The Price of Butcher's Meat

5

Andy! I didn’t hear you knock.

Knock? Oh aye. Short-term memory still on the blink. Sorry.

Never mind. It’s good to see you. How’re you doing? You look well. Come on in, take a seat, let’s review your progress.

Nay, Lester, that’s not why I’m here. Not doctor and patient this time. This is official. I’m back on the job. Mind if I put another cushion on this chair, raise me up a bit? That’s better. Always like to look a suspect straight in the eyes.

Suspect?

Did I say suspect? Witness, that’s what I meant. No way you could be a suspect, is there? Not the way you felt about poor old Daph.

And what way was that, Andy?

Best make that Superintendent, just for the record. You loved her, didn’t you?

Loved her? Good God, no! Not in any romantic sense. We were friends, I hope. And I admired her energy, her drive. But as for love…!

You mean you weren’t secretly having a passionate affair then?

No, we weren’t! I can’t imagine who’s been saying these things!

Well, let’s think. That would be…everybody!

Then everybody was wrong. It does happen, you know.

Oh aye? Like in elections your side of the pond, you mean? Whoops, let’s not get political, eh? But you can see how folk got the wrong end of the stick. I mean, I only saw the two of you together a couple of times, and both times she were giving your tonsils the old tongue massage. And then again, when you went to Switzerland on exchange last year, didn’t she straight off book a holiday so she could be on your doorstep? From where I’m sitting, looks like a straight case of love to me.

Not on my side. I can’t answer for what Lady Denham may have felt, but there was no reciprocation, I assure you.

Recipro-what you said. That a trick-cyclist term for shagging?

Don’t pretend to misunderstand my vocabulary, Superintendent. I have read your case notes, remember? I know just how bright you are.

Does that mean I can use you for a reference? All right, no bullshit. Just to get things quite clear, she fancied you, but you didn’t fancy her, right?

Yes, I think that captures the essence.

So all this face sucking, you put up with it for the sake of politeness? Or what?

I certainly didn’t wish to offend her.

Why not? The woman’s stalking you. Why didn’t you wish to offend her?

I think stalking’s putting it a tad high.

Following you halfway across Europe ain’t stalking?

She was on vacation! Our Swiss clinic is located in a very popular winter sports area.

Nay, don’t get your stethoscope in a twist. All right, have it your way. She weren’t stalking you and you weren’t running away from her.

Running away? Who said that?

No one said that. I said you weren’t running away. Man in your job mebbe ought to listen a bit harder. Patient tells you he likes fluffy towels and you hear he likes fucking owls, that could get you into real bother with the GMC. Listen, Lest, let’s play this straight. Poor old Daph’s dead. I want to find out who killed her. You too, right? So cut the crap, let’s talk turkey, no witnesses, no recording, just thee and me, man-to-man.

You’re quite right. Murder’s more important than personal vanity. I’m sorry. Yes, Daphne fancied me; yes, I was happy to encourage her because she was generous in her support of the Avalon; and yes, I probably allowed what to me was merely a flirtatious relationship to go too far. I prided myself that my daily experience dealing with the clinically deluded and deranged meant I could quite easily take care of a fond old lady. I use fond in all its senses. Originally it meant…

No need to explain, Lest. I got a lad working for me who can conjugate and. But you were wrong, right?

Oh yes. I was wrong. I was horrified to discover that her sex drive, far from being in abeyance, was…rampant. And yes, I did run away. Not openly, of course. There were good clinical reasons, my exchange with Dr. Kling of the Davos Avalon was always on the schedule. But deep inside I knew I was running away.

And she followed you.

She brought her niece and nephew out to Davos for a skiing holiday, yes.

How did you feel about that?

Shocked when she turned up at the clinic-a courtesy call, she termed it-but also somewhat reassured that she was still sufficiently in control of herself and sensitive enough to the opinions of others to have cloaked her visit under the guise of a vacation. She was not yet quite Vénus toute entière à sa proie attachée.

She weren’t going to jump you in public, you mean?

