Watching the English

MALE-BONDING RULES - AND THE GIRLWATCHING RITUAL

The English male may not be an accomplished flirt, or adept at the finer points of pair bonding, but when it comes to bonding with other males, he's in his element. I'm not talking about homosexuality, repressed or otherwise, but about the universal human practice of male bonding, of men forming close friendships and alliances with other men. Every known human society has some form of male-bonding practices, usually including clubs, organisations or institutions (such as the London 'gentlemen's clubs' for which the English are famous), or at least special rituals, from which women are excluded.

It has been said that men's need for such bonding is as strong as their need for sex with women. In the average Englishman's case, it may be stronger. There is nothing wrong with the heterosexual English male's sex drive, but he does seem to show a marked preference for the company of other men. This is not about the alleged closet homosexuality of English males: if anything, gay Englishmen tend to be more at ease in female company, and to enjoy it more. But it must be said that many of the English man's male-bonding rituals appear to be devoted to proving his masculinity and heterosexuality.

Foremost among these is the 'girlwatching' ritual - the English version of that time-honoured and probably universal male pastime of exchanging comments on the physical attributes of passing females. You can - if you are interested in such things - watch variations on this ritual in pretty much any pub, bar, cafe, night-club or street-corner on the planet. The English variant is, as you might by now expect, conducted in code. Very few of the set phrases used are intelligible without some interpretation. The code is not, however, difficult to decipher, and most of the stock phrases fall into one of two simple categories: approval (that female is attractive) and disapproval (that female is not attractive).

The most quintessentially and convolutedly English of these stock girlwatching remarks is my favourite: 'Don't fancy yours much!' This is a standard comment on any pair of females, one of whom the speaker considers to be less attractive than the other. As well as demonstrating that he can tell the difference (and has a healthy, red-blooded interest in attractive females) the speaker is 'laying claim' to the more desirable of the pair, by designating the less pretty one as 'yours'. Although technically reserved for commenting on a pair of women, 'Don't fancy yours much!' is often used to draw a male companion's attention to the unattractiveness of any passing female, whether or not she is accompanied by a more fanciable alternative. On one occasion, in a pub in Birmingham, I recorded the following exchange:

Male 1, glancing up as a group of 4 women enters the pub: 'Don't fancy yours much!'

Male 2, turning to look at the women, then frowning in puzzlement: 'Er, which?'

Male 1, laughing: 'Don't care, mate - take your pick: they're all yours!'

Male 2 laughs, but somewhat grudgingly, looking a bit put-out, as a point has been scored against him.

Another somewhat cryptic English girlwatching phrase, this time of the 'approving' variety, is 'Not many of those to the pound!' This comment refers to the size of the observed female's breasts, implying that they are rather larger than average. The 'pound' means a pound in weight, not in sterling - so the phrase literally means that you would not get many of those breasts balanced like fruit on a grocer's weighing-scale against a pound weight. In fact it is an understatement, as large breasts would probably each weigh more than a pound, but let's not get too technical. In any case, it is a favourable judgement: large breasts are officially A Good Thing among English males; even those who secretly prefer small ones usually feel obliged to express approval. The 'Not many of those to the pound!' comment is often accompanied by a gesture suggesting the weighing of heavy objects in the hands: the hands are held out just in front of the chest - with palms upturned and fingers slightly curled in - then bounced up and down. Here is another overheard exchange, this time from a pub in London. It sounds like a comedy sketch, but I swear it is real:

Male 1, commenting on a very well-endowed nearby female: 'Cor! Not many of those to the pound, eh?'

Male 2: 'Sssh! You can't say that any more, mate. 'Snot allowed any more.'

Male 1: 'What? Don't give me that PC feminist crap! I can talk about a girl's tits if I like!'

Male 2: 'Nah - it's not the feminists'll get you, it's the Weights and Measures lot. We can't use pounds any more, it's all metric now. You gotta say "kilos"!'

From his self-satisfied expression, I suspect that Male 2 rather fancies himself as a comedian, and had been waiting for an opportunity to use this gag, which he spoilt somewhat by laughing uproariously at his own wit, and labouring the point with: 'Heh heh - New regulation from Brussels, right? We gotta say, "Not many of those to the kilo!" Geddit? Kilo!'

'I would!' is a rather more obvious generic expression of approval, the message being that the speaker would be willing to have sex with the observed female. 'Definitely a ten-pinter!' is a derogatory remark, meaning that the speaker would have to consume ten pints of beer - that is, be very drunk - even to consider having sexual relations with the female in question. When you overhear a pair or group of English men saying 'six', 'four', 'two', 'seven' and so on, while surreptitiously scrutinizing nearby or passing females, they may not be awarding the women 'marks out of ten', but referring to the number of pints they would have to drink in order to contemplate having sex with them. The fact that none of the women would be likely to give these self-appointed beauty-contest judges a second glance is immaterial. The girlwatching ritual is a display of masculine bravado, performed entirely for the benefit of male companions. By reciting the stock phrases, participants in this ritual affirm their status as macho, active heterosexuals. By tacit agreement, the assumption that they are in a position to pick and choose among the observed females is never questioned - and conspiring to promote this collective delusion reinforces the social bonds between the girlwatchers.