The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women

There are plenty of toys and other tools you can use to enhance anal pleasure. Many products are designed and marketed especially for anal sex, and others used for vaginal stimulation and penetration can also be used anally (see figure 4). When choosing a toy, you should decide on what sensation you’d like to experience: Do you want something in your ass for a “full” feeling? Do you want in-out fucking similar to vaginal intercourse? Do you want what’s in your ass to move or vibrate? As a general rule, all the toys discussed in this chapter should be used with lubricant and latex, which is why these are the two tools covered first. In addition to patience, relaxation, and trust, latex and lube are the most important ingredients for making anal play safe and pleasurable.

Latex

Whether it’s a tongue, a finger, a penis, or a dildo, slipping it into its own little latex outfit is always a good idea prior to an anal journey; latex makes anal sex both safer and more pleasurable. Even though too many popular safer sex guidelines for women focus only on vaginal contact, the standards for safer vaginal sex also apply to safer anal sex. If you’re going to have oral-anal contact, a square piece of latex called a dental dam or a condom cut lengthwise provides a safe barrier between partners. A tip to make rimming with latex more pleasurable: use a dab of lubricant on the side facing the anus for added sensitivity.

Remember that anal and rectal tissue is very delicate and much easier to irritate and abrade than the tissue of the vaginal walls. For finger-anus penetration, the penetrator should wear either a finger cot or a latex glove and use plenty of lubricant; a stray jagged nail not properly trimmed and filed can do more damage in an anus than you might think.

As in vaginal intercourse, condoms are key to preventing the transmission of STDs and HIV during anal intercourse. Although anal sex involving a penis won’t lead to pregnancy, it is much easier to transmit a sexually transmitted disease, especially HIV, during penis-anus intercourse, because tears in rectal tissue give semen (and whatever the semen may be carrying) direct access to the bloodstream.

Recently, a condom for women called the Reality™ Female Condom has become available (see figure 5). Marketed primarily for vaginal intercourse, the female condom is a tube of polyurethane closed at one end and open at the other, like a larger version of the male condom. Although some women find them cumbersome, others say it gives them a sense of control and responsibility in the practice of safer sex.

The female condom can also be used for anal intercourse, and, in fact, it offers more protection because it lines the anal cavity, covering the penis and the outer area of the anus. Some people also use the female condom for anal-oral contact, although its effectiveness for analingus has not been scientifically tested or proven. You should not use it for anal fisting. The female condom can be slipped into the anus any time before penetration.

Before insertion, lubricate the outside of the condom, and make sure that the lubrication is evenly spread by rubbing the sides of the pouch together. To insert it, squeeze the sheath, and, starting with the inner ring, slip it into the anus. Make sure that the inner ring is at the closed end of the pouch. Once it is inside, push it the rest of the way with your finger past the sphincter muscles. About an inch of the condom should hang outside the anus, so the outer ring doesn’t slip inside during the action.

During penetration, the condom may move around, either side to side or up and down. This is normal. However, if your partner’s penis or dildo is long or thrusts deeply, the condom could slip all the way into the anus. If your partner withdraws completely in between thrusts, she or he could slip back inside your anus—but outside the protection of the condom. If it does, stop and adjust it. Like everything else, using the female condom takes practice and patience. To take the condom out, squeeze and twist the outer ring (to keep fluid inside the pouch) and pull it out slowly and gently. Don’t flush the Reality™ Female Condom in the toilet—throw it away.[32]

Latex in combination with a lubricant makes penetration smoother and easier for both partners, especially for the person on the receiving end of penetration; of course, the smoother things go, the more pleasurable the experience is for both partners. And, for the person on the giving end who may be squeamish about running into some fecal matter while inside her or his partner’s rectum, dental dams and condoms provide a good barrier.

Putting a latex glove on your hand and a condom on whatever tools you play with also keeps your hand and tools clean. You should never, ever put anything in the vagina that has been in the anus without thoroughly washing and disinfecting it first. Transferring rectal bacteria into the vagina can lead to yeast infections, urinary tract infections, and other ailments that will put a halt to your sex life. Just don’t go there.

If you’re likely to want to use the same hand or tool in both the vagina and the anus, or your anus and then your partner’s, you can avoid a lot of running to the bathroom to wash up each time you want to switch gears by using a new glove or condom each time you switch orifices or activities. Some people like to practice “double-gloving,” wearing two gloves; when they are finished with one orifice, they can simply peel off the top glove to reveal a fresh one underneath for the next orifice with no break in the action.

