Still Human

Chapter Six Liv Let’s get a few things straight shall we?

Mum came home from LA on Sunday night and after spending Monday at home doing her washing, she came to see me on Tuesday. After sitting with her and Connie for a morning, I felt so claustrophobic. Not because I don’t love them both, I really do, but I had severe cabin fever. So when Mum suggested that I come back to Brighton with her for a few days, I jumped at the chance. I switched off my answer machine and left my laptop behind. I did take my phone at Max’s insistence, but kept it on silent. I guess Max must have told Danny I went away, because he didn’t bother me. There were no emails and only two missed calls.

I went through it all again with Mum. She confessed that she went round to see Danny to have it out with him, but he wasn’t home. She tried a couple of times but had no luck. She was sympathetic to my point of view, but I could just tell that she thought exactly the same as Max and Connie. In the end, I refused to talk about it anymore. I had a quiet, relaxing couple of days, sat in Mum’s garden mostly. She pushed me along the seafront and we drank coffee and window shopped. If I wasn’t a desperately sad singleton, recovering from the loss of the love of my life and my independence, I would have thoroughly enjoyed myself.

Mum dropped me home this morning and, as if he were telepathic, Danny emailed me first thing. I ignored it for as long as I could. I had coffee with Connie, brunch with Max and then I sat downstairs for as long as possible, but the Friday lunch rush was a bit busier than normal and I had to vacate my booth. Max stowed me upstairs again in my prison, but then he had to go as they needed him downstairs. I put on a film to distract me, I tapped and I pondered, but in the end I had to read the email. He is getting under my skin and it’s infuriating.

8th June

Dear Liv,

I forced myself not to email you for a couple of days. I felt like you needed a break, but it was hard. I miss you.

Life isn’t the same without you. I miss your smile, your voice, your beautiful face, your touch, the fun we have, the way you make me feel. I miss everything about you.

I have so many plans for the future and they all involve us being together. I was packed and ready to be with you, do you really think I would risk all that for some final fling? Never. As long as I live I will never want anyone else. It has always been that way. Why do you think I’ve never settled down?

Losing you before was the worst experience of my life and now I'm living it all over again. Except this time I'm not quitting. I love you too much.

I don’t expect you to reply, but when you are ready I will be here.

I love you xxx

Okay, there is nothing new there, but each time he finds a new and believable way to say it. He hasn't over explained it either, he told me what happened once and hasn’t kept going over it. Every other email is just about his feelings. You might say that if he was guilty, he would keep explaining himself. I can't deny that I’m starting to think that there is more to this than I wanted to believe.

Max still hasn’t told me what was said, or who instigated their contact. But it’s clear that he’s willing to give Danny the benefit of the doubt and, despite my determination, I can see why. Max has made some compelling points in Danny’s favour and I would have to agree with each of them. However, I refuse to overlook some of my own points and this maintains my state of anger and devastation. First and foremost, Danny bought that bitch jewellery, so no matter what he says about the events of that night, something was still going on between them. When I mentioned this to Max, he seemed to want to argue, but didn’t have anything. How can you argue with the facts? He quickly stopped trying. Then, the fact that Connie asked him to look me up in the first place is a huge issue, because it means that he never would have done so of his own accord.

Those things plus the image of her undressing for him will never go from my head, so I don’t see how, or indeed why, I should get past it. His explanations don’t make any difference to whether I trust him or not. I check my watch. 15:45, it should be quieter now, I text Max, hoping he can break this perpetual thought cycle.

‘Save me from myself! X

I drum my fingers waiting for a response, but strangely I hear nothing. Since I fell, he has been hiding in the shadows the whole time, so it’s strange that he is unavailable. I suppose as it’s Friday afternoon, one of the first really nice ones, he’s busy downstairs. I should be down there too, maybe I could get myself down the stairs and find out how things are. My phone lights up beside me, at last! I look at the screen, but it’s not Max, it’s Danny.

