Children Are from Heaven: Positive Parenting Skills for Raising Cooperative, Confident, and Compassionate Children

LEARNING HOW TO COMMAND

Before using a command the first step is simply to ask and not to demand. If the child resists your request, the second step is to listen and nurture. If listening isn’t enough, then in step three we offer a reward. If offering a reward doesn’t work, then step four is to assert your leadership and command. When the first three steps of asking for cooperation do not work, parents need to command their children, just as a general commands the troops.

To command is to tell your child directly what you want him or her to do. A command sounds like this. In a firm but calm voice say, “I want you to put your clothes away,” or “I want you to get ready for bed,” or “I want you to stop talking in there and go to sleep.”

Once you use your command voice, you must remain strong. Using emotions, reasons, explanations, arguments, blame, or threats weakens your natural authority. Getting upset or trying to convince a child to cooperate at this point is a sign you do not feel confident in your role as general, boss, or parent. If the child has already resisted steps one, two, and three, then the parent needs to establish a clear message of who is the boss. By asserting leadership, you once again establish yourself as the boss. The child needs a strong leader to yield to.

Many parents command without consistently using steps one, two, and three. It does not work. Certainly, a parent doesn’t always have to use the earlier steps, but if commanding is used too often, without the previous steps to invite and motivate cooperation, it loses its effect. In the past, children would submit to a parent’s command, but today children need to be heard as well.

Children learn from previous experience that when you command, you will not yield. All negotiation is over. If they continue to resist, to assert leadership you simply hear their resistance with less empathy and repeat your command. The most powerful assertiveness technique is simply to repeat your command with the confidence that the child will soon yield.

Ultimately, as the child continues to resist and you persist without resorting to emotions or reasons, you will prevail.

DON’T USE EMOTIONS TO COMMAND

If parents succumb to yelling, getting angry, displaying frustration, or making threats of punishment, they automatically give away their power to command. Using your upset emotions turns your command into a demand, and your positive position is weakened. You may be able to break a child’s will and create obedience, but you will not be strengthening his or her natural willingness to cooperate.

Your power of commanding increases if you don’t get emotionally upset. Remembering this will help you to stay calm. Subconsciously, we get upset because some part of us thinks it will make us more powerful and intimidating.

Animals puff themselves up in combat to intimidate. Because positive parenting is not fear based, intimidation is not helpful.

Even some parent-effectiveness training programs have encouraged parents to share their feelings as a way to motivate children. Sharing feelings, even when done very peacefully, brings the parent and child to the same level, which slowly undermines the parent’s position as boss. Although the intent to validate feelings is good, it is better to assist children in expressing their feelings and not burden or manipulate children with our own.

When children are resistant to cooperating, it is not the time for parents to share or reveal their feelings. Instead, this is the time to listen to the child’s feelings. It is counterproductive for parents to share their anger, frustration, or disappointment. When children resist, it is time to identify and acknowledge what they might be feeling and what they want.

After giving a child an opportunity to be heard and a possible reward for cooperating, it is time for parents to use their power as boss and to command their child. Commanding is well received after the parent has first listened to their child’s resistance or objections.

IT’S OKAY TO MAKE MISTAKES

Certainly there will be times when a parent loses control and gets upset while making commands. As with all the skills of positive parenting, you don’t have to be perfect for the program to work. But it is important to try. When you make mistakes by forgetting to hold back your emotions or you just lose control, the solution is to apologize later. It is okay to make mistakes.

A little apology later on makes a big difference. It might sound like this, “I apologize for yelling at you. You did not deserve to be yelled at. Yelling is not a good way to communicate. I made a mistake.”

Another way to apologize is by saying, “I apologize for getting so upset with you. I needed your cooperation, but didn’t mean to get so upset with you. I was so upset because other things were bothering me as well. It wasn’t your fault that I got so upset.”

WHEN EMOTIONS ARE NOT HELPFUL

Whenever parents express negative emotions, children will feel that they have not measured up to a parent’s expectations or are in some way inadequate or not good enough.

