Every Boy's Got One

Travel Diary of Jane Harris

Travel Diary of Holly Caputo and Mark Levine

Jane Harris

Talk about weird.

I mean, that I’m stuck in a car with Cal Langdon, and I’m actually having a not-bad time.

What’s HAPPENING to me?

Why did he have to put his arm around me back at the consulate? Not that I didn’t like it—far from it, of course—but ever since then, I’ve been wishing it would happen again. Why do I even want to touch him, anyway? He’s a modelizer!

But he did come through for Mark and Holly. And against his will, even. I mean, he never wanted them to get married in the first place.

But I haven’t heard a peep of protest out of him all day. In fact, thanks to him, those two are going to have their dream wedding after all.

That’s gotta come as a blow to someone who is violently opposed to the institution of marriage. I wonder if he even realizes this.

Me: “Hey, so what happened to being all anti-marriage?”

Cal: “What?”

Me: (turning down Queen) “I thought you were totally against Holly and Mark getting married. So why’d you go along with this whole thing?”

Cal: “Are you recording this conversation in that book?”

Me: “Um. Sort of.”

Cal: “Great. What else did you say about me?”

Me: “That you drool in your sleep.”

Cal: “I do not.”

Me: “You do too. I saw it for myself this morning when I woke you up.”

Cal: (making a grab for this book) “Let me see that.”

Me: “Hey! Eyes on the road, mister. Seriously, what changed your mind?”

Cal: “About what?”

Me: “MARRIAGE!!! Why are you pro now, when you were anti before?”

Cal: “I’m still anti. Just not in the case of Mark and Holly. I changed my mind.”

Me: “Obviously. But why?”

Cal: “They just seem very… together. Like a couple should be. I guess.”

Me: “I told you.”

Cal: “That doesn’t make me pro-marriage, you know. It just makes me pro-Mark and Holly.”

Me: “That’s all I wanted. You remember. Back on the plane?”

Cal: “Well, I barely knew Holly then. I still think Mark would be better off seeing the world before he settles down. Don’t snort. It’s a big place, there’s a lot to see. A man shouldn’t let himself get tied down too young.”

Me: “Excuse me. Mark is thirty-five. That is middle-aged in many countries. And he TRIED exploring the world, remember? He got food poisoning for his efforts.”

Cal: “I realize all of that. That’s why I amended my opinion. About Mark and Holly.”

Me: “But not love and marriage in general.”

Cal: “I still believe marriage is an outdated institution. I also believe it robs people of their individual sense of self. I mean, just look at how women take their husbands’ names—”

Me: “Not ALL women.”

Cal: “The majority of them. Would you?”

Me: “Um. I’m the creator of Wondercat. YOU may never have heard of me, but lots of people have. If I changed my name, it would confuse my fans. And besides. I like my name the way it is. Even though, of course, it was handed down to me by a patriarchal society that subjugates women by robbing them of their birth identity upon marriage.”

Cal: “See? That’s what I’m talking about!”

Me: (snorting again) “Hello. I was kidding.”

Cal: “Oh. Well, that’s still what I’m talking about.”

Me: “No, it isn’t. That isn’t what you said before. You said you don’t believe in marriage because mammals are genetically incapable of monogamy, and I cited wolves and hawks as examples. Also that chemicals in the brain cause us to believe ourselves in love, when actually, we’re merely in lust. It’s right here in this book if you don’t believe me, I can look it up.”

Cal: “You put that conversation in there, too? Holly and Mark are going to read that!”

Me: “Er. Yeah. Maybe. Stop trying to change the subject. Do you really believe that? That human beings are incapable of monogamy? Because I can cite a lot of examples of marriages in which neither partner strayed—”

Cal: “How do you know?”

Me: “I think I’d know if my own parents were cheating on each other.”

Cal: “How? Unless they told you. You wouldn’t know. You’d have no idea.”

Me: “Well, what about Rhonda’s parents?”

Cal: “Who the hell is Rhonda?”

