Children Are from Heaven: Positive Parenting Skills for Raising Cooperative, Confident, and Compassionate Children

ASK, BUT DON’T ORDER OR DEMAND

To create cooperation is to instill in children a willingness to listen and to respond to your requests. The first step is to learn how to direct your children most effectively. Consistent ordering does not work. Think about your own experience at work.

Would you like someone always telling you what to do? A child’s day is filled with hundreds of orders. It is no wonder that mothers complain their children don’t listen. Wouldn’t you just tune out if someone nagged you all the time?

A child’s life is filled with orders, for example: Put this away, don’t leave that there, don’t talk to your brother that way, stop hitting your sister, tie your shoes, button your shirt, go brush your teeth, turn off the TV, come to dinner, tuck in your shirt, eat your vegetables, use your fork, don’t play with your food, stop talking, clean up your room, clean up this mess, sshh, get ready for bed, go to bed now, get your sister, walk — don’t run, don’t throw things in the house, watch out, don’t drop that, stop yelling — and on and on, again and again. Just as parents become frustrated nagging a child over and over, the child just tunes the parents out. Repetitive orders weaken the lines of communication.

The positive-parenting alternative skill to ordering, demanding, and nagging is asking or requesting. Wouldn’t you rather be asked by your boss (or spouse) rather than be told? Not only do you respond better, but your children will as well. It is a very simple shift but it takes lots of practice.

For example, instead of saying, “Go brush your teeth,” say, “Would you go brush your teeth?” Instead of saying, “Don’t hit your brother,” say, “Would you please stop hitting him now?”

USE “WOULD YOU” AND NOT “COULD YOU”

Make sure that, when phrasing your request you use the words “will” or “would” instead of “can” or “could.” “Will you” works wonders, while “could you” or “can you” creates resistance and confusion. When you say, “Would you clean up this mess?” you are making a request. When you say, “Could you clean up this mess?” you are posing a question about competence. You are asking, “Do you have the ability to clean up this mess?” To motivate cooperation, you have to be very direct and very clear about what you want. You must first present your request in a way that evokes cooperation.

It is fine to say, “Could you clean up this mess?” if you are really asking about their competence. If you are asking a child to do something, be direct. Most of the time parents will say “could you” as a way of ordering their children with a little guilt tossed in. Most often parents do so because that is how their parents behaved and it is automatic.

Although it may seem like a little thing, how you ask makes a huge difference in children’s willingness to cooperate.

Regardless of intent, when a parent speaks in a bothered, frustrated, disappointed, or upset tone and uses “could you” or “can you,” a child may receive indirect messages. If the parent says, “Could you clean up this mess?” the child may hear any of the following messages:

“You should clean up this mess.”

“You should have already cleaned up this mess.”

“I shouldn’t have to ask you.”

“I have asked you before to clean up your messes.”

“You are not doing the things I have asked you to do.”

“You are not acting your age.”

“You are a real pain to me.”

“Something is wrong with you.”

“I am in a big hurry and I can’t do everything.”

Although none of these messages may be directly intended, it is what children hear. All this indirectness and guilt sabootages the possible results of positive parenting. After you practice these techniques, you will find that directness without guilt or fear is much more effective.

To understand this more clearly, let’s imagine you could map the activity in children’s brains. When you ask a “could you” question, there would probably be activity in his left brain wondering what exactly you mean. If you use “will” or “would,” there would be activity in the right brain and the motivation center would be activated.

Take a moment to pretend that you are a child hearing either of these two different questions: “Could you go to bed and stop talking?” or “Would you go to bed and stop talking?” At first, it feels like the “could you” phrase is more polite. “Would you go to bed and stop talking?” seems more authoritarian and may be too controlling. Then, as you continue to feel the difference, “could” sounds nice but there is also a hidden order saying, “I am asking you nicely but you’d better do it or else.” Then, as you continue to consider “Would you go to bed and stop talking?” it seems to be inviting you to cooperate. If you want to object, you are free to. Clearly, this is the message we want to give our children.

