Children Are from Heaven: Positive Parenting Skills for Raising Cooperative, Confident, and Compassionate Children

GENDER DIFFERENCES

Gender differences show up more strongly at adolescence, but clearly, from day one, boys will be boys and girls will be girls.

Every child, regardless of gender, has his or her own unique balance of male and female characteristics. Acceptance is important.

Quite often, a mother or father will tend to assume that what is right for her or him is right for their child. This is a mistake. By recognizing common gender differences, it becomes easier to accept and respect certain behaviors and needs that seem foreign. We should not assume that what works for us will always work for our children.

A lack of understanding gender differences can also prevent mothers from appreciating what their mates have to offer and vice versa. Quite often, the mother will instinctively know what is best for a girl, but not for a boy. A father will instinctively know what is best for a boy, but not for a girl. This is because we tend to give our children what we would want or need and not necessarily what they need.

Unless educated about differences, people commonly assume that others should react and behave the way they do.

With an awareness of possible differences, we don’t immediately assume that something is wrong when others don’t react or respond to life the way we would.

DIFFERENT NEEDS FOR TRUST AND CARING

Boys in general will have special needs that are not as important for girls. Likewise, girls will have needs that may not be that important for boys. Of course, the most important need is love. But love is shown in many different ways. A parent demonstrates love primarily by caring and trusting.

Caring is a willingness to be there for your children, an interest in their well being as well as in who they are, a desire for their happiness and empathy for their pain. Caring is the in-your-face kind of love.

Trust is a recognition that everything is okay; it is an awareness and belief in your children’s ability to succeed and learn from their mistakes; it is an open willingness to let things unfold assuming that everything will be okay. Trust assumes that your child is always doing his or her best even when it doesn’t look that way. It gives freedom and space for children to do for themselves.

Certainly, every child needs caring and trust, but in different doses. Too much of a good thing is too much. Up until the age of nine, all children need more caring and a little less trust. After the age of nine, children naturally begin to pull away and become more independent. You can tell a child needs to pull away when he or she starts feeling embarrassed by your behaviors.

Around the age of nine, children begin to develop a sense of self as separate from the parent. This is the time of self-consciousness. From this time on up to age eighteen, children have a greater need for trust, although caring is still important.

Regardless of age, boys need trust more while girls need caring. A boy tends to feel good about himself when he does something on his own. When he can take credit, he feels more confident and proud. For example, he may willfully resist his mother’s help in tying his shoes, so that he can get credit and assume responsibility for himself. On the other hand, a girl may feel more loved if you offer to help. Offering to help is a gesture of caring, while letting a boy do it himself is a gesture of trust.

When a mother is too caring for a boy’s particular need, he easily interprets her behavior as an indication that “she doesn’t trust me to do it myself.” When a father is too trusting of a girl’s ability to handle things, she can feel that he is not caring enough. When a girl gets too much space, she may feel rejected, hurt, or abandoned. A boy, however, may thrive feeling that his parents recognize his competence and trust in his ability to take care of himself or to do the right things.

Mothers often weaken their sons by worrying too much or smothering them with concern, while fathers often neglect their daughters’ need for caring and attention by giving lots of space, trusting girls to handle things on their own. Parents need to understand that boys form a positive sense of self based on the trust they get, while girls develop a positive sense of self based on the interest and caring attention they get in the relationship.

CONTINUING TO TRUST AND CARE

The biggest challenge in life for women is to trust again after they have been hurt, while for men it is to remain motivated or to continue caring. In response to difficulties in a relationship, women most often complain, “I don’t get what I need” (that is, “I can’t trust him to give me what I need”), while men complain that “nothing I do makes her happy so why bother” (that is, “I just don’t care anymore”). Women most often complain, “He doesn’t care any more,” and men complain, “She is too hard to please, so I stopped caring.”

These different tendencies begin in childhood. Girls and boys come into this world equally trusting and caring. As they experience neglect or the pain of unmet needs and wants, boys often react by caring less, while girls react by trusting less. The challenge for parents is to give a girl extra doses of caring, understanding, and respect so they may continue trusting. On the other hand, the challenge for parents is to give a boy extra doses of trust, acceptance, and appreciation to keep him motivated.

