Still Human

Chapter Ten Danny I’ve never needed you more.

She still loves me…

Ever since yesterday when I asked her the question, her burning gaze and affirming nod have played over and over again in my head. All through the evening at work, if my brain diverted for a second away from the constant stream of Saturday night customers, I would see those eyes, that nod.

She still loves me….

Max has stepped back now, leaving us to figure it out for ourselves. But I know I have a lot to thank him for. Although he isn’t saying, I know he and Charlie gave Liv a stern talking to yesterday. Why else would she suddenly visit me and even watch me sleep, then ask to meet me in the bar? I’m certain he knows about our conversation yesterday afternoon and even if he didn’t the look on my face must have given me away. But he isn’t making anything of it so that Liv and I can quietly start repairing things.

She still loves me…so my new life starts here.

I survey the cars on the forecourt of the Land Rover dealership. I had it all planned out. As soon as I realised I would be moving here, I knew which car I would buy.

In LA, everything is big. I mean, lots of folks have succumbed to the lure of the hybrids and many celebrities are throwing their weight around about the whole issue. If they stopped to find out the facts about the massive environmental impact of actually producing these ‘green cars’ they might hush. Anyway…I’ve looked at Range Rovers before, but I had an adequate truck and I had my baby, so I couldn’t really justify it. But I knew that when I came to buy my next car, this is where I would end up. Now that I’m standing here, however, in the UK, these cars seem so…big. Too big really. But I like them.

A couple of hours later I emerge with handful of paperwork. They had one in a dealership in the north somewhere, with all the specs I wanted. So I took the plunge, ordered it and it will be delivered in a few days. It feels indulgent, but I can’t settle here yet, not like I want to, not without Liv, so I’ve indulged. So what? I know I will feel more rooted if I’ve something physical here and I can’t wait. I walk back through town and head to the cell phone store.

She still loves me…

When I get back to the bar, I go looking for Max. I know he will love the car brochure I’ve brought back with me and I want to show Liv too. She’ll be surprised I’m sure. She hasn’t asked me what my long-term plans are yet, but buying a car here should show beyond doubt that I’m intent on sticking around. I’d buy a house too, but I couldn’t do it without her, I wouldn’t want to.

She still loves me…it will happen, in time.

Max isn’t behind the bar, or in the kitchen. Liv isn’t in the diner. I shrug and go back to the bar. I hear Max’s voice coming from the store room.

“Of course, it’s going to take time to get back to where you were. You just have to take things slowly, you’ll get there.

It’s what you want deep down and you know it.” I freeze beside the slightly open door, then I hear Liv’s voice.

She sighs. “I just don’t see how I can get past it. How can I trust him after all this?”

“It won’t happen all at once, you’ll take it slow.”

Then I can’t quite hear what is being said, I hear the word ‘trust’ again, then it sounds very much like she says, “What if it’s not what I want anymore?” Then more mumbling, followed by what I’m certain is this… “The thought of him touching me again…” and her tone resembles disgust. My heart feels liked it’s being crushed.

More mumbling, followed by, “But you love each other” from Max. This I hear clearly, he sounds incredulous.

“It’s not enough.” She snaps. She may have said ‘what if’ at the beginning of that sentence, but I’m not sure about anything anymore. I’m just in shock at what I’m hearing.

“You’re being ridiculous and stubborn.” He snaps back. Then says something else I can’t pick up.

“How am I being ridiculous?” Her voice is raised now.

Max says something in response and he is quite firm, but I can’t tell what it is. Liv doesn’t like it though.

“Don’t you dare!” she says. “You have no idea how I’m feeling.” The door flies open, fortunately concealing me in its wake. She storms away through the bar, as fast as she can on her crutches.

I stand frozen to the spot, destroyed by her words. Tears sting my eyes.

The door begins to swing closed again. Max is standing there with his hands on his hips staring after Liv. He shakes his head and turns around. His face when he sees me standing behind him adds to my desperation. Clearly I didn’t get the wrong impression from what I overheard, his look is one of pity.

“Mate…” he says with a sympathetic tone.

