Still Human

Chapter Two Liv You’re the clumsy one.

I’ve survived the Connie onslaught. She was easier to deal with than I expected mainly due to the fact that she feels responsible. She revealed to me that she contacted Danny in the first place. I was furious. For a few days, I was so angry I could hardly talk to her, but then I realised that I was just disappointed. It was just more proof that Danny didn’t really love me, he didn’t contact me without a push. Connie and I are okay now, I can’t stay angry with her.

I’ve spoken to Mum and persuaded her to stay in LA because Grace needs her far more than I do. She’s promised me that she won’t get involved and go and see Danny. I’ve even left the phone plugged in upstairs so that she can call me, she was pretty pissed off that I cut myself off completely. The problem is, I dread going back up there now. I’ve no idea if, when, or how many times Danny has called me since I left, but now he could leave a message if he wanted to. He hasn't reached me on my mobile because I threw it away, it’s full of messages and photos I can’t face. Who needs a mobile anyway?

But still, it has been eerily quiet since I got back. I was expecting more of a fight, he didn't know I saw them together, so he can't have known why I left so suddenly. He must have been worried, frantic even. The fact that he didn’t follow me is both a relief and a crushing disappointment. I don’t want to see him or listen to anything he has to say, but he hasn’t even tried to fight for us…again. This just proves it was all me again, like it was before.

Work has been thankfully busy and the new furniture for the garden arrives tomorrow, so I’m getting everything ready. I decided to close the outside area this week and we have cleared all the furniture out. I’m spending the day jet washing, which is very therapeutic and everyone is leaving me alone to get on with it. It’s just what I need. But there is so much to do and now there is one less pair of hands to help me do it. He was going to put up the canopy of fairy lights for me. But it looks like Max and I will be up the ladders.

Soaking wet from jet washing, I pop upstairs to change. The light on my phone is blinking. I bloody knew it, I should have left it unplugged. It could be Mum and if it is and I don’t reply, I’ll get another bollocking. Shaking my head, I go and turn the shower on. I need to get out of these wet clothes. But I can’t leave it and I have to go and listen to the message. I can’t help myself, this is why I left it unplugged, what if I’d been here, answered it and it was him? I can’t trust myself to be strong, but I press the button anyway.

Time stands still as I wait for the beep, then I hear Mum’s chirpy voice. Relief and devastation briefly do battle for control over me. I can’t handle the emotional ups and downs at the moment. Mum is bleating on in the background, hoping I’m eating and looking after myself, but I barely hear her. All I can think is, why hasn’t he called? But if he did, I’d be angry. It's impossible. Mum finishes waffling and I switch off the machine. I don't have a choice about having the phone on, but if I heard his voice it would kill me, I can't take the risk. Reluctantly, I trudge to the shower.

Max has a coffee waiting for me when I get downstairs. He’s sitting in the booth at the back sipping his and I slide in opposite him. We haven't really done this since I got back. I suppose I’ve been swerving any probing discussions. I take charge of the conversation straight away to stop him from talking about...him.

"So, shall we start the lights before it gets dark?" I suggest. "I'd like to get at least half of it done tonight."

"Only if you sit with me first," he says seriously.

Here we go... "Max, I really don't want to..."

"Liv, stop." He interrupts. "I’ve given you some space and I haven't pushed you, but this is getting ridiculous, it's been a week." He looks at me with concern in his eyes. "I thought one of you would have made the first move by now."

A wave of nausea washes over me. Why hasn't he tried to call? I swallow hard. It’s not as if I want to talk to him anyway, I remind myself. "There’s no first move. It's over." I tell him firmly.

"Liv, what you have with Danny can't be over without a discussion, or a huge fight, or something. It's not something that you would both just let go of like that."

"Max, he cheated. I've let go, that's it."

"Okay, that's why you let go, what about him?"

I stare at him. This is the question I’ve been trying not to ask myself all week. Tears sting my eyes and I want to run away. Max stares me out, he isn't going to give in. "I don't know." I sniff.

“What exactly did you see?" he finally asks.

I sigh. "I told you what happened; I really don't want to talk about this again, Max."

"You told me he cheated with that girl, but what exactly did you see?"

"I saw her taking her clothes off in his bedroom."