A girl has a greater need to feel that she can trust her parents to be there and understand her feelings, wishes, and needs.

This is her need to be vulnerable and dependent on others. She needs to feel safe in depending on her parents for support. This need is often met by sharing feelings and asking for help.

When she is in pain, she needs to know that her parents will be there for her with lots of caring. When she gets the caring she requires, then she can feel trust and remain open. A trusting girl is a happy and fulfilled girl. Safety is essential for a girl to develop her gifts and talents. Otherwise, she feels unworthy, resistant to support, and unlovable.

Sometimes if she feels powerless to get what she needs, a girl may suppress her feminine vulnerabilities and become more like a boy, needing more space, trust, acceptance, and appreciation. For this girl, it is too painful to need the caring and not get it, so she denies her female side and her male side emerges with its needs.

This does not mean that a girl with more masculine traits is always wounded on her female side. It could also be that she has an active temperament, which may make her appear more masculine. Though they behave more like boys, tomboys are still girls. They still need extra caring, understanding, and respect.

Certainly, a boy needs caring, understanding, and respect to feel safe and trusting, but more important for him is motivation. He needs to be motivated, otherwise he stops caring.

When a boy stops caring, he becomes bored, unmanageable, and may have learning problems. When he is not motivated, he will lose his focus and either become depressed or hyperactive. A boy has a greater need to be motivated.

For a boy to care, he needs to be motivated by success and rewards. He needs to receive the clear message that he can and does make his parents happy. When he is successful in making his parents happy, he continues to be motivated, otherwise he becomes weak and uncaring. Positive rewards for right behaviors are clear signals to him that he has succeeded as well.

While offering help to a girl may make her feel special and cared for, a boy may take it as an insult. Offering to help him may imply that you don’t trust him to do what is required. Sometimes the most caring thing you can do for a boy is to give him lots of space to do something on his own.

Even if that means he will fail, trust that he will learn his lesson. And please remember, if he does fail, don’t tell him, “I told you so.”

Of course, a girl needs to feel trusted, accepted, and appreciated as well, but, for a little boy to be motivated, he often needs much bigger doses of these. A boy cares more when he is viewed as competent and acceptable just the way he is. Megadoses of trust make a boy feel competent. The “super fuel” to be motivated is appreciation. When a boy feels acknowledged for what he does, he is motivated to do more. There is no greater motivator than success itself.

BOYS ARE FROM MARS, GIRLS ARE FROM VENUS

Understanding that boys have different needs helps parents (especially mothers) make the correct adjustments in giving them what they need. Likewise, by understanding a girl’s special needs, parents (especially fathers) make the correct adjustments in giving their daughter what she needs. It is not enough just to love our children and give them what we would want or need most, we must adjust our gifts of loving support to meet their particular needs. Remembering that boys (like men) are from Mars, and girls (like women) are from Venus makes parenting a whole lot easier.

Sometimes if a boy feels powerless to get the trust, acceptance, and appreciation he needs, he may suppress his more masculine characteristics and vulnerabilities and become more like a girl, needing to feel cared for, understood, and respected.

For this boy, it is too painful to continue needing trust and not getting it, so he denies his masculine side and his female side emerges with its needs. When he is smothered with caring, he may react by becoming more needy; wanting to feel cared for instead of needing space.

This doesn’t mean that a boy with more feminine traits is always wounded on his male side. It could also be that he has a more sensitive temperament, and in many ways appears more feminine. Sensitive boys often have more feminine hormones and lower levels of male hormones, so naturally they express more feminine tendencies.

Some research has shown that gay men, gifted men, and many left-handed men have significant brain differences from other men. Their brains, like most women’s brains, will tend to have billions more neural connectors between the two brain hemispheres. These differences in the brain, coupled with hormone differences, are partially responsible for the making some boys more sensitive. Although these more sensitive boys have more feminine attributes, they are still boys and they still need extra trust, acceptance, and appreciation.

