Every Boy's Got One

e-mails

___________________________________________

To: Jane Harris

Fr: Claire Harris

Re: You

I hope this thing works! You said you’d be able to get emails in Italy, so I hope you get this. Everything here is fine, don’t worry. Well, Dad stuck his hand in the wood chipper again, but he was wearing his chain-mail gloves, so he just broke a blade, didn’t lose a finger. He is so forgetful sometimes!

Anyway, I know I’m not supposed to say anything to Holly’s mom about how she and Mark are eloping, and you don’t need to worry, I haven’t said a word, even though I saw her at book group last night and she was practically in tears when we were discussing the scene in which the couple in the book— another one by that nice man who wrote A Walk to Remember … he’s just so talented. But why do all his characters have to die at the end?—got married.

When we asked what was wrong, poor Marie said all she’s ever wanted is to see Holly settled. You know how Holly was always dying her hair purple and getting things pierced and dating the most inappropriate people all through those years you two were in school together. (Thank goodness you were never like that! You’ve always been so sensible. I thought your new friend Malcolm was so sweet when I met him last July. How is his investment banking job, anyway? I’m so happy you’ve finally found someone so responsible! And he looks so young ! You’d hardly know he was your age. Must be good genes!)

I really wanted to say something to Marie like, “Well, you aren’t going to have to worry much longer about Holly staying single,” but of course I didn’t.

Although I sort of wish I had said something now, since Marie went on to say, “I don’t care who she marries, as long as he’s a nice Catholic boy! I have nothing against this Mark of hers, but he’s, you know. Not one of us .”

Oh, dear. I don’t think Marie is going to be very happy when she gets Holly and Mark’s telegram telling her they’ve gotten married.

And Mark is such a nice boy, too. It’s such a shame.

Well, I hope you arrived safely. Be careful of pickpockets in Rome. I hear they like to careen past tourists on Vespas through those little narrow streets and snatch handbags and cameras right off by the shoulder strap! So be sure not to wear your shoulder strap slung across your body or you could be dragged to your death.

Love,

Mom

PS Love to The Dude!

PPS What is Mark’s friend like? Is he nice? I’m sure he must be, if he’s a friend of Mark’s!

___________________________________________

To: Mark Levine

Fr: Ruth Levine

Re: Hello!

Hi, sweetie! I know you’re off to Europe today with your little friends, but I just wanted you to know that last night we had dinner with the Schramms—you remember, you learned to swim in Susie Schramm’s backyard pool when you were four—and Lottie Schramm told me that Susie is a corporate lawyer in—get this—NEW YORK CITY! Yes! She works at a firm called Hertzog, Webber, and Doyle on Madison Avenue (so fancy!), and lives on the Upper East Side, not three blocks from your own place! Isn’t that incredible? I’m surprised the two of you have never run into one another at H & H Bagels!

In any case, Lottie gave me Susie’s email to pass along to you. It’s sschramm@hwd.com. You really ought to drop her a line, Mark. Dottie showed me a picture. Susie’s grown into a real beauty, and lost every bit of her baby fat (Dottie says because she does Pilates three times a week and hasn’t touched a carb in three years).

Hope you’re having fun! Don’t forget to wear a sweater in the evenings. I understand it can get chilly there at night.

Love,

Mom

___________________________________________

To: Ruth Levine

Fr: Mark Levine

Re: Hello!

Ma. Stop trying to fix me up with other women. I am in love with Holly. Got it? HOLLY.

Mark

___________________________________________

To: Holly Caputo

Fr: Inge Schumacher

Re: Greetings!

I am understand you will have arrived today! This is perfect. I am making your uncle’s house, Villa Beccacia, a home for you. All is ready except the towels which dry on line. I am understand three rooms beds to be made. You arrive by car tomorrow afternoon? You will call me at Villa Beccacia and I will greet you on the autobahn to show you way to villa.

I am hoping you do not mind, my great-grandson Peter visits me on school holiday during your stay. He is good boy, and drives each morning on his motorino to fetch the brotchen for you. Tschuss!

