Every Boy's Got One

e-mails

To: Customer Service New York Journal Travel Privileges

Fr: Mark Levine

Re: Car Rental

I realize it’s Sunday, and that your offices are closed. However, when I made the reservation for a rental car in Rome, I specified that I needed a four-door sedan with trunk room for four VERY LARGE bags. I asked for a Jaguar or Mercedes, NOT a Toyota. Now I have to cram one of the bags in the backseat with two passengers, and we’re going to be driving through MOUNTAINS. Do you really think it’s safe to drive through a mountain range with a large, overstuffed suitcase between passengers in the backseat?

I didn’t think so. I’ll expect to hear from you on Monday.

Mark Levine, MD

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To: Julio Chasez

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: The Dude

Hi, Julio! I have to admit, I’m getting kind of worried. Is everything OK? I mean, you haven’t written back to me, and I just want to know if everything is going all right. I know you’re busy with school and hockey and all, but if you could just send me a tiny message, letting me know The Dude’s all right, I’d really appreciate it.

I think I’ll try your pager.

J

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To: Jane Harris

Fr: Holly Caputo

Re: Where are you?

????????????????????

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To: Holly Caputo

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: Where are you?

I’m still in the dining room, finishing breakfast. Where are YOU?

J

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To: Jane Harris

Fr: Holly Caputo

Re: Where are you?

Outside. Hurry up and finish and get out here. You’ve got to see this. Mark and Cal are trying to cram all of our bags into the trunk, only they won’t fit. So they’re doing physics. All serious, like it’s a puzzle or something. Something actually IMPORTANT. Get out here, or you’ll miss it.

Holly

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To: Holly Caputo

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: Where are you?

I’m not done with my yogurt yet.

J

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To: Jane Harris

Fr: Holly Caputo

Re: Where are you?

Oh my God, it’s just YOGURT. Get out here. You can have yogurt anytime.

Holly

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To: Holly Caputo

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: Where are you?

Not like this. This is the best yogurt I’ve ever had.

What does Fett-Grassi 3.7g mean anyway?

J

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To: Jane Harris

Fr: Holly Caputo

Re: Where are you?

Fat grams.

Holly

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To: Holly Caputo

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: Where are you?

SERIOUSLY??? SATURATED OR UNSATURATED??? OH MY GOD, I’VE EATEN FOUR CONTAINERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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To: Jane Harris

Fr: Claire Harris

Re: How are you?

Hi, honey! Thank you for emailing me back so promptly. I hope you made it to your hotel all right. Things here are good. Well, except for Dad nearly broke his tailbone from a fall off the roof as he was cleaning the gutters. But he bounced off the hydrangea bush, so all is well.

I don’t want you to worry, but after I wrote you yesterday I ran into Holly’s mother again, this time at the Kroger Sav-On, and I mentioned how lovely I thought it was that you all were going to Italy to stay in her uncle’s villa, and Marie didn’t seem to know a thing about it. I know I wasn’t supposed to mention the elope ment, but Holly did tell her mother she was going to her uncle’s, didn’t she? I hope I haven’t spoiled anything.

Love,

Mom

PS Cal Langdon, the reporter with the New York Journal ? Why, I just saw him on Charlie Rose the other night! He was being interviewed about some big book he’s just written. Apparently, it’s selling very well. He’s very handsome, Janie.

Still, imagine not thinking Mark should marry Holly. Those two were made for each other! And who’s never heard of Wondercat? What has he been doing, living under a rock???? Well, I guess so, actually, since his book is about Saudi Arabia….

Mom

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To: Claire Harris

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: How are you?

Hi, Mom! Things here are fine. Well, except that Holly and I are waiting for the guys to go check out of the hotel so that we can rearrange the way they’ve packed the rental car. It’s too small for all of us, plus our luggage, so Holly and I have to sit in the back with Holly’s giant suitcase. Which we don’t mind, especially, except that they packed our bag of Toblerone in the trunk. What good will it do anyone there?

We leave for Holly’s uncle’s villa today. It’s about a four-hour drive from Rome to where the house is, on the Adriatic coast. I can’t wait to see it! Everything here is just so different and fun. Even the yogurt is better.

But then I found out that’s because I was eating full fat yogurt for the first time in my life. Oh well.

I wouldn’t worry about Holly’s mom. People in their family borrow their uncle’s place all the time, since he’s away so much.

