The Price of Butcher's Meat

16

FROM: charley@whiffle.com

TO: cassie@natterjack.com

SUBJECT: Viva Las Vegas!

Hi!

Yet another one hot off the press. When you lead an eventful life like mine-theres hardly time to breathe.

I slept on the barts invite-coincidentally having an embarrassingly raunchy dream (details on application in plain brown envelope!)-which had nothing at all to do with my decision to amaze everyone by getting up early- amp; asking Tom if I could borrow the car.

— to explore-I said.

— good idea-he enthused-tho you will be back for the Avalon lunch do?-

It had gone right out of my mind!

I said-look-Im sorry-of course youll need the car to get to your meeting-

amp; he said-no problem-Ill bike along the top road-it will do me good. After lunch-you can drive me back-so that I dont have to do myself any more good!-

He really is a lovely man.

I didnt mention Denham Park-cos I dont think Mary would have approved. In any case-I thought-I might change my mind.

Young Minnie volunteered to be my expedition guide-naturally! — but I wasnt having that. Still didnt know if my intentions were honorable-or what-but I certainly didnt want my options closed down by having Min by my side-taking notes!

She looked ready to argue her case-but Mary soon shut her up- amp; I promised her Id take her for another swim at the manor before Uncle Sid goes home! Self-interest-or what!

En route to Denham Park, it occurred to me-I was being a bit arrogant thinking Teddy was going to sit around all day on the off chance I showed. Thought of not finding him home didnt bother me too much-but I didnt like the idea of being told Id been stood up by his frozen faced sister! So when I reached the Hollis’s Ham site-I turned in to check if the old RR-or the Sexy Beast-was in the car park.

Didnt get far-there was a barrier across the entrance amp; a little hut-presumably for the gatekeeper-but no one in it. So I got out of the car-ducked under the barrier- amp; began to walk toward this line of vehicles I could see parked in front of the nearest building. Id only gone a few yards when a voice called out-hoy! — you! — stop right there! — amp; dont bloody move!-

I looked round to see this heavyweight guy coming out from behind a clump of gorse bushes- amp; heading toward me at a lumbering trot. His hands were fiddling with his fly- amp; I thought-oh God-Ive hit upon the mad rapist of Sandytown-better run for it girl!

Then it dawned on me he wasnt pulling his zip down-but up! Must have been having a pee. He still looked pretty menacing-but us psychologists have got all kinds of special stratagems for defusing menace.

I stared at him- amp; said-very Lady Bracknell-what kind of dog is it?-

— eh? — he said.

— this dog youre shouting at-what kind is it? — I said.

OK-this wasnt one of the special stratagems I learned-this was just me being pissed off at being yelled at like I was a criminal!

He caught on I was taking the piss-wasnt amused-but at least he was no longer Mad Rapist-more heavy duty Security Guard-as he said-oh yes-youll know all about the dogs-remember them from your last visit-do you?-

It struck me now where Id seen him before-hed been the guy up the ladder cleaning the sign the day of my arrival-the one Tom had greeted out of the window.

I said-its Ollie-isnt it? Perhaps you can tell me-Ollie-if Teddy Denham is on the site-

That stopped him in his tracks. As Freud says-getting them by the name is almost as good as getting them by the balls. He looked from me to the car on the far side of the barrier-then suddenly he turned from Security Guard to Mr Smilie-like the Good Witch of the North had waved her wand.

He said-you must be Miss Heywood-right? — her whos staying with Tom Parker-Miss Lee told me about thee-Im Ollie Hollis-would you like a cup of tea?-

It was recognizing Toms car that did it-of course. In Sandytown-if youre a chum of Toms-you have to be OK.

Two minutes later I was sitting in Ollies hut-drinking tea.

He was full of apology. Seems theyd had trouble with animal rights protesters-so anyone seen on the site without permission gets short shrift. The main attack-Ollie explained-had happened a couple of years back-lots of damage done-pigs turned loose-lot of them never showed up again- amp; half the folk in this neck of the wood were eating pork till Christmas-he added with a big grin.

— so youre head of security? — I asked.

— I wish! — he said-could do with the salary! — No-Im just the gatekeeper-

— sorry-I said-I thought-being called Hollis yourself-youd likely be one of the family-

— oh aye-he said-Im a genuine Hollis-theres a few on us about-but Hog-he were my cousin-were tonly one as ever made it rich- amp; he werent the kind to spread it around! But shouldnt speak ill of the dead- amp; he always said as thered be a job for me- amp; he kept his word. Used to work with the pigs-but that didnt help my asthma-so Hog fixed me up here-but not security-just gatekeeper. Since them extremists started targeting us theres been a proper security guard with a couple of big German shepherds comes on at night-

Hence the confusion about dogs. The protesters had come back the night before I arrived in Sandytown-put a ladder up at the main gate-sprayed the sign-then climbed over.

