Children Are from Heaven: Positive Parenting Skills for Raising Cooperative, Confident, and Compassionate Children

Sensitive Children Need Listening and Understanding

The first temperament is sensitive. Sensitive children are more vulnerable, dramatic, and feeling. They are acutely aware of how they respond to life in relation to their needs, wishes, and wants. To adjust to life, they have a greater need to identify what they are feeling and then they are more willing to make a change. They respond most to listening and understanding.

Although all children need understanding, these children need it more to release their resistance. Sensitive children learn about themselves by identifying their wants and sharing their feeling responses to life. Complaining is part of their nature. When given the opportunity to share their burdens, they lighten up.

For example, a child might say, “No one even said hello to me. I had a horrible day.”

Then the parent says, “That’s mean.”

Then the child says, “Sarah was really nice to me. She liked the picture I drew.”

With a little validation, these children begin to see the positive again. They need more empathy, validation, and recognition of their inner pain and struggles. In general they tend to need more time. Trying to rush sensitive children will create more resistance. They have a different inner clock.

It would be a big mistake for the parent to say, “If Sarah was really nice to you, then maybe it wasn’t such a horrible day.”

The child would then say, “It was. No one likes me.”

When a sensitive child makes the shift to a more positive attitude, just let it be. Don’t use this shift as a way to discount the feelings they expressed first.

Without regular messages of empathy, sensitive children begin to dramatize their problems to get the empathy they need. If saying “I have a stomachache” doesn’t get a warm attentive response then it becomes, “I have a really bad headache and stomachache, and no one is ever nice to me.”

Without understanding, every ache is magnified. The lack of empathy will actually create more pain physically and emotionally. When parents ignore a sensitive child, the feelings and problems just get bigger.

The biggest mistake a parent can make is trying to cheer this child up. When they are upset or seem depressed, it does not work to explain why they should not be upset. Focusing on all the positive things may cause them to go in the other direction and focus even more on the negative in an attempt to feel understood and validated. Parents must be careful to listen more and hold back from trying to solve their problems in an attempt to make them feel better.

Sensitive children need to know they are not alone and that their parents also suffer. This is a very delicate subject.

It is not healthy for parents to come to them for emotional support, but parents can share some of their struggles to sensitive children.

For example, after a child complains about how hard, difficult, or painful something is, a parent might say, “I know, why just today I felt really awful, too. I was stuck in a huge traffic jam.” Without looking to the child for comfort, this approach satisfies a particular need of the sensitive child.

When sensitive children resist, they need to hear such empathetic statements as “I understand you are disappointed; you wanted to do this and now I want you to go here.” Without the right kind of support, sensitive children cannot let go of their resistance. Without empathy, they tend to feel like victims and can get lost in self-pity. They tend to think more deeply about their suffering, and without being understood, they easily assume blame.

These children need clear messages that their negative feelings are okay. They take a little more time to get over hurts and emotional upsets. Yet, sharing their inner burdens and misery to a sympathetic ear is actually a pleasurable relief. Parents who are less sensitive often mistakenly assume something is wrong with their child and make matters worse.

After hearing the feelings of a sensitive child, give him time and a little space to feel better. When he feels better, don’t put a lot of attention on this shift. Have an attitude that is accepting of this temperament as normal and natural.

Don’t give the message that something was wrong and now he is okay. He was always okay.

These children often resist being pushed into new relationships. Forming relationships and friendships generally takes more time than for other children. They need more help in creating opportunities to meet people and form friendships. When they do establish a friendship, they are very loyal, and when they are betrayed, they are very hurt.

Learning to forgive and forget is an important skill they need to learn. When parents listen to their resistance and give understanding, it helps these children to adjust to life’s disappointments and increases their ability to forgive.

When these children get what they need, their special gifts can unfold. They are thoughtful, deeply perceptive, creative, good communicators, and original. They are nurturing, compassionate, gentle, and helpful. They derive great fulfillment by serving others and the world.

