Children Are from Heaven: Positive Parenting Skills for Raising Cooperative, Confident, and Compassionate Children

A SHORT UPDATE ON PUNISHMENT

Our entire history in the last five thousand years is based on punishment as the model for control and rehabilitation: an eye for eye; justice for the victim; make the abuser pay for the crime. In the past, avengers have felt satisfied, but today this satisfaction is merely a temporary relief and the pain of the victim lives on.

Even practically speaking our system of punishment is not working. Our penal system costs taxpayers $25,000 a year per prisoner. To give one twenty year old a twenty-five-year sentence in jail will eventually cost taxpayers $625,000.

This money certainly doesn’t pay back any debt. Think for a moment how much better that money could be used to prevent the crimes in the first place.

So much is still based on this out-of-date notion of the efficacy of punishment. Today, if you follow the precept “an eye for an eye,” eventually everyone in the world will be blind. Although we know in our hearts that punishment is out of date, a clear alternative has not yet been realized or discovered.

Today, although rules are important, punishment is not.

One day far in the future as consciousness continues to grow, even rules will not be important. In the past, punishment was important because people were not yet capable of knowing what was right within their own hearts and minds; making sacrifices to their Gods and punishment to the wicked was the only way to motivate them.

WHY AND WHEN PUNISHMENT WORKED

Inhumane punishment directly caused pain (cutting off a finger or whipping or stoning someone) while more civilized punishment would take away money (fines) or freedom (prison). In a more humane manner, civilized punishment caused people to feel the pain of loss. To be a better person and avoid making mistakes, many people worshipped God by making offerings or sacrifices. By giving up something for God, they felt the pain of loss, and as a result they became more aware of right and wrong or the best course of action for them. Making sacrifices to God had clear benefits.

Though this may seem bizarre, think for a moment about your common experience. Often, after a loss, when we feel the pain of that loss, we experience our regret and resolve to do things differently and learn from our mistakes. Feeling pain motivates change to avoid pain in the future. In addition, by being more aware of our feelings, we can tap into greater creativity and intuition from our inner potential. The ability to know right from wrong comes from our feelings. Feelings, whether negative (pain) or positive (pleasure), help us to make needed adjustments.

With this motivation, we open our minds and question what we have done. This inner questioning is the basis of self-correction. Unless we are motivated to change, we remain stuck in our narrow and limited ways of thinking.

Pain is our greatest teacher, because it motivates us to make adjustments in the way we do things. It causes us to question and rethink what is best for us and for others.

When people were numb to their feelings thousands of years ago, they needed punishment to connect with their feelings. With a greater awareness of their feelings, they could then accept or recognize what was right and reject what was wrong. Gradually, after being punished for centuries, just the thought of punishment was enough to awaken the feelings. Rule by punishment was necessary to sustain order and to enable a person to lead a good life.

THE POSITIVE SIDE OF PUNISHMENT

Induced pain, whether through punishment or through spiritual sacrifice, awakened people to their feelings and increased their limited awareness of what is right and wrong. In this manner, punishment was a tool or skill to induce the feeling of pain, and, in various degrees, it motivated change.

Christian monks, even into this century, would often punish themselves to become more holy. They would whip themselves as a daily practice to deepen their connection with God.

As extreme as this may sound, self-flagellation was widely practiced. This and other forms of self-mortification are still practiced; it is not uncommon to give up comforts and pleasure in the name of being spiritual.

These practices are no longer necessary. The time to give up our lives for God is over. It is now time to live our lives fully for God. Everyone deserves abundance, prosperity, success, health, and love. We do not need to deprive ourselves of life’s pleasures to lead a life of goodness. Likewise, we do not need to deprive our children. If we want our children to live a life of abundance, we must find another way to motivate them, otherwise, after making mistakes, they will tend to punish and deprive themselves as well.

By feeling our loss naturally, we experience a greater awareness of what is right or wrong, and we feel the motivation to change. Another more biblical way of saying that we have “a greater awareness of what is right and wrong” is to say that we have “a greater awareness of the will of God.”

Today we no longer need to punish ourselves or our children to act in accord or in cooperation with the will of God.

We are born with the ability to know and do what is right, but having an ability or talent isn’t enough. To be realized, this ability must be nurtured and developed.

Children today have new needs. By fulfilling these needs, we directly nurture their ability to cooperate and increase motivation to yield their will to their parents. Our children today do not require outdated punishment; they have a greater potential and require a new and different kind of support.

This new ability has been in the making for a long time.

Two thousand years ago, Jesus taught this simple message: As you open your heart to God, your self, and your neighbor you will know the will of God; in the silence of your heart, a quiet voice will speak to you. By looking within, you will find, right now, the heaven you seek.

