Every Boy's Got One

e-mails

To: Listserv

Fr: Peter Schumacher

Re: JANE HARRIS

Greetings! I have served breakfast to JANE HARRIS! I surprise her very much with the brotchen and hot coffee! She had just had her morning swimming when I come into yard with tray prepared by my grandmother! She scream very big!

But then she sees it is only me, and I put down tray beside her pool couch, and we have the coffee and brotchen. I bring also the Nutella, and JANE HARRIS likes this very much! We have nice chat, and I find out IMPORTANT NEWS FLASH:

JANE HARRIS HAS DEVELOPMENT DEAL WITH CARTOON NETWORK FOR WUNDERCAT ANIMATED SERIES!!!!!!!!!!

Yes!!! Perhaps we will be seeing Wundercat on television soon!

I am very interested as JANE HARRIS is telling this to me, but then one of the mans she is traveling with (don’t worry, boys, he is NOT her boyfriend. In the words of JANE HARRIS: “HIM? MY BOYFRIEND? NO WAY!”) Cal Longdon comes out of the house and says he wants to speak alone with JANE HARRIS.

So I start to go, but JANE HARRIS says “No, Peter, you stay.” And so I give Cal Longdon some brotchen and coffee too and we three sit and talk about politics for very long time before daughter of the sister of the man who owns the villa where JANE HARRIS is staying comes out and says they must go to Castelfidardo.

I am thinking I will ride on my motorino to Castelfidardo also today to see if JANE HARRIS needs anything more.

That is the report from WUNDERCAT CENTRAL! More news as it is received!

Over and out,

Peter, #1 Wundercat Fan Of All Time

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To: Peter Schumacher

Fr: Martin Schneck < m.schneck@comixunderground.com>

Re: JANE HARRIS

How is JANE HARRIS looking in a bathing suit? You did not tell!

Martin Schneck

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To: Claire Harris

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: Hi!

Right now we’re in the car on the way to Castelfidardo to apply for Mark and Holly’s marriage license!

It’s so exciting!

It’s also sooooooooooo beautiful here. Even the BILLBOARDS seem more attractive than they do back home. They’re definitely more interesting… even though I can’t read them.

And the food! I just had the best breakfast of my LIFE… something called Nutella on this freshly baked— still warm from the oven— bread. Oh my God, I thought I had died and gone to heaven.

Anyway, hope you and Dad are well!

Ciao for now!

J

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To: Jane Harris

Fr: Cal Langdon

Re: Time to talk

Since you seem so reticent to discuss this face-to-face, I see no alternative other than to continue our eversation. I believe you were saying something to the effect that I ought to mind my own business where matters of Mark’s heart were concerned, and I was busy maintaining that I felt it my duty as a loyal friend to warn him of the emotional and financial jeopardy in which he is placing himself. Have you given the matter more thought, or are you still blinded by the romance of the thing?

Cal

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To: Cal Langdon

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: Time to talk

Oh my God, I can’t believe you’re e-ing me from the front seat AGAIN. CUT IT OUT!

J

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To: Jane Harris

Fr: Cal Langdon

Re: Time to talk

What other choice do you leave me when you won’t speak to me in person? I haven’t budged from my position that these two are making an enormous mistake. Have you, perhaps, come around to my way of thinking? I notice you seemed reluctant to leave the pool today when your friend Holly was urging us to get ready for the trip to Castelfidardo….

Cal

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To: Cal Langdon

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: Time to talk

Because I was having a nice time at the pool! At least until YOU showed up there.

And no, I haven’t changed my mind. Holly and Mark belong together, and I don’t understand why

anyone would think otherwise.

And I’m not “blinded by the romance of the thing,” as you put it. It’s sweet, that’s all. And if you do anything to try to ruin it, you’re a creep!

J

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To: Jane Harris

Fr: Cal Langdon

Re: Time to talk

A creep?

Cal

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To: Cal Langdon

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: Time to talk

You heard me. Or read me. A CREEP. Only a creep would try to talk his best friend out of marrying the girl of his dreams. Don’t even tell me that isn’t what you were up all night doing down there on the terrazza.

J

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To: Jane Harris

Fr: Cal Langdon

Re: Time to talk

How do you know what I was up all night doing? You went to bed at ten.

Cal

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To: Cal Langdon

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: Time to talk

I just happened to get up to get a drink of water, and I saw you out there. You and Mark.

But it didn’t work, obviously. Or we wouldn’t be making this trip to Castelfidardo, now, would we?

J

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To: Jane Harris

Fr: Cal Langdon

Re: Time to talk

I didn’t get a chance to speak to Mark, due to the fact that the excessive amount of alcohol he put away at dinner rendered him comatose. Not, I would like to add, a good sign that he is looking forward to his impending nuptials with joy.

Cal

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To: Cal Langdon

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: Time to talk

Oh, please.I could drink Mark under the table. He’s always been a lightweight. He was probably just trying to keep up with you. That doesn’t mean ANYTHING.

