Children Are from Heaven: Positive Parenting Skills for Raising Cooperative, Confident, and Compassionate Children

THE FEARS ABOUT DESIRE

It is often thought that giving children permission to want more will make them too demanding or difficult to manage.

It is certainly much easier to parent a child who accommodates your every wish and desire, but this child doesn’t get the opportunity to explore and develop his or her own sense of self, unique style, and direction in life. When children get the love and support they need to manage their feelings, giving them permission to want more does not make them demanding or difficult to manage. By wanting more and not getting, children learn the important skill of delayed gratification and self-discipline.

Some parents worry that it may make their child too selfish. This is true if parents always cave in to their children’s wants and wishes. What spoils children is not getting what they want, but the power to manipulate others by wanting more and throwing tantrums to get it. Children become spoiled and selfish when parents deny their own wants in order to please their children.

When parents seek to placate children by fulfilling their every desire as a way to avoid tantrums, then the children will become spoiled. To give children permission to want more, parents must be strong at those times when a child throws a tantrum and then give appropriate time outs.

Given the opportunity to adjust their desires for more and accept the limits of life, children become even more appreciative of what they do have in the moment.

With regular time outs and good communication skills to assist their children in dealing with occasional strong feelings that come up, parents who give their children permission to think big and want more will raise confident, cooperative, and compassionate children.

By focusing on creating cooperation rather than blind obedience, positive parenting nurtures children’s inner will and wish but, at the same time, maintains that the parents are in control. To create cooperation, it is not necessary to break children’s will. Even if they want to stay up, children will go to bed according to their parents’ will and wish. By applying the five skills of positive parenting, parents allow children to have their own wants and wishes, but reserves the final say in the end.

The problem with giving children permission to want more is that it does slow things down at times. Children are not always immediately compliant. They may want to do something else and will let you know. By taking this time to listen to and consider the merits of a child’s will and wish, a parent nourishes a child’s soul. When a child feels heard most of the time, then, at those times when a parent doesn’t have the time, the child will be very accommodating.

Our soul can express itself through the will. When a child’s will is not broken or ignored, it has a chance to breathe and grow. We are motivated in life by our will. Taking the time to nurture a child’s will increases his or her bond with the parent and creates an overall willingness to cooperate.

All children are born with tremendous enthusiasm. This is the force of their will. When wanting more is accepted, this will is nurtured and can grow in harmony with their parents and others. But when it is not allowed to grow, children gradually lose that special spark we see in young children. The child loses that enthusiasm for life, loving, learning, and growing.

By learning to feel their wants and to honor the wants of their parents, children develop the important skills of respect, sharing, cooperation, compromise, and negotiation.

Without permission to want more and ask for it, children learn to sacrifice themselves for others. When children have permission to want more, they don’t need to rebel as teenagers to find themselves.

THE VIRTUES OF GRATITUDE

Parents are too quick to teach the virtues of gratitude instead of giving their children permission to want more. “Be grateful for what you have” is too quick a reply to a child’s desire for more. Many adults don’t give themselves permission to want more in life because they are afraid of appearing ungrateful for what they have.

In the past, sacrifice has been a part of spirituality. To be good, holy, or spiritual meant to sacrifice in the name of God. Sacrifice was a valid means to feel one’s connection with God because it was a way people would begin to feel.

To give up something for God forced one to feel more deeply. Today, we don’t need to sacrifice to feel. We just need permission to want more and feelings will come up in abundance.

Our challenge is to create a life of abundance. We have so many resources at our fingertips today that were never available before. Your children can make their dreams come true. They can enjoy both inner and outer success. The basis of this success is permission to want more. Unless they have permission to want more, they will stop dreaming, and without a dream nothing will happen except what has happened before.

The secret of success, both inner and outer, is to appreciate what you have and to want more. A heart full of gratitude and love for what you have and a strong passion to achieve and have more is the secret recipe for our children’s success in life. When children are able to manage the negative feelings that come up from not always getting what they want, then they will consistently come back to appreciating the love and support that they are given. With gratitude for their parents’ love and support, children have the foundation to feel the desires of their own true self and not the misdirected desire that others may possess.

PERMISSION TO NEGOTIATE

When children are given permission to want more, it occasionally means more work for the parent. In return, children learn how to negotiate for more in life. Although negotiation takes more time, sometimes I am amazed by my children’s power to motivate me to do things. I am proud of their strength and determination and resistance to blind submission of will.

