Confessions of a GP

Magic wand

My niece was five and for her birthday she got a pink fairy outfit that she insisted on wearing every day. The outfit came complete with a pink glittery magic wand, which, upon waving, lit up and made a ‘didledidledidledidledeeee’ magic wand-type sound. I would love to borrow the fairy outfit and magic wand for some of my more difficult patients…

So, Kelly. Let me summarise, you’re a 25-year-old single mum with three screaming children. You live in a cold, damp two-bedroom council flat and you’ve just had a big row with your mum and sister. It is a miserable wet day in late November and you’ve got no money for Christmas. You’ve been depressed for years and have already tried several different types of antidepressants but nothing has helped and today you’ve come to see me so that I can give you a pill to make you happy. Hold on, I’ll just get my magic wand… Didledidledidledidledeeee.

So, Mr Jackson, you’ve been having headaches everyday for 30 years. You’ve had multiple brain scans and blood tests and have been seen by three very good neurologists. A cause for your headaches has never been found and no medication has ever helped resolve them. You’ve come to see me today because you have a headache and want me to cure it… Didledidledidledidledeeee.

You have a cold and feel like shit… Didledidledidledidledeeee.

Of course, if I really had a magic wand, I wouldn’t waste it on my heart-sink patients. There are much more important problems in the world to resolve:

Didledidledidledidledeeee… West Ham win the Premiership.

Didledidledidledidledeeee… Man United get relegated and Alex Ferguson cries on Match of the Day.

Didledidledidledidledeeee… Kylie lives next door to me but is otherwise unchanged.

Didledidledidledidledeeee… Kylie finally realises that she has always found slightly geeky, big-nosed doctors really quite attractive.

Didledidledidledidledeeee… Various other stuff involving myself and Kylie that I couldn’t possible put into print because my wife would kill me.

Okay… Didledidledidledidledeeee… World peace, end to poverty, reversal of climate change, etc. Yawn. Yawn.

Finally then I might find the energy to use my magic wand for the benefit of my heart-sink patients or I might just magic them off to another doctor.

I know that most of my patients with chronic health problems realise I don’t have a magic wand or expect miracle cures. They want some of my time for support, reassurance and practical advice to help get them through difficult times. I’m quite happy to offer that but you’d be surprised about how many of my patients really do want a magic cure.

Didledidledidledidledeeee… My book outsells Harry Potter and I’m played by Brad Pitt in the Hollywood film adaptation.