Children Are from Heaven: Positive Parenting Skills for Raising Cooperative, Confident, and Compassionate Children

MOTHERS AND DAUGHTERS

The most strained or difficult relationship is often between mothers and their adolescent daughters, because often the mother is still trying to control everything in that child’s life.

To add fuel to this fire, daughters may resist their mothers even more because they were too accommodating when younger.

To develop a sense of self, adolescent girls feel a greater need to fight, defy, or rebel against their mother’s control.

When this is the case, using the five skills of positive parenting will teach the mother to maintain control in a healthier way, without having to raise her voice, make demands, express feelings, or use the threat of punishment. Mothers unknowingly create resistance by smothering children with reasons to act or behave differently.

FATHERS AND DAUGHTERS

Fathers often alienate their daughters by giving solutions and not asking enough questions. Men commonly don’t understand the female need to talk and share, even when their daughters are not looking for advice or help. Men mistakenly assume that their job is always to fix things, when much of the time a little girl, teenager, or woman will just want to talk and be heard.

Since fathers tend to be more concerned with providing for the family, they are often less involved with the day-today details of raising the children. Often this gives little girls the message that their father just doesn’t care.

The truth is, a father cares about his daughter’s well being, and that is one of the reasons why he works so hard. At the same time, since he is not involved with the details, he doesn’t care much about the little things. He is concerned about her general well being, but whether she wears jeans and a ponytail or a skirt with matching barrettes is not that important to him.

This is unfortunate, because when he doesn’t care about the details of her life, she gets the message that he doesn’t care about her. To bond with his daughter, a father needs to put in time asking informed questions and to practice listening without always offering advice.

MOTHERS AND SONS

Mothers often lose the respect of their boys by giving too many orders and then caving in when a boy is unwilling to cooperate. Mothers often complain that their boys will not listen to them. This is usually because they are giving too much advice and direction.

Boys generally need more independence and room to experiment than girls do. They have a greater need to prove what they can do on their own. Too much help is interpreted as a lack of trust, and eventually a boy disconnects and stops listening.

Mothers tend to use upset emotions or long lectures to control boys. This common mistake will quickly cause a boy to disconnect from her, and she will have even less control.

When a boy is resistant or uncooperative in response to his mother’s request or command, she must be prepared to face his tantrum and put him in a time out. If she simply gives up or waits for dad to come home, she gives up control.

How a husband treats his wife also makes a big difference in the way a son respects his mother. For example, if the mother has made dinner, and the father doesn’t respect the mother’s will and respond right away when the mother calls out that it is dinnertime, the children learn that they don’t have to either.

Children are always watching and imitating. When the father doesn’t respond to the mother’s requests, it is a clear message that the boys don’t have to listen either. This is another good reason why it is important to keep your complaints about your spouse private. When mom complains about dad’s disrespect in front of the kids, she is unknowingly teaching her children that they don’t have to respect her either.

FATHERS AND SONS

Fathers best bond with their sons through action. By doing things together, a son gets a chance to experience his father’s appreciation, admiration, and assistance. While sons and fathers may not need to talk as much, they do need to bond.

Fathers must be careful not to be too critical with their sons or become frustrated with their sons’ deficiencies. A son needs a clear message from his dad that he is normal and acceptable just the way he is.

Boys are naturally more goal oriented. When a boy fails, he needs to know that he can come to his father for understanding, comfort, and appreciation that he did his best.

Fathers must hold back from always pointing out how the child could have done better. Fathers need to remember that all children are different and learn at different rates. Their job is to find children’s strengths and acknowledge them with praise, pride, and admiration.

As fathers learn to control their sons without the need of punishment, a whole new door opens up for a son to bond with his father. No longer does he have to risk punishment from his father for making mistakes. He is free to go to his father for advice and leadership during all his years at home.

TEENS SECRETLY APPRECIATE LIMITS

Being the boss is different from being your child’s best friend. Teens don’t always like what you finally decide, but they will respect and accept it, and they will secretly appreciate you for it. For teenagers, peer pressure is strong. They can more easily resist temptations by blaming their parents.

Although teens can’t honestly say they will be punished by parents who use positive parenting skills, they can say they’ll get into a lot of trouble with their parents.