Here are some simple points to jog your memory to remember boys are from Mars and girls are from Venus:

Boys Are from Mars: Boys need more love, attention, and acknowledgment regarding what they do, their ability to do it without help, and the difference they make.

Girls Are from Venus: Girls need more love, attention, and acknowledgment regarding who they are, what they feel, and what they want.

Boys Are from Mars: Boys need to be admired for what they do more. Acknowledge what he does.

Girls Are from Venus: Girls need to be cherished more for who they are. Praise who she is.

Boys Are from Mars: Boys have a greater need to be motivated and encouraged.

Girls Are from Venus: Girls have a greater need for your assistance and reassurance.

Boys Are from Mars: A boy or man is happiest when he feels that he is needed and can provide the support that is needed. He becomes depressed when he feels he is not needed or he is incompetent to complete the task ahead of him.

Girls Are from Venus: A girl or woman is happiest when she feels that she can get the support she needs. She becomes depressed when she feels that she can’t get the support she needs and has to do everything herself.

Boys Are from Mars: Boys primarily need trust, acceptance, and appreciation in order to be caring and assertive.

Girls Are from Venus: Girls primarily need caring, understanding, and respect in order to be trusting and motivated.

MR. FIX-IT

The most common mistake fathers make is to offer solutions instead of empathy when their children are upset and need to express their resistance to life. Men love to solve problems and often pride themselves on being a “Mr. Fix-It.” Fathers don’t remember that sometimes children just want someone to understand why they are upset rather than to be offered a solution to feel better right away. When children always get solutions, they eventually stop sharing their inner world.

On Mars, they talk about problems when they are looking for solutions, otherwise their attitude is to not talk. “If there is nothing you can do about it, then just forget it.” On Venus it is the opposite. Their attitude is: “If there is nothing you can do, then at least we can talk about it.” Men generally don’t understand or even comprehend that women can get great pleasure from sharing their pain. On Mars, it may seem inexplicable, but on Venus it is a common experience.

In a similar manner, fathers tend to ignore their children’s problems by offering solutions or making light of them, not realizing that they now feel put down or minimized. Once my daughter explained why she didn’t like being helped with math homework by one of my friends.

She said, “Whenever I have a problem, he says, ‘That’s simple.’ It makes me feel like I am stupid for not knowing.”

When parents don’t sympathize or listen to their children’s resistance to life, children misinterpret our intent. When parents have easy solutions, children may feel as if something is wrong with them or they are making too big a deal out of something, rather than feeling safe and nurtured. Before children even consider how upset they should be, they should first feel safe to experience their emotions. When parents restrain themselves from offering quick fixes, children get the trust and caring they need.

Here are some things a father may say that may invalidate children’s vulnerable feelings:

Don’t worry about it.

It’s no big deal.

So what’s the point?

This is not that difficult.

It’s not so bad.

These things happen.

That’s ridiculous.

This is what you should do.

Just do something else.

Just do it.

I don’t get it.

Get to the point.

It’ll be okay.

It’s not so important.

Just deal with it.

What do you want me to do?

Why are you telling me?

With a greater awareness of how they may unknowingly invalidate their children’s feelings, fathers can more effectively give the support that girls and boys need. Although women can relate to wanting their husbands to listen, they often forget to listen to their children sometimes. Instead of giving children room to be upset or disappointed, they too will try to fix it.

It is fine to be a problem solver when that is what your children are asking for. In most cases, a parent needs to listen longer and say less to have their children share more and listen more. By giving up trying to solve your children’s problems, your job will be easier, and your children will be happier.

MRS. HOME IMPROVEMENT

The most common mistake mothers make is to offer unsolicited advice when children misbehave, make mistakes, or appear to need help. Women love to improve things in life and around the home. It is not that men don’t want to improve things, but a man’s attitude is “fix it only when it breaks, otherwise leave it alone.”