1 Facebook Notification From Danny Morgan.

Hi,

How are you? I’m trying Facebook, in the hope that you might be online too. It might be easier to talk, if we don’t actually talk, what do you think? I know this is really hard and I wish I was with you.

Since I figured out why you left I’ve had to fight myself at every turn, my gut instinct was to come straight to you. But I was persuaded to make contact first. I know that having me around isn't currently what you want, but you know it's what I want and I feel so helpless away from you. It's hard to make you see that I’m telling the truth, when we're not face to face.

I wish you would give me a chance. There is so much to discuss.

We should be together, we should have always been together. I never should have left you twelve years ago.

I wanted to stay with you, but you pushed me to go. You said it was best for both of us, but I didn't think it was best for me. The day you told me I should go, I was going to ask you if we could find a way that I could stay. I thought we could get a flat or something. I was going to tell my parents I wasn't leaving you and that they would just need to accept it. But you wouldn't let me speak, you had all these reasons why me leaving was going to do us good in the end. I thought you wanted a fresh start and that it meant that you didn't love me as much as I loved you. I hurt so badly after that, that I just went quietly.

Maybe you thought it was what I wanted, because I said nothing to make you think otherwise. In the end, I didn’t have the confidence to fight for what I wanted and neither did you. But now that I’ve had you in my life again, I will never stop fighting. We are meant to be together and I know this is hurting you, but it's just a glitch.

I know you trust me, you think you don't, but that's just a reaction. You know it too, it's not me you don't trust, it's yourself. Please let me back in. We have wasted too much of our lives apart.

I love you.

Talk to you soon x

This message leaves me with a flood of emotions, but I quickly push most of them down and settle on boiling mad. How dare he? Who does he think he is? Telling me I trust him, but not myself. Quite the opposite. I will never trust him again, or possibly anyone else. Oh and this is just a glitch is it? I would hate to think what would have to happen for him to think things had really gone wrong. Deep down, I know I’m only focusing on the easy-to-target bits of his argument, but it’s better this way. I can’t over analyse the fact that he’s directly addressed all of my insecurities about why he didn’t try harder to be with me before.

Fucking Max! Obviously he’s been running his mouth off and now Danny is playing on all my weaknesses. Well I may be vulnerable at the moment, but only emotionally as far as he knows. He doesn’t know that I’m incapacitated, Max has promised me faithfully he won’t tell him. If he did, I wouldn’t stand a chance. But I’m not going to let him take advantage of me in any way. He has blown it and he can’t use insider knowledge to get round me, I’m not buying it. Holding onto my rage, I wait for the laptop to start and when it does, I launch straight in to my rant.

‘Let’s get a few things straight shall we?

Firstly, it’s all very well telling me what you think I want to hear about the past, but it’s just that, the past. In my opinion, you did give up too easily. I looked into going to college in LA so that I could be with you, I would have followed you to the end of the earth, but when you put up no fight whatsoever, I knew that you didn’t want that and I let it go. You say that I pushed you away, but I was just supporting you in what you seemed to want to do. I was prepared to do something totally life changing for you, something real. So you can’t just paint a picture of how neither one of us was prepared to fight for what we wanted, I applied to UCLA Arts for fuck’s sake. Behind my parent’s back. I got an interview. What did you do? NOTHING!

Then you come waltzing back into my life, being all wonderful. But it wasn’t planned though was it? You wouldn’t have thought of it yourself, would you? No. Connie asked you to do it. Yeah, Danny, I know about that. I feel so fucking special now, let me tell you. The fact is, you never would have thought of me again if you hadn’t had the idea handed to you and I fell for it, hook, line and sinker. But I see through you now.

You claim that what we had meant too much to you to risk on a final fling. Well that’s bollocks. Whatever you say happened that night, I know one thing for sure, you bought jewellery for that woman, so don’t pretend nothing was going on.