This quiet voice, often referred to in religious texts, comes from your heart and mind being open. It comes from feeling. As parents are able to speak and act more from love, their children also learn to listen, not only to their parents, but to the feelings of love in their hearts. Then they are motivated, not out of fear, but by love.

When parents raise children with open hearts, minds, and strong free wills, this quiet voice is not some exalted experience that only saints can hear, but a common experience motivating children’s daily behavior. When we can look within or “feel” then we discover that the kingdom of heaven is at hand — it is here and now. When we live from our hearts, then we have succeeded in bringing heaven to earth.

After two thousand years of trying to understand how to be loving and get what we want and need, we have finally arrived at our goal. It is now possible to apply the principles of love to raise our children. Even if these new skills for positive parenting were available thousands of years ago, they would not have worked. They would not have worked for everyone even fifty years ago. A shift in our global consciousness has made it possible for these new skills to work.

Now the old skills do not work.

THE SIMPLE PROOF

Our prison system has proven that in a free society punishment no longer works. Under a dictatorship, the threat of punishment is extreme and fear is everywhere; that is how a dictatorship maintains order and low crime. In a free society, punishment has failed. Today, instead of building more schools, we are building more prisons. In many parts of the country, when someone is punished in our prison system, they often emerge, not rehabilitated, but as better criminals.

Rehabilitation centers could better be called criminal training centers. Clearly, in a society that allows personal freedom and respects human rights, the old ways of maintaining order by means of punishment are out of date. We cannot preach love and then turn around and punish the weakest elements of society. Fortunately, some prisons today are focusing more on methods to rehabilitate and not just on punishment.

Punishment doesn’t work in a free society, and it doesn’t work in loving families. The more children feel nurtured and loved, the more confusing punishment is. We cannot nurture our children and open their minds and hearts to be strong, creative, and capable, only to turn around and threaten them like animals. We cannot seek to make them feel good about themselves and then make them feel bad when they make mistakes.

It is more damaging to open up children and then punish them than to ignore their feelings and wants, and occasionally punishing them to maintain control. If we are to give our children the opportunity to open up their minds and hearts and develop a strong will, we must learn another way to motivate other than punishment.

Even animal trainers are learning news ways to train dogs, horses, tigers, and other animals without punishment. I learned more about parenting by talking with animal trainers than from many of the parenting books available to parents.

There is so much confusion when it comes to parenting, and one of the most controversial issues is punishment.

Everyone senses that punishment doesn’t work and is inhumane, but they don’t know a different way. Many are resistant to the idea of giving up punishment, because the soft-love type of parenting clearly has failed. Children who are not punished are often unruly, undisciplined, and disrespectful to each other and to adults and teachers. Yet every parent, at some time, has felt in their quiet moments that there must be a different way. Fortunately, there is an alternative to punishment, and the collective consciousness of our planet is ready for it to work.

THE ALTERNATIVE TO PUNISHMENT IS REWARD

Instead of motivating children with punishment, children today need to be motivated with rewards. Instead of focusing on the consequences of negative behavior, positive parenting focuses on the consequences of positive behavior.

Instead of using a negative outcome to motivate children, it uses a positive outcome.

There is no greater motivator, other than children’s inner desire to cooperate, than their desire for reward. Many times it is the outer reward or acknowledgment of success that awakens children’s inner desire to cooperate. Every child wants special time with his parents. Every child gets excited when you mention dessert. Every child loves presents. Every child looks forward to a party or celebration.

Every parent has noticed how warm, friendly, and cooperative children are when they want something and think they can get it.

Getting “more” or the anticipation of getting more awakens something inside, and a child jumps up with a big yes. The expectation of reward gives children the energy and focus to respond to their parents’ need for cooperation and help. The promise of more inspires everyone, old or young, to cooperate. Rewarding, rather than punishing, your children will increase their willingness to cooperate.

While parents are sometimes slow to adopt new ideas, successful businesses are not. To survive and flourish, businesses must adapt to change very quickly or they will get left behind. The airlines, for example, clearly know that giving perks, incentives, miles, and extra miles is the way to motivate people to fly their friendly skies. Most successful companies now routinely offer special rewards for employees who excel.

Using incentives in the business world is common sense, but when it comes to parenting, there is a strong undercurrent of belief that rewarding children is like bribing them, and, if you need to bribe them, you really aren’t the boss.

For some, motivating your children with a reward somehow implies that you as a parent are weak and your children are running the show. Yet, those who promote this belief will turn around and punish their children to make them behave . . . and a punishment is just a negative bribe.

This message is hard to hear for those who have gone against their heart’s instincts by using their heads to justify punishing. Many parents even say as they spank their children, “This hurts me more than it does you.” Their hearts were speaking, but their minds were not yet ready to listen.

They love their kids, but just did the best they knew.

Already thousands of children have been successfully raised without punishment or using threats to keep control.