Active Children Need Preparation and Structure

The second temperament is active. Active children are less concerned with their inner responses to life and more interested in having an influence. They are concerned with doing, action, and results. They are self-motivated and most cooperative when they know what to do or have a plan. They are always ready to move on, lead, or do things their way.

These children need a lot of structure, otherwise they easily go out of your control and resist your authority. They always need to know in advance what the plan is, what the rules are, and who is the boss. They need a game plan. With this kind of preparation these children become very supportive and cooperative. To minimize resistance with these children, you need to think ahead and prepare them with clear limits, rules, and direction.

A parent could say, “This is what we are going to do. First we will play on the swings and then we will go over to the jungle gym. Each of you will get two-minute turns and then we will switch.” By preparing this active child with clear structure, he or she will be most cooperative.

Active children like to be the center of attention and be where the action is. They always want to be right. Without parental structure, they tend to be domineering. This child needs opportunities to be a successful leader. They respect and follow a confident and competent leader. A parent must be careful not to show weakness, indecision, or vulnerability.

For example, don’t directly ask them what they think is best. If they resist by saying what they want after giving instructions, acknowledge their suggestion and then decide what is to be done once again.

If you say, “We are first going to the swing and then to the jungle gym,” they might say, “But the jungle gym is more fun, let’s do that first.” Then a wise parent could say, “That’s a good idea. Let’s do that.” These children love to be right and thrive whenever they are acknowledged.

To minimize resistance from active children it is best to make them first and/or put them in charge of something whenever possible. They have a lot of energy and need parental structure if that energy is to be expressed harmoniously. They are highly motivated to please if given a position of responsibility.

Active children need to feel needed and that you trust them. In this case, the parent could say, “First, we will go to the jungle gym and everyone gets a chance to get to the top. Billy, I want you to be in charge of making sure everyone gets to the top at least once. You can go first and show everyone the way.”

Putting active children in a leadership role with clear guidelines brings out the best in them. Automatically, they become more cooperative. They have lots of energy and feel frustrated when they have to sit still too long. They just have to do something and then will act without thinking and get into trouble. This is why they need structure. When their activities are thought out for them, their abundant energy can flow freely without getting them into trouble.

One way to minimize resistance with active children is simply to wear them out. For example, if you have to wait somewhere, this child will become very frustrated. Either give the child a job to do or create a game to use up the energy. You could have the child simply run a defined distance and back and time the run. Active children love breaking their own records. Give them lots of acknowledgment for their achievements and their resistance will melt.

Active children learn about themselves by doing and making mistakes. They need lots of acknowledgment for their successes and forgiveness for their mistakes. These children have a greater tendency to get into trouble. If they are afraid of punishment or disapproval, they will hide or defend their mistakes, and therefore, they will stop learning and growing from them.

Active children have a difficult time just sitting and listening. They need to move around and learn best by doing and participating with others. When they are resistant to your requests, it is best to begin the activity and invite them to join in. Long conversations are counterproductive and often are regarded as a punishment.

For example, if they resist cleaning up their room, then briefly acknowledge what they are doing and then begin cleaning the room. Say something like, “I can see that you are playing and you don’t want to clean up your room. Let’s do it together. This is how we do it . . .” Waiting around for them to do something is not very effective.

Active children let go of resistance by joining in with you. Even if they only help a little, thank them for their help and acknowledge how good the room looks. You might say, “We did a good job!” Active children always want to be a part of the winning team. There is no greater motivator than success itself.

Active children know themselves by what they have done and their results. They like power. When they resist your requests, they often need a firm but calm message that it is okay to resist, but mom and dad are the bosses.

Acknowledge what they are doing and then ask again more directly.

For example, you might say, “I can see you are resting in your bed and now I want you to start cleaning this room.” If the child does not respond, then join in by starting to clean and saying, “Let’s start with this part of the room.” This approach in sales is called the “assumptive close.” You assume your client is with you and you begin exploring the finer details of the purchase.

