You Against Me

Fifteen

Tom stopped the car before the bridge, switched the engine off and turned to Ellie.

‘I’m not allowed any closer than this,’ he said.

She looked down at her lap, at her fingers gripping the strap of her bag.

He said, ‘I had a word with James and Freddie. They’ve got brothers at the school, and they’ll be straight in there if anyone gives you trouble today.’

Random boys acting as bodyguards would only get her noticed more. What she really needed was for everyone to stop taking any notice of her whatsoever, then her life could go back to how it used to be.

‘I’m sorry Dad gave you grief,’ Tom said. ‘He came down way too hard.’

It was true, he had. On and on about the shame she’d brought on the family by fighting in public, and the disappointment she’d caused by running away and not taking responsibility for her own behaviour, blah, blah. He’d only let her have two days and the weekend off, and was forcing her back already. This morning, he’d leaned over the breakfast table and said, ‘I hope you realize how tough this is for your brother.’

Tom had been sweet, stepping in and saying it was tough for her too, that she’d been defending his reputation and the kids at school sounded like total losers. But even Dad’s golden boy hadn’t been able to blag her any more days off.

And now she had to get out of the car and walk over the bridge. She had to go through the gate on the other side and cross the empty playground, then through the main door and report to reception. From there she would be escorted into Spanish by Mr Spalding, the learning mentor. It had all been planned by her father on the phone, including the late arrival. She was allowed to miss registration, assembly and the busy morning corridors. She was officially a troubled child.

‘You want my advice?’ Tom said. He twisted in his seat to look at her properly. ‘Keep your head down, stay focused on revision and exams and stay out of trouble. When you disappear for hours and refuse to say where you are, Mum and Dad are bound to go crazy.’

She shook her head at him. ‘I didn’t tell them where I was because I didn’t want to lie.’

‘But you haven’t told me either and we normally share stuff like that.’

But the gatecrasher was her secret. She’d had five texts from him since the river and the latest one said, When can I see you? She wasn’t going to tell anyone that.

‘I hung around town.’

‘So, why’s that such a secret?’

‘Dad hates me doing nothing. He probably expects me to go to the library and revise when I bunk off and Mum always takes his side. I didn’t want the lecture, that’s all.’

Tom nodded sympathetically. ‘Yeah, yeah, they’re ridiculous.’

There was a moment’s silence, then she said, ‘Would you phone in sick for me?’

‘What?’

‘Can you phone the school and pretend to be Dad?’

‘No! He’ll go round the bend if he finds out.’

‘Please, Tom. I can’t face it.’

She held her hand to her belly. It was going weird again, as if it was wrecked inside and small things were fluttering about. She thought she must have clutched it in her sleep too, because she’d woken up with the shape of a button from her pyjamas imprinted on her palm.

‘What will you do all day?’ Tom asked.

‘I don’t know, hang out with you?’ She gave him a pleading smile. ‘If I get home at the normal time, they’re never going to know.’

He gazed at her for a second, then nodded. ‘Don’t tell them I did this.’

As he dialled, she watched his face and thought how weird it was that by sheer fluke of birth, she was his sister. Sister, sister. She said the word silently in her head and tried to make sense of it.

‘Good morning,’ Tom said. ‘I’m ringing on behalf of my daughter, Eleanor Parker, in Year Eleven. Just to let you know, she has a migraine and won’t be in today.’ He nodded as he listened to the response. ‘Yes, yes, of course I’ll tell her that. Thank you very much.’ He snapped his phone shut and smiled. ‘The receptionist hopes you get better soon.’

Ellie laughed. She couldn’t help it. One simple phone call and she had a free day ahead of her.

‘There’s another trick,’ Tom said as he started the ignition. ‘You could try this one tomorrow. You go in for registration, leave before your first class and spend the morning in town, then go back for afternoon registration and bunk straight out again. I did it loads when I was at school and no one ever found out.’

She shook her head at him, amazed. ‘I never knew that about you.’

They pulled away from the bridge, down Lower Road, past the newsagent’s and Lidl and swung a right at the post office, then a sharp left. Space opened up quickly – fields, trees, hedgerows. Ellie opened the window. The verge was rich with wild flowers and swaying grass. She stuck her hand out and let the wind play with her fingers. Across the field a bird flew very fast in a straight line, then swooped down to the earth. This was great. Her and Tom off on an adventure. Like old times.