Their parents didn’t punish, and it worked fine. These children were not unruly or undisciplined in their behavior and turned out great. Yet, on the other hand, millions of parents have clearly failed by using soft love, hard love, or by going go back and forth.

THE TWO REASONS A CHILD MISBEHAVES

To understand why the conscious use of reward works best, we need first to explore the two reasons children misbehave.

The first and most important reason children today misbehave is that they are getting what they need to stay in touch with inner feelings. Remember, nonfeeling children need punishment to reconnect with their feelings. Children today just need understanding, structure, direction, and rhythm, and they will automatically be more in touch with their feelings.

When children don’t get what they need, they go out of your control and misbehave. They misbehave not because they are bad, but because they are out of your control. When children are getting what they need, they remain under your control and cooperate. You may have a great car that works perfectly, but if you let go of the steering wheel it will quickly crash. Unless parents keep control, their children will crash.

The second reason a child misbehaves is determined by how the parent then deals with the child’s unruly behavior.

By continuing to focus on the negative behavior, children will continue to behave in a negative manner. When you focus on negative behavior, that is what you will get more of. Punishing children forces them to focus on a negative behavior rather than focusing on the positive.

WHY GIVING REWARDS WORKS

Rewarding your children for positive behavior means focusing on the good that they do. Punishing your children focuses your attention on the bad that they did and reinforces the old idea that they are born bad and need to be rehabilitated. By focusing on the bad, the good does not have the opportunity to come up and be expressed.

What you put your attention on grows. When you punish a child, a lot of attention gets put on a child’s negative behavior. A parent might even say, “I’ll teach you a lesson that you will never forget.” The opposite of punishment is a forgiving attitude that clearly states it is okay to make mistakes and then forget about it and move on. What is more important with children today is nurturing their needs and directing them in ways to make them successful.

If you reward a child’s positive behavior, that is what will increase. Rather than look for and focus on a child’s mistakes, parents need to try “catching” the child doing things right. Whenever your children are moving in the right direction, acknowledge their success, and they will continue to move in that direction.

For a young child, aged four to nine, make a chart of a few chores and positive behaviors. Before bedtime, review the list and stick on stars or bright and colorful stickers next to any chores completed for that day. If they didn’t do the chore or positive behavior, just leave a blank and don’t put much attention on it. Have a neutral to bored attitude regarding the blanks and focus enthusiasm and positive feelings regarding successes. Each star can mean a point, and when the points add up to twenty-five, then you should do something special such as have twice as much reading time or go to a baseball game. This activity then becomes another special memory linking the child back to feeling acknowledged and successful.

Keeping a chart helps parents remember to acknowledge whenever children happen to do the right thing. Most parents are not even aware of how much they verbalize what their child is doing wrong. With this insight, it becomes more clear why children don’t listen. If we drown our children in negative statements, we cannot expect our children to cooperate. This is a list of thirty-three common expressions to assist you in becoming aware of things you may be saying.

NEGATIVE ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

You didn’t put your books away.

Something is wrong with you.

You are being too loud.

Don’t be mean to your sister.

Your room is a mess.

How many times have you forgotten your jacket?

When are you going to grow up?

You are not listening to me.

Don’t go over there.

Don’t play with your food.

I wish you had been a boy.

Stop daydreaming and look at what you are doing.

Stop running around.

You are playing too rough.

You are being bossy again.

No one will like you if you behave that way.

You didn’t say thank you.

You didn’t say please.

Keep your mouth closed when you chew.

You didn’t do anything I asked.

You are watching too much TV.

Turn down your music; it’s giving me a headache.

Stop whining.

You can’t do anything right.

Try to remember this time.

Slow down, you are going too fast.

You are not fun to play with.

Don’t be stupid.

You are being a big baby.

I can’t deal with you.

There’s no way you can do that.

That doesn’t make sense.

This is all your fault.

By being aware of how often we give negative acknowledgments, we can begin to stop. Instead of dwelling on the problem or punishing our children for their imperfections, we can begin asking our children to be the solution by directing them. If we can’t say something positive or direct our children in a positive way, then we shouldn’t say anything. These are some examples of directing a child rather than focusing on the problem and then punishing.

Dwelling on the Negative: You are not listening.

How to Give Positive Direction: Please give me your full attention.

Dwelling on the Negative: I can’t deal with you. I need you to . . .

How to Give Positive Direction: Please I want you to cooperate.

Dwelling on the Negative: Look at the way you are dressed.

How to Give Positive Direction: Would you go put on that new blue shirt; it would look great with those pants.

Dwelling on the Negative: There’s no way you can do that.

How to Give Positive Direction: Let’s see if there is another way to do this.

Dwelling on the Negative: Don’t be stupid.

How to Give Positive Direction: Let’s go over this one more time in greater detail.