Active children need a clear and direct message of what you want. “I want” statements minimize resistance by reminding this child that you are the boss. Without the right kind of support, active children tend to go out of control, misbehave, and become abusive to others. Besides structure and supervision, they need clear messages that it is okay to make mistakes and that you know they are always doing their best.

When out of control, unless they get everything their way, they will tend to bully others or throw big tantrums. Many parents and adults are afraid to confront this kind of child.

Parents put off confrontations because they require so much energy. This just makes the problem worse. Besides clear structure, these children need the structure of regular time outs.

They need to feel contained more than other children do. By giving these children regular time outs, they will remember who is boss and get the structure they need. We will explore how to give time outs in greater detail in Chapter 6.

Active children have a greater need to be right and hate being told they are wrong. It is particularly difficult for them to receive corrective feedback in front of others. If feedback is given privately, they resist less and don’t become defensive. Instead of correcting them publicly, you can create secret signals to give feedback. They greatly appreciate a parent who will help them to save face.

For example, you could let the child know to be gentler by pulling on your own ear. When they start getting too loud, you could touch your chin to let the child know he or she is using their outside voice while indoors. These children appreciate these signals. It not only helps them be more successful, but it also indirectly acknowledges that it is normal to make mistakes and occasionally go out of control.

Unless given a role of responsibility, they will tend to resist other children or people who move more slowly. They want things fast and have the energy to get them fast. They can best accept the slower pace of others when they are busy doing a job to help or assist in some way. It is even fine to make up activities and give them a sense of importance.

When these children get the structure they need automatically, they become more sensitive, compassionate, and generous. With regular time outs, they gradually learn to be more patient and develop the ability to delay gratification.

They become responsible, competent, and make great leaders. They make things happen. Over time, as they feel more successful and confident in themselves, they become more sensitive in understanding others’ feelings.

Responsive Children Need Distraction and Direction

The third temperament is responsive. Responsive children are social and outgoing. They develop a sense of self from their responses to the world and their relationships.

They are self-motivated to see, hear, taste, and experience everything life has to offer. They have many interests, because they have a greater need for stimulation.

Each new experience brings out a new part of themselves. They come alive in response to new input. Although these children like change, they resist having to focus. They often throw tantrums when being asked to put on a coat or do something in a particular way. They have a greater need for freedom to do their own thing.

Often they don’t complete things and just move from one experience to another. It is important for parents to understand this and not worry. This child needs to move around. Chaos is a part of their learning process. Later in life, if they have the freedom to explore, change, and be themselves, they will become more focused and will learn to go deeper into things and complete tasks.

Responsive children naturally move from one activity to another like a butterfly. They need time to explore, experience, and discover life. They are so easily distracted that they need a lot of direction about what to do. When they forget your instructions, they are not trying to annoy or resist you. They have really forgotten. They should never be shamed for this tendency. Gradually they will learn how to stay focused. They are easily distracted by new opportunities. This tendency to be distracted can actually be used to minimize their resistance.

When resistant to your requests, responsive children simply need to be redirected to another possibility, a new activity, or a different opportunity for experience. Instead of understanding or structure, this child needs to be distracted and then redirected. With distraction, another part of them emerges that is willing to be cooperative. Let’s explore a few examples.

When throwing a tantrum, children up to about age three can be easily distracted and then redirected by pulling out pretty, shining objects, keys, a toothbrush, little shells, a crystal, or anything interesting to see, hear, taste, touch, or play with. My wife, Bonnie, used to always carry a selection of little “things” to distract a child from becoming upset or throwing a tantrum. While this works for all children, it works especially well for this responsive child.

The activity of singing will distract many children of all ages from what is bothering them and redirect them to feeling loved and supported. Children love when you sing to them and with them as they get older. My wife, Bonnie, created a special little song for each of our children. When they would cry, we could just sing the song and they would feel peaceful again.