Just because positive parenting doesn’t punish kids, children are not free to misbehave without consequences. For teens to gain more freedoms, they have to earn trust. If they prove to be incapable of respecting the limits of their new freedom, then less freedom is given. A parent may temporarily take away a freedom as an adjustment, but not as a punishment.

For example, Tom, a sixteen year old, was allowed to stay out till 1 A.M. on the weekends. Yet he would consistently come home around 2 A.M. He explained that he would just forget, and he didn’t understand why it was such a big deal. His mother, Sarah, explained that at night there is less supervision and one needs to be more mature and responsible. If he could not remember to be home by one, then he was not mature or responsible enough to stay up that late.

Sarah told him that if he were to stay out till 1 A.M., he would have to call home around midnight. This act of responsibility would help him to remember when to come home. Tom continued to forget. After several attempts to solve the problem his mother finally realized that she had made a mistake by giving him too much freedom too soon.

Sarah then said to Tom, “I realize that I made a mistake in letting you stay out till 1 A.M. I know you are doing your best, but I just don’t think you are ready. From now on you can stay out till midnight, and if you do that on time for a while, I will reconsider a 1 A.M. curfew.”

In this way, a freedom was temporarily taken away until Tom earned the necessary trust. Taking away a privilege should only be used as a last resort. Teens should clearly get the message that you have tried a variety of ways to work with them and you have finally concluded that they are just not ready for the increased freedom or privilege.

These kind of adjustments should only occur because parents realize that they were giving too much freedom and that they need to go a little slower. A teen can then gradually earn their trust to have more privileges. Keep in mind that adjusting a teen’s privileges should only be done after you have tried other approaches. Remember if you are punishing your teens, they will not openly come to you for support.

To be in control, parents need to know where their kids are, with whom they are spending time, what they are doing, and who is watching what they are doing. Yet teens often just don’t know where they are going. They want to get out, be together, and do whatever. If they are old enough to drive, then just driving around is enough for them to be happy. A parent wants to know where they will be and teenagers may really not know. With this problem, as with others, creative solutions can be found by making new rules.

If a teen is given permission just to go out with her friends, the new rule may be for her to call in at 10 P.M. or even to wear a pager. If the teen forgets to call or wear the pager, then the new freedom just to go out will be withdrawn until that child can remember to wear a pager or call in at a certain time.

For the next month, the teen is then required to know in advance where she is going, but she is also given the opportunity to practice calling home at 10 P.M. or wearing a pager.

Once she proves she can remember, then the freedom just to go out is given again.

When a curfew is extended, some parents have their kids call in at certain times to talk to them and to make sure they are okay. It is helpful for teens to know their parents may call and talk to them at anytime. This is another deterrent against taking drugs or getting into trouble.

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR CHILD TAKES DRUGS

If children are caught taking drugs, or you have reason to believe they may be taking drugs, but deny it, then drug testing should be considered. Random drug testing has been very effective to ensure that your kids don’t take drugs. Any school counselor will teach you how to administer the test.

The peer pressure to take drugs is so great that the possibility of being caught by the test is an added deterrent. Being able to say that their parents may test them gives teens more support to say no to their peers about drugs.

It is never appropriate to ground a child for days, weeks, or months. The longer they are grounded, the more they turn off to wanting to cooperate. Instead of being the parent, you become the enemy. When dealing with difficult behavior problems, parents need to listen more and get their kids to talk. Instead of telling children why they are wrong, ask more probing questions like:

Why do you think I don’t want you to take drugs?

What do you think about that?

What is your experience of taking drugs?

What have you heard about the effects of drugs?

What do you think about it?

What do you think I could do to help you to not take drugs?

What more do you want from me?

Getting teens to talk helps them find out what they think. When kids get a chance to share their opinions, then they are more respecting of you. Even if a child’s opinion is different from the parent’s, a parent needs to be accepting, but still command a teen to do what the parent requires. At all ages, children will have different wants and, ultimately, when these are heard they are willing to follow your lead.

They may not like it, but they will cooperate.

DEALING WITH DISRESPECTFUL LANGUAGE

One mother asked how long her sixteen year old should be grounded for speaking abusively to her. The mother wanted to know if two weeks was fair. I instructed her just to give a time out the next time it happened. Since her teenager had not been raised with time outs and could only be controlled by punishment, the mother thought her daughter would just laugh at her.