Dwelling on the Negative: Slow down, you are going too fast.

How to Give Positive Direction: Would you please slow down?

Dwelling on the Negative: You didn’t put your books away.

How to Give Positive Direction: Would you put your books away please?

Dwelling on the Negative: Don’t sing at the dinner table.

How to Give Positive Direction: Please don’t sing at the dinner table.

Dwelling on the Negative: Stop whining.

How to Give Positive Direction: I don’t want to talk about it anymore.

Dwelling on the Negative: You are being selfish again.

How to Give Positive Direction: Please I want you to remember your manners.

Certainly, we have to correct our children, but, instead of focusing on their behavior in a negative manner, we can give them a chance to change their behavior for the better.

Even correcting our children’s mistakes in a positive manner becomes counterproductive. We need to acknowledge them three times more for their positive behavior. It takes more positive to balance the negative. Children often stop listening to their parents because they are not getting enough acknowledgments of the good.

Here are thirty-three examples of catching your children doing something good or right and letting them know:

CATCHING YOUR CHILD BEING GOOD OR DOING THE RIGHT THING

You put your book away.

Everything looks so nice and orderly in your room.

You are so smart.

That was so kind of you.

I appreciate your using your inside voice.

You did such a good job.

You are being so helpful.

Everything is going so smoothly.

You remembered to use your manners.

You are such a big help to me.

It is so much fun playing with you.

I love you and I love being your Mom/Dad.

That was a good shot.

Thank you for listening and not interrupting.

You followed all my instructions — good job.

You are using your silverware so nicely tonight.

You are a hard worker.

You stayed right on track.

You are such a great helper.

This is a wonderful picture, I love it.

Look at what you have done — it is great.

It’s okay, I know you always do your best.

You are really remembering your table manners.

You are being so cooperative tonight.

I noticed that you shared your toy; that was very considerate.

You got dressed all by yourself.

You did that all by yourself.

It’s good to ask for help and you came and found me.

You did a terrific job.

You cooperated the whole time, thank you.

You are so loving with animals.

Thanks for helping, I know I can depend on you.

You are looking so bright and healthy today.

By pointing out and acknowledging positive things about your children and their behavior, they will see themselves as successful and good. This positive image of themselves will not only motivate them to cooperate but will also create self-esteem, confidence, and a sense of competence.

Soft-love approaches generally endorse this concept of giving lots of positive acknowledgment. When children of self-love parents feel insecure and experience low self-esteem, some experts mistakenly assume that giving positive acknowledgment doesn’t work.

It does work. What doesn’t work with soft love, as we have already explored, is not facing children’s resistance to doing what the parent wants. The soft-love parents dread confrontation and regularly cave in to children’s demands to avoid having to deal with a tantrum. Placating, not positive acknowledgment, spoils the child.

THE MAGIC OF REWARDS

Positive parenting focuses on motivating children to cooperate in a variety of ways. We use asking and not ordering. We focus on nurturing children’s needs rather than trying to “fix” them. We listen to resistance and don’t lecture or get upset. When that doesn’t work, we use rewards to motivate children to cooperate. If a parent only uses rewards, then it is counterproductive. Rewards motivate, but they do not give children all of the understanding, structure, direction, and rhythm they need.

Rewards are particularly useful at those times when we don’t have the time or opportunity to give children what they need. There are times when we have not been able to meet all our children’s needs or we don’t have time to meet what they need in the current situation. At those times using rewards will temporarily create the cooperation you need. Following are some common examples of situations that cause our children to not cooperate because they are not getting what they need.

WHY CHILDREN RESIST OUR DIRECTION

• They are disappointed and need to talk for a while and be understood and you don’t have the time to listen.

• They are tired and need a nap; their natural rhythm has been disturbed.

• They are hungry and need to be fed.

• They don’t know what to expect and need more time to prepare.

• They were not prepared with the bigger picture of what you expect and what the rules are.

• They are overstimulated from too much TV, too long of a shopping trip, too many people, too much fun, too much dessert, or simply too many activities.

• Something else is bothering them and they need to talk it out or get help. They could have an earache or someone may have been mean to them that day.

Sometimes outside influences and stress beyond your control that disturb children and create resistance. For example: You are in the grocery store or on an airplane and your child is being affected by the stress of others who don’t want to hear a child cry.

Remember, children are supposed to throw tantrums and express their resistance in order to get the understanding that they need to define themselves. If children haven’t had enough tantrums at home because the parents have coddled them too much, they tend to have tantrums in public when the parent’s can’t coddle them. They are used to being placated. In a public situation or stressful situation when a parent can’t give more, they become demanding and throw a tantrum.

When children resist it could be because any of these reasons listed above and many more. If children resist, then in some way, they are not getting all their needs met. We do not live in a perfect world, and as parents we are not perfect.