— thats when they found out about the dogs-said Ollie gleefully-we got it on the security tape-you shouldve seen em run! — One on em made it OK-but one of the dogs got hold of tothers leg afore she managed to get over-

— she? — I said.

— Ay-they were wearing balaclavas-but you could tell the buggers were lasses (an interesting concept-I thought)-by the way they ran-its the broad hips tha knows-thats what made me suspicious of you-

Ignoring the slander on my hips-I asked if theyd been caught. He said there was a car waiting for them-you could just glimpse it on the tape- amp; the unbitten one helped the bitten one into it- amp; it took off fast.

— Jug Whitby-thats Sergeant Whitby-our local cop-he said-is on the case-so I doubt well hear much more about it-

Self-interest made me ask about his connection with Miss Lee.

As Id guessed-its his asthma. Ollie was resigned to having to make do with the usual range of palliatives for the recurring attacks-until-at Toms suggestion-he consulted Miss Lee-whod needled his troubles away! Suspect hes her star patient-so natch shed mentioned my wish to chat about how people reacted to treatment.

I told him Id been looking for Teddy- amp; he said he hadnt been in today- amp; I said-sort of fishing-it didnt surprise me-Ted didnt give the impression of being a dedicated pig man-which made him laugh. But he did say Ted does show up quite a lot-even if his main concern-not unnaturally-is to keep the pong down!

Ollie said he hardly noticed the smell now-though hed much rather the beasts were roaming loose like when he was a lad-instead of being penned inside-never seeing light of day. Says Hog Hollis would have been happy to be a trad farmer if the government-the EU- amp; the supermarkets-hadnt forced him to become a millionaire!

I asked if Hog had really been et by his own pigs.

— oh yes-he said cheerfully-made a lot of folk smile that-specially when they were having their breakfast bacon-sort of poetic-bit like “On Ilkla Moor Baht’at”-

— so what happened? — I asked.

— dont rightly know-must have been working late-went to check something in one of the units-had a stroke-or summat-collapsed in a feeding trough-owt in theres grub for the porkers- amp; theyre used to getting some pretty funny stuff to eat I tell you-so by time he were found next day-he were well chewed over-

I finished my tea- amp; said Id best be on my way to Denham Park.

He said-this were Denham land once tha knows. Makes no odds-farmer or squire-once you start selling rather than buying land-thats the beginning of the end. But no need to tell you that-being a Heywood!-

The government could save millions on electronic surveillance-if they just scattered a few hundred Yorkshire tykes around the world!

I sniffed amp; said-the Denhams must have been desperate to part with land so that Hog Hollis could build a pig farm on their doorstep-

— nay-he said grinning-werent exactly like that. Story is-way back when Daph Brereton were still Daph Brereton-big mucker of Sir Harry Denham-him being master of the hunt amp; her being such a keen rider-she made him an offer for this bit of land-letting on she were hoping to get planning permission for building houses on it. Now Sir Harry had tried to get permission himself-always strapped for cash the Denhams- amp; been turned down-so he reckoned this were just some daft female notion- amp; if she had spare cash to give away he might as well take it-so he let her have the land-at top agricultural price-even though it werent good for owt but a bit of rough grazing- amp; thought hed done a smart deal. Next thing he hears is that Daph amp; Hog has wed- amp; Hogs planning to expand his pig farm onto his wifes bit of land!-

— but wouldnt they need planning permission for that? — I asked.

— no problem-agricultural development-plus more pigs meant more jobs- amp; a bigger site meant more council tax-said Ollie-also Hog were well in with the planning chairman. So no bugger paid much attention when Sir Harry objected. Word is-he were threatening to take a horsewhip to Mrs Hollis next time she showed up at the hunt-

— instead-eventually he married her-I said-was that just to get her in whipping distance?-

— nay-thats another story altogether-he grinned-inviting me to prompt him for details. But time was moving on amp; Id had enough of talking about Lady D for one morning. More I heard about her-the less I liked her!

So I said I had to go but Id like to talk to him sometime about his experience of Miss Lees “cure”- amp; he said-Ill likely see you at the hog roast?-

I said-doubt it-though Ive been invited-sort of. You too?-

— Im in charge of the roast-he said proudly.