That’s it. She was very conscious of herself as Lady Denham of Sandytown Hall, the apex of the social pyramid in this neighborhood. She had needs that age had not diluted, I can confirm that. I suspect she must have satisfied them somehow, but it would be done with the greatest discretion. No, my attraction was social as much as sexual. She didn’t just want to ravish me, she wanted to marry me.

Oh aye. I’ve been there. The ravishing’s not so bad, but bugger the marrying!

That’s not quite how I saw it.

No. I understand. Tell me, Lest, just between mates, you said she had to be getting it somewhere, so what about you? Did you ever, tha knows, give her one?

Please! I really don’t care for the way you phrase that question…

That means tha did! Good for thee, lad! No need to look embarrassed. To them as asks, it ought to be given, at least once. So what happened?

I am not going into details. There was drinking involved. I don’t think my performance matched her expectations. But it didn’t seem to put her off. She still acted as though we had an understanding if not quite a formal engagement.

Expect she felt that once she got you under her wing and med sure you started the day with a proper Yorkshire breakfast, she’d soon bring you up to scratch. In fact, she probably wanted a progress report. How’d you measure up yesterday?

I don’t follow you.

Yesterday, when you banged Daph for the second time. How was it for her?

Now see here, I don’t know what you’re…Wait, I get it. The autopsy indicates sexual activity, right? Dear God, you’re not saying the poor woman was raped?

No, it looks like she did it with someone she wanted to do it with, and that made me think of you.

Well, you can think again. No, categorically. Not me.

No? Oh well, nowt that a DNA test won’t prove. Right, let’s get on to the hog roast, Dr. Feldenhammer.

What happened to Lester?

Nay, that were me being chummy with a witness to get the best out of him. After everything you’ve just told me, the case is altered. Congratulations, sunshine, you’ve got yourself promoted from witness to suspect! Always start off polite and formal with suspects, that’s my way, just in case there’s any complaints later.

Is that so? Then shouldn’t you read me my rights?

What’s them when they’re at home? Listen, lad, we both know if tha starts getting seriously worried, you’ll be waving the star-spangled banner and demanding to see the sodding U.S. ambassador. So just tell me all you can remember about the hog roast.

I’m ahead of you there, Superintendent. Knowing the police would want a statement eventually, and wanting to capture my memories before they began to fade, I wrote this out not long after my return yesterday.

Oh aye. Neatly typed, and not a lot of long words either, by the look of it. Just the job for a country cop. Matter of interest, did you write it before or after Pet called in to see you?

Sorry?

Ms. Sheldon, your chief nurse. She came over from the home after she got back from the hall. I just wondered if you wrote this before or after you had a chat.

Now listen here, Mr. Dalziel, I don’t know what you’re implying…

Implying? You’ve both been to a party where your hostess got lightly grilled over a barbecue-Jesus, even folk in your line of work can’t be so used to cadavers you wouldn’t talk about that!

Yes, of course we talked about it. I think I’d started writing my statement when she turned up, and I finished it later, quite unaltered by anything we may have discussed.

That’s fine then. You didn’t give her a lift to the hog roast? Or her you?

You know I didn’t. Why do you ask?

Seems odd, that’s all. Both invited, coming from the same place, I’d have thought you’d likely have tossed for who was going to drive, who was going to get rat arsed.

Perhaps neither of us looks on such occasions as an opportunity to get rat arsed, as you so elegantly put it.

No? May be wrong, but Pet strikes me as a lass as can sup her yard of ale, and from what you just told me about you and poor old Daph, you’re not averse to tying one on. Mebbe you just didn’t want to be seen arriving with her in case that rattled Daph’s cage. Got to be careful with a possessive personality like Daph’s. But you’d know all about that, you’ve got the certificates.

Interesting speculation, but I’m sorry to say it was just a matter of convenience. In our line of work, we are both always on call and either of us could have been summoned away early.

Fair enough. See much of her at the party?