We cannot always give our children what they need no matter how much we know or have to give. Occasionally, our children will resist our direction when we just don’t have the time or resources to give them the attention, understanding, structure, redirection, or rhythm they need.

Rather than mistakenly assuming that our children don’t want to cooperate, we need to realize that they don’t have what they need to cooperate. If a car doesn’t run because it is out of gas, it is not appropriate to assume that the car is resisting you or broken in some way. When children resist, they are unable in that moment to cooperate; they don’t have what they need to reconnect with their inner desire to cooperate. The purpose of rewarding children is to give them a little more fuel to connect with the part of them that wants to cooperate.

Instead of trying to get control with threats of punishing or spanking, at those times when our children resist cooperating, we can regain cooperation by means of rewards.

Giving a reward will often evoke cooperation.

UNDERSTANDING REWARDS

Imagine you were asked to work overtime and you automatically felt resistant. Then you were informed you would get paid twice as much for each hour of overtime. Immediately you would become more cooperative. Just as the promise of more will motivate you, it also works, perhaps even better, with your children. It is natural. Let’s look at a few examples.

When a child refuses to brush her teeth say, “If you go and brush your teeth now, we will have time to read three stories instead of just one.”

I still remember when I started consciously using rewards with my children. One of my children consistently resisted brushing her teeth before bed. Nothing would work.

Then, after taking a parenting class that recommended rewards, I used this one simple phrase and it worked. I was amazed. Just by letting her know that we would have more time to read, she jumped up to brush right away without any fuss. This one simple shift brought immediate results and changed my whole parenting approach.

With the support of giving small rewards, the job of parenting becomes much easier. In many cases, a child’s resistance just melts away with a reward. With occasional rewards, a child is reconnected with her natural desire to please the parent, and she automatically cooperates more of the time.

Yet, some parents worry that their child may take advantage of this kind of support and always demand a reward before they do anything. Fortunately, this does not occur. When used with the other skills of positive parenting, giving rewards actually awakens and strengthens a child’s willingness to cooperate without rewards. Once a child has been motivated to do a particualr behavior with rewards, soon after she no longer requires the reward.

When children are in control, they don’t need rewards.

They only need rewards to help them come back into your control. Rewards are only needed at times when children are out of control and disconnected from their natural desire to please their parent. Once a particular behavior is established, then the child doesn’t require a reward to continue doing it. Giving the reward of three stories before bedtime does not make a child demand a reward for cooperating at other times.

Until I experienced the power of giving rewards, I resisted giving rewards, because I thought it was like bribing. When it worked so well, I had to begin considering its merits and rethink why I resisted giving rewards. When one of my children resisted my direction, my gut reaction was to make a threat. This was how my father parented me, and so, at times of frustration, my reaction was to threaten as well.

As soon as I discovered a better alternative, punishment and the threat of punishment became a thing of the past.

My new challenge was to find appropriate ways to give rewards. The reward must be linked in some way to the behavior the child is being asked to modify. Ideally, a reward is the natural consequence of cooperation. If the child brushes her teeth right away there really is more time to read stories before bed. When a child is resisting putting on her coat, the natural consequence of getting to school sooner may not seem like a reward. In some cases, however, it might work. You could say, “If you put on you jacket now, then I will have time to look at your paintings at school.”

There is one reward that works all the time, and you don’t have to think too hard. It is the gift of time. You can say, “If you cooperate with me now, then I will have more time to do something special with you later.”

Whenever your child cooperates, the real consequence is more time later to do something they would really like to do with you. By reminding them of this simple truth, they will be quickly motivated to follow your direction. To make your reward even more effective, you may communicate it in ways that appeal more to your child.

REWARDS ACCORDING TO TEMPERAMENTS

Let’s explore a few examples of communicating the same reward differently according to your child’s temperament.

With a more sensitive child, when describing the reward, focus on how it will feel. For example, “If you cooperate with me now, then I will have more time to do something special later. We could have a fun time picking flowers for Mommy in the garden. Mommy loves flowers. We could make a whole bouquet.”

With an active child, when describing a reward, focus more on the details of action. “If you cooperate with me now, then I will have more time to do something special later. We could go play outside in the garden and pick a bunch of flowers for Mommy. We can even bring out the ladder and pick the blossoms from the tree.”

With a responsive child, when describing the reward, focus more on the sensory details and tell a story. For example, “If you cooperate with me now, then I will have more time to do something special later. We could go out in the garden and pick the beautiful flowers for Mommy. We could make a bouquet with red, white, and yellow flowers. I bet we will even see some butterflies. When your mother sees her new flowers, she will light up with a big smile.”

With a receptive child, when describing the reward, focus more on the timing. For example, say, “If you cooperate with me now, then I will have more time to do something special later. After school when we come home, we can pick flowers in the garden for Mommy. Right now, I need your help, and then later we will have time to pick flowers in the garden.”