As an example of how to do this, I include one of these songs:

When children are distressed, a simple song used over and over will distract them from their troubles and redirect them back to feeling loved and comforted. Singing a song is better than listening to music, because singing actually connects the child more to the parent, although using music in the background to create a more relaxing or happy environment can still be very helpful.

Singing has less gravity or heaviness than the spoken word. It helps to redirect a child from focusing on something that isn’t pleasing to something that is. It is ideal for distracting a child and redirecting her to do what you want. You can’t stay frustrated and sing at the same time. Singing and listening to song lightens things up and makes life more fun.

It stimulates more creative right brain activity. Creativity makes a child more fluid and flexible to situations as well as more cooperative.

When my children were growing up, we used to sing a song while we all washed the dishes together. I called it the five-minute cleanup. I would sing a particular song while we would race to see how much we could get done in five minutes. Afterward, I would acknowledge them for their help and finish up myself. They loved it and still remember it today as a fun and happy experience.

By singing with my children, they were distracted from the drudgery of doing dishes. Also, by limiting their participation to five minutes, they didn’t feel burdened. By making sure they didn’t have to work too hard at a young age, they didn’t resist helping out. As adults, they now are happy to work hard, and they know how to have fun as well.

I can still remember, as a child growing up in a family of seven children, my night to do the dishes. It didn’t matter that I only did them once a week. On my night, the feeling I had was, “I always do the dishes. I never get to have fun. Everyone else is having fun and I am missing out.”

Children live in the eternal now. When a chore takes too long, it feels like, “Work is all we ever do.” By making chores easier and helping your children more, they will learn first how to have fun, and then later in life, as teenagers, schoolwork will be more enjoyable.

Ideally, children should feel taken care of up to seven years old and then between the ages of seven and fourteen, children should focus on having fun by playing, singing, doing crafts, painting, learning a musical instrument, sports, drama, school homework, and doing fewer chores at home. Helping with dishes, cleaning, and taking care of pets is certainly fine, and does not come under the category of “too much work.” The best way to determine how much work to give your children is to listen to their resistance and reconsider. Being a parent requires making adjustments every step of the way.

When children learn to be happy, as teenagers they are ready to buckle down and work hard. When children are required to work as children and not have fun, they never learn how to have fun. As teenagers, they often rebel against work or they work hard but have no fun.

Only a hundred years ago, children worked in factories, but gradually society realized that this was abusive. Today we need to realize that it is also a mistake to work our children at home. It is the parents’ job to give and the child’s job to just receive. Then, around age seven, children have a new need: the need to have fun and play with family and friends. This is the time when children are supposed to develop one of the most important skills in life: the ability to be happy.

Most adults really never learn how to have fun and enjoy their lives. This is because they didn’t get the necessary support to learn how to have fun. Happiness is a skill, and this skill develops between ages seven and fourteen. Too much academics or too much responsibility and work before puberty will restrict a person’s ability to be happy later in life. They either reject work and seek to have fun and be irresponsible as teenagers, or they work hard, but, because they are too serious, they are never happy or satisfied.

Most parents mistakenly believe that they need to teach their children to work hard and be responsible. Children learn to be responsible by having responsible parents.

Children learn to work hard by observing their parents work hard. Children learn everything primarily by imitation. They eventually do what they see their parents do.

With this insight, parents can have the confidence to follow their hearts and create a happy and fun childhood for their children. Hard work is not needed until puberty.

When a child is restless and fussy before going to bed, besides singing little songs, reading stories is an excellent way to prepare the child to relax peacefully and sleep deeply.

Although reading to a child before bed is probably the most important gift a parent can give a child, it is particularly important for the responsive child. They hunger to hear stories, myths, and legends. They need the stimulation of faraway places, people, and things.