When given the freedom to ask for what she wants, my daughter’s inner power to get what she wants has a chance to blossom. She will not always take no for an answer. She is quick to negotiate and will often motivate me to give her what she wants. It is okay if she convinces you to change your position. This does not mean caving in to avoid the inevitable tantrum. There is a big difference between being manipulated by a whiny child and being motivated by a brilliant negotiator.

Parents must maintain control throughout every negotiation by clearly setting limits on how long it can go on.

So many adults don’t know how to ask for what they want, because they didn’t have lots of practice as children.

When they finally do ask for what they want, they still don’t know how to negotiate. If they get a no, they either back off or feel resentful. So many adult problems would disappear if people had learned how to negotiate back and forth to get what they want. We have so many lawyers in this world simply because people are so inept in working out and negotiating their differences.

Children who have grown up negotiating to get more don’t back off, nor do they become resentful. They know that no only means no if they don’t come back with another good reason to comply with their request. They also know that no today doesn’t mean no tomorrow. Negotiation requires a creativity and persistence that comes automatically when children are given permission to want more.

Children need permission to ask for more; otherwise, they will never know how much they can get. Even as adults we still have difficulty determining what and how much we can ask for so that we don’t offend or appear too demanding or ungrateful. If adults have difficulty, then clearly we should not expect our children to know.

When giving a child permission to ask for more, parents must understand and accept that sometimes a child will want way too much or seem very selfish. At these times, instead of judging or disapproving, parents need to give acceptance and understanding. A child cannot be expected always to know what is appropriate to ask for. It is a process of trial and error.

LEARNING TO SAY NO

Just because children have permission to ask for more doesn’t mean that you will always acquiesce. Just as they learn to ask for more, a parent must practice being comfortable saying no.

When parents can’t say no, children very quickly will be unreasonable in their requests. They will keep wanting more and more until they reach the limit.

If parents are unable to set reasonable limits, children will ask for what is unreasonable. A child will push and demand for it until he or she gets a clear limit. When that limit is reached, the child will often need a time out to deal with the strong feelings of disappointment, rage, anger, sadness, and fear. The more children get what they want, the more upset they get when they finally don’t get what they want.

When children negotiate for what they want, parents must set clear limits for how long the negotiation lasts. A parent only has so much time and inclination to continue negotiating.

When you feel that you have heard enough and you are not willing to change, then it is time to say, “I understand you are disappointed, but now this negotiation is over.”

If the child continues, the parent should just repeat this phrase and give a command to stop. The parent could say, “This negotiation is over. I want you to stop asking me.”

If the child continues, he or she is out of control and needs to take a time out. After this process occurs a few times, the child will be very respectful of your request to end negotiations. Remember, when a parent shifts to command mode and repeats a command, no must mean no.

Most of the time, to end a negotiation, particularly with a young child, parents can use redirection. A mother might say, “I understand you are disappointed. I wish I could wave a beautiful magic wand and give you what you want, but I can’t. Let’s instead do this . . .”

There are two different situations when a parent is required to say no to a child. In the first situation, your child resists your request. For example, you want her to get ready to leave, but she wants to play more. In this example, you must clearly and effectively be able to say no to more playing and repeat your request. In the second situation, you are required to say no to her direct request. She wants you to play with her, but you have other plans. In both cases, the best way to answer is with confidence and brevity. Don’t give a lot of reasons to justify saying no — just say no. If challenged, simply repeat the same response more firmly. These are some simple examples:

TEN WAYS TO SAY NO

1. No, right now I am busy.

2. No, I have other plans.

3. No, but maybe some other time.

4. No, right now I am doing something else.

5. No, this is what we are going to do.

6. No, right now I want you to . . .

7. No, but let’s do this instead . . .

8. No, right now it is time to . . .

9. No, the plan is to . . .

10. No, right now I need to take a little alone time.

Besides giving children an opportunity to grow in their negotiation skills by giving clear “no” messages, children learn how to say no in their lives as well. Parents must not get upset with a child for asking for more. Permission to want more means the opportunity to ask. When parents clearly remember that they are not required to say yes, they can say no without feeling guilty. Besides making sure to take care of their own needs, parents who can say no comfortably provide a significant role model for their children. If a child continues to challenge a “no” message, all the parent has to do is simply say, “End of negotiation.”

ASKING FOR MORE

One day, at about the age of six, my daughter Lauren asked me to walk with her to town to get a cookie. This was a little ritual we used to do together. One time, I told her no, and then she began to plead and negotiate. A neighbor happened to be there and immediately cut her off with a shaming message. The neighbor said, “Lauren, don’t ask your father that. Can’t you see he’s busy? He can’t say no if you keep asking.”

