AK 239: The Enemy Is Already Here

Washington, D.C.

Joint Chief’s Diplomatic Office

American senior diplomat, John Anderson, sits at his desk staring across to Russian diplomat Andrei Alexeev.

“In light of the fact that several of our ‘packages,’ are missing, President Mironovich proposes we say as little as possible about the Alaska incident and that we work together to retrieve them,” says Alexeev.

“I will convey your proposal to our president.” says Anderson.

“Good. We wouldn’t want the packages to…” says the Russian.

“End up in the wrong hands? Too late.”

The Russian pauses long and studies his opponent like he’s playing a game of chess.

“I was going to say, we wouldn’t want the packages to be reconstructed so as to avert our safety mechanisms.”

“I will convey your proposal to our president,” repeats Anderson as if he’s a robot.

The Russian finally brings up what he came here for:

“And we would like our submarine back.”

Anderson pauses, staring into the eyes of his opponent, ready for his next move. He smiles to himself and remembers the famous line by retired Rear Adm. John Williams. He was the former commander of the U.S. Pacific Submarine Force:

‘It’s never good for an opponent to have your playbook.’

Anderson then confidently says,

“You can have it. We have taken out your caterpillar drive, communications equipment and figured out what that fabulous acoustic absorbing material is that’s on the hull but other than that, we have no use for it.”

Andrei Alexeev is clearly not happy about this as the Americans now have in their possession the quietist submersible motor in the world and hardware that communicates with the entire Russian Armed Forces. Russia will now have to spend, in U.S. dollars, hundreds of billions upgrading every piece of communication and quiet hull technology or risk eavesdropping by the Americans.

The American then says,

“Captain Vasile just wants his wife back.”

The Russian diplomat is puzzled,

“A billion dollar Akula sub for a wife?”

“I’m told he’s a real romantic!”

says Anderson sarcastically.

Alexeev, now, is really not happy.

“Then we’re in agreement.” Says Anderson cheerfully, “You will say privately to the Iranians that the Americans destroyed their sub and we shall privately confirm this. That way you can remain an ally with Iran.

After a very long pause Alexeev begrudgingly says,

“Agreed.”

“And we agree upon the exact location?” says Anderson.

Alexeev, now seething in anger wants something else,

“Directly above the Russian flag only!”

Anderson, after a long pause,

“Always with the symbolism, eh Andrei?”

Alexeev, ignores the slight,

Alexeev continues, “And Admiral Perchinkov wants to see the captain face to face.”

Anderson again a little too cheerful, “I’m sure Captain Vasili wouldn’t want it any other way!”