I shake my head. I can’t take whatever he has to say. I push past him, straight through the bar and out onto the street. I keep walking. Tears really threaten now. I can’t let myself go. Not out in the open, I’ve some dignity. I’ve held it together this long and there have been many times when I felt like I couldn’t take any more. I just keep walking.

She still loves me…but it isn’t enough.

My cell rings. I ignore it. Then I pull it out of my pocket, I need to talk to Jen. A message from Max appears on my screen.

‘Where are you going?’

I know I owe him more than a disappearing act, but I don’t know what to say.

Its been like a pressure cooker since I arrived and the emotional ups and downs are exhausting. For the first time, I briefly consider a trip home. I know there is no going back, I have no home there. But maybe a few days with Jen would help me. I don’t want anyone, least of all Liv to think I’m giving up though. That’s not what it’s about. I just feel like there is nowhere to hide here and I’ve never been so alone.

I don’t do the math until the phone is ringing, but I figure it’s past 8am in LA, so I may get away with it. Scott won’t like it if I mess with his lazy Sunday morning, but hey. I breathe deeply, trying not to let the emotion get the better of me. Liv is entitled to her opinion, it’s just crushing, that’s all.

“Hello?” Jen answers, sleepily.

“Oh thank God. I’ve never needed you more.” I say.

“Oh no, what’s happened? I thought it was going well.” She jumps into her role straight away.

“So did I, I thought she still loved me.” I choke back tears as I cross the main road towards the park.

“Jesus Danny, what’s going on, are you okay?”

“No, I’m not. I don’t know what to do.”

“Okay, you’re scaring me. What happened, I can’t help you if you’re being cryptic.”

This snaps me out of it, I realise I wasn’t being clear and I would be so worried about her if the tables were turned. “Sorry. I’m okay, I just need to talk. I didn’t mean to worry you.” I make my way across the park and turn down the familiar path. As the tree comes into view I’m momentarily distracted by Toby from the bar walking past me to work. He smiles but quickly realises I’m deep in conversation, we pass with a nod.

“Danny, tell me what’s going on,” Jen insists.

I sigh. “I just overheard Liv tell Max that she doesn’t want to be with me, I just needed to hear your voice.”

“She said that?”

“Well, in a word.”

“Exactly what did she say?”

“Just that the thought of me touching her ever again makes her skin crawl and she can’t get past it or something.”

“She actually said those words?”

“Oh I don’t know, but that was the meaning. Max got mad at her and she stormed off. She doesn’t know I heard. But Max saw me. I just walked out and before I knew it I was talking to you. I’m supposed to be working tonight, it’s such a mess!” I drop myself down onto the trunk of the tree, trying not to think too much about the last time I was here.

“Okay, listen, Are you okay? Do I need to worry about what you are going to do next?”

“No, I’ll be fine.” I sigh. I guess I would feel the same, so far away. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“So what are you going to do now?”

“Talk to you until you're sick of me, then probably get drunk.”

“Does Max know where you are?”

“No.”

“Do you know where you are?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m at the park. Don’t worry about my safety, just tell me what I should do. What am I even doing here, Jen? She was never going to forgive me was she?”

“Come on Danny, you know that’s not true.”

“But she can’t stand the idea of me touching her ever again, what does that tell you?”

“She said it makes her skin crawl, really?”

“Yeah…I don’t know…I guess…I got out of there as fast as I could.”

“DANNY! Are you sure you heard it right?”

“I know what she meant from her tone and the way Max got mad. It’s okay, Jen, I know I’m just going to have to get over it.”

“You need to talk to her, or Max at least, and find out what was said. It could be a huge misunderstanding.”

“No, there is nothing else she could have meant.” I sigh. “Maybe I should just come home.”

“No way. You haven’t given it enough time.”

“But when am I going to get the hint, that this wasn’t meant to be? I’ve tried so hard, I’m giving her so much space. I don’t know how much more I can take. I just wish I was there.”

“There is nothing here to make you happy, your home is there now. You just have to keep trying.”

I laugh a little to myself. This is ridiculous. I have nowhere to go. “I bought a car today, just trying to settle in a little. Ironic huh?”