Children live in a magical world until they are about nine years old. Already society is rushing them to wake up and experience the real world. Parents should not worry. Let your child take time to develop and he or she will easily adapt to the real world when ready. Until they are about seven years old, children do not even have the capacity for logic, and they cannot comprehend an abstract thought until age thirteen.

When children hear on the news that there is a killer on the loose, they assume they are in danger just as everyone else is.

Using logic to minimize these fears doesn’t work. It doesn’t work to say, “Well we have a safe neighborhood and so you are safe.” Magical thinking requires magical solutions. Saying a prayer for your child’s safety will do the trick. If you don’t pray, then wave a magic wand to reassure your child that he or she is protected. To minimize resistance it is best not to allow children hear or watch the news up to the age of seven.

By hearing stories, children are easily distracted from life’s burdens. Children use images created by hearing stories to develop their imagination, creativity, and a stronger sense of self. Successful people have the sense that they create their lives, while less successful people feel more victimized or tossed around by life’s challenges and setbacks. Through increased imagination and creativity, a child is better prepared to solve problems later in life.

Responsive and sensitive children tend to be more at effect already. By creating their own inner pictures in response to stories, children develop a stronger sense of themselves and their ability to create, and will naturally feel in life more “at cause.” Too much watching TV or movies can weaken this process of creating internal pictures.

All children can benefit from distraction. Up to about eight years old, children are easily distracted from their resistance by being told a little story with lots of imagery, color, and shapes. It doesn’t matter if the story is not connected to what your child is resisting. Just shift the subject and begin telling a story with descriptive phrases.

For example, when your child is resisting putting on his coat, break out of the power struggle by stopping and talking in story tone. Say something like this, “Oh, look at the beautiful green leaves of that tree. I remember once walking in a beautiful forest and there were giant trees on every side. The sky was such a beautiful blue. There was one big puffy white cloud right above me. I walked all day until I was really tired. It was a long walk but it felt good. Now let’s put on this coat.”

This is called establishing rapport and then inviting participation. When you tell a story with lots of colors and objects to visualize, the child automatically leaves his or her resistant self and goes into rapport or harmony with you. As a result, the child is much more willing to cooperate.

At any age, when children are upset and resistant, they respond well to redirection like, “Now let’s do this . . .” or “And now we will . . .” Rather than ask the child what she wants to do or even what she would like to do, the parent needs to lead the child. As the child forms her own wishes and wants, she will resist and let you know what she wants. At this point, the parent can say, “Okay, that’s a good idea. You do that.” Instead of directly asking her what she wants or what she would like to do, make suggestions and let her agree or disagree indirectly through her acceptance or resistance.

Let’s explore an example:

MOTHER: Jimmy, let’s go play at the park.

JIMMY (eight years old): I don’t want to go to the park.

MOTHER: Why not?

JIMMY: I want to play in my room.

MOTHER: Okay, if you want to stay home it is all right with me. Take out your colors and make a picture.

JIMMY: I don’t want to do an art project. I would rather play with my new model airplane.

MOTHER: That’s a great idea — you play with your new model airplane and I’ll come in a little later and see how you are doing.

In this way, without asking the child directly, the parent makes suggestions the child can resist, gradually becoming able to identify what it is he wants. As a general rule for all temperaments, it is not a good idea to ask children what they want, like, need, think, or even how they feel. Instead, suggest and they will either accept or resist. By resisting, they form a clear idea of what they want, feel, and think.

Responsive children tend to be more joyous, light, and eager. They are literally fed by life’s images and changes. For them, life is an adventure. They tend to be more social and talk a lot. They make friends easily and tend to like everyone. They are often irresistible, charming, and accommodating. They don’t hold grudges.

They don’t have deep attachments and are not easily hurt. They have tantrums and resistance, but these usually arise when they are being required to focus or do something they don’t want to do. Both chaos and emotional ups and downs are a common part of their life.