When a woman loves a man, her tendency to become “Mrs. Home Improvement” gets focused on him. He often resists her unsolicited questions and advice. When a woman becomes a mother, she then focuses her home improvement tendencies on her children. She needs to remember that just as children don’t need to be fixed, they also don’t need to be improved.

When a mother worries too much or offers too much advice, it smothers children with caring and deprives them of the trust they need. Boys particularly are more harmed by a mother’s tendency to worry, correct, and give advice. A good rule of thumb is, for every correction, make sure you have caught and acknowledged your child for doing something right three times. Three positives to one negative is a good ratio.

Even better than directly correcting children with advice is simply to direct them into the correct behavior. Instead of saying, “You should be nice to your sister,” say instead, “Would you be nice to your sister? I want you both to get along.”

By giving children a new direction, you are focusing on success and not on what they did wrong. By focusing on what you want and the opportunity to do that, children’s resistance is lessened. Then when the child is ready for explanations, he or she will ask and be receptive.

These are some examples:

You left your plate on the table.

Would you bring your plate over to the sink?

Don’t yell in the house.

Please use your inside voice, or (for older kids), Please don’t yell.

Your room is still a mess.

Would you please clean up your room?

Your shoes are untied.

Would you please tie your shoelaces?

I’ve been waiting here for thirty minutes. If you are going to be late, send me a message or call.

If you know you are going to be late, would you send me a message or give me call? I have been waiting thirty minutes.

If you were more organized, you would not have forgotten.

Please take some extra time to get organized and then maybe you won’t forget.

Using the five skills of positive parenting to create cooperation frees women from the need to lecture or correct their children. Children naturally learn what is right and good by successfully doing what they are asked to do.

When a mother corrects a child or gives unsolicited advice, the message the child receives is that he or she is not good enough or something is wrong with him or her. The child will feel cared for, but will not feel trusted. As an adult, this child may feel loved by his mother, but not understand why he or she has so much fear or lack of confidence to take risks.

WHEN ADVICE IS GOOD

It is not that advice is wrong. When children are clearly asking for advice, then it is very helpful. The big problem is that mothers give too much advice and, as a result, their children stop listening. It is particularly counterproductive to give good advice when your child is resisting. This means that the child will gradually build up walls against asking for advice when he or she needs it. Giving advice is good when a child is asking for it. If you don’t smother children with advice, they will ask for it more as they get older.

Boys are more sensitive to getting solutions than girls. A girl will resist more and continue to share herself, while a boy loses all motivation. When a father or mother gives a boy unsolicited advice, he stops sharing his problems, stops asking questions, and, even more important, stops listening.

Mothers seek to give advice so that their children don’t suffer the same problems over and over. This well-meaning support just shuts a boy down. Then the mother’s biggest complaint is that “he won’t tell me anything” and “he won’t listen.” Mothers need to trust more that their children can and will learn on their own or that they will ask.

BOYS FORGET AND GIRLS REMEMBER

A big difference between boys and girls is that boys forget and girls remember. Often a mother becomes overly frustrated because she expects a boy to remember things she has asked. A father often becomes frustrated because his daughter will tend to talk more about problems than he thinks is really necessary. Let’s explore why these differences commonly show up.

Men and boys deal with stress by becoming more focused on one thing: one big problem to be solved or one big task at hand. The more stress they have, the more they tend to forget everything but the task at hand. A man can be so focused at work that he easily forgets that it is his birthday, his anniversary, or even his child’s birthday.

Women often misunderstand this difference and misinterpret a man’s forgetfulness as not caring. When she is stressed, she is inclined to remember more. It is hard for a woman to forget important things and responsibilities when she is under stress. This is why, after a stressful day, a woman often wants to remember and talk about her day, while a man would rather forget all responsibilities and watch TV or read the newspaper.

This kind of focused activity is most relaxing for him, while a woman wants to expand, talk about her day, remember the details, and then let go. A man lets go by forgetting what was stressful, while a woman lets go by remembering.

This basic difference explains why men and women misunderstand each other so much of the time. Understanding this difference not only makes our relationships easier, but also helps us to understand and support our children better.

