The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women

A Brief Anatomy Lesson

Although anatomy is part of science and medicine, the study of anatomy is less objective than one might think. There are a variety of differing interpretations and opinions about the internal structure of our bodies—especially the nuances and complexities of our sexual anatomy. This is certainly true for anorectal anatomy. The discussion of anatomy and the anatomical illustrations in this book are based on my interpretations of several sources, including medical textbooks, sex manuals, and conversations with sex educators.[13]

The Anus, Anal Sphincters, and PC Muscles

The anus is the external opening of the anal canal. It is comprised of folds of soft, pink tissue that give it a wrinkled or puckered appearance. The area around the opening is full of hair follicles; the hair may be fine and light, coarse and dark, or somewhere in between. Everyone has hair surrounding the anus.

Rich in blood vessels and nerve endings, the tissue of the anus is incredibly sensitive and responsive to touch and stimulation. In fact, it can be one of our most sensual erogenous zones, but it is one too often feared, forgotten, and left unexplored. With regular bathing and personal hygiene, the anus is generally clean, with only trace amounts of feces, which carry bacteria from the bowels.

Two muscles—the anal sphincters—surround the anal opening (see figures 1 and 2). The external sphincter is closest to the opening. With patience and practice, you can voluntarily control the external sphincter, making it tense or relax. The internal sphincter is controlled by the autonomic nervous system, which controls involuntary bodily functions like your breathing rate. This muscle ordinarily reacts reflexively; for example, when you are ready to have a bowel movement, the internal sphincter relaxes, allowing feces to move from the rectum to the anal canal. Because the external and the internal sphincters overlap, they often work together.

Other surrounding muscles also contribute to sensations in the anal area. The perineal muscles support the area between the anus and the genitals. In this group are the pubococcygeus muscles (PC muscles), which support the pelvis from the pubic bone to the tailbone. For both men and women, these muscles contract during sexual arousal and climax; specifically, they usually contract randomly when you are aroused and rhythmically during orgasm.

The more attention you pay to your sphincter muscles, the easier it will be to begin to relax them. Because the two muscles work in tandem, you can encourage the internal sphincter to relax by relaxing the external sphincter. Many people have found that by exercising and strengthening their PC and pelvic muscles, they can have more control of their sphincter muscles and can achieve more intense orgasms.

Exercising Your Pelvic and PC Muscles

The following exercises can help you to become more aware of your sphincter and PC muscles and learn to control and strengthen them. They will help you get in tune with the feelings in your pelvic area, increasing your sensitivity and responsiveness. The exercises will also tone the pelvic muscles, making them more flexible and more receptive to pleasurable sensations; plus, when you exercise the PC muscles, other muscles in the area also are exercised and strengthened.

You can do the exercises lying down, sitting, or standing. As with any exercise regimen, you should do them daily for best results. If your muscles seem tired at first, don’t worry—that’s normal. Use your common sense, and don’t overdo it to begin with. The harder the exercises are to do for you, the less toned your PC muscles are, and the more you need a workout; however, if you experience any pain while doing them, see a doctor. Exercising the PC muscles during masturbation or foreplay increases blood flow in the area, thereby increasing arousal.

Women who regularly exercise their PC and pelvic muscles report some very positive benefits: heightened pelvic sensations and greater anal sensitivity; increased pleasure during clitoral stimulation, and during vaginal and anal penetration; more control over orgasms; and better, more intense orgasms. Some of the following exercises are called Kegel exercises, named for the physician who first studied PC muscles and popularized the theory of exercising them, and others are those recommended by other health care professionals.[15]

Exercise: Your PC Muscles

In order to locate your PC muscles, pretend that you are trying to stop peeing (or while you are peeing, you can actually stop the flow of urine). The muscles you contract to stop the flow are your PC muscles. If you put your finger on your perineum—the area between your vagina and your anus—while you do this exercise, you can feel the contractions.

Take a deep breath and while you inhale, contract the muscles and hold the contraction for a few seconds. Then exhale and relax the muscles. This combination of inhale-contract and exhale-relax is what your body does naturally. For best results, you should do about a hundred repetitions per day.

Take a deep breath and this time while you inhale, tighten and release the muscles repeatedly (about ten times), then exhale and relax. Try to do these contractions as quickly as you can. Twenty to fifty sets a day is recommended.