When we just order our children, we actually prevent them from learning to be cooperative.

These little word changes make a world of difference, particularly with little boys. “Would” and “will” not only work better with little boys, but also with grown men as well. Women tend to resist asking, and, when they do, they often do it in indirect ways. Not only do men need this directness, but children need it even more.

To use “could” and “can” sends confusing messages and gradually numbs children’s willingness to cooperate. You are the parent. You would not be asking her if you didn’t already believe that she could do the very thing you are asking. When you ask, “Could you turn off the TV?” you are not really asking if they have the ability to turn off the TV. You want them to turn off the TV, and you’re giving an unspoken message that they have no good reason if they don’t turn it off.

I began using this technique when my daughter Lauren was a baby, at first because I wanted to prepare all of my three daughters for being in successful relationships later in life. As I stated in Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, one of the most important skills women need to learn in their relationships with men is how to ask for support in a way that motivates a man rather than repels him. Women are not taught how to ask for what they want in childhood.

I knew that the best way to teach my children was to model the behavior, so, to teach them, I started asking them to do things with “would you” or “will you.” I was pleased that they picked it up so easily. Other parents were quite amazed when in preschool Lauren would say, ‘Would you please help me?” or “Would you not talk to me that way?” or “I have had a hard day, would you please read me a story?”

Although my intent was to teach them how most effectively to ask for what they wanted, which they did learn, the side effect I later discovered, was that using “would you” or “will you” made them much more cooperative. Now, when parents begin creating greater cooperation by using “would” and “will” in a clear and direct manner, they are also preparing their children to master the art of asking for what they want and getting it.

GIVE UP RHETORICAL QUESTIONS

Even worse than using “could you” and “can you” is using rhetorical questions. Rhetorical questions are fine when you are trying to make a point in a persuasive speech, but they are counterproductive when asking for cooperation. For every rhetorical question, there is always an implied message. In parenting, the implied message is usually a negative guilt message that a loving parent wouldn’t want to say directly. Instead, it is implied in a rhetorical message. Many mothers don’t even realize they are giving a negative message, but with a little soul-searching, it is easy to recognize.

Women particularly will use rhetorical questions to motivate children to be obedient. When a mother wants her child to clean up his room, instead of saying, “Would you please clean up your room?” she throws in a little shame and guilt by using a rhetorical statement first like, “Why is this room still a mess?” Let’s explore a few examples.

Rhetorical Question: Why is this room still a mess?

Possible Implied Messages: You should have cleaned this room. You are bad. You are a slob. You don’t listen to me the way you should, etc.

Rhetorical Question: When are you going to grow up?

Possible Implied Messages: You are behaving in an immature manner. I am embarrassed by your behavior. You are a big baby. You should be behaving differently.

Rhetorical Question: Why are you hitting your brother?

Possible Implied Messages: You are bad for hitting your brother. You are really stupid. You have no good reason to be hitting your brother and yet you do.

Rhetorical Question: Are you okay?

Possible Implied Messages: Something is wrong with you. You are behaving in a strange manner. Unless you have a good reason, you have no excuse for your behavior . . . it is bad.

Rhetorical Question: How could you forget to do that?

Possible Implied Messages: You are either really stupid or very bad and insensitive. You are a pain in my life. I cannot depend on you for anything.

Rhetorical Question: Why are you still talking in here?

Possible Implied Messages: You should be sleeping. You are really bad kids. I have told you again and again, and you still don’t listen to me.

By giving up rhetorical questions before making a request, parents increase their chance of creating cooperation; otherwise children just stops listening. Avoiding rhetorical questions not only helps create cooperation, but it also prevents your children from being exposed to poor communication skills.

Rhetorical questions not only don’t work for the child, but they prevent parents from clearly taking responsibility for the negative messages they are sending out. Without clearly recognizing our negative messages, it is hard to understand why our children are not willing to cooperate with us.