They tend to be scattered, forgetful, and unreliable. It is difficult for them to pick up after themselves. They need to be asked again and again. With this insight, parents can find greater peace. Don’t expect this child to create order in his or her environment. That is your job. For example, responsive children will not keep their room clean unless they get help. Instead of fighting them, just work with them.

When given the opportunity to have fun and explore many things briefly, they develop their attention span and learn to focus and go deeper. Over time, they will learn to finish tasks. After the age of seven, they need firm encouragement to stay focused. This is most easily done by taking the time to help them.

Without the right kind of support, responsive children, overwhelmed by life’s responsibilities, tend to become easily irresponsible or overly scattered and they often reject the responsibilities of being an adult. When they do get the support they need, they become solid, responsible, self-directed, focused, confident, and accomplished.

Receptive Children Need Ritual and Rhythm

The fourth temperament is receptive. Receptive children are more concerned about the flow of life. They want to know what will happen next and need to know what to expect. When they understand the flow, they are most cooperative.

New situations where they don’t know what to expect will trigger resistance. They know themselves by what they expect will happen. When this child expects to be loved, then they feel loved. They need a lot of routine, repetition, and rhythm.

There needs to be a set time to eat, a time to sleep, a time to play, a time to spend special time with mommy or daddy, a time to pick out tomorrow’s clothes, etc. They respond well to reassurance and encouragement like, “Now it’s time to do this . . .” or “Now we are going to . . .”

They are the most good-natured and thoughtful children. They need more time to do things in an orderly pace and are most resistant to change. They can’t make quick decisions and should not be asked what they want, think, or feel. Instead, they need to be told what to do.

As long as it is not a big change, they are most cooperative. A change in time signals a need to change an activity.

Using the phrase, “Now it’s time to . . .” reassures this child that everything is unfolding and moving as usual. They need things to be predictable around them.

Although they like being told what to do, they will resist being pushed into things or rushed. Like the sensitive child, they need more time to do things or make changes. They need lots of reassurance that everything is preplanned and thought out. It is what they are used to. Repetition gives them comfort. They don’t move as much as other children.

Often they are just content to stay still and just enjoy being, resting, eating, looking, listening, and sleeping.

They can simply enjoy the passage of time. They are not automatically self-directed, creative, or innovative. They need to be told, “Now it is time to . . . ,” otherwise they may just sit and daydream. They love physical comfort and, rather than risk discomfort, would rather sit and watch.

Unlike the active child, they don’t need to lead or even participate. As young children, they often need to just watch and observe. They may watch other children do an activity fifty times and then suddenly just do that behavior. Observing is enough participation for them to develop interest.

A four-year-old child intently watching other children play is not feeling left out. That child is perfectly content to watch. It is as though the child is doing the activity through others. This is not a problem. Eventually, he or she will participate. Around age seven, it is fine to encourage participation, but if a child resists, let him be.

A way to encourage is not by asking, “Would you like to join in?” Instead, use the phrase, “Now it is time for you to join in.”

If the child resists, then say, “Okay, I can see you would rather watch. Let me know when you want to join in.”

Receptive children are often neglected because they are so quiet, easygoing, and nondemanding. They also occasionally need to struggle and resist. They need to be gently motivated to do things and be challenged, even though they would rather sleep or stay at home.

You have to give these children a task. Unless they get this kind of help, they may not develop any interests. The security of regular routines, rituals, and rhythm supports them in gradually taking the risks required to do something new.

The responsive child’s not wanting to do something is not a good enough reason not to do it. They will never want to do something new. When they resist doing new things, be gentle and never force participation. Remember, by just watching, they are participating on a level comfortable for them. Persist in giving them occasional opportunities to expand their interests, but don’t push them to participate.

Watching and observing is always good enough.

These children don’t like to be interrupted. They want to keep going to the last detail. Repetition gives them security.

They will resist when you try to stop them, but their resistance is often silent. They hold back tantrums, because they don’t want to cause a problem or be an inconvenience. They have a great fear of disappointing their parents or being rejected.