Since the child was not accustomed to positive parenting at all, I suggested that she should give her daughter more time for the first few time outs. Instead of sixteen minutes, I suggested two hours. Her mother still thought her daughter would just laugh. She said, “Two hours is nothing compared to what she deserves.”

I reminded this mother that her daughter never deserved to be punished. As a parent, she felt that way only because she was raised that way and didn’t really know another way to control and teach her daughter correct behavior and manners.

Eventually, this mother was willing to give it a try, even though she was still convinced that her daughter would laugh at her.

I explained that the reason her daughter was so disrespectful was that she was out of control. To learn to express respectful behavior, her child just needed to come back into control. When given a time out, the child would have an opportunity to feel that she was being controlled.

The next time the mother got into a big argument with her daughter, instead of allowing it to escalate into something even more ugly, the mother wisely paused and simply said, “It is not okay for you to talk to me this way. I am your mother, and I want you to respect me. I want you to take a time out. I want you to go to your room for two hours. During that time, you can’t come out. In addition, during that two hours you can’t talk on the phone to your friends.”

The mother was surprised when her daughter reacted with outrage. The daughter said, “How dare you tell me what to do. I will not take a time out. You can’t tell me what to do. I hate you. You are a . . .”

The mother, unable to pick her daughter up and put her in a time out, just continued to command her daughter. She repeated her command a few more times. The daughter eventually went to her room, kicking the walls and screaming profanities with every step. When the girl tried to engage her mother in more arguing, the mother just repeated the command, “I want you to take a time out for two hours. During that time you are not allowed to use your phone.”

The mother was in a state of disbelief. She could not imagine that just a two-hour time out would bring up so much resistance. At the end of the two hours, her daughter came out and apologized for being so rude and mean to her mother.

Using a time out worked immediately in their family.

Once again, this approach worked so well because, the parent just needed to establish control so that the child could to feel their bond and connection. A parent doesn’t need to ground a child for days or weeks in order to establish control. When a child is grounded, a parent actually loses all control. For children today, punishments are counterproductive and actually weaken parents’ influence and control over their children and teens.

PERMISSION TO SPEAK FREELY

Around the age of twelve, my daughter Lauren started swearing occasionally. Each time, I would calmly ask her to use more polite language. One day she began to resist me. She replied that I sometimes used swear words — why couldn’t she?

I explained that as an adult I knew when and where to use them and that as a child she didn’t. She also didn’t know when such language was appropriate and when it was not. Before she would be free to use swear words, she would first have to learn to control herself and hold back until she could find the appropriate time and place.

At first she was very resistant. She said everyone else swore at school, and she should be able to as well. Feeling the new freedom of a preteen, she challenged me.

She said, “I don’t want to stop.”

I countered by simply making my request again. I told her, “I understand all the other kids use swear words, and it is not polite.”

LAUREN: I will not stop, and you can’t make me stop.

ME: I know I can’t control what you do when I am not with you. I can’t stop you from swearing with your friends, but I can stop you from swearing in front of me. Around me, I want you to use polite words.

LAUREN: And what if I don’t? What are you going to do about it?

ME: I will just ask you to stop and remind you that I don’t want you to swear. I want you to use polite language.

LAUREN: And what if I don’t?

ME: If you continue, then you will have to take a time out.

That was the end of the discussion. We both had an unfriendly attitude for the rest of the evening, but then it was forgotten. She was clearly testing the limits of the new power and freedom of being in the middle school and was just getting used to the part of herself that wanted to challenge me.

A few days later, she swore again. By this time, we had both had time to think about this new challenge. When she got in the car, she began swearing about someone she found frustrating. My response was the same, “Lauren, I don’t want you to use that language around me.”

She said, “Daddy, it’s hard not to swear. All the kids do it. I feel like it builds up inside me, and I have to get it out. I don’t know what to do.”

I told her, “I’ve been thinking about this and think I have a good compromise. I just want you to do your best to be polite. If you feel the need to get it out sometimes, I will give you permission to swear when you need to but to make sure you learn to control your swearing you’ll have to ask for permission. You know how in the movie Star Trek the crew asks the captain for permission to speak freely? If you ask me first, then I will determine if it is an appropriate time to speak so freely.”