"Where were you?"

"I was outside. I saw her through the window before I got to the door, I saw her and I left." I play down the drama of my departure.

"And where was Danny?"

I sigh, why is he making me go over this? "I don't know...there somewhere, obviously."

"But you didn't see him?"

"No, there was only a small gap in the curtains and I didn't hang around."

"So you don't know if he actually touched her?"

Where is he going with this?

"Oh of course he touched her, he's a man!" I immediately regret my outburst, as I once again count Max out of his gender group, not because of his sexuality, but because he would never, ever hurt me. The rest, however, are bastards. Danny included.

"But..."

"What?"

"I don't know. I was just thinking, if you didn't see him, how do you know he did what you think he did?"

"Well she was taking her clothes off in his house, which I very much doubt she was doing without his permission." God, this is exhausting. "Now I really just want to forget about this whole thing, so can we please go and do some way-out-of-our-league DIY?"

"Sure." He smiles.

It’s big job, but I haven’t budgeted to get someone else to do it. The outdoor lights, plus having the outdoor sockets installed, cost more than I wanted to spend. The electrician that did the sockets has also suspended two beautiful, budget-busting outdoor chandeliers, so we have no choice, DIY it is. In truth, the budget was long since blown on the retractable guttered rain shelters that have been installed above the lighting, making it an all-weather outdoor paradise.

We have marked out the line of bricks on both sides of the alley, so that the light canopy hovers just above the huge chandeliers. Now we just have to staple the lights to the bricks either side all the way down until we have the desired look. We have everything we need including a brilliant power stapler Max hired for the job.

Max starts up on his ladder, pinning the string to the wall at the first bulb. Then as he descends, he tacks the spare wire down the wall until he reaches the socket. Then it’s my turn. Max passes me the lights then the stapler and I head to the top of the ladder. It’s not so difficult although it’s over 10ft up and the stapler has a slight recoil. But we can do it.

A few feet down the alley, we reach the end of the string of lights and Max hands me the next set. We are in the swing of it now. I love jobs like this, very satisfying and a bit exciting using big tools. I pop the stapler into the wall and my ladder wobbles. “Whoa!” I exclaim and laugh as I climb down to shuffle along to the next point.

“Jesus Liv, be careful!” says Max as he takes the stapler from me and climbs up the other ladder.

“I’m fine,” I say. “You’re the clumsy one.” He gives me a withering look.

As he comes down from his turn, his phone rings and he moves down to the end of the garden to take it. I carry on with the next fixing on my side then, seeing that he is deeply engrossed in conversation, I do his next one as well. As I take the first step down the ladder, the hem of my jeans catches on the top step and I fall, seemingly in slow motion.

I land right foot first and as my leg buckles beneath me I come down with a bang on my side. The industrial stapler, still in my hand, slams to the ground on top of my fingers and, with the momentum of the fall, I’m unable to stop the side of my head from hitting the ground with a thud. I hear Max yelling my name, as he comes running.

“Fuck, Liv!” he shouts, then as he lands on his knees beside me he asks, “Are you okay?”

I think about this for a second, my ankle really hurts, but more in that way that your elbow hurts when you hit your funny bone. My head hurts, but not badly. My fingers hurt but I can flex them so they’re okay. All in all, I’d say I’m okay.

Josh comes out to see what’s going on and he recoils when he sees me lying on the ground.

“Call an ambulance,” Max barks at him, as he sits behind me and strokes the hair off my face.

“No, no,” I say as I try to sit up. “That’s a bit dramatic...” I wince as the pain shoots through my ankle. I immediately stop trying to move.

“Liv, just lay still and do as you’re told for once in your life.” Max turns back to Josh. “Call them.”

“Where does it hurt?” he asks in a panicked voice.

“Here.” I point towards my foot.

“Okay, just lie still. It’ll be okay.” Somewhere his phone is ringing but he ignores it.

When Josh returns, he has the first aid kit. He quickly opens it and hands a packet to Max. I watch with interest as Max unwraps the large pad, which he then places on the side of my head. I hadn’t realised I was bleeding.

“Gloves?” Josh offers Max.