A few tips on using condoms correctly (also see figure 6): y Latex condoms are safer, more effective barriers than animal skin or “natural” condoms.

• Don’t use condoms that are ribbed or textured for anal sex; they may cause irritation or abrasions to the rectal tissue.

• Store condoms in a cool, dry place away from sun-light.

• If you use a condom with a receptacle tip, gently press the air out of the closed end before putting it on. Air bubbles rupture condoms. If you use a condom with a plain end, leave about an inch of air-free space at the tip of the condom; semen needs somewhere to go and ejaculation without that space can cause a condom to break.

• Putting a small amount of lube on the inside tip of the condom will reduce air bubbles and increase sensitivity. (Lube with nonoxynol-9 on the inside of a condom will also give you an extra measure of safety.)

• Don’t reuse condoms.

• Hold onto the base of the condom when necessary, and especially during withdrawal, so it doesn’t slip off.[33]

• Make sure condoms aren’t old—check the expiration date.

Lubricants

Before I slide down this particular pole, let me reveal a bias: I am a firm believer that lube makes any sexual activity much more pleasurable. The wetter and slipperier everything is, the better. But lubricant is not just desirable; it’s essential to any anal penetration. Unlike the vagina, the anus and rectum are not self-lubricating. During anal exploration of yourself or a partner, you might find that the anus feels wet. What you’re feeling is a natural mucous secretion from the anal canal and maybe some sweat—but neither this nor spit provides enough wetness to do the trick. Beyond sneaking a finger a millimeter inside someone’s ass, YOU NEED LUBE.

Besides, you’re already using latex and don’t want it to break or tear. Nonlubricated penetration causes friction and is likely to wreak havoc on both latex and the thin, delicate anal tissue. Lube makes entry smoother and easier for both partners reducing the chance of tearing, discomfort, or pain. When the person being penetrated is comfortable, she or he can relax more easily and usually have longer, more pleasurable anal sessions.

There are many different varieties of lubricants on the market, with the widest selections at adult bookstores, sex toy shops, and mail-order catalogs. You can also check out the major drug stores. The best thing to do is to buy some sample sizes of a few different brands and experiment with them to see what’s right for you and your partner. Here’s a description of some of the different types of lubes:

These slick, wet lubes are nonirritating, nonstaining, odorless, and tasteless; they are very popular for vaginal sex because they have a very similar consistency to natural vaginal secretions and are easy to wash off toys and bodies. These lubes are thin and liquidy, and a little amount tends to go a long way. Some people complain that water-based lubes dry up fast, but you can simply add a little water or saliva to revive their powers. Most of these lubes can be found in sex toy stores and catalogs, and a few, like AstroGlide and K-Y’s new liquid lube, often pop up at the chain drug stores. Examples: AstroGlide, Wet Light, Aqua Lube, Slippery Stuff, Probe Silky Light, Eros Bodyglide, KY Liquid.

These lubes have the same properties and advantages as their thinner counterparts. The only difference is in their consistency; they tend to feel more like hair gel or jelly. Many people like to use these thicker lubes for anal play because they provide extensive lubrication and tend to dry up less quickly than watery varieties. Examples: KY Jelly, Probe, ForPlay, Embrace, Elbow Grease, Wet, I-D.

Crisco isn’t just for baking cookies. Crisco is a longtime favorite lubricant of gay and bisexual men (and some women) who practice anal fisting. It’s inexpensive, readily available at your local supermarket, and, since it’s vegetable shortening, it naturally flushes out of the rectum. Oil-based lubes don’t evaporate and dry up the way water-based lubes do. The most important thing to know about oil-based lubes is that they break down latex and can eventually create very small holes in your latex condoms, gloves, and dental dams, rendering them ineffective as barriers. Never use oil-based lubes with condoms worn by a male partner; if you use an oil-based lube with a condom over a toy, you still need to clean and disinfect the toy before and after play, because pinprick holes can allow body fluids to pass through the latex onto the toy. Latex gloves are usually thicker than condoms and break down less quickly in the presence of oil-based lubes; I recommend that if you use oil-based lubes with gloves, you change into a fresh glove every fifteen to twenty minutes. Even better, reserve their use for anal play by yourself or with a monogamous or fluid-bonded partner. Oil-based lubricants are harder to wash out of the body, and they should never be used in or around the vagina. They provide an opportune environment for bacteria and viruses to grow and thrive there.[34] Examples: Crisco, Vaseline, baby oil.