Besides, every guy has the right to let off a little steam before he gets married.

J

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To: Jane Harris

Fr: Cal Langdon

Re: Time to talk

> every guy has the right to let off a little steam before he gets married.<

Proving my point that marriage is an unnatural and antiquated institution that ought to be abolished. The fact that it is traditional for men to get blind stinking drunk the night before their wedding just shows that it is a state into which they are entering against their better judgment.

WOMEN want marriage. Men do not. Mark’s behavior last evening proves deep down, he doesn’t want this. And you know it.

Cal

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To: Cal Langdon

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: Time to talk

You’re so weird. Seriously. Are you this way about EVERYTHING? I mean, do you have to overthink every little thing? Don’t you ever just DO stuff, without thinking about it first?

Or is it BECAUSE you did something once, without weighing the consequences, and got burned, that you are so anti-marriage?

J

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To: Jane Harris

Fr: Cal Langdon

Re: Time to talk

And I suppose you’re going to claim you haven’t been dreaming about your wedding day since you were seven? Dressing your Barbies up in bridal veils and walking them down the aisle with poor hapless Ken since you were nine? Sketching designs of your dream wedding gown since your teens, and viewing every male you met after the age of twenty as potential husband/father-of-your-children material, weighing his earning potential against his looks and assessing the chances of his remaining faithful to you?

Cal

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To: Cal Langdon

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: Time to talk

You didn’t answer my question.

J

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To: Jane Harris

Fr: Cal Langdon

Re: Time to talk

You didn’t answer mine.

Cal

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To: Cal Langdon

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: Time to talk

Fine. Yes, I had Barbie weddings. Yes, I’ve sketched bridal gowns.

And, yes, I’ve sized up potential boyfriends, wondering whether or not they were going to be faithful to me.

But I’ve never cared about their EARNING potential. Truly. You can ask Holly.

And as for being good father material, how can I worry about who’s going to be the father of my children when I’m not even sure I WANT children? My career is just starting out. I want to see how that goes before I attempt to bring another life form into this world.

Besides which, I already have a cat. That is quite enough responsibility right now.

J

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To: Jane Harris

Fr: Cal Langdon

Re: Time to talk

Are you seriously comparing owning a cat to raising a child?

Cal

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To: Cal Langdon

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: Time to talk

Um, you haven’t met The Dude.

J

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To: Jane Harris

Fr: Cal Langdon

Re: Time to talk

Who is The Dude?

Cal

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To: Cal Langdon

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: Time to talk

My cat. And you still haven’t answered MY question.

J

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To: Jane Harris

Fr: Cal Langdon

Re: Time to talk

I can’t remember what it was.

Cal

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To: Cal Langdon

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: Time to talk

Isn’t it true that the only reason you’re so anti-love-and-marriage is because your own didn’t work out?

J

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To: Jane Harris

Fr: Cal Langdon

Re: Time to talk

Absolutely not. The failure of my own marriage plays absolutely no part in my conviction that human beings are genetically incapable of monogamy. I believe we were meant to have seven or eight partners in a lifetime, not one. The idea that as a community we applaud those couples who manage to stay together forty or fifty years or longer is simply ridiculous. There’s something inherently wrong with celebrating couples like that. It simply isn’t natural to want to spend that much time with another human being.

Cal

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To: Cal Langdon

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: Time to talk

My parents will be celebrating their fortieth wedding anniversary next year. Are you saying there’s something inherently wrong with them?

J

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To: Jane Harris

Fr: Cal Langdon

Re: Time to talk

No offense to your parents, but basically, yes. Are you going to tell me that in all of those forty years, they’ve never fought or cheated on each other?

Cal

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To: Cal Langdon

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: Time to talk

Sure they’ve fought. They’re HUMAN. But cheated on each other? No way.

J

PS You’re an ass.

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To: Jane Harris

Fr: Cal Langdon

Re: Time to talk

I never said my theory was a very popular one. But it happens to be true.

Cal

PS Has anyone ever told you that you’re kind of cute when you’re mad?

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To: Cal Langdon

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: Time to talk

Are you FLIRTING with me?

It won’t work. I’m a little brighter than the women you’re so obviously used to.

Stop e-ing me, we’re here.

J

PS You’re still an ass.

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Marriage of an American Citizen in Italy

An American citizen planning to marry in Italy must obtain a declaration (called STATO LIBERO) sworn by four (4) witnesses before the Italian consulate, stating that according to the laws in which the citizen is subject in the United States there is no obstacle to his/her marriage. Therefore he/she must appear at this Consulate General with four unrelated friends not related to him/her nor to each other. Each of them has to bring a valid identification (Passport or Drivers License).

The citizen’s passport must also be presented and, if applicable, evidence of the termination of any previous marriage (final divorce decree or death certificate) translated into Italian and legalized by the competent Department of State with an “Apostille” (see page 2). The sworn statement has three months’ validity.

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