Since that time, this creative solution has worked wonderfully. When she feels she has to say something mean or not nice, she immediately whispers in my ear with a little smile, “Permission to speak freely?” If I agree, she then happily speaks out her swear words or mean comments. In this way, she learned to control her inner feelings and speak politely when that was required.

MAKING DECISIONS

Another area in which parents give up control is by letting their children make too many decisions. When children are given too much independence before the age of nine, they are easily wounded by making the wrong choices or decisions. When parents let them make their own decisions, if the outcome is not desirable children begin to doubt their ability to make decisions and become insecure. This insecurity can last a lifetime, causing an adult to be indecisive or unable to make a lasting commitment.

When parents are in control, until they are nine years old children should never be responsible for making choices or decisions. Certainly, they can voice their wants, wishes, needs, and feelings but the parent should make the decision.

Even up to puberty, a parent should still make most of the decisions. When a child says, “Do I have to go?” the answer should usually be yes.

When parents directly ask their children what they want or how they feel about something, even though the parents are making the final decision, children may get the impression that they are in control and not the parent. Positive parenting skills promote listening and considering children’s feelings and wants, but they don’t encourage parents to ask for them directly.

Certainly, some asking is fine, but it is better when children express their feelings on their own or in resistance to your control. Instead of asking, “How do you feel about not going to the park?” a wise parent says, “You look upset that you can’t go to the park.” By not asking, a parent does not give a child the message that his or her feelings control situations, and too much attention is not put on the child. Children are not ready for this kind of control until they are nine years old.

THE CYCLES OF SEVEN

During the first seven years, children are primarily dependent on the parents or primary caretaker to develop a sense of self. During the next seven years (ages seven to fourteen), children are still dependent on parents, but a shift takes place and they become more dependent on siblings, relatives, and friends to determine a positive sense of self.

During the third cycle of seven years (ages fourteen to twenty-one), teenagers and young adults look to peers and others with similar goals or expertise in achieving their goals to help define and develop a sense of self.

The first stage is a time of getting what they need from their parents or primary caretakers. In the second stage, they develop a sense of self by interacting with others in a safe environment. Children’s greatest need is to play and have fun. This is a time when parents should try to make things as fun, safe, and easy as possible. When children have learned how to get what they need in the first seven years and how to have a good time in the second stage, then they are ready to work hard and discipline themselves in the third stage.

It is a mistake to push children too hard in the first fourteen years. This is the time when they are supposed to learn how to be happy. The ability to be happy is one of life’s most important skills. Happiness doesn’t come from the outer world, it comes from within. It is a skill. Happy people are happy, regardless of the outer circumstances.

Many parents push their children to grow up too soon because they want their children to be happy in life. They don’t realize happiness is a skill learned during the second stage. No matter how successful children may become in life, if they haven’t learned to be happy early on, they won’t be happy.

Happiness is learned through play. From the age of seven to fourteen, children should be encouraged to play and have a good time. With this basis, they will be ready to work hard in school to prepare for working hard in the world. Too much pressure to make good grades or do chores around the house can prevent children from developing the ability to be happy and enjoy their lives. When children experience that learning and chores are fun, they will not only be happier in life but they will enjoy their work and continue learning for the rest of their lives.

In the third cycle of seven, from fourteen to twenty-one, teens have a much greater need to get the support of other teens. This is when peer pressure dramatically increases. If parents have not nurtured a strongly felt connection by means of good communication skills, their teens will turn to their peers for support and will be at risk of being influenced by the wrong element.

WHY TEENS REBEL

In stage three, it is natural for teens to seek out the support of other teens, but, in doing this, they don’t have to stop feeling their need for parental and family support as well. When children are raised with positive parenting skills, teens don’t need to rebel in order to develop a sense of self. At each stage of development, they have already experienced the freedom to be themselves. As a result, they have no need to rebel.

To resist unhealthy pressure from other teens, your teen needs to feel connected at home. This is accomplished not by increased control, but by applying the five skills of positive parenting. Teens need someone they can come to for understanding, acceptance, advice, and direction. They will only seek out their parents’ support if parents know how to give them what they need.