For this exercise, inhale and pretend you are sucking water inside your vagina and anus. Then exhale and bear down, pushing out that imaginary water. You will exercise your pelvic muscles and your stomach muscles. For best results, do ten to thirty each day. I suggest combining the Kegel exercises with lots of free movement in a variety of settings. The positive effects of this movement will be limited, however, if you hold your pelvis rigid while moving the rest of your body. In fact, habitual, chronic, pelvic “holding on” is one major reason why so many people need Kegel exercises. Holding the pelvis requires muscular tension which re stricts movement. Restricted movement allows muscles to deteriorate.[16]

Renowned anal health expert Jack Morin recommends moving your body while you do your pelvic exercises:

Try combining the exercises with walking, running, dancing, or simulating a hula-hoop motion.

The Anal Canal and the Rectum

The anus is the opening to another responsive site of pleasure—the anal canal. The anal canal is about one to two inches long and leads into the rectum. The same soft tissue that makes up the anus comprises the anal canal, so it is very sensitive to touch and stimulation. The walls of the anal canal are comprised of tissue that, like that of the clitoris and penis, becomes engorged from increased blood flow during arousal.

When the sphincter muscles are relaxed, these folds of tissue give the anal canal a tremendous ability to expand. If the sphincter muscles are not relaxed, and the anus is tense, penetration is possible only with force, causing tearing of the tissue and pain.

Beyond the anal canal is the rectum, which is about five inches long; the rectum is made up of loose folds of soft, smooth tissue. It, too, has a large capacity for expanding; plus it is wider than the anal canal. The recturn is tubular and curves gently (see figure 2). The lower part of the rectum curves toward your navel. After a few inches, the rectum curves back toward your spine. After another inch or so, the rectum becomes the sigmoid colon, which curves toward your navel. The rectum and colon both curve laterally (from side to side) as well; whether to the right or the left will vary from person to person. These curves are part of the reason that slowness and patience are key to pleasurable anal penetration. Each person’s rectum and its curves are unique, and it is best to feel your way inside the rectum slowly, following its curves, rather than jamming anything straight inside.

Men’s and women’s anal anatomy is very similar, but there are some important differences (see figure 3).

The G-spot (or urethral sponge) is a raised area of tissue wrapped around the urethra in women. The urethral sponge can be found in the front wall of the vagina, and many women enjoy having it stimulated. It is most easily found and stimulated during rear-entry vaginal penetration; some women experience G-spot stimulation during anal penetration as well.

Men can experience stimulation of the prostate gland when they are anally penetrated. The prostate gland, which surrounds the urethra, is below the bladder and above the base of the penis. You can find it a few inches into the anal canal and toward the navel. This is the gland that produces semen, and it can be a big source of pleasure for men when they receive anal penetration. It is very sensitive to massage, and most men Figure 3: Male Anatomy prefer gentle rubbing; any jerky movement or poking can be very uncomfortable.

Always remember that each person’s G-spot or prostate gland is unique—some people may enjoy this stimulation and others may not.

Before you experiment with anal stimulation or penetration, it is important to begin with anal exploration. In other words, you need to get more acquainted with your anus. This is not just an exercise for beginners. Most of us—even the most experienced anal sex experts—don’t ever take the time to look at our own anuses.

Exercise: Take a Good Look

Get a hand-held mirror and find a suitable, well-lit place. First, take some deep breaths for several minutes to relax. Perhaps, lie down on the bed, play some soothing music, or light some incense. These are simply suggestions—do whatever things will relax you. Once you feel relaxed and ready to explore, find a comfortable position, one where you’ll be able to stay for a while and where you’ll have a good view of your butt. Begin by looking at your anus. Just check it out—the shape, the size, the color. How does it look? Relaxed, tense, somewhere in between? Gently massage your buttocks, inner thighs, and the area around your anus. Continue to massage, stroke, and explore the area, going at your own pace. Note how the opening responds to the massage around it. When you feel comfortable, gently touch your anus. Don’t penetrate it, just do some external touching. Tune into the sensations you feel, both in your anus and in the rest of your body. Keep touching, but just touching—no penetration of any kind yet—and when you feel like stopping, stop. Some people may like to write down some thoughts in a journal about the experience to refer to later.

Basic Preparations

The following are some basic preparations for having safe and pleasurable anal sex. (I will discuss more about safer sex as it pertains to STDs and HIV/AIDS in chapters 4 and 11.)

The tissue of the anus, anal canal, and rectum is very delicate, much more delicate than the tissue of the vagina. In order to make stimulation and penetration comfortable for yourself and your partner, make sure your nails are short and filed smooth, with no jagged or sharp edges. Even if you plan to wear latex gloves—and you should—it’s a good idea to make sure those nails don’t become daggers cloaked in latex inside your partner’s ass (or your own!). Short, smooth nails will help prevent small tears in the anal tissue, which can cause irritation and discomfort during anal play and bowel movements.