They will feel they have failed in pleasing their parents. This feeling of failure or inadequacy will eventually numb children’s willingness to respond freely. When a parent apologizes later for yelling, the child doesn’t feel bad or unworthy.

It is difficult to nurture the good in our children when we do things to make them feel bad.

Sharing negative emotions is helpful when we want to feel better. It is inappropriate to use our children to listen to our feelings to make ourselves feel better. It is healthy to need our children to cooperate, but not healthy to use them as a therapist or best friend. Children are still learning to deal with their own feelings; they cannot handle hearing their parents’ feelings.

Whenever a parent expresses negative feelings, the children will eventually feel manipulated by feelings and stop listening. They will not only stop listening to their parents, but to their own feelings as well.

As with all other forms of manipulation, children tend to rebel later as teenagers to the extent they had to be obedient.

Cooperative children don’t need to rebel or disconnect from their parents to develop their independence. They can pull away to find themselves without giving up or rejecting the support of their parents.

YELLING DOESN’T WORK

Clearly, one of the worst forms of communication is yelling.

The act of yelling implies that we are not being heard, so we are turning up the volume. To yell at children or teenagers gives the message “You are not listening.” As a result, they just don’t listen. Eventually, when you yell, they just turn off and hear nothing.

To yell a command is even worse. This means that they don’t clearly hear what you want. Yelling disconnects children from their desire to be guided. Yelling is the weakest form of commanding, because it lessens your position as commander.

Only when children clearly hear one simple message over and over do they give up their resistance to being led by the leader.

When you yell, you have stopped commanding and started demanding. It contains an implied threat: “You had better listen or else!” This kind of threat means you are demanding their obedience. Although making demands backed up with punishment has worked for centuries, its power cannot hold up in a free society. If you want your children to find the freedom in their lives to make their dreams come true, give them the freedom to cooperate.

Don’t demand it, command it.

MAKE YOUR COMMANDS POSITIVE

Although it is always best to command in clear and positive terms, often when you are ready to command the first thing that comes out of your mouth is a negative. If this happens, make sure to follow your negative demands or commands with a positive command. These are some examples of negative demands, negative commands, and then a corresponding positive command. Although negative commands are much better than negative orders, the positive commands are the best. Let’s explore a few examples:

Negative Demand: Don’t hit your sister.

Negative Command: I want you to stop hitting your sister.

Positive Command: I want you to be nice to your sister.

Negative Demand: Stop talking.

Negative Command: I want you to stop talking.

Positive Command: I want you to be quiet now.

Negative Demand: Stop fooling around and clean up your room.

Negative Command: I want you to stop fooling around and clean up your room.

Positive Command: I want you to clean up your room right now.

Negative Demand: Don’t talk that way.

Negative Command: I don’t want you talking that way.

Positive Command: I want you to be respectful and say nice things.

Negative Demand: Put your jacket on now.

Negative Command: I want you to stop fighting me.

Positive Command: I want you to cooperate with me and put your jacket on.

Negative Demand: You better listen to me or else.

Negative Command: I want you to stop playing cards and go brush your teeth.

Positive Command: Right now I want you to go brush your teeth.

If you begin with a demand or a negative command from habit, then just follow your negative message with a positive message. For example you might say, “I don’t want you to hit your brother. I want you to be nice instead.” Once you have found your positive statement, don’t deviate. If your child continues to resist, just repeat the positive statement. Let’s look at some examples:

PARENT: Would you put you clothes away?

CHILD: Oh, I don’t want to. I am too tired. I’ll do it tomorrow.

PARENT: I understand you are tired and you want to do it tomorrow. I want you to do it now.

CHILD: But I am too tired.

PARENT: If you put your clothes away now, then there will time to read three stories.

CHILD: I don’t care, I just want to go to sleep.

PARENT: I want you to do it now. Right now I want you to get up and put your clothes away. The discussion is over.

CHILD: You are mean.

PARENT: Right now I want you to put your clothes away.

CHILD: I hate you.

PARENT: Right now I want you to put your clothes away.

CHILD: (getting up to put the clothes away) I can’t believe you are so mean.