As they got nearer to the coast, the sun began to look hazy and far away. Ellie knew it was something to do with the weight of the atmosphere at sea level. Advection, it was called, or sea mist. By the time they pulled into the car park at the harbour, it had substance to it and was hanging damp and heavy above them.

They parked by the sea wall. Ellie had been to the harbour before, when it was busy with tourists – kids with crabbing lines and buckets, whole families trailing down through the car park to the beach. But today was a weekday and the weather was so dull now that the line between sky and sea was lost and the edges of the boats in the dock were blurred. Apart from a bloke fishing on the end of the jetty, the place was deserted. Even the souvenir shop had its hatches down.

‘So,’ Ellie said. ‘What are we doing here then?’

Tom shrugged. ‘I like the boats. I’m not allowed into town and I’ve got a curfew, but I can come here whenever I want.’

It was as if she heard it for the first time – what this meant to him, how hard this was. And she’d been all wrapped up in herself.

‘I’ve been here every day since they let me out. And you know what I do when I get here?’ He did a magician’s Duh-da! and pulled a tin from his pocket.

‘What is it?’

He took out a small chunk of something wrapped in cellophane and danced it in front of his nose. ‘I’m trusting you with this, Ellie.’ He sniffed it. ‘Shame it’s only Rocky.’

‘Rocky?’

‘Moroccan. It’s a bit mild, but it’s all I could get hold of.’

She knew he’d tried dope before – he’d been smoking it the night he brought everyone back. In the morning she’d buried the joint ends in the garden so their parents wouldn’t find out. But this whole chunk – soft and dark as fudge – was something else completely.

She watched him lick the seam of a cigarette and strip the damp paper away. He didn’t even bother checking outside as he emptied the tobacco into a giant Rizla and began to carefully heat the dope over his lighter.

‘Watch and learn,’ he said.

The car filled with sweet fumes. Ellie wondered if the smell would cling to her hair; if, when she got home, her dad would sniff and say, ‘Are you on drugs now, Eleanor?’

Two women walked past in matching blue windcheaters and backpacks. They looked determined, solid. Ellie envied them.

‘Should you be doing this?’ she said. ‘I mean, what if the police give you a drugs test or something?’

Tom sighed. ‘I have to have something to look forward to.’

He crumbled the dope on top of the tobacco, then picked up the whole thing and rolled it with such infinite care it was mesmerizing. He twisted one end, then laid it on his knee while he tore off a small piece of cardboard from the Rizla packet and rolled it into a tube, which he stuck in the other end.

‘What’s that for?’

‘A roach. It’s to stop your lip burning.’

Her lip? Was he expecting her to have some?

He lit the joint, inhaled hard and closed his eyes to exhale. ‘Every morning I look forward to this.’ He took several more drags, and just as she thought she’d got away with it, that he was going to keep it all for himself, he said, ‘So, now you’re officially hanging with your big brother, are you going to have a few draws?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘You won’t even feel it. Just a little rush.’

It felt awkward in her hand, as if it was a prop from a game. She had a sudden memory of her and Tom rolling leaves from a bush in the garden into a sheet of A4 and setting it alight. They must’ve been about six and eight years old and pretending to smoke cigars.

She shot him a look. This was her brother. He always had been, always would be. She took a small drag and swilled the smoke around her mouth.

‘Take it right down,’ he said. ‘Don’t waste it.’

She tried to drag the smoke from her mouth into her lungs, but her throat tensed and she sent it straight back up again in a spluttering cough.

Tom laughed. ‘You’re such a rookie. Come on, you’re not going to get stoned, you’ll feel warm and a bit happy. Don’t give up so easily.’

Under his instruction, she took a deeper drag and tried to pull the smoke right down. Her lungs burned, her brain swung sideways and the smoke came hacking out again.

Tom took the joint from her then, and inhaled ridiculously deeply, as if showing her how to do it properly. He blew the smoke out towards the windscreen. It bounced straight back at them in a pungent cloud.

He smiled dreamily at her. ‘You’ve joined the dark side of the force now. You know that, don’t you?’

