Confessions of a GP

Maintaining interest

After practising medicine for some time, the average grumpy doctor will have seen many thousands of patients pass before him or her. In the early part of our careers we greet every medical condition with genuine intrigue and gusto, but as the years pass it can become harder and harder to muster up the enthusiasm to keep ourselves awake during slow afternoon surgeries.

Having said that, there are a few ways in which you, the patient, can grab the attention of even the most indifferent of doctors:

1. Have a rare condition. Your diagnosis should be common enough that we learnt about it at medical school but rare enough to be something that we have never actually seen before in the flesh. Be warned, however, that if it is so rare that we can’t recognise it or have never heard of it, our feelings of incompetence will lead to frustration and resentment, which will most likely be taken out on you.

2. Have a diagnosis with a good name. I love the way molluscum contagiosum rolls off the tongue. The delightful Latin words entertain me so much that I have forgiven the fact that the condition they describe is an extremely mundane skin lesion that I have seen many hundreds of times.

3. Make me laugh. I will pardon a boring medical condition if it was obtained in a comical fashion. Sprained ankles are very dull but you will be entirely absolved if you managed to achieve your sprain by trying to do the moonwalk in a kebab shop while dressed as Scooby-Doo. If you actually just sprained your ankle by stepping awkwardly off the kerb, make up a more entertaining story and your doctor will view you in a better light.

4. Be attractive. When I was working in A&E, the orthopaedic surgeons were famous for avoiding seeing patients at any cost. The only time we ever saw them demonstrate any degree of enthusiasm about their chosen profession was when a particularly beautiful dance student injured her knee. I’m sure she didn’t really need admitting but they insisted that they kept a close eye on her on the ward for a few days.

5. Have a truly embarrassing problem. It must be awful to have to tell your doctor that you have an object stuck up your bottom, but if it is any consolation, it will absolutely make your doctor’s day. For me, the icing on the cake is always the ridiculous accompanying explanation: ‘So I was trying to save water by washing the vegetables while also taking a shower and then I slipped and what are the chances of landing on that courgette…’

I am proud to say that I do listen and show interest in my patients because I still maintain enthusiasm for my job. This is not because my day-to-day work in general practice is on the cutting edge of medical science, but because I have a genuine interest in the people and the stories behind the science of the illnesses. Of course, quite rightly when you are ill or injured, you have absolutely no reason to give two monkeys’ whether your condition holds any academic curiosity or entertainment value to the doctor you’re seeing – and why should you? Just one thing, though, if at the end of a long surgery you are 15 minutes through a monologue describing the detailed chronology of your athlete’s foot, don’t be overly offended if your doctor’s eyes glaze over somewhat.