Many teens today are rebellious because parents have used fear-based parenting skills. As soon as parents stop using punishment and other fear-based parenting skills and begin adopting positive-parenting skills, the need to rebel goes away. Even positive-parenting skills will not work if parents continue to control too much. Parents of teens are still required to give their teens more and more freedom. If not enough freedom is given, then once again their teens may rebel. To decrease resistance in teens, parents must always balance freedom and control.

IMPROVING COMMUNICATION WITH TEENS

With teens, parents must be careful to not offer unsolicited advice. Teens have just developed their ability to think abstractly and form their own opinions. They now have the ability to consider another’s point of view, but first they need to have someone to hear and consider their opinions. Even if they ask you what you think, don’t answer before first asking them what they think.

Taking time to have conversations with teens on other topics besides what you want them to do will minimize their need to resist your control. At this stage, they need to argue and express their unique or different opinions. Talk with them about what they are studying in history and social studies and hear their opinions.

Teens need to assert a different point of view. Even when you don’t agree with their point of view, you can at least appreciate their logic. You might say, “I would never have thought of that,” or “Well, I don’t agree, but that sure makes good sense,” or “That’s the good thing about America, everyone has the right to his own opinion.”

Even when you don’t agree with their point of view, you can at least appreciate their logic.

Give your teens the opportunity to experience your open-mindedness in another context besides the issue of how late they can stay out. They will learn that it is okay to disagree and have different opinions through your appreciation of their logic and opinions. This is an important experience. If you are open to their opinions, they will not be so demanding when it comes to expecting more freedom than they are ready for.

Unless given the opportunity to disagree about current events, they will feel a need to disagree with you personally.

Resistant teens don’t want to be told what to do. Before using the command skills of asserting leadership, parents first need to hear the logic of a teen’s objections. A parent can then say, “I understand you think you should be able to get a tattoo. I hear that everyone else is doing it. I will consider what you are saying, but right now I want you to wait until you are eighteen to decide about getting a tattoo.”

Teens have a much greater sense of justice and fairness than younger children. When parents behave like dictators, teens are sure to rebel. Listening and working together to decide about how much freedom a teen should be allowed will strengthen the bond between parents and teens.

Before giving a command, parents should first ask for cooperation, listen to the teen’s resistance, and respect the teen’s opinion. Then parents can express what they want, which might sound like this, “I understand you believe this is not fair. You want to spend time with your friends, and I want you to be here to see your cousins. I know you don’t want to do this, but this is important to me. I want you to be there. I want you to be friendly and polite to them for two hours, and then you are free to go.”

RESPECT YOUR TEEN’S OPINIONS

It is always best to move teenagers in the direction of forming and expressing their own opinions regarding why you want certain things, but not why you feel what you feel. It is not healthy to ask, “Do you know how that makes me feel?”

Expressing your feelings will just have the effect of making the child stop listening or feel guilty. Most kids today will hear a guilt trip and turn the other direction. Remember children up to age eighteen depend on parents; they are not responsible for how parents feel, though they can develop an understanding of why you want what you want. When a teen resists your requests, rather than lecture, get him or her to talk. Ask, “Why do you think I want you to do this?”

To maintain control parents should make sure that they don’t expect their children to agree with them. Teenagers especially need the freedom to think differently and form their own opinions. This is an important stage of their development. If you don’t demand obedience or agreement, they don’t have to rebel. With positive parenting, it is okay to disagree, but always remember that, in the end, mom and dad are still the bosses.

Parents need to remember that it is more important to keep their children talking to them than alienating them by giving too much advice or criticism. Parents need to be sensitive to feel when their children are really asking for advice and when they are testing them to see if they can still talk to them.

If your teen comes home from school telling stories about kids breaking the rules, behaving disrespectful, or engaging in inappropriate sex, parents have to be careful to exercise restraint and not immediately begin preaching, teaching, correcting, or threatening.

In each of the following examples, notice what your first reaction would be, and then reflect on another way you could respond that would ensure that your teen continues to talk with you:

• Harry was cheating today on his math test.

• Tina was cussing out her boyfriend right in front of everyone.

• Chris was skipping class and making out in the audio-visual room today.

• I hit Roger today when he kept pulling on my hair.

• I think Mr. Richards is really stupid and boring. He expects way too much from us.

• Susan was really tired today. She stayed out all last night getting stoned.