Max looks at him with a ‘what do you think?’ glare. Josh gets the point and puts them away. I watch all of this distantly while I focus on the hurting bits of me, none of which are my head, so I don’t know why they are fussing.

It feels like an eternity until the ambulance arrives, but the paramedics are so lovely. They give me gas and air to help with the worsening pain, while they ask me questions and give me other drugs. They are concerned about my ankle and put it in a splint, but I don’t see the point of the big fuss. I’ve got the giggles a bit and I think they’re making a mountain out of a molehill. It certainly didn’t seem worth cutting straight up the leg of my perfectly good jeans. Max explains what he saw and once they ascertain the height I’ve fallen from and the fact that I bumped my head, they start shining lights in my eyes and all sorts.

They put a neck brace on me as a precaution and I’m carefully rolled onto a back board. They put that orange box thing around my head. It seems all way over the top and it’s like an out of body experience. Max is holding my hand and looks really pale. Then, quickly, I’m put onto a rolling stretcher and into the ambulance. Max is allowed to come with me, as he doesn’t have his car at work to follow and we set off.

The pain is much more severe now that I’m lying flat on a hard surface and I start shaking from the shock. Max is sitting across from me strapped in and one of the paramedics is fiddling about, but I can’t see anyone because I have my head in a box. I feel so alone and for the first time in a week I really want Danny. I just wish he was with me. I wish he hadn’t wrecked everything and then he would be. I know Max will look after me, but without Danny I feel empty.

We arrive at the hospital in a few minutes and I’m whizzed straight through to a curtained-off area. Several people jump into action when I come to a stop and I quickly lose track of who is doing what. I’m asked a very similar set of questions to those the paramedics asked me. How did I land? Did I black out? Where is the pain?

I find this rhythm comforting as it takes me out of the anxiety I’m feeling. Max holds my hand, I’m so glad he’s with me. They tell me that I’m going to be sent for x-rays shortly and suggest that Max wait outside.

The doctor performs a thorough examination and is fairly happy that my spine is unaffected so he carefully removes the orange box and neck brace. Then he and two nurses roll me gently so that they can remove the back board. Despite the agony of rolling, it feels so much more comfortable to be lying on a cushioned surface and have the full use of my neck. They sit the bed up and at last I can see what is going on around me.

After several x-rays, I’m wheeled back to where I was and Max is allowed to join me again. He smiles a warm and comforting smile and sits beside me.

“That’s better,” he says. “I was freaking out when they put that collar on you!”

“It was just a precaution.” I reassure him.

He looks at me and winces. “I saw you fall. I shouldn’t have been on the fucking phone.”

“Oh stop it. It was an accident.” He nods and eyes me up and down.

“So what’s going on?” he asks.

“I don’t know. They’re looking at the x-rays I suppose.”

“How do you feel?”

“Like an idiot.” I laugh and fidget, sending a twinge of pain through my foot.

“Shit, what is it?” Max jumps to his feet.

“Laughing made my ankle hurt!” I whimper. Max gives me a stern look as if now is not the time to be laughing anyway, which only makes it worse. Maybe it's the drugs.

As I’m calming down, a doctor appears around the curtain and introduces himself as Dr. Andrews from orthopaedics or something.

“I understand you took a tumble.” He jokes, trying to put me at ease.

“It was a ten-foot ladder,” Max says, not rising to the humour. “She fell from the top.” Max is very dry and serious. This familiarity of my friend’s anxiety puts me at ease more than the corny line from the doctor could have ever hoped to.

“Well, then I’d say you have been very lucky.” He smiles. “You’ll probably be quite bruised tomorrow and we’ll have to stitch that cut on your head.” He pauses. “But I’m afraid you have a significant fracture to your ankle which will require surgery.”

I look at him while I take it in. "My ankle doesn't even feel that bad," I muse aloud.

"Well you have a trimalleolar fracture, which is complex. But we have it nicely immobilised and we are managing your pain, so you should have a comfortable night."

"You can't do it until tomorrow?" Max asks, incredulously. It’s about 6pm, what does he expect?

"That's correct," the doctor replies.

