The Price of Butcher's Meat

10

As Peter Pascoe approached the Avalon Clinic, he had a dilemma.

Who should he contact first, the two witnesses-Dr. Feldenhammer and Nurse Sheldon-or Andy Dalziel?

Proper procedure required that as chief investigating officer he made straight for the witnesses.

But Dalziel, though on sick leave, was still his boss, and having been on the spot for a little while he might be able to provide some useful background…

No, scrub that!

It was simply an excuse to mask his awareness that one of the horns of his dilemma was bigger and sharper and could penetrate a lot deeper than the other, an awareness heightened by what he now acknowledged was a growing taste for independence.

During his years in Mid-Yorkshire CID, Pascoe had grown used to being answerable only to himself and Dalziel. The Fat Man’s absence had left a huge gap that no other senior figure could possibly fill. At first he was always aware of it. But in the last week or so he had felt it less and less, not because anyone was filling it, but because he himself had somehow expanded into the space.

Eventually Daddy Bear would come back home and bump Goldilocks out of his bed. That was an inevitable part of the scheme of things. But it belonged in the future. In the present Dalziel was a convalescing colleague, taken out of the loop both by medical regime and bureaucratic regulation, and not even the unfortunate coincidence of a big case exploding right on his doorstep entitled him to move back into his old space.

So, dilemma solved. Professional duty first, sick visit second.

The golden gates of Avalon loomed ahead. He peeped his horn. A man emerged from a small gatehouse, opened the gates, and waved him forward.

He drew up alongside the gatekeeper and wound down his window.

“Detective Chief Inspector Pascoe to see Dr. Feldenhammer.”

Behind him Pascoe heard his rear door open. The car’s suspension sighed under a sudden weight. He looked in his mirror knowing what he would see. It was still a shock. Though it shouldn’t have been. Why would God leave important decisions to mere mortals when he could so easily take them himself?

“You took your time,” said that all-too-familiar voice. “Okay, Stan, this is the bugger I were telling thee about.”

“Right, Mr. Dalziel. I’ll see you later.”

The gatekeeper waved the car forward.

Pascoe obeyed.

“Bear left here,” commanded the Fat Man. “That’s it, toward the old house.”

“Where, no doubt, I shall find Dr. Feldenhammer,” said Pascoe, trying to get back on even terms.

“Don’t be daft. Old Festerwhanger can wait. Any road, he’s got Pet up there with him. Probably giving her one. Common reaction to some traumatic episodes, that’s what the book says.”

This was the point to stop the car and resume control. Instead Pascoe heard himself ask, “Whose book? And who is Pet?”

“Pet Sheldon, head nurse. And Fester’s own book. Posttraumatic Stress-A Patient’s Guide. Catchy title, eh? You’ll likely have seen the movie. He gave me a copy. Bet he didn’t think I’d read it, but I whipped through it, looking for the mucky bits. Park here.”

Pascoe brought the car to a halt but he kept the engine running. He’d made up his mind. This was as far as he was going.

“Sir…,” he began, but it was too late. The rear door had opened, and the car almost sighed its relief as the Fat Man got out and set off toward the house, not once looking back to check he was followed.

“Shit,” said Pascoe, and got out.

They crossed a terrace area where a few people sat at small circular wrought-iron tables, drinking coffee or wine. The early evening air was balmy. The storm had merely freshened things up, not signaled the end of summer. The drinkers could have been guests at an Italian villa watching Il Duce returning from an evening stroll, followed by his faithful bodyguard.

The process ended in a bedroom that looked up to luxury-hotel standards. A couple of stars at least above the Cedars, the police convalescent home. Was Cap footing the bill? Couldn’t see Dalziel going along with that. Maybe he had insurance. Or maybe a grateful criminal community had taken up a subscription to keep him out of the way.

“Look, sir…,” he tried again, but the Fat Man cut across, saying, “First things first. Sit yourself down.”

He opened a drawer and took out a bottle of scotch and two glasses.

Pascoe lowered himself into the single armchair and watched as Dalziel poured an inch of liquor into one glass, three inches into the other.

To Pascoe’s surprise, he received the larger measure.