Anything you plan to put in an anus should be cleaned beforehand. Your hands, and, if applicable, your partner’s hands or penis should be thoroughly washed in hot water and a good antibacterial soap. Toys like butt plugs and dildos should also be cleaned with hot water and soap; in addition, you should soak toys for about fifteen minutes to disinfect them with either povidone iodine (Betadine), hydrogen peroxide (full strength), bleach (diluted: one part bleach, ten parts water), or a sex toy cleaner you can purchase where sex toys are sold. Alternatively (or in addition), you can put a new condom on each toy (including your partner’s penis) before using it and a new latex glove on your hand, which can be discarded after each use. Using latex not only ensures that everything is safe and clean for sex play but also makes for easier cleanup during and after sex. (For more about latex and condoms, see the “Latex” section in chapter 4.)

One very important thing to remember is that once anything—a finger, a toy, a penis—has been in the anus, it must be thoroughly washed or covered with a new condom or latex glove before it goes anywhere near the vagina. Putting something in an ass and then transferring it directly to the vagina is a perfect route to vaginal infections, including yeast infections, urinary tract infections, and other bacterial baddies. So, please, just don’t go there before getting clean! In addition, sex researchers Masters and Johnson report that washing the penis may not be enough to prevent gastrointestinal bacteria from the rectum from transferring to the vagina because “there may be bacteria scooped inside the urethra which escape the cleansing action of soap and water.”[19] Another smart reason to use a new condom for each new journey—and for both women and men to urinate after any penetrative sex.

The best way to have a happy and healthy rectum is to make sure you eat enough fiber; if, however, your butt is feeling under the weather, it’s a good idea to postpone anal erotic activity until things are back to normal. It’s ideal to have a bowel movement before you plan to have anal sex of any kind, because empty bowels tend to make anal erotic experiences more comfortable for everyone. Feces are stored in the colon. They pass into the rectum when the body prepares for a bowel movement. If you have a bowel movement shortly after you feel the urge, feces pass through the rectum and anal canal and out of your body. (Many people cannot or do not go to the bathroom at that moment and instead “hold it in.” In this case, feces then remain in the rectum.) After a bowel movement, there is normally only a trace amount of fecal matter in the anal canal and rectum; however, if you have a poor diet, recurring constipation, diarrhea, or other intestinal disorders, there may be more fecal matter present than usual. In any case, remember that even the healthiest rectum contains some fecal matter, which carries bacteria from the colon—E. coli bacteria, as well as hepatitis A, parasites, amoebas, or viruses that may be present.

Some people like to take a shower or bath before sex to clean the anal area. I know a warm, soapy shower reassures me that my ass is clean for my partner’s tongue, fingers, penis, or toys and makes me less self-conscious about having anal sex. You may also want to have an enema, although enemas are not necessary for having safe, fun, and relatively clean anal sex. (Read more about enemas in chapter 5.)

Relaxation

It is so important for both partners to be relaxed in order to have healthy, sensuous anal sex. Remember that you can relax all the muscle groups in the anal area, and when they’re not relaxed, anal sex—in fact, any anal activity, including a bowel movement—can be uncomfortable, if not downright painful. Fear, stress, and tension can all be felt intensely in your ass. When your mind and body are relaxed, focused on pleasure, and ready to experience anal eroticism, the encounter will be that much more satisfying. I recommend a lot of touching, caressing, massaging, kissing, and sweet-talking leading up to anal sex. Get rid of all external distractions and set the stage: shut off the ringer on the phone, put on some sexy music, light some candles, make the bed with special sheets, wear something sexy. Do whatever it takes to put you and your partner in the mood. Then take your time. I find that extensive touching of the entire body, touching that’s not necessarily sexual or genitally focused, is a great way to relax both body and mind and really prepares you to hone in on all your senses. A warm bubble bath is also a good way to relax the body, get in the mood, and get your bottom nice and clean for that special someone.

Safety First

Let me define some of the terms I will use throughout this book in discussing safer sex:

You may be monogamous with your partner. You have committed to be each other’s sole sexual partner. You’ve been tested for HIV and STDs, and you do not necessarily use latex barriers or follow safer sex guidelines.