As you see the child beginning to cooperate with your will and wish, simply leave him alone for a few minutes or quietly watch. Then come back in and thank him in a friendly way, making it clear from the tone of your voice that you don’t resent occasionally having to push so hard. Even if you have to go to all this trouble, children should not feel that they don’t get credit for eventually responding to your will.

Many parents will not appreciate a child’s compliance when they have had to keep commanding. This is in some ways similar to the woman who doesn’t give her husband credit for doing something nice if she had to ask. Parents need to always remember that children do their best, and whenever they move in the right direction we should acknowledge and appreciate it.

In this example, the parent could say then or the next morning, depending upon when they feel it, “I know you were very tired. I appreciate you for cooperating.” When you don’t hold their resistance against them, they won’t continue to resist you by resenting your commands.

Some parents are afraid that their children will not love them if they command their children in this way. There is nothing further from the truth. Children need a strong but loving parent. They need a parent to motivate them in this way. They will grumble at you, but they will come back very quickly to loving you. One of the five messages of positive parenting is that it is okay to say no, but always remember mom and dad are the bosses. Assertive leadership through commanding puts the parent back in charge.

In the example above, there is basically a battle of wills. If you persist in repeating your command and avoid getting into a big discussion or debate, you will win. Once you have won a few battles of will, your child will be more cooperative. Nice parents are usually afraid to seem so mean, but this is necessary. You are not being mean in an unloving way. You are demonstrating that you mean what you say.

COMMAND BUT DON’T EXPLAIN

Besides using too much emotion, the other common mistake parents make is to justify their commands with explanations. If the child asks in a nonargumentative tone, it is fine to explain why you want something done, but if she asks in a challenging way, let her know you will be happy to talk about it later. If there is not much time just say, “We can talk about it later, but right now I want you to stop hitting your brother. I want you both to cooperate and get along.”

Giving reasons is a way of giving up your command. If children could understand the difference between right and wrong, then they wouldn’t need you. If they could comprehend what was good or bad, then you wouldn’t be needed to direct them. When you are on an equal level with someone who is reasonable, reasons work. Children do not develop the capacity to reason until about the age of nine, and they are not on an equal level until they are ready to leave home sometime around the age of eighteen.

Children have the latent ability to know what is right or wrong, but it becomes awakened by cooperating with your requests and not by listening to your lectures. When you ask a little boy to stop hitting his brother and then command him with your “I want” statements, he will respond. When he sees the smile on your face because he did what you asked, then he begins to learn what is good and what is right behavior.

Once you begin commanding, avoid stating the rules or giving reasons to back you up. Once a parent begins to repeat a command, the time for negotiation is over. Children have the right to question and negotiate during the first three steps, but once you begin to command, negotiations are over. It weakens your power if you digress to have a discussion about why the child should do what you want. At this point, the best technique is repetition of the command.

The child still has the right to resist, but you are still the boss. As you persist in commanding, the child will automatically begin to yield to your point of view.

When you state a command, the only reason children should cooperate with your request is because you want them to. If you didn’t give them some opportunity to resist, then you are simply demanding that they be obedient instead of cooperative. Deep inside every child the strongest motivating force is the desire to please and cooperate with parents or the primary caretaker.

Children are born ready to follow our guidance; we just have to give them a chance. The desire to please and cooperate is the prime directive. By directly expressing our will, we ultimately awaken their will. Eventually, by expressing their resistance to your will, their deepest will to follow your guidance emerges and they yield.

By first asking and then hearing any resistance before they yield to your point of view, they will not be surrendering their will in blind and mindless obedience but, instead, will be adjusting their will to their own prime directive, which is to follow your guidance and make you happy.

Children don’t need reasons. Instead, they need strong leadership. They need to be reminded that they are not in control, but that you are the boss. Trying to explain what is right or wrong, good or bad when they are resisting you only weakens your power to command. Even with teenagers who are capable of reason and abstract thought, when it comes down to a command, the reason they should cooperate is that you are the parent and you want them to.