Immediately, my three daughters, Shannon, Juliet, and Lauren, said in unison, “Oh, yes he can.” It was a memorable moment. I was so proud. Each of my daughters clearly understood that she had the right to ask, and I had the right and power to say no in return.

When parents make huge sacrifices to accommodate their children’s every request, this puts the burden of figuring out what is reasonable to ask for on the child. This is unhealthy. Eventually, the child will feel insecure about asking for anything. Instead, parents should give children permission to ask and give themselves permission to say no. In our house we often say, “If you don’t ask, then you don’t get, but when you ask, you don’t always get.”

Besides giving children permission to ask for more, parents need to also teach children how to ask. This is best done by modeling. When the parent makes requests in a respectful way, the child gradually learns how to ask.

MODELING HOW TO ASK

To teach children this important behavior, the most important technique is modeling. As we have explored in Chapter 3, instead of simply giving demands or commands, make sure that you make requests using “will,” “would,” “please,” and “thank you.” When children make demands or commands, instead of telling them not to be disrespectful, simply model a better way they could have expressed the request.

When a four year old says, “Daddy, give me that!” simply say in response, “Daddy, would you give me that? Sure, I would be happy to give you that.” Then, simply give him what he asked for as if he had said those words.

This technique made parenting so much easier for me.

When my children would become too demanding or sound disrespectful, instead of getting into a power struggle correcting them or trying to make them say what I wanted them to say, I simply modeled what I wanted them to say and then responded as if they had said it.

The only reason children don’t express themselves in a more respectful way is that they haven’t yet learned. We don’t need to correct them; we just need to demonstrate what works.

As parents, it is our job to teach them. As they continue to see that it feels good and it works, they follow suit.

If my daughter were angry and said, “Daddy, get out of my room,” I would say, “Daddy, would you please leave my room? Certainly, I would be happy to.” Then I would leave the room.

This clearly gives them the message of how to ask in a way that works. It would be a waste of time and energy to argue with my child, saying, “Don’t tell me what to do. You ask me politely or I will not leave.” This kind of approach just creates unnecessary resistance.

Children need to feel free to ask for what they want knowing that they will not be shamed. Even if it is not expressed perfectly, they should be respected in return. They also need to know that, just because they ask, it doesn’t mean that they will get what they want. The way they ask should not be the reason a parent says no. When a child asks, she is always doing her best. If she fails, she is not bad; she just needs more modeling, or more nurturing, or a time out.

THE POWER OF ASKING

By giving your children permission to ask for more, you give them the gift of direction, purpose, and power in life. Too many women today feel powerless because they were never given permission to ask for more. They were taught to care more about what others needed and shamed for getting upset when they didn’t get what they wanted or needed.

One of the most important skills a father or mother can teach a girl is how to ask for more. Most women did not learn this lesson as children. Instead of asking for more, they indirectly ask for more by giving more and hoping someone will give back to them without their having to ask. This inability to ask directly prevents them from getting what they want in life and in their relationships.

While girls need more permission to want more, boys need a particular kind of support when they don’t get more. Quite often a boy will set his goals high, and parents will try to talk him out of his goals, because they want to protect him from being disappointed. They do not realize that, more important than achieving goals, is being able to cope with disappointment so that he can rise again to move toward his goals.

Just as girls need a lot of support in asking for what they want, boys need extra support to identify their feelings and move through them. For boys, this is best accomplished by asking for details of what happened while being extremely careful not to offer any advice or “help.” Even too much empathy “to help him” can turn him off to talking about what happened.

Mothers often make the mistake of asking too many questions. When pushed to talk, many boys stop. When given suggestions on how to cope, boys particularly will back off. At times, when a boy already feels beaten, he doesn’t need someone to make him feel worse by telling him how to solve the problem or what he did to contribute to the problem.

GIVING TOO MUCH

Whenever parents give too much, the children let them know.

They become overly demanding and unappreciative of what they have. When you give something and they want more because it is not enough, it is generally a sign that you are giving too much.

Let’s look at an example. One day, my daughter Lauren wanted an ice cream bar. I was doing a series of errands but she really wanted one. Instead of doing what I needed to do, I agreed to get her one. Although I didn’t realize it, I was giving too much.

I was bothered by the interruption, but I did it anyway.

In the store, after waiting in a long line, she decided she didn’t want the bar and wanted something else. She wanted me to go and find it. To do that I would lose my place in line and waste a lot of time. At that point, I realized that I was resenting her for being so demanding. She was clearly confused and asked if I was angry with her. I told her that I was just angry that this was taking so long.

