Dawn Patrol

53

Petra watches Boone sleep.

It's a somewhat edifying experience, in that she's never actually watched a man sleep before.

Not that there haven't been men in her bed, but she has typically fallen asleep before they have, or, preferably, they have gotten up and left after the sexual act and a decent period of “cuddling,” although, truth be told, she could do without the latter. It seems to be expected, however, even though she suspects that the man could dispense with it as well.

If she's in the man's bed, she gets up and leaves after the polite interval, because she prefers to sleep alone, and, especially, wake up alone. She's hardly decent-physically, emotionally, or psychologically-until she's had that first cup of Lapsang souchong, and besides, the last thing she wants to be doing in the morning is looking after a man's needs, feigning cheerfulness as she makes him coffee, eggs, sausages, and the like.

That's what restaurants are for.

Now she watches Boone Daniels sleep and she's fascinated.

One moment the man was totally, utterly awake and one second later he was just as totally, utterly asleep, as if he didn't have the proverbial care in the world. As if he weren't financially bereft, as if he didn't have a crucial witness to locate, as if an apparently violent gangster wasn't out to harm him, as if…

I weren't even here, she admits to herself.

Is that what's bothering you? she asks herself. That this man can simply ignore you to the extent of actual unconsciousness?

Ridiculous, she tells herself. Why would you care if this… primitive doesn't find you as fascinating as, let's face it, most men do? It's not as if you have any interest in him, not as if you've made the slightest effort to attract him.

Of course, you never make the slightest effort, she thinks. Be truthful, woman, you're very lazy when it comes to that. Lazy because you can be, because a frank assessment in the mirror tells you so, and because men tell you so.

They act like idiots and they're ridiculously easy to bring into your bed, if that's what you want.

Not that there have been that many.

A few well-selected, well-heeled, polite, appropriate sexual partners, one or two of whom she had considered as potential husbands and who, she supposes, have evaluated her as a potential wife.

But they are all much too career-oriented and, face it, selfish for marriage. At least at this point in her life, in any case. Perhaps after she makes partner, she might seek out a more serious relationship, perhaps find a man who might be a suitable husband. In the meantime, she's content to find the occasional young lawyer or banker who's appropriate to take to company dinners and, even more occasionally, to bed.

Or am I, she wonders, so content?

You are lonely, she admits to herself. It isn't a sudden revelation, an epiphany of sorts, but more of a creeping realization that she's been missing something, something she never thought she wanted-a close emotional connection with another person. The realization shocks her. She's always been, as long as she can remember, totally self-sufficient.

Which is the way she likes it.

But now she's beginning to feel that she needs somebody, and she doesn't like the feeling.

At all.

She regards Boone again.

How can the man sleep at a time like this?

She briefly considers waking him up but then rejects the idea.

Maybe I'm just jealous she thinks, envious at this ability to sleep so easily.

She doesn't fall asleep easily or sleep particularly well. Instead, she lies awake thinking about cases, about things she needs to do, second-guessing herself about decisions she's made, worrying about them, worrying about how she's perceived at the firm, whether she's working hard, whether she's working too hard and arousing dangerous jealousies. She worries about her wardrobe, her hair. She worries about worrying. Half the time, she can't sleep because she's worrying about not getting enough sleep.

If it weren't for Ambien, she might not sleep at all.

But this waterlogged Cro-Magnon with a PI license, she thinks, he sleeps like a baby. It must be true, then: Ignorance is bliss.

Her mind turns to the girl at the restaurant that morning. The tall, athletic creature with the tawny hair. Clearly, he's sleeping with her, and who could blame him? She's gorgeous. But what on earth could she see in him? She could have any man she wanted, so why does she choose this? Could he be that good in bed? Worth having to wake up to? Certainly not.

It's a mystery.

She's working it through when she sees Teddy walking up the road.