Confessions of a GP

Gary

I always found Gary to be slightly overbearing. He was a salesman of some sort and always shook my hand very firmly and maintained eye contact for a little too long. I was scared that one of these days he was going to talk me into buying a photocopier. This day he was a little more bashful.

‘I need your help, Dr Daniels. I had a little mishap at the Christmas party with one of the girls in the office. It was just a bit of drunken fun, but she’s just told me that she’s got chlamydia. I’ll be honest with you, Doctor, I’m fucking terrified. If my wife finds out, she’ll leave me. I’m already on my last chance. We’ve got two kids.’

‘Well, the best people to deal with this sort of thing are the doctors in the sexual health clinic. I could give you their telephone number.’

‘I’m not going to the clap clinic, Doctor. If somebody sees me there, I’m a dead man. I’ve had a look on the internet and I just need some of this antibiotic called azithromycin. One tablet does the job and we can just sort this out here and now.’

‘Well, it’s not ideal. Really, it would be better to test you. Have you had any symptoms? Burning when you pee? Milky discharge from your penis?’

‘I’ve had nothing like that but I’m not taking any chances and I’m not having you stick a swab down my little guy. I just need a prescription for the one-off antibiotic…and one for my wife.’

‘Have you told her?’

‘God, no! She’d leave me. Now this azithromycin stuff, would it dissolve in her tea? I was thinking about crumbling the tablet into a pasta sauce but was worried that the cooking process might damage it.’

‘Look, I can’t encourage you to be secretly drugging your wife with antibiotics. What if she has an allergic reaction? It’s my name on the prescription. I would have to take responsibility.’

‘Doctor, please work with me here. Man to man. My marriage is on the line. Why don’t you prescribe me a double dose and what I do with the pills is my responsibility. I don’t mind paying for them.’

‘Look, I feel really uncomfortable about this. I appreciate your predicament but I’m not prepared to prescribe you this medication knowing that you’re going to give some secretly to your wife.’

‘Do you really want to be responsible for the break-up of a family, Dr Daniels?’

‘To be fair, it wasn’t me who cheated on my wife.’

‘You’re not paid to judge me, Doctor. Look, I’ve an idea. Why don’t you call my wife in for a smear and while your down there, you can do a quick swab for chlamydia.’

‘Look, we can’t just test people and give them medicines without them knowing. We need to have consent.’

‘There must be something you can do. If you don’t prescribe me these antibiotics, I’ll get them off the internet and that’s even more dodgy. God knows what I could be poisoning her with.’

‘I’ve got an idea. Why don’t you get yourself tested? It’s only a urine test and then if you’re negative, you don’t have to worry.’

‘And if I’m positive?’

‘We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.’

Thankfully, Gary tested negative and I never had to worry about a second attempt by him trying to talk me into secretly drugging his wife.