Who the fuck do you think you are? Telling me who I trust. I don’t trust you, or anything you say.

Please leave me alone.’

I’m shaking with anger by the time I finish writing and I hit send before I decide to edit it. I feel sick. I take a few deep breaths, I can’t throw up, I couldn’t get to the bathroom fast enough. I just have to hold it together. I rub my forehead and cover my eyes with my trembling hand. My mobile signals a text, but I can’t look. I just sit and survive for a minute. Then the text signal sounds again, a reminder this time.

“Okay!” I bark at my innocent phone. Then I’m relieved to see it’s just Max.

‘Sorry, really busy down here, be up soon x’

Shit, I have to be by myself for a while longer. This is torture. I want to be behind my bar, where I belong. Busy, occupied, surrounded by noise and friends and, most importantly, feeling powerful. Not prisoner to my flat, stuck with nothing but a stalking ex for company. The laptop signals another Facebook message. Of course…I read it.

‘I’ll leave you alone if that’s really what you want, but there are a couple of things you have to know.

Connie may have put the suggestion out there that day, but I’m so glad she did. I wouldn’t have contacted you, but not because I didn’t want to, because I thought I was respecting your wishes. She made me think that maybe you would want to hear from me and that was all I needed.

As for what I was or wasn’t prepared to do to fight for us in the past…you’ll never know the lengths I went to.’

For fuck’s sake, what does that mean? I feel panicked, like I’ve hurt him, or pushed him too far. Why should I care? I squash my concerns into the background and focus on the anger.

If you did something, went to some significant ‘lengths’ that would change my opinion of you, now is the time to speak up, sunshine. Otherwise, it’s just words. I start to write this as my reply, when Max appears at the door. Quickly, I delete it. What is the point? If I respond, it leaves the conversation open. He said he will leave me alone, maybe I should just let it go.

“You alright?” asks Max. It’s as if he knows words have been exchanged.

“Not really.” I sigh.

“What’s happened now?”

“Oh, I don’t want to bore you with the details.”

“No, come on, it’s what I’m here for,” he says sweetly.

"I just had a bit of a run-in with Danny on Facebook. Apparently, I trust him, it's myself I don't trust. Can you believe the nerve?" Max swallows hard and looks terrified. After an awkward silence, I know he agrees with him. This is going to end in an argument.

"Don't hate me," he says cautiously, "but maybe he’s right."

I stay calm. Max just stares. He's brave, I'll give him that, I'm not in the most reasonable frame of mind at the moment. I watch him for a while, shakily holding his ground and it occurs to me that although he’s not taking sides as such, he has all the information. He’s heard both sides in full and, try as he might to be completely behind me, he can't help but sympathise with Danny.

"You think I should trust him?" I ask slowly, in a measured tone.

Max nods.

"Do you?" I ask.

He pauses then nods again. "I think you want to as well," he adds quietly.

I draw in a deep breath to disagree, but a surge of emotion chokes me.

“Hey,” he soothes, moving closer. “It’s okay.” I break down in his arms.

Max holds me while I gather my thoughts. I allow myself to test the waters of believing Danny. If I did, then it would mean that all of this would go away. He could come back and we could be together. But would it all go away? Wouldn’t I have a nagging doubt, always? Then he would be here and I wouldn’t be happy. He will have given up everything and I would end up having to send him away. Oh God, why is this so complicated? I could choose to forgive him. That would be different, because that would be acknowledging what happened but moving past it. But then what kind of over-trusting idiot would that make me?

“I honestly don’t think he did anything wrong,” says Max, trying to help me.

I sniff and look up at him, wiping my face. Maybe Connie is right. Even if I don’t think I can trust Danny, I should at least be able to trust Max’s judgement, right?

“I think you should talk to him,” he says firmly.

I nod absently. Not realising it looks like I'm agreeing.

“You will?” he asks, hopefully.

