromise, our constant balancing and weighing up of 'on the one hand' and 'on the other hand' - often seen as woolliness, perhaps more kindly as tolerance - are a product of fair play + moderation. Our tendency to support the underdog - and to be wary of too much success - is also about fair play. Our acute sense of fairness is often mistaken for other things - including both socialism and conservatism, and even Christianity. Much of English morality is essentially about fair play. Key phrases include: 'Well, to be fair...'; 'In all fairness...'; 'Given a fair chance'; 'Come on, it's only fair'; 'Fair's fair'; 'Fair enough'; 'Firm but fair'; 'Fair and square'; 'Wait your turn'; 'Take turns'; 'Be fair'; 'Fair cop'; 'That's not cricket/not on/out of order!'; 'Level playing-field'; 'Don't be greedy'; 'Live and let live'; 'On the other hand'; 'There's always two sides'; 'On balance'; 'Let's just agree to disagree, shall we?'

Courtesy

A powerful norm. Some of our politenesses are so deeply ingrained as to be almost involuntary - the 'sorry' reflex when bumped, for example, is a knee-jerk response for many of us - but most require conscious or indeed acutely self-conscious effort. The English are often admired for our courtesy but condemned for our 'reserve', which is seen as arrogant, cold and unfriendly. Although our reserve is certainly a symptom of our social dis-ease, it is also, at least in part, a form of courtesy - the kind sociolinguists call 'negative politeness', which is concerned with other people's need not to be intruded or imposed upon (as opposed to 'positive politeness', which is concerned with their need for inclusion and social approval). We judge others by ourselves, and assume that everyone shares our obsessive need for privacy - so we mind our own business and politely ignore them. But our polite sorries, pleases and thank-yous are not heartfelt or sincere - there is nothing particularly warm or friendly about them. Politeness by definition involves a degree of artifice and hypocrisy, but English courtesy seems to be almost entirely a matter of form, of obedience to a set of rules rather than expression of genuine concern. So when we do break our own courtesy rules, we tend if anything to be more obnoxious and unpleasant than other less 'polite' nations. We are not naturally socially skilled; we need all these rules to protect us from ourselves. Key phrases include: 'Sorry'; 'Please'; 'Thank-you/Cheers/Ta/Thanks' (every culture has these words, but we use them more); 'I'm afraid that...'; 'I'm sorry, but...'; 'Would you mind...?'; 'Could you possibly...?'; 'I don't suppose...'; 'How do you do?'; 'Nice day, isn't it?'; 'Yes, isn't it?'; 'Excuse me, sorry, but you couldn't possibly pass the marmalade, could you?'; 'Excuse me, I'm terribly sorry but you seem to be standing on my foot'; 'With all due respect, the right honourable gentleman is being a bit economical with the truth'.

Modesty

The English are no more naturally self-effacing than other nations, but (as with courtesy) we have strict rules about the appearance of modesty, including prohibitions on boasting and any form of self-importance, and rules actively prescribing self-deprecation and self-mockery. We place a high value on modesty, we aspire to modesty. The modesty that we actually display is often false - or, to put it more charitably, ironic. Our famous self-deprecation is a form of irony - saying the opposite of what we intend people to understand, or using deliberate understatement. It's a kind of code: everyone knows that a self-deprecating statement probably means roughly the opposite of what is said, or involves a significant degree of understatement, and we are duly impressed, both by the speaker's achievements or abilities and by his/her reluctance to trumpet them. Problems arise when the English try to play this rather silly game with foreigners, who do not understand the ironic code and tend to take our self-deprecating remarks at face value. Modesty also requires that we try to play down or deny class/wealth/status differences - polite egalitarianism involves a combination of the three 'key values' (courtesy, modesty, fair play) with a generous helping of hypocrisy. English modesty is often competitive - 'one-downmanship' - although this game may involve a lot of indirect boasting. English displays of modesty (whether competitive, hypocritical or genuine) are distinctive for the degree of humour involved. Our modesty rules act as a counterbalance to our natural arrogance, just as our courtesy rules protect us from our own aggressive tendencies. Key phrases include: 'Don't boast'; 'Stop showing off'; 'Don't blow your own trumpet'; 'Don't be clever'; 'Don't be pushy'; 'I do a bit of sport' (meaning I've just won an Olympic medal); 'Well, I suppose I know a bit about that' (meaning I'm the acknowledged world expert on it); 'Oh, that's all a bit over my head, I'm afraid) (ditto); 'Not as hard as it looks/just lucky' (standard response to any praise for personal achievement).

THE DIAGRAM

So. There are the defining characteristics of Englishness. They already seem to have arranged themselves into something a bit more structured than a list. We have a 'core' and we have identified three distinct categories - reflexes, outlooks and values - each with a 'cluster' of three characteristics. Diagrams are not really my strong point (for non-English readers: that is a big understatement) but it looks as though I might be able to keep my somewhat rash promise to represent all this visually in some way. 67

It is impossible to show all of the individual interconnections and interactions between the characteristics - I spent several days trying, but it always ended up looking like a tangled mass of spaghetti, only less appetising. And, in any case, I realized that these connections between defining characteristics are only relevant or even apparent in relation to specific aspects or features or rules of English behaviour. The money-talk taboo, for example, is a product of social dis-ease + modesty + hypocrisy + class-consciousness (that is, the 'core' plus one from each 'cluster'); the Christmas moan-fest and bah-humbug rule is Eeyorishness + courtesy + hypocrisy (one from each 'cluster' again, and all indirectly related to the 'core'). So, I would have to include all the minutiae of our behaviour patterns and codes in the diagram in order to show these relationships, which would effectively mean including everything in the book.

I think we'll just have to settle for something much simpler. Ditch the microscope, stand back and look at the big picture. This basic diagram of Englishness won't tell us anything we don't already know from the 'narrative' list above. It just shows what the defining characteristics are, how they can be classified, and that the 'clusters' are all linked both with each other and with the central 'core'. But the diagram does at least convey the notion that Englishness is a dynamic system rather than a static list. And it gets the whole thing on to one convenient page. For, um, easy reference or something. Englishness at-a-glance. And it looks rather nice and pleasingly symmetrical.

I'm afraid my diagram of Englishness hasn't come out looking much like a 'grammar', or a 'genome' for that matter, and it will no doubt be disappointing for those who were expecting something more complex and difficult and scientific-looking. But those genomes and so on were only metaphors, and much as I love to stretch, labour and generally abuse a metaphor, Englishness just would not be shoehorned into any existing scientific models, so I've had to make up my own rather crude and over-simplified structure. But it does look a bit sort of molecular - don't you think? - which is quite scientific enough for me. And anyway, the point was not to have a grandly impressive diagram, just something that would help us to understand and make sense of the peculiarities of ordinary English behaviour.