She slunk down in her seat, embarrassed. She’d never in her whole life bunked school, smoked dope or kissed a boy whose name she didn’t know, and yet in the last few days, she’d done all these things. This was what it must be like to have control of your own life. This is what it would be like at university – she’d do whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted. No questions asked. No surveillance. Maybe she’d even get into smoking. It was quite nice after the initial rush.

Tom looked happier than she’d seen him for days, sitting there with a joint in his hand. She smiled at him. He was her brother. They were bound.

‘Tom?’

‘Mmm?’

‘Did you like Karyn McKenzie once?’

He turned to her, surprised. ‘Do we have to talk about this?’

‘I know you hate her now, but before all this happened, did you like her?’

Tom opened his window, stretched his arm out and flexed his fingers. ‘She’s a slut.’

‘So, why did you invite her round?’

‘I didn’t – she followed me home.’

‘But you gave her a lift from the pub. You stood in the garden with your arm round her.’

‘You want this to be a love story?’

‘I just want to know.’

He sighed. ‘You saw what she was wearing. You think I should go to jail for saying yes when she offered herself to me on a plate?’

‘Did you send her threatening texts when she said she was going to the police?’

He looked at her sharply. ‘Who told you that?’

‘Is that why they didn’t give you bail straight away? Dad said it was the rubbish lawyer, but it wasn’t, was it?’

Tom licked the edge of his mouth with his tongue. ‘When you saw her the next morning, when she came downstairs and you were in the kitchen, what did she say to you?’

This again. She hated this. This was like the police station. ‘I already told you: she asked me for some orange juice and directions back into town.’

He nodded. ‘Exactly. She didn’t look hassled or anything, did she? She wasn’t crying and she didn’t say anything about being attacked, did she? She drank a glass of juice and left the house and went home. She didn’t even bother going to the cops for hours.’ He tossed the joint end out of the car and shut his window. He put the Rizla packet and the dope back in the tin. ‘I sent her texts because she was about to stitch me up.’

This is what grief is like, Ellie thought. It had a shape in her mouth like an O.

‘If I said I didn’t want to be your witness, what would you do?’

He looked genuinely alarmed. ‘You can’t bail out on me!’

‘I’m scared of going to court.’

‘We’re all fucking scared!’

‘But they’ll ask me questions and what if I get it wrong?’

‘How hard can it be? Just say you don’t know anything.’

‘I did tell you Karyn was only fifteen though.’

‘And I didn’t hear you.’

‘We had a whole conversation about it on the landing.’

‘So now you want me to go to jail because I’m hard of hearing?’

She turned to him, her cheeks burning. ‘How do you know she wanted you? How do you really know? She was so drunk she couldn’t even walk.’

He leaned towards her, his face only centimetres from hers. He spoke very quietly. ‘If you pull out, the cops will think I’m guilty.’

She shook her head, heart thumping. ‘They won’t.’

‘They’ll haul you down the station and ask you tons of questions. Then they’ll get a witness order and force you to court, whether you want to go or not. They’ll put you in the witness box and cross-examine you for hours. They’ll think it’s really suspicious that my own sister can’t be bothered to defend me.’

Ellie blinked. She knew what would happen next. He’d withdraw all the warmth and replace it with coldness. It would be brutal, like the sun going in and sheet ice covering the sky. It had always been this way with Tom.

‘I’m sorry,’ she said.

He shook his head. ‘It’s ironic, I actually thought you were old enough to hang out with. But you’re worse than Dad.’

She’d ruined it between them now and it had been so perfect.

‘Get out of the car.’

‘Here?’

‘I’m meeting Freddie.’

‘Can you take me home first?’

‘Mum’s there. You want her to know you’re not in school?’

‘So, what will I do all day?’

‘I don’t know, it was your idea to bunk. Why are you going on at me all the time? There’s a bus back into town.’

So, she was stuck, the same as last week. Only then she’d had her anger and the river and the gatecrasher, and today she was dizzy from the dope and was being dumped in the middle of the harbour in a mist.

She closed her eyes, tried to get back to the anger. She wanted something to hold on to.

‘Do you have any money?’ she said.

He sighed, reached into his pocket and pulled out some coins, counted out five pounds and handed them to her. ‘You’ve got to trust me, Ellie.’ His face was still and his voice was very certain. ‘I mean it.’

And then she got out of the car.