Watching the English

RITES OF PASSAGE

I've called this chapter Rites of Passage, rather than Religion, because religion as such is largely irrelevant to the lives of most English people nowadays, but the rituals to which Church of England vicars irreverently refer as 'hatchings, matchings and dispatchings', and other less momentous transitions, are still important. Most honest Anglican clerics will readily admit that the rites de passage of marriage, death, and to a lesser extent birth, are now their only point of contact with the majority of their parishioners. Some of us might attend a service at Christmas, and an even smaller number at Easter, but for most, church attendance is limited to weddings, funerals, and perhaps christenings.

The Elizabethan courtier John Lyly claimed that the English were God's 'chosen and peculiar people'. Well, if we are, this was certainly a rather peculiar choice on the Almighty's part, as we are probably the least religious people on Earth. In surveys, up to 88 per cent of English people tick the box saying that they 'belong' to one or another of the Christian denominations - usually the Church of England - but in practice only about 15 per cent of these 'Christians' actually go to church on a regular basis. The majority only attend for the aforementioned 'rites of passage', and for many of us, our only contact with religion is at the last of these rites - at funerals. Most of us are not christened nowadays, and only about half get married in church, but almost all of us have a Christian funeral of some sort. This is not because death suddenly inspires the English to become religious, but because it is the automatic 'default' option: not having a Christian funeral requires a determined effort, a clear notion of exactly what one wants to do instead, and a lot of embarrassing fuss and bother.

In any case, the Church of England is the least religious church on Earth. It is notoriously woolly-minded, tolerant to a fault and amiably non-prescriptive. To put yourself down as 'C of E' (we prefer to use this abbreviation whenever possible, in speech as well as on forms, as the word 'church' sounds a bit religious, and 'England' might seem a bit patriotic) on a census or application form, as is customary, does not imply any religious observance or beliefs whatsoever - not even a belief in the existence of God. Alan Bennett once observed, in a speech to the Prayer Book Society, that in the Anglican Church 'whether or not one believes in God tends to be sidestepped. It's not quite in good taste. Someone said that the Church of England is so constituted that its members can really believe anything at all, but of course almost none of them do'.

I remember eavesdropping on a conversation in my GP's waiting room. A schoolgirl of about 12 or 13 was filling in some medical form or other, with intermittent help from her mother. The daughter asked 'Religion? What religion am I? We're not any religion, are we?' 'No, we're not,' replied her mother, 'Just put C of E.' 'What's C of E?' asked the daughter. 'Church of England.' 'Is that a religion?' 'Yes, sort of. Well, no, not really - it's just what you put.' Like the automatic Christian funeral, 'C of E' is a sort of default option. A bit like the 'neither agree nor disagree' box on questionnaires - a kind of apathetic, fence-sitting, middling sort of religion for the spiritually 'neutral'.

It is hard to find anyone who takes the Church of England seriously - even among its own ranks. In 1991, the then Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr George Carey, said: 'I see it as an elderly lady, who mutters away to herself in a corner, ignored most of the time'. And this typically Eeyorish comment was in an interview immediately following his appointment to the most exalted position in this Church. If the Archbishop of Canterbury himself likens his church to an irrelevant senile old biddy, it is hardly surprising that the rest of us feel free to ignore it. Sure enough, in a sermon almost a decade later, he bemoaned the fact that 'A tacit atheism prevails'. Well, really - what did he expect?