We discuss what I'll be having done tomorrow, which involves screws and possibly a plate, but won’t be decided until I'm in surgery. Then he briefs me on the recovery I'm facing. Six weeks in plaster and a possible second surgery. It sounds pretty rough, but he has advised me to take it one day at a time, rather than as a whole, scary picture. I get emotional when I realise that I’m going to be dependent on Max and I don’t have Danny for support. The doctor mistakes this for nerves about the operation and assures me that this is just another day at the office for him; he sees this type of injury all the time. Then he leaves us and we wait for a nurse to come and stitch my head.

Twelve stitches later, I’m moved to a ward. Max leaves to go and get me some things from home and I’m left alone with my thoughts. I’m trying not to panic about how out of action I’m going to be and how we will manage at work. I’m in quite a lot of pain and I just wish I had Danny here. God, this has really been the worst week of my life.

It suddenly occurs to me that someone might tell Danny! I must tell Max that I don’t want Danny to know this has happened. He might come rushing over and I’m not strong enough to push him away right now. Or worse, he won’t come and I can’t handle that kind of disappointment. Why did I get so caught up in all of his? It was never going to work out. I fight back tears, I can’t cry now, not here. I feel so sorry for myself. Being alone is not good for me. I’m thankful that Max has got me a card for the TV and phone and pulled it over next to my bed, I put some nonsense on and drift off to a medicated sleep.

Pain and whispering wake me sometime later and I open my eyes to find Connie and Max bickering at the end of my bed.

“What’s up?” I ask, sleepily, instinctively stretching as my body wakes up and then recoiling in pain as I’m reminded that today has not been the best of days.

“Liv, darling, what have you done to yourself?” Connie gushes as she hurries around to my side. She takes my hand and finds a small un-bandaged part of my forehead and strokes it. “Look at the state you’re in.”

“I’m okay, what’s with all the whispering?” I ask.

“Oh, nothing,” she says, innocently. “Max forgot to bring your dressing gown.” I don’t have the energy to probe any deeper.

“How are you doing?” Max asks, coming to the other side of me.

“Alright,” I say half-heartedly. “What did you bring me?”

“I got you some clothes, some magazines and your old iPod, because I’m guessing you still don’t want your phone.”

“No.” I sulk.

I realised Max fished my phone out of the bin after I chucked it away, because I went back to rescue it myself a little later and it was gone. I know it was rash throwing it in the bin, but I’m still not ready to look at it yet.

“Okay, well good job I found this for you then.” Max places the iPod and headphones on the bed next to me.

"Now, what time are they doing your surgery tomorrow?" Connie asks.

"Early, I think." I reply, a bit hazy from the drugs. "Nine-something."

"I'll need to let your mum know," she says.

"Shit, Mum...Don't tell her, she'll worry and leave Grace, this is their time." That would be all I need right now, Mum staying with me while I'm housebound.

"She already knows," says Max guiltily. "I rang her...but it's okay. We convinced her to stay put for now."

I give him a look. "For now?" That's not reassuring. "I'll talk to her in the morning, tell her you made the whole thing up." I giggle. Then my smile fades, "Oh and Max. I know none of you would talk to him, but under no circumstances is Danny to know about this."

As I finish the sentence, I catch a look flit between them. What does that mean? They wouldn’t…I dismiss the thought, they just wouldn’t.

"Everything is fine at work by the way." Max jumps in, changing the subject. "Josh called everyone to tell them what happened and, between them, they’ve rearranged everything so that you and I are not needed at all. They all send their love.” He squeezes my hand.

"Well you tell them I love them too." I say, feeling overwhelmed.

"Oh and they've finished the lights."

"Finished them?"

"Yep." Max nods, amused. "The day shift stayed behind for an hour and did it between them. There was plenty of ladder-holding!" He laughs, then his smile vanishes. "I'm so sorry I was on the phone." He whispers, glancing again at Connie. What is going on between these two?

I'm just about to ask, when the nurse comes round with my medication. Seizing their moment to escape, Max and Connie arrange that Max will come back in the morning and wait while I’m in surgery and Connie will get everything ready for me at home...Then they are gone. Once again I’m alone and feeling sorry for myself. Fucking Danny, selfish bastard. I hate the silence, I’m in a two-bed room, but the other bed is empty. I unravel the headphones and put on some music, then I close my eyes and drift into a restless, painful sleep.