Little Boy Blue

64

What was wrong with her? She should be feeling relieved, elated, excited, but she felt none of these things. Her body ached, her brain throbbed – she was a mess.

Samantha lay on the bathroom floor, resting her forehead on the cold tiles. Returning to the flat last night, she had downed an entire bottle of vodka. Perhaps it was the adrenaline of the evening, perhaps the vodka was just low grade – either way she’d brought it all back up again an hour later. She normally never vomited but last night she couldn’t stop, gagging on the bitter bile that was all she had left at the end.

If she’d had the energy, she’d gladly have killed herself. Her life was an endless merry-go-round of high hopes and crushing disappointments – each one harder to stomach than the last. She knew she was a work in progress, but still… Why were the highs so high and lows so low? Perhaps all those shrinks had been right after all. Perhaps she was a bad person.

Putting an unsteady hand on the sink, Samantha hauled herself upright. Turning on the tap, she cupped her hands together to collect the cold water and drank greedily from them. Then she threw the soothing water on to her face – she was burning up – and ran her wet fingers through her hair. A deep, sulphurous burp ensued and suddenly she was vomiting again, the water she’d just consumed disappearing down the plughole with obscene haste. It was as if the water couldn’t stomach her, rather than the other way around.

Samantha dropped back down to the floor, exhausted and defeated. There was no point fighting it now and she finally gave way to despair. It was cruel but there was no point denying it. She had tried to embrace this world, but it always rejected her, raising the level of punishment each time. She was gone – dead behind the eyes now – and felt hollow, empty and utterly alone.