Inge Schumacher

Villa Beccacia

Castelfidardo, Marche

___________________________________________

To: Cal Langdon

Fr: Tara Samuels

Re: Travel Services

Success! I’ve booked you a seat to Rome on the 6P .M. flight today. I’m SO sorry about the confusion, and to make up for it, we managed to upgrade you to first class. Enjoy your flight!

Tara

___________________________________________

To: Claire Harris

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: You

Hi, Mom! I’m writing this to you from an Italian taxi cab! We’re on the way from the airport to the hotel where we’re staying for the night before going on to Holly’s uncle’s villa in the morning. Holly made the paper give us Blackberries for emergency use. I can see why they gave one to Holly, because she’s the art director, so her job is actually important. But ME??? I’m a freelancer, I don’t even really work there anymore. But Holly talked them into it. Isn’t that cool? Of course we have to give them back when we get home. But whatever.

It is so… different here. I mean, I’m only in the cab, but already, it looks way different from home. All of the billboards are in Italian! Well, I mean, I know you’d expect that, but I mean, REALLY in Italian. Like there are no recognizably English words AT ALL.

And all of the buildings have these roll-down metal shutters, painted in all these bright colors, to keep out the sun, because I guess it can get really hot, and no one has air-conditioning.

And there are window boxes EVERYWHERE, with CASCADES of red and pink and blue flowers frothing down them. It’s so pretty!

And everywhere you look are these funny little half-cars, like Volkswagen bugs that got cut in half, called Smart Cars. In fact the biggest car I’ve seen here is the minivan we’re in. I guess Italians aren’t really having big families anymore. Either that, or they don’t go anywhere with the kids.

I really don’t think you have to worry about my bag getting snatched, Mom. The only people I see on Vespas here are fashionably dressed, skinny women, with long flowing hair, driving around in long, pointy shoes with tiny little heels!

I’m so tired, I can’t type anymore. I can’t WAIT to get to the hotel so I can crash. I need a shower in the WORST way.

Love to Dad. Tell him to keep wearing those gloves.

Janie

PS The Dude was fine when I left him. Julio, the super’s son, is going to look in on him every day after school. I bought him some special tuna Pounce for a treat. For The Dude. Not Julio.

J

PPS Mark’s friend is NOT a nice guy. He’s totally awful! His name is Cal Langdon and he’s some hotshot reporter who thinks he’s all that. He doesn’t believe in marriage and thinks Mark is making a huge mistake. I don’t know how I’m going to survive a whole week in his company. HE’S NEVER HEARD OF WONDERCAT.

J

___________________________________________

To: Julio Chasez

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: The Dude

Hi, Julio! It’s me, Jane! I realize I’ve only been gone a day, but I just wanted to make sure everything is all right. You know, with The Dude. I know how he can get. Just make sure he gets two cans of fresh food a day (one before you leave for school, and one before you go to bed) PLUS dry food and fresh water, and he should be fine.

Be sure to wear the oven mitts if you have to touch him! And whatever you do, DON’T give him any catnip!

Thank you SO MUCH for taking care of him for me. You are the BEST!

Love,

Jane

___________________________________________

To: Jane Harris

Fr: Holly Caputo

Re: His Mother

Can you believe it? He got an email from his freaking mother about some girl from his hometown who lives in NY now. I’m going to lose it.

Holly

___________________________________________

To: Holly Caputo

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: His Mother

Um… why are you emailing me from inside the same car we are both sitting in? Also, I thought we were only supposed to use these things for work purposes.

J

___________________________________________

To: Jane Harris

Fr: Holly Caputo

Re: His Mother

I can’t exactly talk to you about the email he got from his mother IN FRONT OF HIM, now can I? Except this way.

And how are they ever going to know what we use these dumb things for, anyway? How are you holding up?

Holly

___________________________________________

To: Holly Caputo

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: His Mother

Good. It’s pretty here.

How do you know that his mom emailed him, anyway?