COMMANDING TEENAGERS

I remember when I first experienced the power of commanding. Even before I raised my children, I was teaching a workshop for children of broken families. Many of these children were very unruly and uncooperative, which is why their parents enrolled them in my workshop.

At a certain point, the oldest child in the group, who was about fourteen, became very resistant to my requests. I proceeded to send him into the next room for a time out. He resisted and said, “What are you going to do about it?”

Although back then I didn’t know different positive-parenting skills, I realized that the threat of punishment was not going to work. As he glared at me, I could see that whatever I said would be countered with a “so what.”

Since he was already being punished to the maximum in his life, another punishment meant nothing to him. He had stopped caring and was defiant. He was also much bigger than I was. I didn’t really know what else to do, so I just looked him in the eyes and continued to command him in a clear and firm voice saying, “I want you to take a time out for about fifteen minutes.” Our conversation went on as follows:

TEENAGER: And what if I don’t?

ME: I want you to go in the next room and take a time out for fifteen minutes.

TEENAGER: You can’t make me.

ME: I want you to go in the next room and take a time out for fifteen minutes.

TEENAGER: You are a wimp, you can’t make me.

ME: I want you to go in the next room and take a time out for fifteen minutes.

TEENAGER: What are you going to do if I don’t?

ME: I want you to go in the next room and take a time out for fifteen minutes.

He made an expression of disgust and walked away into the other room.

After about fifteen minutes, I went into the other room and, in a friendly manner, said, “If you want to join us, you are welcome, but if you need more time alone, I will certainly understand.”

He silently nodded his head as if he would think about it. I left the room in a friendly way, and a few minutes later he came out and joined the group. This experience was great preparation for successfully dealing with the inevitable resistance I encountered with my own children.

You can see that if I had reacted to his comments or answered any of the questions, my position would have weakened. Ultimately, every child, until ready to leave home, needs parents to assert leadership and be the boss.

Ultimately, when faced with a caring adult whose commands are clear, an unruly child will eventually yield without threats or disapproval.

REASONS AND RESISTANCE

When children continue to resist going to bed, giving reasons doesn’t help. Telling them it is late or they need their sleep is not going to win them over, nor will it teach them anything. If children ask “why” and they are not being argumentative, then explanations are useful, but they are counterproductive at times when children are resisting. At a certain point, the only good reason they should do something is because you are the parent. I remember getting a funny T-shirt for my wife with this message. It said, “Because I am the parent, that’s why.”

Teenagers will often drive their parents to the limits of frustration. They will question and challenge whatever a parent commands. Parents try to be reasonable and lose.

Children and teenagers just keep asking why, yet each time you answer, you become weaker. With each answer, you get further and further away from your true power. All they have to do is keep asking, which is what they do.

Let’s explore an example. Carol wants to watch TV, and her mother wants her to do homework.

MOTHER: Carol, I want you to turn off the TV.

CAROL: Why?

MOTHER: You need more time to do your homework.

CAROL: I don’t have any homework today.

MOTHER: But you have projects due and you wait to the last minute and then complain that you have too much to do. If you don’t have homework, then this is a good time to get ahead on your science project.

CAROL: I’ve done everything I can. I can’t do anymore until I get the pictures developed and that will be several more days.

MOTHER: Well, you have been watching too much TV.

CAROL: No, I haven’t.

MOTHER: Yes, you have. You have been sitting here all afternoon.

CAROL: You haven’t even been here to know. You just got back.

MOTHER: Yes, and you were watching TV before I left.

CAROL: But I wasn’t watching TV all this time.

MOTHER: Sitting in front of the TV too much is not good for you. You should get outside. It is a beautiful day.

CAROL: I don’t want to go outside. My legs are sore from gym today.

MOTHER: You had better listen to me, young lady. You are going to lose all your TV privileges if you don’t watch out.

CAROL: You are so mean and unfair.

MOTHER: You are this close to being grounded with no TV.

CAROL: I don’t care.

MOTHER: Okay then, you are grounded for two weeks with no TV.