Butt Plugs

Made of silicone, latex, or vinyl, butt plugs come in many different sizes, but they all have a similar shape with slight variations: they are usually narrowest at the top, thickest in the middle, and narrow at the base, which is flared. Some are diamond shaped, others are rippled with segments going from small to large. The great thing about butt plugs is that they were made for your butt. The flared base ensures that a plug won’t get “lost” or go too far inside the rectum.

Butt plugs can be inserted in the anus and worn for a period of time. Because of their shape, they are designed to stay in place rather than be pushed in and out as the sphincter muscles close around the narrow bottom. They give your ass a feeling of fullness. Butt plugs provide a great way to get your ass used to having something in it; the longer the plug stays in, the more the anal muscles tend to relax and open up. Using a series of different sizes of plugs can help you work up to having something larger in your anus, like a dildo or penis. Some people like to have a plug inside their anus while their partner stimulates their genitals or other areas of the body. There are harnesses on the market that help keep plugs in place so you can actually “wear” one for an extended amount of time. If your partner loves having her nipples sucked while her ass is fucked, or if you want to concentrate on sucking his penis and he wants something up his butt, you could feel like you’re playing Twister. A butt plug is a great solution!

You may purchase the smallest plug available in order to be realistic and then find it’s too small. I’ve heard plenty of stories from women who insert a slim plug only to have it slip out—or even shoot out across the room—at a crucial moment.

If this happens to you, you don’t necessarily have to run back to the store for a bigger one. If you’ve been doing your pelvic muscle exercises, your sphincter muscles should be strong enough to hold the plug in. (In fact, your partner “making” you hold a plug inside your ass can be a fun and sexy exercise itself.) Many of us can contract our muscles around the plug and grip it. Others may want to start with a slimmer size to warm up, then find a medium-sized one for extended plug play.

Vibrators

For people who like stimulation of those fabulous nerve endings in the anal area, vibrators can really do the trick. There are vibrators made especially for external stimulation of the genital area that work for stimulation of the clitoris, vaginal area, and anal area; there are also two-pronged vibrators for simultaneous clitoral and anal stimulation. You can buy vibrating butt plugs, which add vibration to all the other features discussed in the previous section, as well as various attachments and sleeves that fit on standard-size vibrators to transform them into anal toys. Vibrators are also great for anal penetration, and vibration can actually relax the anal sphincters. Just make sure that the vibrator is long enough for penetration—over seven inches—and has a flared base. Some men especially enjoy being anally penetrated with a vibrator since vibrators are great for stimulating the prostate gland.

Dildos

Dildos come in so many different shapes and sizes that there is one for practically every individual taste, need, and desire. There are dildos that look like penises (with balls and realistic-looking heads), dildos that look like torpedoes, and even dildos that look like dolphins. Dildos are made of silicone, latex, or vinyl. Silicone toys tend to be more flexible, smooth, and nonporous, so they’re easy to clean. Latex or vinyl is less resilient than silicone but still relatively nonporous. Jellylike dildos (and butt plugs) are very porous and should always be used with a condom. Dildos that curve up from the base (instead of being straight) are often better suited to anal intercourse because they nicely mirror the curve of the rectum. Dildos are the best tools for in-and-out penetration.

For a woman who wants to experience anal penetration with a male partner whose penis is either too big or too long for comfort, dildos provide a great alternative. (A less common scenario is a woman whose partner’s penis is not big enough, in which case a dildo can give a girl what she needs). Likewise, for a man who likes to be penetrated by something other than his female partner’s fingers, or who wants to experience “being fucked up the ass with a cock,” a woman can strap a dildo between her legs and satisfy that desire.

Many women who have sex with other women also like to use dildos to penetrate their partners. Women can experiment with a variety of sizes to find which one is most comfortable. Dildos can give that full feeling as well as satisfy the craving to fuck and be fucked.