— gosh-I said-sounding impressed-cos he clearly reckoned it was an important job-so what will you do-stick it on a spit amp; turn a handle?-

— bit more to it than that-he said-Hog started it-after he made his pile amp; bought the hall amp; became Lord of the Hundred. Big annual event in the town- amp; I think it amused Hog to call it a hog roast. Tried a spit at first-but that were hard work with a full size porker. So Hog got his brother Hen to build a proper bit of machinery. Always good with his hands was Hen-not so good with figures amp; poultry-but. Any road-I used to help Hen with the hog roast gear right up to when Hog died. After that the annual roast died too- amp; I were real surprised when I heard there was going to be another- amp; real chuffed when I got asked if Id check the equipment out amp; take charge-

— I thought Hen was the expert?-

— oh shed not ask Hen-he laughed-theyve not exchanged 2 civil words since he challenged Hogs will-any road-Ive been odd jobbing around the hall for years-so I were on the spot-so to speak-

I said I looked forward to seeing him there- amp; took off to Denham Park.

Again-as on my first sighting-I was impressed by the magnificent situation of the house-perched high on its hill-grounds sweeping away eastward to the sea- amp; westward to the pig farm!

Up close it turned out to be even bigger than it looked on the horizon-but like an old movie star up close-the cracks showed. Past simple TLC–Id say-needs a complete makeover. Poor Teddy-cant sell it- amp; if he doesnt do something quick-I doubt if hell even be able to live in it!

Then I forgot all about him as I reached the front of the house.

The ancient RR was there-with alongside it a bright red Maserati coupe!

Sidney Parker was here!

Damn! I thought. Not that the prospect of seeing Sid again wasnt pleasant. But mightnt it give the wrong impression if he saw me dropping in on the hunky bart? — the wrong impression being we had something going.

In other words-yeah-I wanted to see them both-but not at the same time!

Thats the trouble with being a highly trained psychologist-youre always playing chess with other peoples thoughts!

I debated whether it might be best if I just headed off out of here. Then I heard this throaty roar behind me- amp; when I turned amp; saw Teddys mobike-the Beast-heading up the drive-I thought Id got it wrong- amp; it must be Ess that Sid was visiting-which made me think-damn! — again.

Hard to please-aint I?!

However when the Beast halted alongside me- amp; the black leathered figure removed the silvery helmet-I saw it wasnt Ted-but Esther!

I found myself wondering if this was the spare set of leathers Ted had promised to loan me- amp; was the Ice Queen wearing anything underneath them?!

She said-Miss Heywood-this is a surprise-are you expected?-

Making it sound as likely as the Second Coming.

I said-Teddy did say drop in-but I see hes got company-

— yes-so it appears-she said-glancing at the Maz. Id have put money on her next move being to imply that-in the circs-a well brought up person would make an excuse- amp; be on her way. But she surprised me by smiling suddenly-not a five hundred watt freindly smile- amp; with no resemblance at all to the incandescence I remembered lighting up her face when she was dirty dancing with her Emil-but definitely a smile.

Sliding elegantly off the bike-she said-but you must come in now youre here-Im sure theyd both be delighted to see you-

Sudden rush of noblesse oblige to the head-or what?

Why not? I thought-could be fun to see smooth Sid alongside the hunky bart-so I could compare amp; contrast- amp; allocate points on the old Heywood girls scale-remember? Out of 10 for Wealth, Wheels amp; Social Skills amp; out of 20 for Sex Appeal!

To tell truth-dont think I had a choice of stay or go. Tho Ess didnt actually touch me-I found myself steered through the doorway into what would have made a lovely baronial hall-could imagine Fairbanks or Flynn fighting his way down-or up-the broad staircase in one of mums old favorites-but there were no suits of armor in the corners-no marble busts in the niches-no rich tapestries on the walls-in fact nothing at all except pale squares showing where pictures had once hung-all of which fit what Id guessed from the fake Rolex business-that Teddy had been selling off the family goodies to keep body amp; soul together.

Ess flung open a couple of doors-giving me a brief glimpse into more rooms looking like theyd been stripped by marauding Vikings- amp; struck lucky on the third.

Nothing much in here either-except a few ancient chairs amp; a sofa-on which Teddy amp; Sidney were sitting-heads close-talking earnestly.

They looked toward us. Ted jumped to his feet-flushing as he recognized me-the invitation hed tossed my way had clearly gone right out of his head!

Sid-by contrast-gave me a lovely smile-like I was the best thing hed seen all day.

— Charlotte-he said-how nice to see you again-so soon-

— Youve met then-said Teddy-sounding-I hoped! — a bit jealous.