Much of the time, when a little girl appears to be complaining, she really needs time to remember and talk about her day. This helps a father to understand why he should not just wait for the point and then give a solution. A girl needs time, attention, and her father’s focus on each word. By giving her his full attention instead of just pretending to listen, she will get her need satisfied.

A girl literally needs her father’s full attention to get through and release the stress of her day. In applying the skills of positive parenting, parents need to make sure they don’t jump to rewards or giving a time out. A girl needs more time to share and express her resistance. Talking is one of the best ways a girl releases stress of the day.

Often, when a little boy forgets to do what a mother has asked, the mother feels he is just not listening. In many cases he has listened, but he has then forgotten. When a boy is stressed, he tends to block out all stressful messages. When a mother makes demands or nags a boy, this is a stressful message, and so he tends to forget it.

When mothers use upset emotions to back up their demands for obedience, these stressful messages are literally forgotten. A mother can greatly benefit from this insight. To help her son remember her requests, she needs to frame them in positive ways. If she leaves out the negative emotions and makes positive requests rather than demands, her son is more likely to remember and respond. Up to the age of nine, when a boy forgets, it is never his fault. He should be expected to forget at times and particularly when he receives stressful messages nagging him to remember.

DIFFERENT GENERATIONS

Every generation is different from the previous one. When parents foster an attitude that embraces differences, children, as they become teens, will not anticipate being rejected for having different ways of thinking about things. Many people today mistakenly think that today’s problems result from children being too free. Certainly, this is part of the problem, but taking away freedom is not the solution. The solution is to strengthen the bond between parent and child by using positive-parenting skills.

Being different does not mean that one is better than the other. When parents are open-minded about the teen generation, teenagers don’t feel they have to pull away to get the acceptance they need. Even if a parent is very loving and attentive to their children, if the parent is narrow-minded, the teenager often feels an urge to oppose and rebel; to break out of their narrow limits. If you hold your values of what is good but do not condemn others, your teens will feel it’s safe to come to you for support. Otherwise, they will break those lines of communication.

THE CULTURE OF VIOLENCE

Today more than ever teenagers need clear and open lines of communication with their parents. The challenges that our teens face are enormous. Without parental support, it is extremely difficult not to be swayed by negative influences.

Teens are already vulnerable to peer pressure. If they don’t have a strong foundation of positive communication with their parents, it is very hard to stay connected to who they are and to hold on to their own values and wants.

Without this anchor of parental communication, a teen is easily tossed around by the dangerously high waves of negativity in the world. Teens and even preteens can be very mean. Without strong support from home, children will easily succumb to peer pressure to experiment with drugs, drinking, violence, gangs, stealing, lying, cheating, and sexual promiscuity in order to gain acceptance. When teenagers do not feel accepted at home, they are willing to give up their values to seek acceptance from their peers.

Today our teens enter a culture of violence. They are more sensitive than any previous generation. This means that what goes in comes right back out. When teenagers are not sensitive or open, they are not affected by the outer world as much. In a free society with so many choices, our children are much more vulnerable to being influenced by others. One bad apple does spoil a whole barrel of apples.

On one hand, our teenagers feel a healthy need to be more independent, and on the other, they need our support more than ever. To give this support effectively, parents have to back off from fixing and improving and instead be an open-minded resource so that our children want our positive support.

When expressing our opinions, we must also be careful to give our children support for holding different opinions.

When parents insist on “one-way thinking,” their teens will insist on the other way. Be open-minded and your children will be free to make their choices instead of just reacting or rebelling against yours. When children grow up in an environment that accepts differences, they will not feel so pressured to be like their peers. They will assume and assert their right to be strong-willed and different.

To support our children, we must hold back advice, rigid judgments, and solutions in order to keep the lines of communication open. Fortunately, it is never too late to open these lines. Using positive-parenting communication skills and applying the five positive messages can begin to open up those lines of communication at any age.

DIFFERENT TEMPERAMENTS

As we have explored in Chapter 4, there are basically four temperaments: sensitive, active, responsive, and receptive.