BE DIRECT

One of the most important skills for mothers to learn is to be direct, particularly with little boys. Women will often state what they are displeased about, but do not follow it with a request. This is like fishing in a desert. They have little chance of getting the response they want. Here are some examples of not being direct:

Negative message: You kids are making too much noise.

Implied order: Be quiet.

Negative message: Your room is a mess again.

Implied order: Clean up your room.

Negative message: I don’t like the way you are treating your sister.

Implied order: Be nice, don’t treat her that way.

Negative message: You shouldn’t hit your brother.

Implied order: Don’t hit your brother.

Negative message: You are interrupting me again.

Implied order: Don’t interrupt me.

Negative message: You can’t talk to me like that.

Implied order: Don’t talk to me like that.

Negative message: Your shoes are untied.

Implied order: Tie your shoes.

Negative message: You were late last time.

Implied order: Be on time.

In each of these examples, the parent is trying to motivate the child to do something by focusing on the problem but is not asking him to do anything. The implied request is often not even realized by the child, who does nothing but stare into space. To get a direct response, the request needs to be direct without focusing on the negative expression. Focusing on what a child did wrong or why a child should feel bad does not help create cooperation. Let’s explore how negative messages could be rephrased as effective requests for action.

Negative message: You kids are making too much noise.

Positive request: Would you please be quiet?

Negative message: Your room is a mess again.

Positive request: Would you clean up your room?

Negative message: I don’t like the way you are treating your sister.

Positive request: Please be nice, don’t treat her that way.

Negative message: You shouldn’t hit your brother.

Positive request: Please don’t hit your brother.

Negative message: You are interrupting me again.

Positive request: Would you please not interrupt me?

Negative message: You can’t talk to me like that.

Positive request: Please don’t talk to me like that.

Negative message: Your shoes are untied.

Positive request: Would you tie your shoes?

Negative message: You were late last time.

Positive request: Please be on time.

GIVE UP EXPLANATIONS

Besides making sure to ask instead of ordering or demanding, to motivate children to action, don’t give them a reason.

Many well-meaning experts suggest focusing on giving children a good reason to do the action. This does not work. As a parent, when you explain your position to justify your request, you give up your power. You confuse the child. So many well-meaning parents try to convince their children to follow instructions instead of reminding them it is okay to resist, but mom and dad are the bosses.

You don’t need to say, “It’s time to go to bed; you have a big day tomorrow. Would you go brush your teeth?” Just say, “Would you go brush your teeth?” Leave out the explanation.

When children resist their parents, they are mostly resisting the reasons. When you leave out the reasons, they have less to resist.

Most men experience this when responding to a woman’s request. Often women will give a big explanation why he should do something, when he would much rather that she be brief. The more she talks about the reasons he should do something, the more he will feel resistant. Similarly, the briefer you make the request, the more willing your child will be to cooperate.

If you want a young child to understand why it’s good to go to bed, tell the child later, once you are pleased with her for cooperating. After she is in bed, you could say something like this, “I am so pleased with you. You brushed your teeth so nicely. And now you can get lots of sleep to prepare for tomorrow. It’s a big day and a good night’s sleep will make you feel good tomorrow.” When children have done something well, they are much more receptive to little talks.

Most parents give talks to motivate children when the children are resistant, or when they have done something bad or wrong. This kind of timing just reinforces feelings of inadequacy and guilt and eventually disconnects a child from their natural willingness to cooperate. It may appear to work when children are very young, but at puberty, to the extent the child submitted to your will by being a good and obedient child, he or she will need to rebel. To encourage cooperation, giving up explanations will make a big difference.

These are few examples of common mistakes parents make and alternative ways of asking:

Explanation: You have watched too much TV today; it’s time to turn off the TV. I want you to do something else with your time.

A Better Way of Asking: Would you turn off the TV and do something else with your time?

Explanation: Every time we are ready to go to school, you forget where your shoes are. I want you to always put them in one place so that you can remember.

A Better Way of Asking: Would you put your shoes in one place so that you can always remember them?