Underneath it all, a part of me was angry with her but all she did was test the limit and ask for what she wanted. I was the adult — it was up to me to say what I could give and what I couldn’t. That day I learned very clearly that it was up to me to determine what I could say yes to and what I couldn’t. It was her job to keep asking until she reached a limit. It was not fair to let her push me over the limit and then blame her for being so demanding. By making sure that I didn’t give too much in the future, and setting better boundaries, I would not resent doing things for her.

When my children occasionally behaved in a demanding manner in public, it was always a clear sign to me that I was giving too much. Whenever a parent gives too much to make a child happy, the result is that the child becomes overly demanding. Sometimes parents don’t know if they are placating or pleasing their children too much. They are so happy to please them they don’t realize they are caving in too often and giving them too much power.

CHILDREN WILL ALWAYS WANT MORE

When given permission to want more, children will always want more. At times it will seem like you can’t make them happy. This is a healthy part of growing up. To realize their own inner ability to be happy, sometimes children need to experience that they can’t get everything they want.

After not getting what they want in the outer world, they come back to feeling what they really need. As they feel their need for love, they suddenly begin to realize that they can be happy without getting everything they want. They don’t have to have everything now. This is how children learn to delay gratification.

Children will also want more time and attention than is possible to give. Parents need to know that giving children permission to want more means that they will always want more.

The lesson children need to learn is how to be happy now, even though they are not immediately getting what they want.

This is why learning to manage negative feelings is so important. If a child wants more and doesn’t always get it, he or she becomes very unhappy. Parents need to be careful not to try always to cheer up this child or to solve his problem. The child is like the little butterfly struggling to come out of the cocoon; it needs that struggle to strengthen its wings in order to fly freely.

To be happy in life, one of the greatest skills is delayed gratification. Learning to want more and yet be happy with what you have is a tremendous strength. This balance is developing each time your children are unable to have what they want and get upset. By assisting your children in feeling and then releasing the negative feelings, they experience again and again that they can be peaceful and happy in the moment, even though life isn’t perfect and things are not the way they want them to be.

CHILDREN OF DIVORCED PARENTS

Children of divorced parents have a great need to process the loss of their parents’ marriage. Deep inside, all children want mommy and daddy to love each other. Just as parents need to grieve the loss of a marriage, their children need to grieve that loss as well. Children often don’t begin the grieving process until mommy or daddy has begun dating again. For this reason, once a parent has gone through the grieving process, he or she needs to begin dating again.

Sometimes single parents don’t want to date because their children don’t want them to. Their children get so needy and upset that single parents seek to avoid the tantrum by not going out. This attempt to placate the child will not only spoil the child, but also denies him or her an opportunity to grieve the ending of her parents’ marriage.

In other cases, single parents don’t start dating again because they want to compensate for the situation and give more to their children. The logic is clear: Since my child only has one active parent and a child needs two parents, then I must give more. This logic is correct, but the premise is wrong. Children will always want more than you can give.

As a parent, you can only give what you can give.

If you try to give more, then you will be sacrificing too much for your children. Remember children are from heaven.

If you do your best, God will do the rest. You can only do what you can do. The secret is to be there for your children when they go through resistance to your doing what you need to do for you. Rather than protecting children from not getting what they want, help them deal with feelings that come up in response to not getting what they want.

When a single mom goes out on a date, her child may complain so much that she resists going out. She doesn’t realize that other children of married couples also complain when they go out. When children feel safe to want more, they will. It is up to the parent to recognize what she can give without sacrificing her personal life as well. By taking time for herself, she is then able to give her child the quality time and attention her child needs most.

THE LONGING OF THE HUMAN SPIRIT

The desire for more is the longing of the human spirit. When children can manage to desire more, but patiently accepts and appreciates what they have, they are equipped to handle all of life’s greatest challenges. The people who succeed in life are those who persist. The only failures in life are those who give up and stop striving, dreaming, and wanting.

When their minds and hearts are open and their will is strong, there is nothing that can stop our children.

Children who are raised with strong wills will not submit to the will of a tyrant, nor will they seek to crush the will of others by means of dominance. They will model in the world a new way of interacting. Cooperation will be their daily experience and so they will have developed skills to enlist the cooperation of others as well.

Children who have grown up with the permission to want more think big and plan big. They are confident in their ability to achieve more. Contained within their deepest desires is the confidence and intuitive knowledge of how to get what they want.

By giving children permission to want more, this creative and intuitive awareness is awakened, giving them an edge on life that few people in the past have experienced. With this inner confidence and direction, your children will be able to move ahead in life, purposefully and with passion. Your children will achieve and well exceed what parents of previous generations could only hope for their children.