J

___________________________________________

To: Jane Harris

Fr: Holly Caputo

Re: His Mother

Duh. I read it over his shoulder just now. I saw you and Cal talking at the baggage carousel. What did he say?

Holly

___________________________________________

To: Holly Caputo

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: His Mother

Oh. Nothing.

J

___________________________________________

To: Jane Harris

Fr: Holly Caputo

Re: His Mother

Come on! SPILL!

Holly

___________________________________________

To: Holly Caputo

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: His Mother

Is this a setup? Are you and Mark playing Fix Up the Best Friends? Because I told you before, I’m TAKEN. Besides. He’s not my type.

J

___________________________________________

To: Jane Harris

Fr: Holly Caputo

Re: His Mother

You have a type ? What is it? The only thing the guys you’ve dated have in common is that they’ve all been unemployed. Or, if they HAD jobs, they were also screwing Amy Jenkins, like Dave.

Holly

___________________________________________

To: Holly Caputo

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: His Mother

Whatever happened to her, anyway?

J

___________________________________________

To: Jane Harris

Fr: Holly Caputo

Re: His Mother

Who? Amy Jenkins?

She married a rich lawyer, moved to Pound Ridge, and squeezed out two kids.

Holly

___________________________________________

To: Holly Caputo

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: His Mother

No! No, she didn’t! Why did you tell me that? THAT’S NOT FAIR!!! She tried to ruin my life!!! Why should SHE have a happy ending?

J

___________________________________________

To: Jane Harris

Fr: Holly Caputo

Re: His Mother

You call living in Pound Ridge with a lawyer and two kids a happy ending? You so know she spends her days working out and helping the nanny make wheat-free snacks.

Don’t worry. In a couple of years she’ll pudge out and he’ll trade her in for a younger model and she won’t be able to get a job to support herself anywhere because she doesn’t have any references, and one day you and Cal will pull into an outlet Benetton to pick up a pair of socks and she’ll be working the cash register.

Holly

___________________________________________

To: Holly Caputo

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: His Mother

I don’t want to talk about this anymore.

J

___________________________________________

To: Jane Harris

Fr: Holly Caputo

Re: His Mother

Why not?

Holly

___________________________________________

To: Holly Caputo

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: His Mother

Well, for one thing, he’s sitting right next to me! He might see! Cut it out!

J

___________________________________________

To: Jane Harris

Fr: Holly Caputo

Re: His Mother

He’s not paying attention. He has his own emails to catch up on. Come on. What did he say? He must have said SOMETHING. You guys just sat next to each other for seven hours. Are you telling me he didn’t say ANYTHING that entire time?

Holly

___________________________________________

To: Holly Caputo

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: His Mother

Nothing. Really. Oh, at the baggage carousel, he said he was sorry for stepping on my foot.

J

___________________________________________

To: Jane Harris

Fr: Holly Caputo

Re: His Mother

That’s IT? Wow. That’s weird. Did he talk about his marriage at all?

Holly

___________________________________________

To: Holly Caputo

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: His Mother

HIS WHAT?????????????????????

J

___________________________________________

To: Jane Harris

Fr: Holly Caputo

Re: His Mother

God, use question marks much?

His MARRIAGE. He was married once, you know. He’s divorced. I just wondered if he’d mentioned it.

Holly

___________________________________________

To: Holly Caputo

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: His Mother

He didn’t say a word about this. But it explains an awful lot. Who was the NOT SO lucky girl?

J

___________________________________________

To: Jane Harris

Fr: Holly Caputo

Re: His Mother

Her name was Valerie Something. I don’t know, really, it was ten years ago, back when he and Mark just graduated from college. They met in a bar. He was the newest cub reporter, and she was a model. They went out for about a month before he decided she was the best thing that ever happened to him and married her. They only lasted about a year. Apparently, as soon as the divorce was final, she married an investment banker, and Cal asked for an overseas post. According to Mark, she broke Cal’s heart.

And what did you mean by that explains an awful lot?

Holly

___________________________________________

To: Holly Caputo

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: His Mother

Nothing.

Oh, so you’re saying he has a heart after all?