Explanation: I have been picking up after you all week long. I want you to pick this stuff up right away.

A Better Way of Asking: Would you please pick this stuff up right away?

Explanation: I am really tired today. I can’t deal with cleaning up. I want you to wash your dishes tonight.

A Better Way of Asking: Would you wash your dishes tonight? That would make me very happy.

GIVE UP GIVING LECTURES

Even worse than explanations before a request are lectures on what is right or wrong and good or bad. It is actually counterproductive to say, “It’s not nice to hit your brother. Hitting isn’t okay. Would you please stop hitting him now?” Besides sounding contrived and unnatural, it just doesn’t work. Certainly, stating a rule or policy is okay, but not to motivate a child. When lectures on good or bad are given to motivate behavior, children disconnect from their willingness to cooperate and instead try to figure out right from wrong, good from bad. Children younger than nine years old are not prepared for such heady stuff, and after age nine, they will just stop listening.

The only time to give children or teenagers a lecture, no matter how old they are, is when they ask for one. Many parents complain that their children don’t talk with them.

The major reason is that parents offer way too much advice and too many lectures. Children will particularly turn off to lectures when a parent uses them either to motivate them to do something or to tell them why they are wrong. In both cases, lectures are not only worthless but also counterproductive. Here is a sample lecture:

“Your brother did not mean to hurt you. He was just playing and accidentally bumped you. The best way to get along is to use your words and not hit. Hitting will just make the problem worse. If a bigger kid at school were to hit you, it wouldn’t feel very good. In a similar way, it doesn’t feel good to him when you hit your brother. Better than hitting is using your words. Instead of hitting him, you could have said, ‘I don’t like being hit, please stop.’ If he continues, then repeat your words. Remember you don’t have to hit. There is always another way. Sometimes you can just walk away, like you are bored with this behavior. On the other hand, if you want to fight, then I would be happy to oversee a wrestling match or we could put on the boxing gloves. It is good to learn how to protect yourself if there is nothing else you can do to protect yourself, but it is not good to fight with your brother. You both know how to use your words and you can always ask me for help. . . . So don’t hit your brother.”

Unless a child is really asking for the information, although it may be good and useful, it will just create more resistance.

DON’T USE FEELINGS TO MANIPULATE

Feelings are to be shared among equals. To help train children in the important skill of identifying and sharing feelings, parents make the mistake of using “I feel” statements. Many books are filled with suggestions about always communicating your feelings to children. Although this is well-meaning advice, it is often counterproductive when it comes to creating cooperation.

Parents are taught to use this simple formula to create cooperation.

When a b c, I feel 1 2 3 because I want x y z.

For example, “When you climb the tree, I feel afraid you will fall. I want you to come down.”

Or “When you hit your brother, I feel angry because I want you to not hit each other and to get along.”

This formula and other similar formulas are effective to assist children in communicating their feelings to each other or to help adults communicate to each other. It does not work to use feelings to cross the generational line. When parents, who are the bosses, share their negative feelings with children to motivate behavior, it makes children feel overly responsible for the parent. The result is that they feel guilty for upsetting the parent and adjust their behavior, or they feel manipulated and resist cooperating. Negative feelings should not be shared with children. It is not appropriate for the “boss” to get on equal footing with the child. As soon as you express your negative feelings, you lose much of your control and the power to create cooperation.

Parents who share their feelings with their children wonder, “Why do my children resist my authority so much?”

Eventually, as these children reach puberty, they stop communicating with their parents altogether. Many grown men have a difficult time listening to their wives’ feelings, because they felt so manipulated by their mothers’ feelings as children. A dramatic example, to make this point clear, is the mother or father who says, “When you do this, I feel so disappointed. (I work so hard so that you have a good life and you don’t even try.) I want you to do as I say.” This child has only two options: either to feel bad or to stop caring. Neither option is healthy.

When parents are upset and need to talk about their feelings, they should find another adult to find comfort and support. It is not appropriate to look toward your children for emotional support. Certainly, it is great to share your positive feelings with your children, but your negative feelings will just be rejected as a form of manipulation.

