Little Boy Blue

41

‘So this was your third visit to the Torture Rooms?’

‘Yes,’ Jackson replied, without choosing to elaborate further.

Helen nodded, but didn’t push it. He had clearly never spoken about this to anyone before.

‘What time would you say you got there?’

‘Around eight p.m.’

‘Did you go with someone else or -’

‘I was alone.’

The way he said it made Helen think he had been ‘alone’ for some time.

‘This is not something I’ve shared,’ he continued. ‘It’s not something I want shared. It’s been a process for me.’

‘You’d told Jake Elder though.’

Jackson looked up sharply at Helen, then lowered his gaze once more.

‘How did you first encounter him?’

‘I went to a Munch. They’re -’

‘We know what they are. Go on.’

‘Well, I’d looked at some things online. I suppose I’ve always been attracted to men. But I’ve never told anyone, never done anything about it until recently. Maybe it’s because the kids are older, because I’ve got more time on my hands. Don’t get me wrong, I love my wife, but there’s a part of me that’s just…’

Helen nodded, but said nothing. There was more coming.

‘I liked the S &M stuff. Can’t say why. I’ve got a stressful job, a busy life… but maybe that’s just excuses.’

‘And Mr Elder… ?’

‘Someone at the Munch mentioned him, so I got in touch. We had a session at his flat and well… that was pretty much it for me.’

Helen nodded. It was so odd to hear him articulating feelings she had felt, but she kept a poker face. She wanted more than this discursive preamble.

‘I went as often as I could. Spent I don’t know how much money. After a while, it became unsustainable so I thought I’d venture on to the scene to see if I could find some more… companionship.’

‘That must have been risky,’ Charlie interjected.

‘Of course it was, given my position… but there’s a kind of unwritten rule about these places. If you see someone you know – someone you recognize from normal life – well, you never mention it.’

‘What happens on tour stays on tour.’

‘Something like that.’

‘And what about Tuesday night?’ Helen said, inserting herself into the conversation once more. ‘When and how did you meet Jake Elder?’

‘I saw him on the dance floor. He looked bored. He looked… sad.’

‘Why?’

‘I’ve no idea.’

‘What happened next?’

‘I beckoned to him,’ Jackson replied cautiously. ‘I beckoned to him and he came over. I suggested… I suggested he might like to go somewhere with me.’

‘Did you touch him?’

‘A little. Just to get him in the mood…’

‘Why was your saliva on his cheek and ear?’

Jackson sighed, fidgeting.

‘Why, Paul?’

‘Because I sucked his ear.’

‘Ok.’

‘I whispered a suggestion of what we might do and then… then I sucked his earlobe. I don’t know why I did it…’

‘Then what?’ Helen persisted. She could sense Jackson retreating inwards. These confessions were taking their toll.

‘He turned me down.’

‘Why would he do that?’

‘You’d have to ask him that,’ Jackson laughed bitterly, earning a reproachful look from his lawyer. ‘He said it was because he didn’t want to blur the lines between the personal and professional, but who knows?’

Helen eyed Jackson carefully. It was a convenient excuse and Jake wasn’t around to contradict him. Was his bitterness just an act?

‘Did you go into the rooms at the back of the club?’

‘No.’

‘So we definitely won’t find any traces of you – hairs, skin, prints – in those rooms?’

‘I never got near them.’

‘Why not?’

‘I don’t know, you tell me. Maybe it just wasn’t my night.’

‘A handsome guy like you?’

‘There’s no accounting for taste,’ Jackson spat back sourly.

‘Are you sure Jake didn’t accept your invitation and take you backstairs?’

‘Look, I’ve told you what happened. If you don’t believe me…’

‘Do you like the rough stuff?’

‘Don’t answer that,’ his lawyer interjected.

‘For God’s sake, Paul, our guys are poring over the search history on your phone. We’re picking up your computers – from home and work. We are going to find out what you’ve been looking at, so do not hold out on me now.’

‘Yes, I like the hard stuff.’

‘Paul…’ his lawyer warned gently, but his client appeared not to hear him.

‘Have you ever watched Edge Play? Online or in the flesh?’

‘Yes.’

‘Have you ever participated in Edge Play?’

‘Occasionally.’

‘Have you used wet sheets?’

‘Yes, I have, but that doesn’t mean -’

‘Doesn’t mean what?’

‘That I did anything to Jake.’

‘Why would it mean that? I haven’t mentioned wet sheets in connection with his death. Neither has the press, so how would you know that?’

‘I wouldn’t… I was just saying that…’

‘Did you kill him, Paul?’

‘No…’

‘Did you take him to one of the back rooms that night, tie him up -’

‘No, a hundred times no…’

‘Punish him as he deserved to be punished?’

‘I would never do that.’

‘Why?’

‘Because it’s not my thing.’

‘You’re contradicting yourself now, Paul. We’ve all just heard you say -’

‘I like the rough stuff, but -’

‘But what?’

‘But I’m always the bottom, ok, never the top,’ he finally said, glaring at Helen.

‘Sorry, I’m a bit -’ his lawyer began.

‘Bottom means the submissive, the top is the dominator,’ Helen interjected, keen to keep the focus on Jackson.

‘I… I don’t like to dominate.’ Jackson’s voice faltered. ‘I want to be humiliated, abused, degraded. That’s why… that’s why I could never do something like this.’

Jackson raised his gaze to meet Helen’s and she was surprised to see that tears were threatening.

‘Please believe me. I didn’t kill Jake Elder.’