Eeny Meeny

37

Today had been the darkest of days. The worst since it happened. Today was the day of Ben’s funeral. To start with Peter Brightston had avoided his victim like the plague – didn’t want to know how his fiancée and friends were suffering or what they thought. But, as the days passed, he found himself spending more and more time online, checking out Ben’s memorial page, the messages on his Facebook page, climbing inside the life he’d destroyed.

Three days ago, he’d seen details of the funeral being posted by Ben’s best mate. It didn’t sound like it was going to be a big affair and Peter found himself wondering who would go from the firm. The partners would all attend and most of Ben’s team of course. But would the PAs go too? Would Peter be the only person who wasn’t there? For a mad moment he wondered if he should go, before dismissing it out of hand. If Ben’s friends saw him, they’d tear him limb from limb. And who could blame them? And yet a big part of Peter wanted to be there. To say goodbye. To say sorry.

He’d thought about writing to Ben’s fiancée, but Sarah had talked him out of it. She was right of course. In a fit of pique, he’d defied her and sat down to write to Jennie – but he hadn’t managed a single word. All the things he wanted to say – I didn’t want to do it, I wish I could turn back the clock – all sounded so empty and pointless. What he wanted, what he felt didn’t matter to her. What mattered to her was the fact that he’d stabbed her fiancé in the face to save his own skin.

Had it been worth it? Peter wasn’t sure any more. After the adrenalin and shock had worn off, he’d felt nothing but a crushing emptiness, as if he’d lost his sense of taste, smell, touch, and was now merely existing rather than living.

What was he going to do with his life now? Could he go back to work? Would he be accepted? Anything would be better than going slowly crazy at home.

If only Ben had pulled the trigger. He could have done. He’d had the time. Did he hesitate because he was a chicken or because he was moral? If he’d pulled the trigger then it would be him drowning in a sea of guilt, whilst Peter would be safe and sound under the ground.

Selfish bastard.