“Slainte!” said the Fat Man, flopping on the bed. “Welcome to Zombieland. Good to see you, Pete, even though you’ve not brought any grapes.”

“Like you say, I’m on duty…”

“Always mek time to pick the flowers along the way, lad. Or the grapes. Any road, what’s the verdict?”

“Early days and I’ve got an open mind,” said Pascoe.

“Eh? On me, not the case, you daft bugger! You’ve been running your eye over me like an Aberdeen undertaker wondering whether to charge by the inch or the ounce.”

“I think I’ll tell them to put the flowers on hold,” said Pascoe. “Seriously, you’re looking fine. Much more like your old self, and your old self must know that, unless you know something pertinent to my investigation, I should not be here socializing.”

“Pertinent? Socializing? Ee, I’ve missed you, lad, but not a lot. Right, let’s make it official. Questions?”

“Let’s start with basics. Were you acquainted with the deceased?”

“Buffalo woman, you mean. Daph Denham. Aye, met her a couple of times. First time were in the Hope and Anchor. That’s our local. Nice drop of ale. Landlord knows his beer and knows how to keep his customers happy. Name of Hollis…”

“That’s a name that keeps cropping up,” said Pascoe, looking at his list. “That would be Alan…?”

“Right. Good lad. They’re all relatives of the famous Hog Hollis, tha knows, the Taste of Yorkshire. Any road, that’s where me and Daph first met. Didn’t make a good impression. In fact, she looked at me like I’d just escaped from Dartmoor. Couldn’t really blame her as I’d lost one of my slippers. But things were different when I saw her at Fester’s party day before yesterday…”

“Fester’s party?” interrupted Pascoe, seeking sense in this surreal flow.

“Lester Feldenhammer’s party. It’s one mad round of pleasure here. Kill or cure, that’s the Avalon motto. Where was I? Buffalo woman. She gave me the glad eye. Naturally I thought mebbe she’d succumbed to me boyish charm-seems she were a bit of a goer, by all accounts-bit long in the tooth, but there’s many a good tune played on an old double bass-”

“Could we stick to the point?” said Pascoe sharply. “Presuming there is one!”

“Ooh, hoity-toity! What’s next? Rubber truncheons? I didn’t talk to her at the party. To tell the truth, I weren’t feeling too clever. But yesterday morning, she came bursting into my room, like a heifer on heat.”

“Just tell me what she wanted,” said Pascoe wearily.

“Nowt really. Usual daft woman’s stuff,” said Dalziel casually. “She wanted to tap into my constabulary expertise. She’d got some silly notion into her head that someone were trying to kill her.”

I should have known it, thought Pascoe. The old sod enjoys jerking me around, but he’d not get in my way unless he thought it was important.

“You got details, I presume?” he said.

“Oh yes,” said Dalziel. “I’ve got details.”

He stuck his right hand under the mattress and came out with what looked like an MP3 player.

He’s going to play some music in case we’re being bugged, guessed Pascoe.

“Meet Mildred, memory on a stick,” said Dalziel almost proudly. “State-of-the-art recorder, more sensitive than a parson’s dick. Present from Fester. Thinks keeping an audio diary could have a beneficiary effect, therapeutically speaking.”

Nice piece of mimicry-if Feldenhammer spoke like W. C. Fields!

What next? wondered Pascoe. Dalziel bragging about state-of-the-art technology was like that first chord from Dylan’s electric guitar.

“And has it?” he asked.

To his surprise, Dalziel didn’t snort a blasphemous denial, but hesitated a moment before saying, “Don’t know. Mebbe it has. Any road, like I say, it’s useful for filling in the gaps till me memory catches up with me bones. More important here, it’ll carry on recording even if I’ve got it stuck in my pocket.”

“You mean you actually recorded what Lady Denham said to you?” said Pascoe, amazed. “But why…?”

“I had it handy when she burst in, and just in case it really were my lily-white body she was after, I switched it on. I’ve got my reputation to think of, tha knows. But for once, I were wrong. Listen.”

He pressed a button and a woman’s voice, strong, deep, authoritative, began to speak.