Me: “Rhonda. Of Rhonda and Paolo. Her parents were celebrating their thirty-fifth wedding anniversary.”

Cal: “You have no possible way of knowing whether or not Rhonda’s parents have been monogamous for those thirty-five years.”

Me: “True. Still. I’ll bet you twenty bucks they have been. Nobody goes on a cruise with a cheating spouse.”

Cal: “You are unbelievable.”

Me: “No, you are. Just because your ex-wife cheated on you, you think all women are incapable of being faithful. Admit it.”

Cal: “I never said any such thing.”

Me: “You didn’t have to. It’s totally obvious. When you say you think humans are incapable of monogamy, you mean women.”

Cal: “No, I don’t.”

Me: “Did you cheat on her?”

Cal: “Who?”

Me: “Valerie.”

Cal: “HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW HER NAME?”

Me: “Holly told me. Did you?”

Cal: “Of course not.”

Me: “See? I rest my case.”

Cal: “HOW? I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT!”

Me: “You distrust all women because of what one of them did to you. And that’s made you take this anti-marriage stance. But it’s not marriage that’s the problem. It’s ditzes like your ex who don’t take it seriously or get hitched for the wrong reasons or whatever. Don’t blame the institution of marriage for Valerie cheating on you. It wasn’t marriage that made her cheat. She was just a ho.”

Cal: “Oh my God. You are unbelievable.”

Me: “Yes. But I’m right, too. There’s the exit. Don’t miss it.”

He’s acting like he’s all shocked now that I would bring up this very private thing from his past.

And I guess it IS kind of rude to call someone’s ex a ho. But really, that’s what she is. Just like Dave is a male ho. But I haven’t let Dave’s predilection for humping soul-sucking Human Resource reps behind my back sour me on the idea of matrimonial bliss, or of someday finding that perfect someone, now, have I?

And really, I know that, technically, there’s no such thing as matrimonial bliss… marriage is work, and there are no soul mates. You just have to find the person who annoys you the least (at least according to Dr. Phil), or rather, annoys you in ways you can stand.

Really, I bet there’d be a lot less divorce if people realized this. A lot less marriages, too. But that might not be such a bad thing.

Oooooh, I smell horse! The Centro Ippico! We’re almost home!

___________________________________________

To: Listserv

Fr: Peter Schumacher

Re: JANE HARRIS

FANTASTIC NEWS, KIDS!!!! There is going to be a wedding after all!

This just in:

JANE HARRIS has driven all the way to Roma to get the APOSTILLE that her friends need to have the marriage! YES! She walked in at approximately 21:00 hours, while my grandmother and I were sitting at the banquet table in the villa, trying to get JANE HARRIS’s friends, who ate of the bad oysters but were finally starting to feel better, to drink some soup.

In walks JANE HARRIS holding up the APOSTILLE! The wedding will go on tomorrow morning as planned! The friends of JANE HARRIS, even though they are both still sickly, jump up and shout for joy! And JANE HARRIS says, “This is my wedding present to you!”

It is the best wedding present anyone has ever given to anyone, declares JANE HARRIS’s friend Holly.

My grandmother opens the bottle of champagne to celebrate.

So come one, come all, to the Ufficio of the Secretario of Castelfidardo tomorrow morning at 9:00!

This is Peter, #1 Fan of Wundercat, saying GOOD NIGHT!

Wundercat lives—4eva!

Peter

___________________________________________

To: Holly Caputo

Fr: Darrin Caputo

Re: Hello, it is your mother

Holly, this is your mother. Something horrible has happened. Your brother Darrin is going to get married. To a man. On the steps of City Hall. Where everyone will see.

You must come home at once. You know your brother has never listened to me or anyone else in this family. You must stop him from doing this. I cannot allow a child of mine to disgrace himself in this way.

I am begging you to talk your brother out of this crazy scheme. Perhaps Mark can help, as well. He’s a doctor, surely he must know how wrong it is to flagrantly defy the law in this way.

Counting on you to come home and do the right thing by your poor, confused brother,

Your mother