When teens make these or similar statements they are testing to see if they can really talk, or if you are going to begin preaching, teaching, controlling, or correcting them or their friends. Instead of reacting directly, parents first need to ask the teen what he or she thinks. Then the parent could ask, “What do you think I think about that?” Remember teens will keep talking to you if you keep listening to what they think.

If a parent immediately begins correcting a teen’s thinking and behavior or starts calling other parents and teachers to address the problem, the teen will stop talking. Instead of reacting to solve the problem, parents need first to stop and hold back from giving advice. Keep listening, and try to remember some of the things you did as a teenager.

It is more important to keep the lines of communication open than to do anything about problems. To maintain influence over your teens, they must feel their connection, and that occurs primarily when they feel heard by their parents.

After hearing about the events of the day, sometimes something may need to be done. Maybe a particular child is having inappropriate sex or speaking in a mean way and their parents should be warned. Parents must be careful to not just take action and do something about it. They should first ask their teen what they think should be done about it. By listening to what your teen thinks should be done, then they will be more receptive to what you think. If something needs to be done, the two of you can figure out together an appropriate action.

When the lines of communication are broken, your teen is at risk of being influenced by peers who are clearly out of control or not a healthy influence. If some teen is being mean to your teen, but your child doesn’t want you to call their parents, in most cases it is best to respect your teen’s wishes. The teen knows, and you should know, that if you violate her trust and use the information she shares in a way she feels is unfair or unsupportive of her, she will simply stop sharing.

SENDING YOUR TEEN AWAY

Sometimes a spoiled teenager needs more than time in his room. Sometimes time spent with supervision in a developing country, staying with a favorite aunt, uncle, or grandparent, or in the woods with a guide will help him to regain his true self and his need for someone else to be the boss. Getting away from the family on supervised activities that are challenging for a teen can dramatically improve his attitude.

By feeling out of control and depending on someone else, a teenager can come back to feeling her basic need for guidance and support. A button gets pushed again that awakens in her a need for her parents’ love and her desire to cooperate and please them.

Having an after-school job outside of the home, taking private lessons, or being on a team are great opportunities for a teen to feel his need to be taught, directed, and supervised.

Teens need the guidance of someone outside the family. If they are not getting the guidance of a boss at work, a teacher, or a coach they are more at risk of following a misdirected teen. To maintain control at home, make sure your teen is getting supervision and direction outside the home as well.

INSTEAD OF “DON’T” USE “I WANT”

Before children have developed logical thought, around the age of nine, it is counterproductive to use the word “don’t.”

When you say “don’t run,” children will form an inner picture of themselves running. Instead of slowing down they have a greater urge to run. Children learn through pictures. When children picture something in their mind’s eye, action is soon to follow. It is as if they don’t even hear the word “don’t.”

Right now, try not to think about the color blue. By trying not to think about blue, you are forced to think about it.

When you tell a child, “Don’t hit your brother,” he is now seeing himself hit his brother. Using the word “don’t” actually makes it more difficult for the child to cooperate.

Telling children “Don’t play with your food” creates in their mind’s eye a picture of themselves playing with their food and actually increases their impulse and desire to play with their food. When given the opportunity, this urge comes up later and they begin mashing things up with their food.

Quite often a parent will ask a child something like this, “I told you don’t throw balls in the house. Why did you throw that ball in the house?” In this case, a child’s honest answer is, “I don’t know.” Sometimes they really don’t know why they threw the ball.

With this insight, parents can give up the word “don’t.”

If they forget and a “don’t” pops out, then a parent can easily rectify the message. By rephrasing their request or command in the positive, the intended picture will get created. If you happen to say “don’t run,” then adjust the “don’t” and say, “I want you to slow down and walk.”

ASKING YOUR CHILDREN WHAT THEY THINK

Around the age of nine, children begin to develop the capacity for logical thinking. It is appropriate for parents to begin asking their children what they think. If a child asks for ice cream in the afternoon, the parent can say: “What do you think? Is that a good idea?”

Besides asking children more about what they think they should do, parents can also begin explaining the reasons why they want their children to do things. Before age nine, children really can’t understand logical thought. Saying “I want you to go to bed now” is best for kids up to age nine, and then a parent can say, “I want you to go to bed by nine o’clock so that you will be well rested in the morning.”

