The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women

In addition to taking care of our bodies in preparation for and during anal sex, we also have to take care of other aspects of ourselves. Our emotional, psychological, and spiritual well-being play a major role in our erotic experiences, and our experiences of anal sexuality are no exception.

Desire

In her positive and sexy video about anal eroticism, sex educator/porn star Nina Hartley makes this important point from the beginning: you’ve got to want it. There really is no faking it in anal sex. Your body, mind, and psyche all must be in agreement that you want to have anal sex. Don’t have anal sex because you think it’s what your partner wants. Or because your partner is pressuring you to do it. Or because you’re afraid that you won’t be a desirable lover if you don’t do it. Take responsibility for your erotic likes and dislikes—figure out what they are and then communicate them to your partner.

Communication

Communication is a key component before, during, and after anal sex. It’s a good idea to talk to your partner about anal eroticism, sharing your desires and fantasies as well as your fears, before you go knocking on that back door. In fact, I think it’s best if you discuss it with your partner in a nonsexual setting, rather than right before you’re about to delve into anal erotic play. When bringing up the subject, you might test the waters in a playful, positive way; see what your partner thinks about the subject in general, then about you doing it in particular.

Fear

People have a lot of fears and negative feelings about anal eroticism. Some of these feelings stem from our society’s myths and taboos about anal sex. Myths about anal sex being unnatural, perverted, dirty, painful, and dangerous have become very real fears in people’s minds. It is important to realize that we are all made aware of the anal taboo and myths starting in childhood and therefore we are all affected in some way by them.

While most of these fears have their roots in myths and misconceptions about anal sex, it is important to respect and validate your partner when she or he shares her or his fears. Talk with your partner about fears you both have, and review the chapter on myths, dispelling the misinformation and replacing it with correct information. Reassure each other that either one of you can stop activity at any time and be fully supported by the other one. Set concrete ground rules and boundaries about what is okay and what isn’t; as experiences progress, the boundaries can change if needed. Each person needs to know that she or he will be safe from both pain and disease during anal sex and that there is mutual trust and respect.

Fear and tension that are not articulated and resolved will ultimately be felt in your anus, which will be tense and unwilling. Nina Hartley reminds us, “Of all the parts of your body, nothing knows a liar like your anus. So if your mind is saying ‘Yes! Yes!’ and your heart is saying ‘No! No!’ your anus will always listen to your heart.”[29]

Expectations, Needs, and Fantasies

Having an open, honest discussion can help illuminate what each person wants from the experience and why, so both people are less likely to make incorrect assumptions about the other person’s desires and expectations. You can ask each other, What do you want? What do you expect? What are your needs?

What have your previous experiences been with anal eroticism? Share them, discuss them. Why do you want to explore anal sensuality?

Fantasies can be incredibly powerful forces in our lives, erotic and otherwise. Many people fantasize about erotic activities like anal sex but are afraid to vocalize their desires. The myths and misinformation about anal sex contribute to the silence and sometimes prevent us from satisfying our curiosities. Sharing our sexual fantasies with a partner can deepen a sexual relationship and help us communicate our needs and desires.

It is equally important to distinguish our fantasies from our realities. If your favorite masturbatory fantasy involves someone ramming your butt repeatedly with a swollen silicone dick that makes you come every time, don’t be surprised if you don’t get the same result when you try it out. There are some fantasies that we can share and help bring to life and others that should probably remain fantasies. Have realistic expectations for yourself and know the limits of your own body, especially when it comes to anal sex. One finger in your anus and a whisper in your ear about that big dick might just do the trick.

During the experience, talk to each other, find out what feels good and what doesn’t, what’s working and what’s not.

Afterward, have a little debriefing session to review how it went and get feedback you can use for next time. Remind each other about goals you set. Did I go too fast, did I use enough lube? Was there enough in-and-out movement, or do you want more of just that pressure feeling? What did you like about my fingers versus the butt plug? Is there something I can do differently next time? Do you want more genital stimulation while I’m playing with your butt? Compliments always feel good—criticism does not. Be generous when you communicate with your partner. If you want to tell her or him about something you didn’t like, why not start that conversation with something you did like? But make sure you do talk about what wasn’t pleasurable as well as what was pleasurable. Communication at all phases of an anal sex experience will ultimately help both partners to articulate their needs, and, ideally, help everyone get what they want out of anal sex.

Patience

Patience is crucial. Everyone must go at their own pace for anal sex to be pleasurable. When both partners are patient, it’s much easier for both, especially the receptive partner, to relax. Anal sex is also a gradual process of exploration. Unlike in those hot anal sex porn videos some of us love to watch, you really can’t jump right from kissing to having a hard cock—flesh or silicone—in your ass. Remember, those are professional actors in the videos. Keep in mind that they have had extensive experience with anal penetration, and they, too, start with a few fingers or a small butt plug before that dick just slides right in. Even in amateur videos, as well as in the more professional ones, the actors’ preparation is happening off camera or ends up on the editor’s cutting room floor. In real life and real time, we progress to anal penetration. Anal sex is not a choice activity for a night when you just want a quickie, or someone has somewhere to be. If you are nervous, anxious, or stressed out about anal sex, sex in general, or the presentation you’re giving tomorrow at work, it’s probably not the best time to experience anal eroticism.

Presence

Speaking of communication and patience, it’s best to be sober if you’re going to engage in anal play—although I’m not going to preach about it or deny that people combine alcohol and drugs and pleasurable anal sex.

Many people find that drugs, especially volatile nitrites (“poppers”) help them relax during anal intercourse. Inhaling volatile nitrites, such as amyl-nitrite and isobutyl, causes your blood vessels to dilate and your blood pressure to drop and gives you a “rush” feeling as your body tries to stabilize itself.

I believe that with proper relaxation, communication, trust, and desire, people can experience pleasurable anal intercourse without drugs; ultimately, alcohol and drugs of any kind alter your awareness of your body, an awareness you absolutely must have to enjoy anal sex. People are more likely to ignore their anal boundaries—both physical and mental—if their judgment is impaired by alcohol and drugs. Anal sex requires both partners to have patience, skill, good communication, and coordination. The insertive partner needs to be keenly aware, intuitive, and able to read her or his partner’s body language and nonverbal cues. The receiver needs to be in touch with his or her body to know what feels good and what doesn’t. I believe that all this is more easily achieved when both people are sober.

Trust and Power

A sexual interaction like anal sex, in which one person gives their body over to another, can raise deep issues of power and trust. The power dynamics can be especially magnified during anal sex because it is such a forbidden act and because of the physical delicacy of the anus and rectum. Anal sex can be very charged, intense, and emotional:

It’s important for partners to be able to discuss their feelings openly, feel safe, and trust one another. The person receiving anal penetration can feel especially vulnerable, both physically and emotionally, and the partner giving anal pleasure must respect the receiver’s wishes, needs, and limits. The giver may fear that she or he will hurt the receiving partner and needs to be reassured that everyone is dedicated to making it not hurt.

Again, communication and ground rules can help alleviate tension and reassure both people that it will be a pain-free, safe experience.

The intimacy, intensity, and ecstasy of anal pleasure can sometimes be overwhelming, but it can also be very special and extremely satisfying.

The person I’ve “given” to had never given or received ever before herself… It was new and exciting for her, and it showed that she trusted me and cared about me enough to try it… She knew it was something I enjoyed, and she let me share it with her.