Tell Dad there are people he can hire to clean the gutters.

Love,

Janie

PS You saw Cal Langdon on Charlie Rose ? It figures. He is so full of himself. And as for his not thinking Holly and Mark are perfect for each other… Please! I don’t even like to remember what Holly was like before she started dating Mark. I mean, remember the whole green hair phase?

And you’d have to have lived under a rock not to have seen Wondercat’s recycling campaign at D’Agostino. There are circulars for it everywhere.

J

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To: Holly Caputo

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: What is up with this?

Why did you let Mark drive?

J

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To: Jane Harris

Fr: Holly Caputo

Re: What is up with this?

Hello? You were there. How was I supposed to stop him?

Holly

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To: Holly Caputo

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: What is up with this?

Yeah, but he sucks at it. I mean, really, really sucks at it.

J

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To: Jane Harris

Fr: Holly Caputo

Re: What is up with this?

Hello. It’s Italy. Everyone sucks at driving. He blends.

Besides, I had to let him drive, after that whole thing with Cal rearranging all the suitcases.

Holly

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To: Holly Caputo

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: What is up with this?

Yeah. What was UP with that, anyway? Why is Cal so… bossy?

J

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To: Jane Harris

Fr: Holly Caputo

Re: What is up with this?

Mark says it’s because Cal has an enormous you know what.

Holly

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To: Holly Caputo

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: What is up with this?

Head?

J

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To: Jane Harris

Fr: Holly Caputo

Re: What is up with this?

No, you idiot. You KNOW what I mean.

Holly

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To: Holly Caputo

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: What is up with this?

Wait. WHAT??? SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!

J

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To: Jane Harris

Fr: Holly Caputo

Re: What is up with this?

Mark swears it’s true. He says Cal has always been supremely self-confident because of the enormity of his you know what. Well, at least up until that model broke his heart and all.

Holly

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To: Holly Caputo

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: What is up with this?

You are making that up. About his you know what, I mean.

J

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To: Jane Harris

Fr: Holly Caputo

Re: What is up with this?

Um. Have YOU seen him sit with his legs crossed?

Holly

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To: Holly Caputo

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: What is up with this?

That doesn’t mean—Oh, my God, you ARE serious.

J

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To: Jane Harris

Fr: Holly Caputo

Re: What is up with this?

Apparently, despite his ex-wife’s desertion on what was to be their first wedding anniversary, he has every reason in the world to feel quite pleased with himself.

Does THAT make you think a little more fondly of him?

Holly

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To: Holly Caputo

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: What is up with this?

NO!!! Size doesn’t matter, and you know it.

Well, not that much.

She really left him on their first anniversary?

J

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To: Jane Harris

Fr: Holly Caputo

Re: What is up with this?

He came home from work, preparing to change clothes and take her out for an evening of celebration, and found a note. She’d had movers in while he was at the office. They took everything. Except the cat.

Holly

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To: Holly Caputo

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: What is up with this?

They had a CAT????

J

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To: Jane Harris

Fr: Holly Caputo

Re: What is up with this?

It was her cat. She left it with Cal because her new boyfriend was allergic. Cal took care of it for almost a year, hoping Valerie would change her mind and come back. But she didn’t. So Cal got himself assigned to Iraq.

Holly

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To: Holly Caputo

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: What is up with this?

What happened to the CAT?????

J

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To: Jane Harris

Fr: Holly Caputo

Re: What is up with this?

Oh. The cat died right before he decided to leave. Of cancer. Mark says he isn’t sure which left Cal more brokenhearted—his wife leaving him, or the cat dying.

Holly

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To: Holly Caputo

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: What is up with this?

You are such a liar. You made that whole thing up about the cat dying. What really happened to it?

J

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To: Jane Harris

Fr: Holly Caputo

Re: What is up with this?

He gave it to Tim Grabowski in IT.

Still. The cat COULD be dead now, for all I know. Poor, poor Cal.

Holly

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To: Holly Caputo

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: What is up with this?

You are so pathetic.

And I wouldn’t feel too sorry for Cal Langdon if I were you. He’s doing just fine for himself.

Promise you won’t let Mark drive through the mountains. He will plunge us to our deaths.

J

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To: Jane Harris

Fr: Holly Caputo

Re: What is up with this?

Um. Yeah. Maybe I’ll drive after lunch. Or we can get Cal “Large Appendage” Langdon to do it.

