Eeny Meeny

67

‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that. I didn’t mean what I said, I didn’t mean to hurt you and I’m sorry that I did.’

The words poured from her and Jake accepted her apology gracefully, gently nodding his forgiveness. When she’d turned up, he’d thought twice about letting her in, but after a moment’s hesitation had relented. It’s all very well in principle saying you’re going to cut someone out of your life, but when they are there on your doorstep, asking for your help, it’s hard to turn them away.

‘Can we go back to normal?’

It was ineloquently put but sincerely meant and it struck Jake in that moment that everybody had their own idea of ‘normal’, each person’s definition of it as weird and messed up as everybody else’s. He had been wrong to judge her so quickly, even if her anger and verbal abuse had been vile and unwarranted. She had clearly suffered – he didn’t know when or why – and if he made her feel better then that was a good thing. His own journey to the life he now led had been unpredictable and individual. Born to parents who never really wanted children, Jake had been palmed off on countless grannies and aunties – each as uninterested as the rest – until eventually entering the merry-go-round of foster care. He had suffered along the way – not in a bad way – but it’s hard to be unloved and not feel pain. Learning to control and use that pain had been the making of him, a way of managing his anxieties and expiating his demons in ways that excited him and others. He’d tried the submissive route and after he’d got over his initial fear had enjoyed it well enough, but in his heart of hearts he liked to be in control. He knew that deep down it was his insecurities that made the choice for him, but he could live with that. He was in charge now and that was what mattered.

He had reached a place in life where things were ordered and good. Which is why he knew that he would take her back. She had hurt him but was penitent. Did she have anyone else? Jake thought not and realized for the first time that she needed him. To reject her would be cruel and dangerous.

‘Yes, we can go back to normal. But I’ve got a client coming in five, so…’

She took the hint and left, but not before she had crossed the room and hugged him. Another breach of protocol, but Jake would let it go because it felt good. He watched her go, surprised at how relieved he felt. She needed him for sure, but perhaps he was now beginning to realize that he needed her.