1. Sensitive children have stronger feelings, go deeper, and are more serious.

2. Active children have strong wills, take risks, and want to be the center of attention.

3. Responsive children are bright, light, and need more stimulation; they move from one thing to another.

4. Receptive children are well mannered and cooperative; they follow instructions well but resist change.

Although most children have at least a little of each temperament, generally one or two of these temperaments is dominant. With an understanding of how temperaments differ, parents can easily identify their child’s predominant temperament and learn what that child needs. (Refer to Chapter 4 to identify the needs and particular skills required to nurture a temperament.)

When a child’s temperament is different from that of the parents, unless the parents are aware of all four temperaments, it is very difficult to nurture this child. So much unnecessary wounding and neglect occurs because parents are not educated with an understanding of these simple and basic differences.

Quite often, some of the biggest problems parents have in getting along is disagreeing about what their children need. A receptive parent will instinctively know what a receptive child needs, but if the other parent is active, sensitive, or responsive he or she cannot instinctively know what the child needs. As parents, we cannot always assume that what works for us will work for our children. Not only does the child suffer, but the parents argue needlessly.

For example, without an understanding of different temperaments, a responsive parent would not only think something is wrong with a receptive child’s resistance to change, but could not give the child the rhythm and repetition that receptive children need.

On the other hand, a receptive parent, who doesn’t like change but likes repetition, would think something is wrong with the responsive child who never finishes things. Without this important awareness, the parent would not give the child the varied activities that he or she needs.

HOW TEMPERAMENTS TRANSFORM

When parents learn how to accept and nurture the different temperaments, they naturally transform and flower. Some children may start out with a little of all four types and gradually move through them all throughout their lives. When a temperament is nurtured, at least for a while, it will transform into the next. These are some of the transformations to be expected:

Sensitive children, who have stronger feelings, go deeper, and are more serious, gradually lighten up, and have lots of fun and laughter along with being original. Sensitive children become more responsive. When a serious child feels heard, he or she will tend to become light and cheery for a while.

Responsive children, who are bright, light, and need more stimulation while moving from one thing to another, gradually learn to focus, be disciplined, and fully commit themselves in relationships and work. Responsive children become more receptive. When responsive children get to do many things, they begin to find something they really like and become more focused for a while.

Receptive children, who are well mannered and cooperative, and follow instructions well, but resist change, gradually become self-motivated, wise, adaptive, and flexible. Receptive children become more active. When receptive children have a regular routine, they feel safe enough to take risks and try new things.

Active children, who have strong wills, take risks, and want to be the center of attention, gradually become cooperative and compassionate in service to others. Active children become more sensitive. When active children get enough structure and guidance to feel competent or successful in achieving their goals, they become more sensitive and aware of the needs of others and wish to serve.

AFTERNOON ACTIVITIES

Based on these different temperaments, we can see better what activities are most appropriate for a child. Keeping temperaments in mind, let’s explore afternoon activities.

It is hard for sensitive children to start new friendships, so they need a little extra help. Parents need to put a sensitive child in a supervised activity that promotes safe, harmonious interactions. This child doesn’t need a lot of stimulation; too much is definitely too much. Sensitive children need to be around people who have similar abilities and sensitivities. It is especially good for them to help in caring for a pet. A pet or stuffed animal always understands what they are going through.

Parents who give their children lots of stimulation in the afternoon nurture this important need. Camps, museums, parks, malls, sports, gymnastics, skating, movies, some TV, video games, books, walks, swimming, swings — all give stimulation. These children can easily become addicted to video games or TV and become distressed inside because they are not getting other kinds of natural stimulation.

Too many activities disturb a receptive child’s rhythm.

He or she could come home every day and read, walk the dog, watch a few TV shows, snack, and do some homework.

Receptive children thrive on routine and don’t like lots of change. Being around responsive or active siblings too much can create distress. They like to watch action, but when required to participate too much, they become stressed. If they are left in day care or involved in after-school activities, teachers should be alerted that these children have the right to watch and should not always be put on the spot to get into the action.

