Every Boy's Got One

e-mails

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To: Mark Levine

Fr: Cal Langdon

Re: I’m going to kill you

What in hell is a Wondercat?

Cal

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To: Cal Langdon

Fr: Mark Levine

Re: I’m going to kill you

Excuse me. I don’t believe you are allowed to use these things on planes.

Mark

PS You didn’t tell her you didn’t know who Wondercat is, did you?

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To: Mark Levine

Fr: Cal Langdon

Re: I’m going to kill you

You can’t use them while you’re in the air, according to the FAA— although I doubt the veracity of this, as I’ve left mine on plenty of times and none of my flights have ever plummeted into the sea because of it.

You can, however, still legally use them when you’re sitting uselessly on the tarmac while the air control tower guys are having a limbo contest, as they are apparently doing right now because I can see no other conceivable reason why we’re not being allowed to take off.

And yes, I did ask her what a Wondercat was. Is that why she is busy scribbling into the travel diary she bought at the duty free? Because I offended her so deeply with my lack of knowledge about her cat?

Cal

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To: Cal Langdon

Fr: Mark Levine

Re: I’m going to kill you

Yes. And stop emailing me, Holly keeps asking who I’m writing to. I told her it was the hospital, and now she’s mad that the hospital is emailing me when I’m supposed to be eloping.

Mark

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To: Mark Levine

Fr: Cal Langdon

Re: I’m going to kill you

How would the hospital even know that, anyway? The word elope means to run away with a lover with the intention of wedding in secret. How secret is your wedding going to be if the hospital knows about it?

C

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To: Cal Langdon

Fr: Mark Levine

Re: I’m going to kill you

I had to tell the hospital I was getting married.And the paper. They weren’t going to give the time off, or let me out of my column, otherwise. DON’T TELL Holly. She still thinks the only people who know what we’re really doing are the four of us.

And of course the entire art department at the New York Journal . But she doesn’t know that I know that.

Mark

PS Quit writing to me. I’m turning this thing off.

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To: Mark Levine

Fr: Cal Langdon

Re: You Dog

Your secret’s safe with me.

But seriously. Is this girl one of those cat people? For the love of God please tell me I’m not going to be stuck in a middle seat in coach next to one of those cat people. She doesn’t carry around pictures of it in her wallet, does she? Her cat? Because I will suffer an aneurysm midair if that’s the case—

AT THIS TIME THE CAPTAIN HAS REQUESTED THAT ALL ELECTRONIC DEVICES BE TURNED OFF AND STOWED AWAY UNTIL WE HAVE REACHED CRUISING ALTITUDE