J

___________________________________________

To: Jane Harris

Fr: Holly Caputo

Re: His Mother

Come on. He’s a nice guy. He’s had a crappy time with women—I guess his mother left to “find herself” when he was still in high school, and lately, his little sister’s followed suit. He was just put through the wringer by another model, and spent the past decade recovering in places where they don’t have cell phone service. Or working toilets. Can you blame him for being a little rough around the edges?

Besides, he can’t be THAT bad. Mark says Cal’s always been a real ladies’ man—that he’s got a girl in every port, if you know what I mean. In fact, Mark was sure you two would hit it off right away. He said you’re just Cal’s type. Apparently, he’s partial to brunettes.

He really must not like you.

Holly

___________________________________________

To: Holly Caputo

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: His Mother

Wow. That’s really nice to know. Thanks so very much for that.

J

PS Oh, and thanks for trying to fix me up with him, but even if I COULD stand him, which I can’t, he’s a modelizer. You KNOW once a guy’s had a model, he can never go back. So, nice try.

___________________________________________

To: Cal Langdon

Fr: Mark Levine

Re: Benvenuto

The girls are emailing back and forth about us.

Mark

___________________________________________

To: Mark Levine

Fr: Cal Langdon

Re: Benvenuto

That is blatantly obvious.

Cal

___________________________________________

To: Cal Langdon

Fr: Mark Levine

Re: Benvenuto

What do you think they’re saying?

Mark

___________________________________________

To: Mark Levine

Fr: Cal Langdon

Re: Benvenuto

I honestly could not care less.

Cal

___________________________________________

To: Cal Langdon

Fr: Mark Levine

Re: Benvenuto

Don’t you like her? Jane, I mean? Holly was sure you’d like her.

Mark

___________________________________________

To: Mark Levine

Fr: Cal Langdon

Re: Benvenuto

She seems harmless enough.

Cal

___________________________________________

To: Cal Langdon

Fr: Mark Levine

Re: Benvenuto

You don’t like her.

Mark

___________________________________________

To: Mark Levine

Fr: Cal Langdon

Re: Benvenuto

I didn’t say that. All I said was that she seemed harmless. Much in the way an anaconda seems harmless, when it’s wrapped around a tree branch ten feet above your head.

Cal

___________________________________________

To: Cal Langdon

Fr: Mark Levine

Re: Benvenuto

She’s not like that.

And she already has a boyfriend, anyway.

So get over yourself, fathead.

Mark

___________________________________________

To: Mark Levine

Fr: Cal Langdon

Re: Benvenuto

Fathead. Harsh.

Cal

___________________________________________

To: Cal Langdon

Fr: Mark Levine

Re: Benvenuto

Seriously. ARE you seeing anyone—anyone SPECIAL—these days?

Mark

___________________________________________

To: Mark Levine

Fr: Cal Langdon

Re: Benvenuto

They’re all special, my friend.

But special enough to shackle myself to her for the rest of eternity, the way you’re doing?

No.

But your concern for my romantic well-being is, as always, greatly appreciated.

Cal

___________________________________________

To: Cal Langdon

Fr: Mark Levine

Re: Benvenuto

Look, it’s just that I know how tough things were for you after—

___________________________________________

To: Mark Levine

Fr: Cal Langdon

Re: Benvenuto

Oh, look. The hotel. Stop e-ing me, please.

Cal

___________________________________________

RICEVUTA TAXI-ROMA

Percoso:

Da… Fiumacino A… Hotel Alexander

Firma

Importo Corsa 80.00 Euro

___________________________________________

___________________________________________

Benvenuto al nostro albergo!

(Welcome to our Hotel!)

Gentile Ospite,

Nel porgerLe il nostro cordiale benevuto, abbiamo pensato fe FarLe cosa gradita offrendoLe, al suo arrivo, un assaggio di acqua dalle proprietaria salutari.

Dear Guest,

We wish to express our warmest welcome to our hotel. Given our genuine care for our Guests, we invite you to enjoy the healthy qualities of this bottled water.

___________________________________________