I shrug, I don't have the energy to clarify. “He’s just told me he will leave me alone. I can’t go back on it now.”

“It’s never too late,” says Max. “You should call him.”

“No,” I answer, feeling railroaded all of a sudden. “Too much has happened. It’s better just to leave it.”

Max sighs and releases me. He sits back. “You really are infuriating sometimes,” he snaps. His phone beeps in his pocket and he pulls it out, still shaking his head at me in exasperation. He glances at the screen. “Shit, they need me downstairs. Sorry, big delivery, I’ve got to go.” He stands up and fixes me with his stern look. “Don’t throw this away, Liv. You’ll always regret it,” he adds as he leaves.

I’m so sick of this emotional torment, I can’t take anymore. I wish I could go away again, but Max is flat out, Connie has her own stuff and I’ve been to Mum’s already, she needs some time at home with Dave after a month away. I can’t go anywhere by myself. Feeling self-pity brimming out of me I weep again. I let myself sink into a cushion and sob. It’s a conscious decision to wallow, because I could do something. I could call Connie. I could get myself downstairs, I could get a cab somewhere, but it’s all too hard right now so I wallow. The phone rings and I ignore it. He just said he would leave me alone, some willpower he has. If I do decide to speak to him, it won’t be when I’m like this.

I pull a crumpled tissue from my pocket as the answer phone begins its familiar message. But the caller hangs up. Maybe he really has given up, it briefly occurs to me. My stomach turns over at the thought, but I shouldn’t care, I just asked him to leave me alone. Yet the thought of never hearing from him again is worse than anything else.

The phone rings again and I let out a frustrated growl, half choked with tears.

“Leave me alone!” I sob. I hear the beep, expecting it to cut off again, but I hear him breathe. The sound makes me freeze.

“Liv, please…” He begs, sounding emotional. “I’m begging you, talk to me…” There is a pause, I realise I’m holding my breath.

“I’m not giving up, Liv. I will fight for us…” he says. “I let you go too easily once before, I should have fought harder, but I was a stupid kid.” I struggle to sit up. I look at the phone, wanting desperately to pick it up. “But I won’t make that mistake again…”

I sob silently, so torn. I hate him for what he has done but I feel so weak. I wished he had fought harder when he left, so hearing this obviously weakens me further, but he didn’t fight. It’s too late now.

“Liv, I love you…deep down, you know…I wouldn’t do what you think I did…” He sighs. “Please…pick up the phone…” His voice fills the air, I can’t hide from it. I don’t think he will ever go away. After another long pause, he almost whispers, “…please, just pick it up…”

With shaking hands I reach for the phone, an unthinking response to his heartfelt request and press the button as I put it to my ear.

“Liv?’ he asks quietly.

“Yes,” I whisper, crying as silently as I can manage. But then I hear him break down and I can’t hold it back any longer. For a moment, we each battle with our own emotions.

“Sorry.” He chokes, trying to gather himself.

I remain quiet.

“Are you okay?” he asks.

“No,” I say. What am I supposed to say?

“I miss you,” he says softly.

Again I stay silent. I can’t say anything that might seem like reciprocation, even though I do miss him, desperately. My heart is breaking all over again, talking to him, knowing I have to let him go.

“I love you so much,” he continues.

Summoning what little strength I have, I try to speak. “Danny…I…”

“No, don’t,” he interrupts. “You don’t have to say anything. I know you are angry and I know you are hurt. Picking up the phone is enough…Please don’t say anything to end things between us. We can work it out, you just need to let me back in.”

I swallow hard. “I can’t handle this at the moment.” I manage to say with a steady voice.

“I know, I’m sorry.” He sighs. “I’m sorry for everything…I didn’t mean to upset you before and I know I said I’ll leave you alone, but I can’t.”

A small sob escapes my lips and I fight to rein the emotion in. I can’t speak when he keeps saying things like that. I wait for him to say something else…