Or, you may be in a fluid-bonded, nonmonogamous relationship. You have committed to practice safer sex with any sexual contacts other than your partner. You’ve been tested for HIV and STDs. When you have sex with each other, you do not normally use latex barriers or condoms, and you do come into contact with each other’s bodily fluids. When you have sex with others, you always practice safer sex.

You may be nonmonogamous. You may have multiple partners with whom you may (or may not) enter into relationships. Regardless of whether you have one partner or many, if you have not been tested recently for all STDs, do not know your partners’ sexual histories and practices and your partners’ partners’ sexual histories and practices, do not know your HIV status, or do not know your partners’ HIV status, you should follow safer sex guidelines designed to prevent transmission of HIV and other diseases.

Naturally, if you have an STD or HIV, you will want to follow safer sex guidelines at all times.

Unless you are monogamous or fluid-bonded, your sexual repertoire should involve safer sex practices to prevent sexually transmitted diseases and HIV/AIDS—anal sex is no exception to this rule. In fact, because of the delicacy of anal and rectal tissue, bodily fluids infected with HIV and other viruses are transmitted and absorbed easily and quickly into the bloodstream through the mucous membrane of the rectum. Thus, unprotected anal intercourse can be more risky for both partners than unprotected vaginal intercourse.

For those of you in monogamous or fluid-bonded relationships, The American Medical Women’s Association recommends that before safer sex precautions are discontinued, both you and your partner be tested for HIV three to six months after either of you has had sexual contact with another partner.[20] If you and your partner are monogamous or fluid-bonded and have both tested negative for all STDs and HIV, you can still utilize safer sex practices for anal sex. As you’ll read in chapter 4, latex barriers and lubricants help prevent not only the spread of STDs and HIV but also the spread of bacteria from the bowels. In general, latex and lubricants make anal play easier in lots of different ways.

If you are nonmonogamous or do not know your HIV or STD status (or your partner’s) you should practice safer sex, using condoms and latex gloves for anal sex—and for all sexual activities in which you may come into contact with your partner’s bodily fluids—to prevent the transmission of STDs and HIV.

Nonoxynol-9, which is found in some lubricants and some lubricated condoms, is a chemical proven to kill HIV (the virus that causes AIDS) and other STD viruses in laboratory tests. Although it is widely recommended that nonoxynol-9 be used during vaginal intercourse, many women find that they are allergic to nonoxynol-9; it irritates their vaginas and causes vaginal infections. There are differing opinions about its use for anal intercourse.

There is not enough research on the effects of nonoxynol-9 on rectal tissue or for anal sex, and my research illustrates the multiple opinions about it.

The Women’s HIV Source Book and The American Medical Women’s Association Guide to Sexuality recommend that you always use nonoxynol-9 for intercourse; however, neither book indicates any specifics for vaginal versus anal penetration.[21] The Kinsey Institute New Report on Sex does advocate the use of nonoxynol-9 in anal intercourse and has no discussion of possible risks or side effects!

The New Good Vibrations Guide to Sex as well as a supervisor I interviewed at San Francisco Sex Information both recommend that you not use nonoxynol-9 for anal intercourse because of the delicacy of the rectal tissue.[22] These sources agree with the many people who believe that nonoxynol-9 may be too harsh and irritating for the delicate tissue of the anal canal and rectum. Because it’s likely to irritate or traumatize the rectal tissue, it may actually make transmission of HIV faster and easier, providing the virus with an accessible route to the bloodstream.[23]

If you are using your fingers or a sex toy for penetration and make sure to use a new glove or condom each time, using a lubricant without nonoxynol-9 is pretty safe. If, however, your partner is a man and you want him to penetrate you with his penis, I recommend using a condom and plenty of lube and having your partner withdraw before ejaculation. That way, if the condom breaks or leaks and you don’t have nonoxynol-9 as a backup, semen (which could be infected) will be outside your body instead of inside your delicate rectum.[24] The Complete Guide to Safer Sex from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality offers another tip:

Unless you are monogamous or fluid-bonded, your male partner should always wear a condom for penis-anus penetration. (Read more about latex, lube, and safer sex in chapter 4).

A note about having anal sex while you are pregnant. Dr. Ruth Westheimer points out that some men think that having vaginal intercourse during pregnancy will somehow hurt the baby, so they suggest anal intercourse.[26] It is safe to have anal sex if you are pregnant, although some women find that they cannot get in a comfortable position for anal stimulation. Pregnant women should also be extra careful to prevent the spread of bacteria from the anus and rectum to the vagina, since vaginal infections during pregnancy can be both harder to treat and more serious.