Holly

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To: Holly Caputo

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: What is up with this?

SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You trust him to drive????

J

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To: Jane Harris

Fr: Holly Caputo

Re: What is up with this?

Yes, of course! Unlike some people, he’s actually used to driving in a foreign country.

What is your problem with him, anyway? He was perfectly nice during dinner last night, didn’t you think? And he’s been nothing but charming all morning. So what gives?

Holly

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To: Holly Caputo

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: What is up with this?

Nothing. Stop e-ing me, they totally know we’re talking about them.

Thank God they don’t know WHAT we’re talking about, though.

Ew.

J

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To: Mark Levine

Fr: Ruth Levine

Re: Hello!

Is that any way to speak to your mother, I would like to know? I KNOW you think you’re in love with Holly.

And I will admit she is a very nice girl.

But I don’t think she’s the RIGHT girl for you, Mark. You two come from two different worlds. Don’t get me wrong, I completely appreciate the Italian heritage. They brought so many important things to the world, such as pasta and that nice Mario Batali from the Food Channel.

But what kind of future do you and Holly have together? What religion would you raise your children? Are you going to have a Christmas tree? You know the Di Marcos down the street have an entire holy manger scene in their front yard every year, made from cut-out pieces of plywood. Is that what you want, Mark? The baby Jesus in your front yard? Are you trying to kill me?

I’m just saying, I’m sure Susie Schramm has grown into a very interesting, vibrant girl. Why don’t you see her, just for lunch? What could one lunch hurt? You have a little lunch, catch up on old times… who knows where it could lead?

Call me, Markie. I’m worried about you. Really.

Mom

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To: Holly Caputo

Fr: Darrin Caputo

Re: Hello, it is your mother

I am using your brother’s email to write this to you. Your father says I should not, that you are an adult and I should let you lead your own life, like your brothers.

But all of your brothers found nice Italian girls—except for Frankie with that stripper. But even she is a good Christian, when she is not taking her clothes off for money.

Even Darrin, even HE found a nice Italian boy. Bobby came over for dinner last night and finished up ALL my chicken parmigiani. Such a good appetite.

I don’t understand why you cannot do the same as your brothers. What is so wrong with finding a nice Italian boy to settle down with? Even a Polish boy would be all right, if he were Catholic. Why do you have to be with this Mark? He is a very nice boy, but he is not Catholic. What does he know about anything?

I am asking you to think about what you are doing with your life. People are starting to think things about you and this Mark. I saw Jane Harris’s mother in the grocery store, and she was talking like you and Mark are getting married. If you are not careful, other people will begin to think the same, and eventually word will spread to Father Roberto, and then how will I be able to hold my head up at Mass on Sunday?

Think about your life, Holly. Do the right thing.

Mom

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To: Cal Langdon

Fr: Graziella Fratiani

Re: Yesterday

It was so lovely to be seeing you yesterday afternoon. You are a twenty-first-century man, not like these Italian boys I constantly meet. You know, still living with Mama, and expect all women to cook and clean for them. It’s nice to be with a man who washes his own socks.

Did I tell you, I’m between shows at the moment, so I can take a little time off from the gallery. Might I to be joining you at your little villa later in the week? I think I can—“rough it”? Let me know.

Grazi

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To: Jane Harris

Fr: Julio Chasez

Re: The Dude

Hey, Ms. Harris. I got your messages. Just wanted to let you know your cat is fine. Really.

And no, I haven’t had to use the oven mitts yet. And yeah, he ate all his salmon pate. And the Tender Vittles. And the Science Diet. And the Fancy Feast. And the Sheba. And he tried to gnaw through a box of Girl Scout cookies you left on the counter, but I took it away before he could.

Also, he chewed a hole through your sofa. But I guess you knew that. And he took a pretty big chunk out of my thumb when I caught him eating a tube of your toothpaste and tried to take it away. But the doctor says I’ll be fine. I guess cats have cleaner spit than humans or dogs or something.

Hope you’re having a nice trip.

Julio

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To: Julio Chasez

Fr: Jane Harris

Re: The Dude

Oh, my God, I’m so sorry about your thumb! PLEASE save your doctor’s bills so I can reimburse you when I get back!

You are the BEST!!! I cannot thank you enough for taking such good care of him!

Yes, I know about the sofa. It’s okay, really.

THANK YOU!!!! I’ll see you in a week!

Love,

Jane