AK 239: The Enemy Is Already Here

Moscow

Olga Kasparov’s Diary

I’m in studio at Russian TV-12 interviewing my crazy President, Ivan Mironovich.

“So what you’re saying is that the United States of America called upon Russia to help them in Alaska?” I ask.

“Exactly, Olga. The President of the United States called me personally to ask for our specialists’ assistance due to a massive landslide in Southeast Alaska.”

“Can you tell us exactly how Russia will help with a Typhoon class, ballistic missile submarine?”

Again, I really, really wanted to ask this question but didn’t, as once again I value my life more than my phony baloney “Tokyo Rose” job.

The president says, “Well, Olga, I’m sure our American friends don’t want us to get into the details. So let’s just say: We are most pleased to assist our American friends in any way that we possibly can.”

“Some reporters are speculating that some sort of nuclear devise accidentally went off in Alaska. Can you confirm that?”

This, I was actually allowed to ask! Don’t ask me why. The president was now reading from a teleprompter:

“Olga, the U.S. government has told us that while they appreciate our assistance they do not want us to discuss this ‘event publicly’ in any way.”

“So there’s nothing further you can tell us regarding Alaska and Russia?” I ask as I read from my teleprompter lines.

“Well, Olga, Russians love Alaska. We once owned Alaska. We shall do anything to help and support all the residents of Alaska,” says our coy president.

I pause knowing there is another story here and wish I could ask more but didn’t.

That was, almost, all that was written for me on the teleprompter.

I know the public will not be getting any more information from our president on this matter. I turn to the camera saying my last teleprompted lines, maybe forever,

“Well, there you have it. Russia and the Russian people have always been so generous that they are willing to help any country in need.

The president beams with pride at me.

“This is Olga Kasparov reporting from Moscow. Goodnight and… sleep tight!”