“Come on now, don’t be defeated so easily. You’ve held onto this for half your life. You’re not giving up on it now.”

I sit staring out across the view down the hill and sigh heavily. It all seems so hopeless. I don’t know why I came to this spot exactly, nothing good ever happens to me here. It just has this kind of gravitational pull. My roots really are here.

“You still there?” she asks.

“Yeah,” I reply.

“Go and talk to Max. Find out what she said for sure and if you still feel like this, call me back.”

“Okay…thanks Jen.”

“It’s what I’m here for,” she says and I try to imagine her comforting smile.

When I slide my cell back into my pocket and glance back down the path, Max is there. He’s just standing waiting, with both hands shoved in his pockets, waiting for me to finish talking to Jen. My shoulders slump in response to his sympathetic gaze as he comes over.

“You had me worried for a minute. I didn’t know where you’d go,” he says.

“What gave me away?”

“Toby said he saw you. He said you looked angry.”

A small laugh almost erupts at the thought of me ‘looking angry’. “I’m ok.”

Max shuffles his feet around in the dusty earth beneath the trunk. “Look, I’m really sorry you had to hear all of that, she can be so stubborn sometimes, she’s her own worst enemy, but she is coming around.”

“It didn’t sound that way to me.” I scoff. “She can’t trust me…she doesn’t know if it’s enough…or even what she wants anymore, and the thought of me touching her again…” I trail off, not capable of finishing that sentence without crumbling.

“I think you got that a bit twisted.” He laughs.

“It’s okay. I know I’m wasting my time, she’s never going to forgive me.”

Max frowns. “Mate, she already has. Wasn’t that clear?”

“Um, no, not exactly.” I murmur, it’s not exactly clear now either. “If she can’t stand the thought of me ever touching her again, how can we be together?”

“Who said she couldn’t stand it?” He looks bemused, but not as bemused as me. “She wants it…err, no, that sounded wrong! She wasn’t saying she couldn’t stand the thought, she was saying it was a lovely thought.”

Okay, I’m so confused.

Max continues. “She doesn’t know how to turn it around and say she can trust you and that she forgives you, but she does. I was telling her that I think she’s being unfair keeping you at arm’s length, she didn’t like it that’s all.”

I rub my face, unsure how to deal with this about-turn. Did I really hear it so wrong? “But it sounded like she was writing me off.”

He sighs. “She’s trying to play it like she’ll never be able to trust you again, but I can tell it’s just an act. She wants to get back to how things were between you, she’s tempted, but she needs a push to drop all the nonsense.”

“This is your opinion.” I point out. “Not fact.”

“Oh it’s fact,” he says. “I know it, she knows it and if it wasn’t concerning you, you’d know it too. Trust me.”

“This is a real headfuck.” I moan. “What do I do?”

Max laughs a little ruefully. Then pauses, trying to be diplomatic I think. “I should say you’re on your own…that I can’t get involved,” he says. “But she holds all the cards and she isn’t playing fair. So here’s the thing…” He turns to face me. “You have to just make it happen.”

I stare blankly at him, waiting for more than that vague directive. But he seems to have finished.

“How?” I ask, redundantly.

“Just don’t take no for an answer. Push your way back in. But, at the same time, give her nothing. Make her want you, but make her wonder what you want. Show her how much you care, but with no affection.” He grins. “It won’t be pretty, but it’s what she needs. It will take some time and it might feel like it’s getting you nowhere, but in the end, she’ll be putty in your hands, I promise.”

“That sounds like something that would piss her off.” I point out, but even as I’m saying it, I know he’s right…and it amuses me too. I mean, I told her it would all be okay. That nothing mattered as long as she still loved me and believed what I told her about Brooke. I told her confidently that I would show her…and I meant something along these lines I guess. I meant that I would simply find a way of showing her that we had to be together. What I’d envisaged was slightly less devious. But I’m starting to think that being a bit more forceful might be the only way in.

She still loves me, I remind myself…and I’m going to get her back.

Max laughs with a mischievous look in his eyes. “And I know just where to start,” he says.