While framing the reward in different ways for your particular child will increase your child’s motivation, just communicating the reward will still work. The simple message you convey is that time for me now means more time for you later. You help me now, and I will give you more later.

SAMPLE REWARDS

Here is a list of sample rewards. Take a few minutes to consider how you might communicate these rewards in a way that would work best for your children. Take into consideration their temperament. In addition, think of when you might need to use rewards and what rewards you think would work best with your children.

If you cooperate and pick up your toys now, then I will have time to play cards.

If you help me pick up your toys now, then I will have time to play a game with you.

If we clean up now, then we can do an art project.

If you pick out your school clothes tonight, then we’ll have time to have waffles for breakfast.

If you get ready to go now, then we can come back again real soon.

If you get dressed now, then we can get treats right after school.

If you stop talking now, then we can walk the dog together.

If you get in the car now, then later I will play catch with you.

If you cooperate with me now, then I will do something special for you later.

If you do your homework now, then later we can have a little tea party.

If you eat your veggies, then we will have a dessert tonight.

If you come to dinner now, then we can sing songs after dinner.

If you come now, then you can play your game later.

When your children resist, instead of taking something away, give them a little more. Give them more support, so that they can once again feel their inner willingness to cooperate. Instead of using pain as a deterrent, use the possibility of more to encourage them.

ALWAYS HAVE SOMETHING UP YOUR SLEEVE

What makes giving rewards work is finding things that really motivate your children. Once you know what motivates your children, then always keep it up your sleeve. For one child, the only motivator you will ever need is “If you cooperate with me now, then I will have time to read you more stories.” For another child, it might be, “If you cooperate with me, then we can make cookies in the kitchen together.” Other children may need a variety of rewards.

If they really like stories, then hold back a little on reading stories. Certainly, don’t stop altogether, but make sure that you don’t overdo giving stories. Then reading stories becomes a more potent reward. Let’s look at another example. When a child says, “Can we go to the park this week?”

You say, “That’s a great idea. If we have time we certainly will.” At another time when they are resisting you can say, “If you cooperate now, then I will have more time and will take you to the park.” Although you were already planning or hoping to take them to the park, you can now use that as a reward.

In a sense the very things you would take away to punish, can instead be given as rewards. If a parent would threaten not to take a child for a walk, then use going for a walk as a way to motivate the child. Instead of threatening with a statement like, “If you don’t put these games away, then you can’t play with them,” say, “If you put these games away, then I will play a game with you later.” The greatest and easiest reward to give is more of you.

Rewards basically need to be somewhat logical, related, or reasonable. A logical reward is, “If you do this for me, then I will have time to do something for you.” It is logical in the sense that if you do something for me, I will do something more for you. A related reward is, “It’s time to go home for dinner. I understand you want to play and it’s time to leave. If you come now, we’ll come back again soon.” The reward is related to the activity you want them to stop. A reasonable reward gives more according to the degree of resistance the child has. If the challenge is great for them, then offer them more.

Prepared parents always have a few rewards up their sleeve to pull out when their child is resisting. These are some common examples of rewards. Consider what rewards might be most appropriate to use.

A LIST OF REWARDS

We will have more time to do something special later.

You may ride your bike later.

We can pick flowers for the dinner table.

We can walk the dog together.

We can share a hot chocolate.

We can have a tea party.

We can play catch.

We can shoot some hoops.

We can bake cookies.

We can read three stories before bed.

We can go get a treat.

We can have dessert.

We can go swimming.

We can sing songs.

You can have a friend over.

We can go for a drive.

We can go shopping.

We can climb some trees.

We can go for a swing.

We can go play in the park.

We can do an art project.

We can draw.

We can paint.

We can go for a walk.

We can play cards.

We can cuddle.

We can watch a special video or show.

Giving a time warning can be a very good motivator as well. Particularly receptive children need more time to make transitions. A wise parent attempts to think ahead and prepare this child for changes. Instead of saying, “It’s time to put on your jacket,” say, “In five minutes we are going to leave for school. At that time, I want you to put on your jacket. If you cooperate and put on you jacket, then we will have a fun ride to school.”

When lying with a child at night, if the child doesn’t want you to leave, then you can say, “Okay in five minutes, I am going leave. If you cooperate and lie quietly, then I will stay the whole five minutes. If you keep talking, then I will have to leave now.” Although having to leave now seems like a threat, it is okay because you have clearly given them a positive reward of your staying a whole five minutes longer if they lie quietly.

Before telling your kids to clean up their mess and come to dinner, let them know that in five minutes they will need to start cleaning up their mess to then come to dinner. Give them time to anticipate stopping, cleaning up their mess, and then coming to dinner. You could say, “You kids can play for five more minutes and then it will be time to clean up and come to dinner.” In five minutes when you ask again they will be more cooperative.