— Of course-when I called to pay my respects to Tom. Hi Esther. Just what our dull masculine deliberations could do with-two rays of feminine brightness-

OK-flowery froth-but hes got style enough to get away with it.

I grinned back like an idiot- amp; gave him a straight 10 for Social Skills! (amp; it wasnt even his house!)-but at the same time I was wondering-what deliberations? — what are you two up to?

Ess had a look on her face that suggested she might have been wondering the same. All she said was-this is cozy-lets all sit down amp; have a cup of coffee-Im sure Miss Heywoods ready for one-

Something about the way she said that last phrase made me think she was taking the piss!

Ted said-oh sure-yes-fine-

Ive heard more enthusiasm from dad when mum asks him to chat to the WI about diversification!

I thought-to hell with this! Im not staying where Im not wanted. In any case-Ess will probably expect me to make the coffee!

I said-thanks but not for me-just dropped by to say hello-now I need to get back-promised Id pick up Tom to take him to the Avalon meeting-

Not so much a lie as an adjustment of the truth-Ive written essays on the distinction! Also-recalling Toms request that I didnt mention the meeting in front of Big Bum-I guessed the Denhams wouldnt know about it either.

OK-I should probably have kept quiet in front of them too-knowing the way they scratched if Lady D itched-but I couldnt resist giving Teddy a sharp prod to pay him back for forgetting me.

It worked like a dream.

Ted said-what meeting?-

I said-all surprise-sorry-was sure youd be going-its to tie up arrangements for the Festival of Health-you know-its marvelous of Dr Feldenhammer to be so receptive to new ideas-isnt it?-

Ess said- amp; what does it have to do with you exactly?-

I said-oh nothing-of course-Im just going for the lunch party afterward-

OK-I know-drinks amp; nibbles is hardly a lunch party-but I was seriously pissed with the Denhams!

I headed back into the hall.

Ess followed me out. I thought she was going to see me to the door-like a good hostess-but she just started up the staircase.

— Ill see myself out then-I said.

She didnt even pause-let alone reply-I might as well have been a parlor maid! — amp; I thought-Sod this!

I trilled-by the way Esther-did Teddy tell you? — I think we may have bumped into each other in Davos last Christmas-at the Bengel bar-you were dancing with a good looking local boy-Emil I think his name was-remember?-

Now she paused!

Gotcha! — I thought.

Dont know what shed have said-but before she could speak-behind me-a telephone on a ledge beside the door rang.

— get that-would you? — said Esther.

amp; I found myself getting it-just like a good little parlor maid!

But blessed are the meek-for they shall get their own back!

I said-hello-Denham Park-

Lady Ds unmistakable voice said-who is that?-

— its Charley Heywood-Lady Denham-I said-looking up to see the Ice Queens reaction. Not much-but I reckon I caught a flicker beneath that chilly surface.

I could almost hear Lady D choking back-what the devil are you doing there?-

Instead she said-peremptorily-I would like to speak to my nephew-

If the Ice Queen hadnt been listening-I might have said-hes just getting dressed-

Instead I said-hes rather busy just now-a business meeting-with Sidney Parker-

That got a sharp intake of breath-which was then expelled-or rather exploded-very Lady Bracknell! — into-a business meeting!-

I began to feel sorry for Ted-not only caught entertaining a woman of ill repute-but also holding a secret meeting with Daphs financial adviser-

Ess was moving back down the stairs-but Ted came out of the drawing room before she could reach me. Feeling sorry for him didnt stop me holding out the phone- amp; saying-its your aunt-

He winced like the phone was hot- amp; I made a rapid exit-not bothering to glance up to see how far Esther had got.

As I reached the car-a voice called-Charley-

I turned- amp; my heart gave a little leap. Sid had come out to say cheerio.

He stood on the terrace-looking down at me amp; smiling- amp; I started feeling guilty. It was one thing dropping Ted in it-but I had no reason for wanting to get Sid in Big Bums bad books.

— sorry youve got to dash away-he said-our business shouldnt take much longer. In fact-if-as I gather-thats dear Daphne on the phone-Im sure our meeting will be brought to a close with some expedition-so if you did have time to stay another few minutes-Id love a chance to talk with you-

Whatever was going on-Sid wasnt letting anything ruffle his smooth exterior!

I was tempted. But never show weakness-eh? — so I resisted- amp; said-no-Ive really got to go-but Im sure youll be coming over to Kyoto sometime-wont you? — it would break Minnies heart if you didnt-

He fluttered his long silky eyelashes-could I get a transplant?!

— if the well being of a fair young maiden is in question-I must definitely come-though hell should bar the way-

Like I said-takes real style to get away with that kind of schmaltz!