Active children need lots of supervision, rules, leaders, and action. Supervised sports and teams are great for these kids. Leave these children on their own and they will become bossy, get into trouble, and lead others into trouble as well. When there is one bad apple who tends to bring everyone else down, this is the one.

DIFFERENT BODY TYPES

Another area of difference that parents need to understand is that some children have a body type that differs from their parents’, and all types should be appreciated equally. This can be very difficult because body types go in and out of style. In countries and times where people have little food, fat is considered beautiful. Yet, where food is in abundance, thin is beautiful. Regardless of fashion, muscles in men are always in fashion.

Regardless of fashion or the current social view of the body, children are born with specific body types that do not change much. There are thin or rectangular people, fat or round people, and muscular or triangular people. Every person is born with a body type and it doesn’t change much.

While there are three basic body types, there can be millions of combinations and permutations.

Sometimes children who are fat do become thinner or more muscular; people who are muscular become fatter or thinner; and thin people become more muscular or fatter.

The important message is acceptance. Each child is different.

If everyone looked the same, the world would be very boring. To expect a round child to be thin is unrealistic. So many girls and boys feel inadequate because their parents are obsessing about their weight, or they have just given up and don’t care about how they look.

To be a good role model, parents need to be accepting of their own bodies and be vigilant about staying at a healthy weight. For most people, that means accepting that you are not going to look like a model. Just as girls tend to have weight issues, some boys have muscle issues. They are not as big or strong as others and wonder why their muscles don’t get so big.

A mother or father needs to explain to their child that every person is unique and different. Muscular bodies respond differently to exercise than thin ones. In a similar way, a parent could explain to a child with weight issues that some people eat more food and don’t put on weight, whereas others need to be a bit more careful. Otherwise, a round child mistakenly assumes that they eat too much or that they have no discipline to eat the right amount.

DIFFERENT INTELLIGENCE

Another area of difference is in intelligence. To be most supportive and appreciative of your child’s gifts, it is important to realize that there are different kinds of intelligence. In the West, we have become too focused on the model that intelligence is measured by an IQ test. Ironically, these tests are arbitrary and tend to make boys’ IQs seem higher and girls’ IQs lower. When IQ test problems focus on spatial abilities, boys score higher; and when test problems focus on language skills, then girls score higher.

Besides discriminating against girls, tests that measure intelligence do not consider all kinds of intelligence.

Someone decides what problems are on the test and therefore determines the outcome. IQ tests only measure a certain kind of intelligence and in no way is having a high IQ linked to success in life, relationships, or work or a low IQ to failure in these areas.

With so many out-of-work and divorced Ph.D.s, it is now becoming common knowledge that academic success does not ensure job success, or life success for that matter.

Children who have a higher degree of academic intelligence do better in public schools as they are set up today, but that in no way ensures success in life, work, or relationships.

Unfortunately, children who have other kinds of intelligence are not recognized and nurtured as much in public schools. There are basically eight kinds of intelligence and every child is born with a unique distribution of each. Each of the types of intelligence are like different colors we can use to paint the landscape of our lives. They include: academic, emotional, physical, creative, artistic, common sense, intuitive, and gifted intelligence. Every child is born with different degrees of each intelligence, and each type can be stimulated to higher degrees of development with the right kind of nurturing.

This same principal is true for all the different kinds of intelligence. For example, people who are academically inclined are sometimes weaker in social skills. They enjoy being excellent in one field. They get a lot of love and attention for being the best at something. To try working and developing another weaker intelligence is too big a risk.

The thinking here is simple. If I am better at something, then I get love and support. If I am not better, then I will lose love and support. To counter this thinking, these children need encouragement to develop other areas of intelligence in which they are not gifted. In this process, they learn through experience that they don’t have to be better or the best to be loved. As a result, they are able to lead more balanced, fulfilled, and successful lives.

DIFFERENT SPEEDS OF LEARNING

An old adage from Shakespeare says, “Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatest thrust upon ’em.” This simple truth, when combined with an awareness of the different kinds of intelligence, helps parents to understand and respect how their child learns differently.