The real magic of rewards is that, at times when nothing seems to work promising a reward will work. Without this clear insight and skill, positive parenting cannot succeed.

Without the alternative of making a deal with your children through promising a reward, the only recourse is to threaten them with punishment.

RECURRING PATTERNS

When a child resists cooperating repeatedly, then offering the reward in advance is a useful approach. Once on a long plane ride, I had a difficult time getting my daughter Lauren to cooperate. From that time on, we solved the problem by preparing her for the trip. She loved a particular treat, so we promised her that treat if she cooperated the whole trip. By cooperating on the way to the plane and up to take off, she got a quarter of her favorite candy bar. Halfway through, she got the next quarter. Upon landing, she got the third quarter, and on arrival at our destination, she got the last quarter.

This plan worked beautifully each time. Before the trip we would show her the whole candy bar. Her eyes would light up as we explained how much she would get at every stage of the trip. Although she was busy playing with things, never once did she forget to get her section of the bar. It was always in the back of her mind, keeping her focused on being cooperative. Besides giving her a reward, we also had the wisdom of providing her with activities to do during the trip. It is very unrealistic to expect a child just to sit and be happy doing nothing for a five-hour flight.

Besides being somewhat logical or related, a reward needs to be reasonable. If you are asking a child to do something you know they don’t like doing, then it is reasonable to give a bigger reward. For example, if your child doesn’t like certain guests that you like, then work out a deal such as this: “I know you don’t like these people, but they are my friends. If you keep a friendly and polite attitude, I will do something really special for you. I will take you to the zoo next weekend.” In this example, you give a big reward, because you are asking your child to do something out of the usual routine of life, and you know it is difficult for your child to do.

Children are more cooperative if we recognize what is difficult for them and give a little more because they cooperated. Whenever a recurring pattern of resistance is discovered, the best solution is to prepare in advance for it next time with a big reward.

REWARDING TEENAGERS

Rewards need to be age appropriate. Teenagers no longer need personal time as much, but they have other new needs.

They need money and help. Once a preteen or teen is making and spending money, then it also can be used to reward.

Ideally, it’s good not to use it too much of the time, but when used sparingly, it makes a big difference.

If a teen is resisting spending time in a situation, you could simply offer to pay them double their allowance or what they get paid for a day’s work. If extra money in not available, then a parent can offer to drive the teen somewhere or help with one of their chores.

Some parents have found it’s helpful to give their children rewards for improving their grades. Certainly, all children don’t need this motivation. Better grades may be rewarded with more money, or they may be rewarded with extra privileges. Although privileges should be given when a teen earns the trust to have greater freedom, better grades could be a way to earn that trust. For example, by making better grades, a teen proves that he or she is more responsible, and therefore trustworthy and capable of staying out later.

DEALING WITH A DEMANDING CHILD IN PUBLIC

If your child throws a tantrum in a public place, recognize that you don’t have the time to give the child what he or she needs on the spot to be more cooperative. This is when having your child’s favorite candy bar handy is very helpful.

You may not be able to listen with empathy to their feelings, but you can give a reward. You can remedy the situation by quickly offering your children a reward for cooperating. If you don’t have something up your sleeve or in your purse, rather than resist your child and make a big scene, recognize what he or she wants and if possible, give it to the child.

Even though this is placating the child, if only done occasionally, it is fine. It should, however, be a warning sign that you need to be tougher at home and not placate so much.

Next time prepare your children by letting him know that you know it is more difficult to be cooperative in a grocery store check-out line. Let him know that you don’t like waiting in long lines either. Then make a deal, say something like this, “If you cooperate with Mommy at the grocery store, then we will have time to come home and have a bowl of your favorite cereal.” At the store, buy a box of that cereal to reinforce the deal. Throughout the shopping, let your children know how good they are doing and that soon they will be home eating a bowl of their favorite cereal.

REWARDS ARE LIKE DESSERT

When you offer children a reward, you are helping them once again connect to the part of themselves that wants to help. A reward doesn’t make them cooperate. Instead, it is another way to nurture a child’s natural motivation. Getting rewards or perks in life is like dessert. If all you ate was dessert, then you wouldn’t get the nutrients you need from the meal. One of the reasons we give desserts at the end of a meal is that desserts alone will satisfy your hunger, and you will not be motivated to eat the foods that are good for your health. In a similar way, by relying only on rewards, children will lose their appetite to cooperate.

When an adult works only for the rewards then something is missing. They work only to get what they want and forget their underlying desire is to be of service. They don’t care about doing a really good job. They only do what is required to get by. This is unhealthy.

On the other hand, it is just as unhealthy to be of service and not think about any reward or payment when your family is at home and in need. Successful adults think of both themselves and others. They care about making a difference, and they make sure they get what they need and want as well. Appropriately rewarding our children prepares them to be successful adults.