Some people like to penetrate their partner with a dildo held in their hand; this tends to give the active partner more control of the dildo and its movement. Others opt to wear a dildo in a harness and have their hands free for other activities. Most harnesses are designed to have the dildo rest in place between one’s legs. While lots of women love to fuck this way, a word to novices: like just about everything else, it takes practice. So, for all you guys out there who are thrilled at the idea of a girl with a dick doing you, have some patience while she practices her technique; remember the first time you used that tool of yours, and give her a break while she figures hers out. And for all women fucking with dildos, make sure you talk to your partner, ask what she or he likes, and try different positions to see what works best for both of you. There is also a harness on the market that you strap to your thigh; many women find the thigh harness a great alternative, giving them better flexibility and control of a dildo. The thigh harness is also a way to rectify a significant difference in height or size between two partners.

Anal Beads

Anal beads are latex or plastic beads on a string made of nylon (or sometimes cotton) with a ring on the end. The beads can be the size of marbles all the way up to the size of golf balls. The most popular beads are usually one-half to one inch in diameter. Regardless of their size, make sure the balls are clean, smooth (file the edges if they’re not), and well-lubricated and that the string is at least seven inches long. You can also put a condom over the beads and knot the open end of the condom. Cotton strings are much harder to keep clean than nylon; likewise, beads made of soft rubber or jelly rubber are very porous and difficult to disinfect. So most people will want to make sure they get nylon strings and latex beads, or definitely use a condom every time.

Many people like to insert the beads in the rectum while having their genitals stimulated. You should insert one bead at a time, giving the rectum a chance to adjust to the sensation; plus, it can be quite intense to feel the anus contract around each bead. If you’ve been practicing your Kegel and pelvic exercises, you’ll be more aware of these contractions and even be able to control them voluntarily. Some people like to feed the balls inside and then pull them out just as they are climaxing; others like to climax with the beads in and then remove them. Remember to withdraw the beads slowly and gently—pulling the entire string of beads out in one motion too quickly could be uncomfortable.

One final reminder on the subject of beads and balls: you should never put any round objects—marbles, super balls, ping-pong balls, golf balls, ben-wa balls, or any other kind of balls—in your rectum. Besides irritating your rectal tissue, they can also become irretrievable without a speedy trip to the emergency room. Use only beads that are on a string and designed for anal play.

Tips

If you are considering putting something in your anus or someone else’s, make sure you use common sense. For best results, make sure the tools and toys you use for anal sex are

• Smooth: Never put any sharp object or anything with rough or jagged edges in the rectum. Never put anything glass or breakable in the anus. Even objects made for anal penetration must be smooth; you can file rough edges on dildos or plugs with a regular nail file, and for added smoothness, use a condom.

• Flexible: Make sure that your tool is flexible enough to maneuver those curves in the rectum. Very hard, rigid things (like candles or metal or wooden objects) are not a good idea to insert in your rectum.

• Clean: Make sure that all tools are cleaned with sex toy cleaner or antibacterial soap and hot water; alternatively, you can put a new condom on each tool before using it. Soak toys for about fifteen minutes to disinfect them with Betadine, hydrogen peroxide (full strength), diluted bleach (one part bleach, ten parts water), or a sex toy cleaner.

• Retrievable: Never put anything in a rectum that may get “lost” or will be difficult to retrieve. Make sure plugs have flared bases and that dildos and vibrators are long enough so that the person using them has a good grip.

• Realistic: It’s not a good idea to put something of an unrealistic width, length, shape, or size in someone else’s or your own anus. Be sensible.

EXERCISE: Window Shopping

It may be helpful for you to get a look at all the toys covered in this chapter in the flesh (so to speak). The exact execution of this exercise depends on where you live. If you live in a town with a sex toy store, a condom store (like Condomania), an adult novelty shop, or an adult video store that carries sex toys, make a date with yourself to go and spend a little time there.

Just look at what’s available—the different kinds of lubricants, condoms, latex gloves, and so on. If you’re interested in exploring anal penetration, peruse the butt plugs, vibrators, anal beads, dildos, and harnesses. If you don’t live near such a store, order a mail-order catalog and do a little “window shopping.” Some mail-order sources for sex toys have elaborate Web sites, with color images of products and detailed product descriptions. The Shopping Guide (see Resources at the end of this book) lists retailers throughout the United States and Canada who carry a full line of anal toys and sex supplies. Some of these especially cater to women.