These are some examples of requests for children nine years old and older:

Would you please be quiet? Right now, I want you to listen because then I can explain what we are going to do.

Would you please stop hitting your sister? I want you to use your words. Hitting hurts her and makes her not want to play with you.

Would you please help me? I want you to bring your plate over to the sink, because doing dishes is a big job and it is so much easier with your help.

Would you please clean up this mess? I want you put your toys away, because when you leave them out someone could trip on them. The room looks so much nicer when you put your things away.

Would you please straighten up your room? I want you to put your things away. When you put things away, then you know where to find them again.

If a child under the age of nine asks “why” he or she should do things, then it is fine to answer with some reasons, but not if the child is resistant. Parents should keep in mind that children younger than nine really don’t have the ability to comprehend or put into practice logic or reason.

A parent should motivate the behavior of children under the age of nine without reasons to back up the request. When children resist direction, the only reason a child should cooperate is because he is the child, you are the boss, and you want him to cooperate. Remember that, deep inside every child, his prime directive is to cooperate with your will and wish.

THE CHALLENGE OF PARENTING

Parenting has always been a challenge, but positive parenting is an even greater challenge. Although it takes extra time and effort in the beginning to learn, it is well worth it. In the long run, not only does parenting become easier, but your children benefit as well. As your children move through their different stages of growth, you will be prepared at each turn.

As you apply the new skills of positive parenting, you will occasionally trip and fall, but everyone does. Soon you will feel confident and at peace, because you will know you are giving your children what they need. You cannot change their inner destiny or take away their unique problems, but you can give them the required parental support to face adversity and achieve increasing success.

As with any new skill, there is a learning curve. Before it gets easier, it becomes more difficult. As soon as you think you have it working, there is a setback, and you don’t know what to do. When your approach doesn’t seem to be working, or you don’t know what to do, that is the time to review Children Are from Heaven. In a short time, you will rediscover what you forgot. By once again applying the five skills of positive parenting, you will be back on track.

Even if you do everything right, remember that children are not perfect. They need to make mistakes and experience setbacks. They need problems and challenges in life to forge their unique character and set of strengths. Although your support is greatly needed, they come into this world with what they need to learn their lessons and do what they are here to do.

Just as you can’t expect your children to be perfect, don’t expect yourself to be perfect either. Making mistakes is a part of growing up, and it is a part of successful parenting.

Children cannot grow strong if everything is too easy.

Children cannot accept their imperfections if they haven’t had many opportunities to forgive their parents for their mistakes and imperfections.

THE GIFTS OF GREATNESS

By giving your children the freedom to discover and express their true selves, you give them the gifts of greatness. All great individuals, thinkers, artists, scientists, and leaders in history were able to say no to past conventions and to think creatively. They had dreams and were able to follow their dreams. When others opposed them or did not believe in them, they had the strength to believe in themselves.

Greatness is always forged through opposition. Every success story is filled with examples of having to push ahead against others. By means of the process of saying no to others or resisting common ways of thinking and not blindly conforming, creativity and greatness can emerge.

Each of the five messages of positive parenting supports the development of a strong sense of self and contains a special gift of greatness. They are:

1. Permission to be different, which enables children to discover, appreciate, and develop their unique inner potential and purpose.

2. Permission to make mistakes, which enables children to self-correct, learn from their mistakes, and achieve greater success.

3. Permission to express negative emotions, which teaches children to manage their emotions and develop a feeling awareness that makes them more confident, compassionate, and cooperative.

4. Permission to want more, which helps children develop a healthy sense of what they deserve and the skill of delayed gratification. They are able to want more, and yet be happy with what they have.

5. Permission to say no, which enables children to exercise their will and to define a true and positive sense of self.

This freedom strengthens children’s mind, heart, and will and develops a greater awareness of what they want, feel, and think. This permission to resist authority is at the basis of all the positive-parenting skills.

I hope this practical parenting guide helps you be the best leader for your children. Being a parent is difficult, but as we all know it is the most rewarding job one can have. To make your job easier, seek out the support of other parents who are also using positive-parenting skills.

Let this guide help you on your journey. May your children grow up confident, cooperative, and compassionate.

May they be successful in both the outer world and their inner world. May their material dreams come true, and may they always experience lasting love in their family and friendships.