In fact, yes. We have a lot in common-work and such, you understand. I circulated, the way you do at a party, but once the storm appeared on the horizon and everybody headed into the house, I was happy to find myself with Nurse Sheldon, sheltering in the conservatory. In fact, we were together until we went outside again when the storm passed and they discovered the body.

Great. That’s that sorted then. Wish it were always as easy as this. What about dear old Daph, see much of her as you circulated?

A little. We talked, but only in passing. She was very much the gracious hostess, seeing to the needs of all her guests.

Didn’t see to her own needs, or yours mebbe, a bit more privately, Lest? You know, invite you up to her room? Or mebbe you were a bit bolder, nowt like a good shag out of doors, long as the mercury’s high and the midges aren’t biting.

For God’s sake, I’ve told you already. We did not have sex at the hog roast, indoors or outdoors. What do you think I am?

I’m not sure. A man, certainly. What kind of man, that’s the question. Mebbe I should ask someone who knows you a lot better than me. Nurse Sheldon, for instance.

What the hell does that mean?

It was you who said you’d a lot in common. Makes sense, I’d be surprised if your head nurse didn’t know you inside out. Like I expect, as her employer, you’ll know her inside out. Aye, I daresay the pair of you know each other’s ins and outs very well.

Now listen here, Dalziel, I’m getting just a tad tired of all this innuendo…

Innuendo? That a board game? No, now I recall, it means going round the houses to suggest summat. Nay, I’m sorry if you don’t think I’ve been direct with you. Easily remedied, but. So tell me, Lest, are you and Pet at it?

At it?

Screwing, shagging, jig-a-jigging, making love, having intercourse, exchanging bodily juices-you choose the phrase, then answer the question. Are you at it?

I’ve had enough of this! You may be a policeman, Dalziel, and you may be a patient, but I don’t have to take this kind of prurient crap from you under either hat…

Now ho’d on there! Fair do’s. I ask if you’ve banged old Daph and you answer me sort of embarrassed but polite. Now I ask the same about Pet and you’re all in a lather. Why’s that? Me, I could understand anyone getting annoyed to be asked if they’d banged some woman old enough to be their mother, but not a grand lass like Pet! It’s not this doctor-nurse thing, is it, Lester? Didn’t think you Yanks did snobbery. Shame on you!

Enough! Just two last things I want to say to you, Andy, before I get on with my work. The first is, I don’t need anyone to tell me what a fine woman Pet Sheldon is, especially not in the vulgar provocative tone you have chosen to adopt. Second, from my clinical observation during this so-called interview I’d say that physically your convalescence is progressing very well, but mentally there are many issues still to deal with. Don’t worry. We don’t give up on people at the Avalon. We’ll get there in the end.

Is that right? I’m glad to hear it. Got a lot in common, me and you, Lester. Reckon that will do for now, then. Won’t keep you from your work any longer. Thanks for your time. Oh, just one other thing, you’ll let me know if you’re planning to leave the country in the near future, won’t you? Catch you later, lad. Cheers!

Come on! Come on! Answer…ah, there you are, Pet. It’s Lester. Listen, not a lot of time. Dalziel has just been interviewing me…yes, interviewing, or perhaps interrogating would be a better word. I think he’s on his way to see you now, I thought I should warn you. Don’t be taken in if he tries the patient-flirting-with-nurse approach. He’s very much back in policeman mode. He talks like he knows about you and me, but he’s only guessing. Admit nothing. And remember, after the storm started, we were together till they found the body. Whatever else you do, don’t give an inch on that…yes, I know…yes, yes, it’s going to be okay…we’ll talk after he’s seen you…No, better leave it till our usual pre-rounds consultation…we have to be careful. He may come across as a fat clown, but believe me, this guy is really dangerous…yeah, me too. Take care. ’Bye.

Lester! Sorry to bother you again, but I think I left me file in here. Be forgetting me head if it weren’t screwed on. Age, eh? Pity you buggers couldn’t find a cure for that, other than the obvious one, I mean. Ah, there it is. I’ll leave you in peace now. Cheers, again!