Children may be gifted or “born great” with one or two kinds of intelligence. They may be gradual learners or “achieve greatness” with a few more kinds of intelligence.

With the other kinds of intelligence, they may be late bloomers and “have greatness thrust upon ’em.”

People exhibiting these three ways of learning can easily be summarized as: runners, walkers, and jumpers. To explore these three different learning rates in greater detail, let’s take learning to ride a bike as an example:

This child sees another child riding a bike and just gets on and rides off. Children with this learning style are runners. They are fast learners, but to stay interested and involved, they need to be challenged. They learn very quickly, because they are generally gifted at what they are learning. Parents must be careful to make sure that runners get the opportunity to develop their other kinds of intelligence that may not be so easy for them.

This child takes a few weeks to learn how to ride a bike.

These children respond well to instruction and with each attempt they get a little better. They may start out with training wheels but within a couple of weeks are riding on their own. Walkers are what parents call “dream children” or “easy.” They always learn a little more, get better, and clearly let you know you are helping and they are learning.

These children are so easy to manage that they often miss a lot of important nurturing and attention.

This child is the most difficult and challenging for parents. These children may take several years to learn how to ride a bike. They take instruction in, but don’t progress.

They don’t get better, they don’t show any signs of learning, and the parent has no idea if anything they are doing is helping. If the parent persists, two years later the child gets on the bike and suddenly rides.

All that instruction was going in, but the parent had no indication of progress. Then, in one mysterious moment, these children somehow put it all together, get on the bike, and ride as if they had been riding for two years. On the surface, it may have looked as if no progress was being made, but then suddenly in one jump they get there. These children often don’t get the time and attention they need to make the jump. Without parental encouragement and persistence, they quit and never realize their inner potential.

GOOD HERE BUT NOT GOOD THERE

A child could be a jumper (slow learner) when it comes to riding bikes, but a runner (very fast learner) when it comes to social skills. He or she could be the nicest and most cooperative child while making dinner together or traveling on a trip, but then, when it comes to riding a bike, a change occurs.

Immediately, your child becomes resistant and uncooperative. By understanding different learning speeds, a parent can be more patient and accepting of their child’s resistance. All children excel at some skills, but resist others. Being good here and not good there is natural and normal.

Just because a child is a jumper and appears to be a slow learner does not mean that he or she has low levels of that intelligence. Sometimes it is those areas where we resist learning the most that we have our greatest strengths. For me personally, I was never a good writer or public speaker and resisted writing and speaking in a group. Both were gifts that were to come much later in life.

On the other hand, just because someone is a runner or walker in a particular area of intelligence doesn’t imply that he or she will excel in this field or have a tremendous potential for growth. For example, the majority of people who get a university degree in a particular subject don’t follow that particular path later in life. Getting a degree in anthropology doesn’t mean that you will be an anthropologist. The easiest path or path of least resistance is not always our greatest strength.

COMPARING CHILDREN

One of the big mistakes parents make is to compare their children to one another. If you have a child who is a walker in most areas of intelligence, then everything is relatively smooth and easy. When your next child is a jumper in some areas and resists more, you may mistakenly assume that something is wrong with the child.

Jumpers never seem to be learning or listening. You teach them to set the table and they forget how. You teach them table manners and they keep forgetting. You teach them their math tables and they keep forgetting. You teach them to speak clearly and they don’t speak. You teach them to tie their shoes and they can’t. You explain their homework and they just can’t get it.

Without positive-parenting skills, these children usually get punished again and again, which makes it even more difficult for them to develop confidence. Children can only grow in confidence when they get the consistent messages that they are not being compared and that they are good enough just the way they are. Every child is unique and special and deserves love just the way he or she is. By understanding all the different ways healthy loving children can be different, it is easier to be an accepting and supportive parent.

Reviewing this chapter from time to time can make the process of parenting dramatically easier. Times of frustration are caused by expecting our children to be different from the way they are. Just remembering that they are supposed to be different helps us to relax and reflect on a more appropriate way of dealing with our children.