It is important for our children to learn that life is a process of give and take. If you give, then you get. To get more, you give more. Each time you ask your children to give a little more and promise to give them a little more, they are learning important lessons about life. They are learning how to make deals and negotiate. They are learning that they deserve more when they give more, and they learn to put off their immediate want in favor of some greater want in the future.

LEARNING FROM NATURAL CONSEQUENCES

For many parents, there is an implied assumption that if children don’t cooperate then they are bad. They believe that good children should just automatically cooperate. Positive parenting recognizes that when children don’t cooperate they are not bad, they are just not getting what they need. At times of resistance, a parent is required either to give them what they need or use rewards to motivate them in that moment.

Some parenting approaches mistakenly recommend avoiding resistance by letting children do what they want and learn from the natural consequences. For example, if a child resists putting on his coat, let him go out in the cold without his coat and get sick. Then he will learn his lesson.

This thinking is not correct. It just teaches the child that he can’t rely on his parents for guidance.

Just as I was writing this passage my wife came in to share a relevant example. Lauren (age thirteen) had left her school paper in the computer at home. She had been working hard to finish her project on time and was very proud.

Bonnie was going to bring this paper to her so she wouldn’t lose points for turning it in late.

Some parents would say she needed to be taught the consequence of forgetting. She would not get the joy of turning her paper in on time. She would then learn from her loss.

This is just old fear-based thinking. Instead, why not learn from her gain? Why not learn that her parents care, and they will do what they can to help? If your spouse forgot something, you would want to help him or her. You would do what you could. Our children need this support just as much or even more. Learning that they will get support from their family is much more important than learning how it feels to lose points on a paper you worked hard to finish on time.

The school of natural consequences would say this was an opportune time to teach her what happens when she forgets things so that she will remember better in the future. It is true that she will be afraid of forgetting in the future, but fear is not really the best motivator. One can remember to bring something without fear. Positive parenting doesn’t require fear to motivate children to remember. The experience of success also motivates children to remember.

When we are afraid of making mistakes, we make more mistakes. Most people have experienced that fear tends to attract the very thing we are afraid of. For example, when I wear a new tie, I will often get a spot on it the first time I wear it. On the other hand, I get more compliments the first time I wear it.

If I am thinking how nice my tie is, more people notice it and compliment me on it. If I am very nervous about spilling food on it, it happens inevitably. The fear of making mistakes not only creates unnecessary anxiety in our lives, but it also causes us to make more mistakes.

An awareness of positive consequences is a better motivator; fear is not necessary to teach a child an awareness of consequences. Leave natural consequences up to nature; don’t play God. Instead, parents should do their best to support their children. If you can’t give them a particular support, don’t; but if you can, do.

The difficult issue here is: Am I sacrificing too much to give to my children? When parents deprive themselves, then they are giving too much and it will tend to make children overly demanding.

Giving too much can be easily corrected. Your children will let you know when you are giving too much. They will become overly demanding or you will begin to resent their demands. At this point, you need to back up from giving so much. This kind of adjusting is normal and to be expected.

THE FEAR OF REWARDS

Sometimes parents are afraid that if they give rewards their children will lose their natural motivation to cooperate.

They imagine giving rewards and then having a child who says “What’s in it for me,” every time you ask him or her to do something. They go on to imagine an unwilling child demanding more and more in return for cooperation. While this nightmare is unlikely, it may occur if the child is not getting his other needs met as well.

Whenever you ask children to cooperate, a healthy part of them does ask “What’s in it for me,” and as long as they are getting what they need, they don’t demand more.

Children cooperate because all children are born wanting to cooperate in order to get the love they need. When children are aware of a need and trust that they will get the support they need, then they are more than willing to be cooperative.

As long as children basically get what they need, then they feel their needs and don’t get lost in their wants. This awareness of their need for parental support makes children more considerate and cooperative. They don’t ask for more all the time. They don’t just focus on “what’s in it for me” and demand more. As a general rule, children only focus on wanting more when they are not feeling what they really need.

Children primarily need rewards to overcome their resistance when they are not getting what they need in the moment. Offering to give a reward simply promises them that they will get more and suddenly they return to their natural willingness to be cooperative. Making deals and promising rewards is not caving in and giving children whatever they may want. It is actually the opposite: Giving a reward is asking the child to cave in to your wish and in return get more later. It is one of the most powerful ways to teach a child delayed gratification.

Sometimes giving rewards is not enough to minimize resistance and increase cooperation. When giving rewards doesn’t work, then it’s time to assert your leadership as parent or boss.

When parenting becomes a little too child-centered and focused on giving children whatever they want, then the parents must assert their leadership to regain control. In the next two chapters, we will explore how this is done.