These kinds of arguments and fights can be avoided if parents don’t get off the track trying to convince children or teenagers of the merits of what they are saying. If children or teenagers are receptive to your ideas, it is different, but, if they are resistant to your request, they will continue to resist your ideas even though they may be good.

Here is an example of what a mother using positiveparenting skills could do to avoid fighting or arguing with her teenager or child.

A BETTER WAY OF COMMANDING

MOTHER: Carol, would you turn off the TV?

CAROL: Why? This is a great movie.

MOTHER: What is it?

CAROL: It’s Sherlock Holmes.

MOTHER: That is a great movie (pause), but I want you to turn off the TV. You’ve been watching a lot of TV lately, and I want you to do something else.

CAROL: Like what?

MOTHER: You could work on your homework or do something outside.

CAROL: I don’t want to. I just want to watch my show, and you are disturbing me.

MOTHER: I understand that you just want to watch your show and you don’t want to do homework or go outside (pause), but I want you to turn off the TV and find something else to do.

CAROL: I don’t want to.

MOTHER: I know it is disappointing, but now it is time to do something else.

CAROL: But I will miss the rest of my show.

MOTHER: I’m sure it will be on again soon.

CAROL: No, it won’t.

MOTHER: If you turn off the TV now, then I will take you to get a video tomorrow.

CAROL: I don’t care about renting a video. I just want to watch my show.

MOTHER: I want you to turn off the TV now.

CAROL: But I don’t have anything else to do.

MOTHER: I want you to turn off the TV now.

Carol gets up and turns off the TV. She storms out of the room. About fifteen minutes later, she comes back, acting like nothing happened and asks to play cards. Her mother happily agrees. No mention is made of the little battle. All is forgotten and forgiven.

INCREASING COOPERATION

The result of using positive-parenting skills is that your children will be more cooperative in the future, instead of — as the result of arguing, fighting, and punishing — increasing resistance, which gradually turns into unhealthy resentment, rejection and rebellion. When you command your children using emotion, logic, reasons, argument, or threat, it only weakens your position and strengthens their resistance in the long run.

When you use these first four steps of positive parenting gradually over time, you only need to ask and your children will cooperate most of the time. Inevitably, those times will surface again and again when you may need all four skills.

As you use these four skills, they become easier. Not only do they work to create cooperation, but they become clear and definite ways to nurture your children to be their personal best.

If it seems like a lot of work, that is just because it is new. Learning any new skill can be a bit overwhelming, but with a little practice it becomes easy and automatic. Raising children is always challenging, regardless of the child.

Positive parenting is not any more difficult. In the long run, it is much more fulfilling and effective as well.

Being a parent is filled with waves of challenge. We can either surf those waves or get knocked around again and again. Commanding our children may seem a little tough for some soft-love parents, but it is the clear and positive alternative to demanding our children into obedience with threats and shame.

CHOOSING YOUR BATTLES

Before commanding take into consideration your child’s temperament.

Sensitive children also require greater assistance. Rather than expecting a sensitive child to clean his room, ask him to join in to help you. In this way, by doing things together they will slowly become more independent. After commanding them to help clean their room just join in and start cleaning.

Responsive children may feel cleaning the whole room is too much and then feel the need to move on to something else which is easier and less time consuming. Parents need to give these children an opportunity to move from one thing to another. Remember they are like butterflies and need to keep moving around.

Before commanding a responsive child, parents must first attempt redirecting a child. When they are unwilling to clean their room, try directing them just to clean up one thing and then go on from there. Sometimes it is enough if they do a few things, and you do more. Eventually, they will want to do more, but it takes time.

Receptive children generally don’t require commanding.

They tend to be more accommodating. If they resist, it is often because the parent expects them to make a change before they are sufficiently prepared. Once they receive the reassurance and preparation they need, they will be more willing to accommodate.

Rather than commanding receptive children, parents need to be more understanding of the child’s need for rhythm and repetition. These children don’t respond well to sudden changes, interruptions, or demands.

Active children respond best to commanding in private.

Take them to the side or into another room to command their cooperation. They pride themselves on doing the right thing, on being in control, and may become unnecessarily defensive or resistant in front of others.