We stood smiling at each other-his smile sort of sophisticated ironic-mine more idiot grin- amp; I thought-hes the one-definite!

Then Ted the Bart came out of the door onto the terrace- amp; stood alongside Sid- amp; suddenly I wasnt quite so sure. Hard to compare-but I did my best! Teds all macho hunkiness to Sids elegant smoothiness-depends whether your taste runs to chalk or cheese. On the beach I guess the bart would have edged it. 20 points to 19+ for sex appeal. Here it felt the other way round. amp; then there was the Maz. Definitely worth twice as much as the battered old Range Rover-or even the Beast.

Ted looked a lot less shell-shocked than I anticipated. In fact he looked rather pleased with himself. How had he survived? — I wondered.

Then the answer came to me-diversionary tactics! Before she could quiz him about this business meeting with Sid-hed told her that her toy-boy Feldenhammer was having a party at the Avalon that she wasnt invited to!

I thought-shit-should have kept your gob shut girl-

Ted said-sorry youve got to dash off Charley-well do that mobike ride another day eh?-

I thought-if you imagine Im going to risk getting frostbite in my crotch by putting it where the Ice Queens has been-youve got another think coming!

The withering look accompanying this thought was wasted however-as hed turned to Sid-put his arm round his shoulder- amp; drew him away.

But as they walked back into the house-Sid turned his head- amp; winked at me-tho the way he did it-so languid amp; sexy amp; full of promise-calling it a wink is like calling his Maz a jalopy!

I drove away very slowly-to sort out my thoughts- amp; pretty soon I reckoned Id cracked it! There was something going on here- amp; it was going on behind Lady Ds back. Had to do with money-Teddy desperately needed it- amp; it was Sids profession. Teds one remaining asset-far as I could tell-was Denham Park. He could do anything he liked with it-except sell it-wasnt that what Mary had told me? So what might he amp; Sid have been talking about? Turning it into another hotel in competition with Brereton Manor? Possible-but you needed something else to hook in investors-some activity that had nothing to do with health amp; exercise amp; country recreation.

A gambling casino-I thought. Possible-except access wasnt great- amp; not even the sweet smell of money could mask the stench of the Hollis pigs. What about a retirement home? Do old folk lose their sense of smell sis? But I couldnt see Ted amp; Ess as your jolly carers!

Whatever they were up to-clearly Lady D- amp; Tom too-werent in the loop.

Could see Sid might not mind pulling a fast one on Lady D-but I couldnt see him going behind his brothers back-just to make a quick buck.

Whatever the game was-Id given it away to Lady D-with malice afore-thought-but I resolved not to say anything to Tom-both for his sake- amp; also cos I didnt want to get any further up the noses of the 2 dishiest guys in town!

Now I decided to compensate for my bad behavior by getting back to Kyoto in time to save Tom from the bicycle!

Neednt have bothered-Franny Roote had just turned up- amp; hed offered Tom a lift to the Avalon-so he told me to drive myself over for the lunch as planned. Tom was even more bubbly than usual-full of confidence his meeting was going to go well- amp; also chuffed cos hed rung Godly Gordon- amp; he was definitely going to attend!

I made some comment about his powers of persuasion- amp; I caught Franny grinning at me-as if he knew-which he couldnt-that Id put in my little twopennorth. I gave him the test. Wealth-4 at most Id guess. Wheels-only 1 for his mini ambulance. Social Skills-this was hard-Im sure hed have no problem smoothing a girls path-dealing with all situations-keeping the talk bright amp; stimulating-but I get the feeling that from time to time hed enjoy dropping a handful of grit into the works! So 8 out of 10 there.

As for Sex Appeal-impossible to give points without more info. It could be like giving Sid 10 out of 10 for Wheels-then finding the Maz had no engine!

Hard-you say? Well-I remember who it was knocked 5 points off the vicars son after you found he had diabetes! The thought he might be pulling out his needle before he pulled out his dong-your words! — was a real downer!

Tom amp; Fran went off-leaving me with a good hour before I needed to make a move-so I thought Id bring you up to date.

Better dash now. Looking forward to seeing inside the famous clinic. Got a feeling at some point Big Bum may try to crash the party. If she does-I hope it doesnt come out who big mouth was!

Wont take Sherlock Holmes to guess that-I hear you say-not when your little sister has a mouth makes Julia Roberts look like shes whistling Dixie.

Youd better be careful-sis! When you come home with your bronze trophy doctor in tow-youre going to need all the friends you can find.

Love you

Charley xxxx