Испалец в колесе (сборник на русском и английском)

Last Will and Testicle

«I, Barrold Reginald Bunker-Harquart

being of sound mind you, limp and bodie,

do on this day the 18 of Septemper 1924th,

leave all my belodgings estate and brown

suits to my nice neice Elsie. The above

afformentioned hereafter to be kept in a

large box untit she is 21 of age, then to be

released amongst a birthdave party given

in her honour. She will then be wheeled

gladly into the Great Hall or kitchen,

and all my wordly good heaped upon her

in abundance. Thus accordianto my will

will this be carried out as I lie in the

ground getting eaten.»

This then was the last will and testicle of I Barrold Reginald Bunker-Harquart, which was to change the lives of so many peoble — speciality little Elsie whom was only thirteens.

«Are you sure I have to stay in the box?» asked Elsie childishly.

«Yer not deaf are yer?» yelled Freud Q.C. what was helping. «Yer 'eard the familias solister as good as we didn't yer?»

«I was only makeing conversation» replied Elisie who was only thirteen.

Just then Elisies dear Old Nanny Harriette broke down in tears and everybody walked quietly out of the room leaving her to her grease, except Dr (not the) Barnado.

«There there Harriette, that won't bring the Mastered back» he said knowingly.

«I know I know» she bluttered «its not that, its where are we going to find a box to fit her foot? tell me that, where are we going to find a box to fit her foot?» Luckily the Dr knew a carpentor in the village who was A WONDER WITH WOOD. «I'm wonder with wood.» he used to say, as he sored his way through life — with a naiI in one hand and polio in the other (his light hand being stronger than his lest). «Children should be seized and not hard» was something Uncle Barrold had always said and even Old Nanny had always replied «Overy clown has a silver lifeboat» which always dried him ap.

Anywait, Elisie was soon entombed in her made to marion box, and people from miles adavies would come and visit HER, but only when it was sunny — for she was kept rightly in the garden. «At least she'll get some fresh air.» argued Old Nanny — and she was right.

Three years parst and a great change had come over Elsie. Her once lovely skin was now roof and ready, some say it was that last bitter winter, others say it wasn't. Her warm smile which made one forget her hairlip was now a sickly grin, but enough of that.

Less and lessless people came to visit Elsie especially since Old Nanny had put the price up. The Dr had kindly devised a scheme whereby Elsie could call for anything she wanted. It was a primitive affair, but effective — just a simple microphone tied into Elsie's mouth. This was attached to a louder speaker in the kitchen. Of course when Old Nanny was away on holiday, she would turn the speaker off. «No point in her shouting if I'm away» she would explain.

The years flew by for Elsie in her own box, sooner no than it was coming round to her twenty-first burly. «I hope I get the key of the door» she thought, forgetting for a momemt she was getting the whole house. The place was was certainly in a state of anticipatient on the ear of Elsie's birthdaft, and Old Nanny celebrated by bringing her into the house for «a warm by the fire» as she put it. Unfortunately Old Nanny seemed to place birthday Elsie too near the big old fireplace and her box caught alight with Elsie still wrapped firmly inside like her Uncle asked.

«She didn't even eat her cake,» said Old Nanny tearfulham to Dr (not the) Bernardo the next morning.

«Never mind» he wryled. «we'll give it io the dog, he'll eat anything.»

With that the Dr leaped over and gave Old Nanny a thorough examination on her brand new carpet.

«You can't have your cake and eat it» said a cheerful paying guessed adding, «Statistics state that 90 % of more accidents are caused by burning children in the house.»