Some parents assume if they say “I am really angry” that this intimidation will motivate their child. It certainly will deter a child, but it is fear-based and will eventually numb a child’s natural willingness to yield to your wishes. Using feelings to manipulate will tend to make some children obedient but not cooperative. Many children, particularly boys, will just turn you off. They will stop listening and even stop looking you in the eye.

Many parents use “I feel” statements as a way to educate their children into a greater awareness of feelings. This is better accomplished at times when you are not trying to motivate your children to do something. It is best to do in response to their asking how you feel, or if you have ever felt the way they do.

THE MAGIC WORD TO CREATE COOPERATION

Besides being brief, positive, direct, and using “would you” when making a request, one other skill remains. It is the most important. It is remembering to use the most powerful word for creating cooperation. That word is “let’s.”

To a great extent, until age nine children have not formed a sense of self. To order them around is to reinforce the separation between parents and children rather than work with the natural connection children have to their parents.

Whenever it is possible, invite children to participate with you in some activity. Even if you have asked something specific like, “Would you please clean your room?” you could precede this request or follow it with the phrase, “Let’s get ready for the party.” By including your request in the context of an invitation to join with you, the result is increased cooperation.

A SHORT REVIEW AND PRACTICE

So far we have explored the foundation techniques of creating cooperation:

Creating a willingness to cooperate really isn’t that hard but it does take a lot of practice. It becomes easier by just focusing on making short requests instead of orders. Use the following list to practice

Ordering: Put this away.

Requesting: Let’s clean up this room. Would you put this away?

Ordering: Don’t leave that there.

Requesting: Let’s now put our things away. Would you please put that away?

Ordering: Don’t talk to your brother that way.

Requesting: Let’s remember to be respectful. Please use a nicer tone when you talk to your brother.

Ordering: Stop hitting your sister.

Requesting: Please, right now, stop hitting your sister. Let’s all try to get along.

Ordering: Tie your shoes.

Requesting: Let’s get ready to go. Please tie your shoes.

Ordering: Button your shirt.

Requesting: Let’s look our best. Would you button your shirt please?

Ordering: Go brush your teeth.

Requesting: Let’s start getting ready for bed now. Please go brush your teeth.

Ordering: Turn off the TV.

Requesting: Let’s make sure we’re not watching too much TV. Please when this show is over in ten minutes, turn off the TV.

Ordering: Come to dinner.

Requesting: Let’s come and eat. Please come to dinner.

Ordering: Stop talking.

Requesting: Let’s be quiet and listen to your mother. Please stop talking.

Ordering: Eat your vegetables.

Requesting: Let’s remember how important vegetables are. Would you please eat your vegetables?

Ordering: Use your fork; don’t play with your food.

Requesting: Let’s remember our table manners. Please use your fork and not your hands.

WHAT TO DO WHEN CHILDREN RESIST

When you first begin this new approach, it will give your children a lot of power. They may laugh at you and say no. Don’t worry — this is supposed to happen. They will either be happy to cooperate, or they will be happy to resist. After all, do you always do what you are asked to do? I hope not.

Using the “let’s” word is usually fine in most situations until a child gets to the age of nine. At that time, it is a little hokey to say, “Let’s clean up this room,” unless you are also doing some of the cleaning. Remembering to use the magic word “let’s” requires practice, but eventually it will become second nature.

When children resist your initial request, then it’s time to move on to step two. These skills of step one are necessary for creating the foundation of cooperation. The skills of step two are needed to motivate your children when they resist your initial request. After much practice, as your children get accustomed to the different positive-parenting skills, these first skills of step one will be more effective. In the beginning, if children are used to being controlled by fear, this first step is needed to lay the foundation for steps two, three, and four. Later on, you will find that most of the time you will only need to ask, and your children or teenagers will cooperate. In the next chapter, we will explore step two and learn new skills for minimizing resistance by understanding our children. When children resist cooperating, the next step is to minimize their resistance.